A View from the Chair

Forgiveness

2010-07-09T19:57:00.002-04:00

Matthew 18:21-22 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

Lately, I have been thinking alot about forgiveness. I guess it is because I have so much in my life that needs to be forgiven. I also am beginning to recognize just how hard it can be to forgive others - especially when they have injured you in a very deep and profound way.

When Peter came to Jesus to ask Him how often he needed to forgive an offending brother I honestly think that Peter thought Jesus would be content with 7. Not so. Our Lord challenged Peter to forgive not just 7 times but 77 times. Of course, the number is unimportant. It is the concept that no matter how many times a brother or sister offends me I am to forgive.

How hard it is though when I see someone purposely doing hurtful things to me or to others and to realize that God expects me to reach out and forgive one more time. It is a stretch. And sadly, I am not always successful. I feel at times as though I will never be able to get beyond it. But then I am reminded of my own sin. I am reminded of how many times I let others down and wanted their love and forgiveness just the same.

The challenge for me is discerning the difference between forgiveness and enabling. For example, if you know that someone is doing something that is sinful and wrong and even following confrontation about their actions they are unwilling to change - what do you do? Do you forgive? What would Jesus have me to do in that case?

There were challenging times in my past where I was deeply involved in behaviors which brought pain and harm to those that I loved. Some of the consequences of that behavior I have to live with for the rest of my life. And there were some difficult choices that my brothers and sisters in Christ had to make. It hurt. Yet, now looking back on all of it I realize that God was using that to prepare me for restoration. His forgiveness was never in question. He was just waiting for me to come back. He was there all the time.

Recently, I have taken to writing or contacting people who I felt I had hurt. Each and every one of them have extended to me the healing touch of forgiveness. Sometimes it overwhelms me how gracious they all have been. I feel so undeserving. It has been such an emotional rollercoaster. Yet I know that God is using this as a window for me to look out and to see that I too must be willing to forgive others. I must be willing to see past their sin and look only to what God would have me to be in their lives.

I do not think that forgiveness needs to "excuse" poor choices or bad behavior. I know that God has forgiven me. Still there are consequences that I cannot sidestep. They are my reality. This is true of those that I am in relationship with as well. Simply because I choose to forgive (and it is a choice) does not mean that I condon the sin. To be able to walk in truth in these hard things is where the struggle comes in for me.

All in all God is teaching me lessons. He is teaching me that the same hand of forgiveness that I longed for needs to be extended out to others. He is teaching me that His grace is enough. He is teaching me that the love and mercy that He demonstrated toward me is the same that He wants me to shower on those He has put in my life.

"Oh Father, I do pray for forgiveness for not always being willing to forgive others as You have forgiven me. Teach me how to forgive - not as I would - but as You would."

Patterns

2010-06-30T20:17:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I find that being an introspective person can be a bit disheartening. Especially when you see patterns that emerge in your life that are neither positive or godly. Why is it that we struggle so much with some strongholds in our lives? Why is it that we cannot learn from one experience and put an end to behaviors which are destructive?

I believe that deep inside of me there is this dark place where the light of God's word still has not penetrated. I allow myself to engage in prideful behavior and also to put myself into places of authority that are only God's. Every time I do this I find it harder and harder to hear the voice of God in my life.

It is time for me to break this pattern and to put an end to those choices and those relationships which threaten to pull me away from my Father. I must learn how to put boundaries around myself. Tonight as I shared my current dilemma with my counselor he reminded me of a verse of scripture that I really need to concentrate on:

Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well

The problem is that I have not been doing this. I have been seeking my own well-being and what makes me feel good about myself. Instead of really seeking God's kingdom and His righteousness I have fallen prey to the desires of the flesh. I pray that God will shine His light into the dark recesses of my heart and expose the sin that lurks there. It is time for me to make the right choices. It is time for me to be obedient and do what God calls me to do.

Forgive me, Father for trying to be something that I am not. Forgive me for trying to be you in the lives of others. How could I ever think that I was capable? You and You alone are God. I am your child and I am weak. Help me to remember that Your strength is made perfect in my weakness.

Sometimes I feel like I am just marking time

2010-05-26T20:28:00.005-04:00

Day drifts into day
Night upon night
And still the nagging thoughts
Sometimes I feel like I am just marking time.

Hours