Musings of a Little Sister

Lots of thoughts go through your mind when you get the call that someone you have known your entire life has passed away.  In the past two plus weeks I have done a lot of musing about my sister, Judy since I got the news.

First of all, I recognize that the text message prayers, the long chats about my Bible study plans, the questions about the well-being of my kids and grandkids and just the general sister chit chat ceased.  I find myself rereading last messages.  The one in particular where she laughingly said she needed to "hop to it" to get her to do list done before she moved to her new home makes me smile and cry all at once.  That was just days before things turned for the worse.  

Second, I think about all of the ways she prayed for me.  She cared so deeply for the needs of each member of my family and the friends that I had shared with her.  I can remember when my friend, Beverly was going through her leg amputation - Judy called me frequently for updates so that she would know how best to pray.  Or during COVID when she joined in the livestream for our church (as well as her own) and she would mention how she prayed for our pastors even though she never knew them. My kids, Geoff and Claire as well as Dave's kids and our grandkids were always in Judy's prayers.  She wanted more than anything to know that they had put their faith and trust in Jesus.  Because to Judy our eternal destination was of the upmost concern.  I miss not being able to share those concerns with her because I knew she was genuine when she said she was praying.

Finally, I remember her last real words to me a week or so before she died.  She asked me what I was teaching in my Bible study this fall.  I told her I was teaching I Peter.  Her words to me come to my mind each time I open my Bible and prepare for my next meeting.  She said "Study hard."  Always the student.  Always the teacher.  

Judy was special.  There is no other real word to describe her.  Her heart for others and her love for Jesus challenge me.  She lived what she believed.  She cared more for others than she did for herself.  I pray that I can be more like her because she was so much like Jesus.  I miss you already big sister.  Enjoy what you have earned dear one!  Well done good and faithful servant!

Pilot Me

 It seems that I have been in a grand funk for quite awhile.  Lately I have been struggling with where I am in life, what I need to be doing with the rest of my days, how I can be an encouragement to others when I feel discouraged myself and on and on it goes.  

Sure, I have a lot to be grateful for.  And I am.  I am grateful for my husband who puts up with all of my emotional ups and downs with great grace.  I am thankful for my family that even though I have disappointed them time and time again they still like to hang out with me.  I am thankful for my church and my brothers and sisters in Christ who challenge me to be better.  And I most of all am thankful for my Savior Who continues to offer to pilot me through all of life's ebbs and flows.

I came across this mirror with the inscription on it "Jesus Savior, Pilot Me" while I was cleaning out a drawer in our spare room.  It was my mom's.  I can even remember where she had it.  It was on the bookshelf that was above her desk in the den.  It was there that she poured over the finances of our little family.  It was there where she often wondered where the money was going to come from to pay the bills on the little farm dad wanted to have.  It was there that she wrote out checks for college tuition, cars, insurance and first and foremost the tithe.  It was there where she wept and prayed over the many hurts of her family and friends. It was there where I am sure she prayed, "Jesus Savior, Pilot Me."  And I believe He did!

I have been praying a lot lately that God would help me to learn how to truly once and for all forgive myself for the things that I have done over the course of life that brought pain to many.  I have been praying over Psalm 19:12-13 "How can I know all the sins lurking in my  heart?  Cleanse me from these hidden faults.  Keep your servant from deliberate sins! Don't let them control me.  Then I will be free of guilt and innocent of great sin."  In other words - "Jesus Savior, Pilot Me!"  I know that by His grace I have been forgiven - I just need to claim that victory for myself.  

It is not by chance I came across this today.  I look at it as an answer to the prayer I have been praying.  In the words of Carrie Underwood "Jesus, Take the Wheel!"  

Beanie

 

Today on the day before Mother's Day I am thinking about "Beanie." I never really knew the origin of the nickname that my mom had but her two brothers and her five sisters all called her that so I am pretty sure she was dubbed that when she lived "down home." 

When I look at this picture of my mom and my uncle Glenn it makes me smile. This would have been before she and my dad were married so I am thinking she was 18 or so.  It was World War II timeframe. 

Mom always said she felt gangly as a teenager. But I think she was beautiful. Her smile here is the same smile she had when she was 89. It was the smile she gave when she heard us come in the back door when we came home to the Valley.  It was the smile she gave when she saw her grandchildren and great grandchildren. It was the smile she gave when she welcomed family and friends into our family home. Her smile came straight from a happy and contented heart.

I miss Beanie. I miss being able to call her on the phone and hear her voice. I miss being able to pour out my heart about the things that matter and some things that don't and have her understand. I miss her telling me to "keep on keeping on" when the way gets wearying. I miss her prayers. She prayed for us all - every day and often many times during the day. I miss that when I needed prodding that she was willing to do it. 

I think about Mother's Day and how this is now my 10th one without her. I wish I had told her more often how much she meant to me. I wish I would have gone home more and spent time with her while I could. I wish I would have done more to have made her life easier. But I cannot go back. I can only remind myself how blessed I was to have this woman as my mom. And I pray that a little bit of "Beanie" comes through to her youngest child. Maybe in my smile. I love you Mom!

On Saying Goodbye

 Today we said our goodbye's to Flora.  It was a lovely service filled with all of the truth and humor that made up her life. As I looked around at the many people that were there to honor her life I reflected a bit more on just what Flora meant to me.

There was a time in the service that they asked for people to speak up about their remembrances. I was not comfortable to do that for many reasons but I certainly had a lot I could have shared.

About 25 years ago I got to know Flora.  Really even before I became such close friends with her daughter, Beverly. Flora worked with me during a time in my life when I was really struggling.  She would often see me crying or just sad and she would take the time to  listen.  Often times she would say a few words of encouragement but sometimes it would be words that were necessary to help me get back to where I needed to be. There was never a word of condemnation.  She just knew the right thing to say at the right time.  And she always committed to pray for me. I will always cherish that about her.  And I want to be that kind of friend to others. 

Flora wrote a book that she just got printed and bound a couple of months ago.  It is a chronicle of her life stories.  What a treasure.  She wrote of the highs and lows of her life and most of all she wrote about her love for her Savior.  I was honored that she gave me one and that she wrote an inscription just for me in its cover. As I think about her doing this it has challenged me to get busy and write down the stories of my life.  Maybe that will be the gift that she gave to me - the challenge - the inspiration to get busy doing what I have always wanted to do.

At the end of her book she concluded with a passage from Psalm 73.  I share it now because it was her testimony.  She truly knew she was held by our Father. 

"Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

For behold, those who are far from you shall perish, you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.

But for me it is good to be near God. I have made the Lord God my refuge."

You are now with our Savior, dear Flora.  You likely never knew just how much you meant to me. It was more than just apple dumplings we made together.  You wrapped my broken heart at a time when few knew it was damaged. The twinkle in your eye and the smile you always showed me - even when you were in such discomfort will always be the image I will see when I think of you.  You are now with your loved ones who have gone on before you.  Maybe if you could - would you look up my folks?  I am sure my mom would love to meet you.  You both had so much in common.  Most of all - that you both loved me!

Stay on the Path

Proverbs 4:26-27 "Watch the path of your feet and all your ways will be established. Do not turn to the right or to the left; turn your foot from evil."

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the course my life has taken.  I guess it is that time of year again when I start reflecting on where I have been, where I am and where I hope to be.  And so when I was reading Proverbs the other day these verses really hit home. 

As I thought about my life I realized just how often I took my eyes off the path.  I looked and some times meandered to the right or to the left. Each and every time that wandering took me off the path that God had set before me.  There were dangers confronted, evils encountered, sadness generated - all because I took my eye off the path.  

It's interesting how the things off to the side of the path look so enticing when you are still on the path.  The hidden secrets only manifest themselves when you take that first step off the intended way.  Often times it became a long process to find my way back to the path once again. 

At times the path has seemed monotonous - just putting one foot in front of the other day in and day out. The end of the path is never in sight and so I have no idea how long it is or whether or not I will encounter a lot of hills or unexpected construction.  That has made me at times also look for shortcuts or an easier path to walk on. Yet again when I chose to do this I found myself missing out on the best path - the one intended for me.

Proverbs talks so much about wisdom.  And as I think about these verses I pray that I will be better in the days ahead to stay on the path, putting aside any temptation to veer off its course.  This is the way of safety, this is the way of joy, this is the way of walking in step with my Savior.  He is there in each step. He is there to guide me if only I ask and if only I obey. 

Running the Gun Lap

 

This past week I heard an interview by author Robert Wolgemuth about his latest book entitled “Gun Lap.”  Having never been a runner I really did not understand the significance of this term until I looked it up.  When I looked it up in the dictionary this is what I learned:  “the final lap of a race in track signaled by the firing of a gun as the leader begins the lap.” 

Life is a race and none of us know what lap of the race we are on.  But the apostle Paul in II Timothy 4:7-8 said these very familiar words:  ^“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.”

So I found myself wondering – have I been fighting the good fight?  Have I kept the faith, even when things did not turn out the way that I wanted?  Am I going to finish the race with integrity and honor my Father with the days I have?  Psalm 90: 12 says “Teach us to number our days aright, so that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”  Am I gaining a heart of wisdom?  Am I counting each day as the precious gift that it is?

For the past 6 weeks I have led a ladies Bible study at my church.  The topic was "Trustworthy - Overcoming our Greatest Struggles to Trust God." We have been following the lives of several of the kings from the OT.  And one stark truth came out in nearly all of them.  They started out strong but they did not finish strong.  What happened?  In most cases they took their eyes off of God and put their eyes on people, possessions and positions.  It was very sad to read this and also quite convicting.

I looked at each of these areas in my own life.  Each of us have opportunities to influence one another to love and good works in the days ahead.  I want to find ways to be an encouragement to others and to share the faithfulness of God to those who are struggling.  But I do not want to run my gun lap comparing where I am with others who are also in the race. 

Possessions have never really been a thing for me.  I grew up in fairly humble means and feel that I have been greatly blessed with what I have. I do not take lightly though that everything that I have - from my home to my means of earning a living are a gift from God. Any of it could be taken from me in a heartbeat. And then where is my confidence?  Am I running a gun lap to keep up with my neighbors or am I willing to share all that I have with those who are in need? 

And lastly position.  Do I take unmerited pride in the things that I have accomplished?  Or do I look at it truly as another way that my trustworthy God has blessed me?  I recently read where in 100 years few, if any will remember your name.  We are all replaceable. So while working hard and giving my best to those endeavors I am a part of is important - in my gun lap it is not the most important thing.

I pray each morning when I wake up I will see the day for exactly what it is – an opportunity!  What I do with that opportunity is pretty much up to me.  I can choose to make it a day that is all about God or I can make it a day that is all about me.  If my objective is to truly do what Jesus said in Matthew 22:37-38  “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” then the answer is clear. My gun lap needs to be focused on faithful love and obedience to God and truly loving my neighbor as myself. 

Time is the one commodity that cannot be replenished. Now is the time to run a strong gun lap!

A Passing

People come and go in our lives. They touch us in ways that are sometimes quite profound. The going is where our hearts are forever changed.

Over the past two months three people who were a part of my life in some way have passed away. Most recently today.

Nothing quite prepares you for the finality. You recognize that you will lose people during the course of your life. But, the reality of the call, the text, the email notifying you leaves you raw.

All of a sudden there is a hole, a rush of questions that may have no answers, a flood of memories of how that person impacted your life. You feel almost like your view of life has now changed. And it has. Those of us left behind try and find our way on this uncharted territory.

I find myself wondering why God in His Sovereignty chooses to take one who was so vibrant, so caring and so full of life. I know I will not have the answers to this but it does make me wrestle with it. But, then I stop to think about how God sent His only Son to die for me. For us. He willingly did this that eternal life can be given to those who believe. He was vibrant, He was caring and He was so full of life. And for three days He lay in the grave. And then the resurrection! New Life! And each of these three wonderful women are experiencing new life! No more pain, no more treatments, no more sorrow.  And for those of us left behind we have this hope:

I Thessalonians 4:13-14 "And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died."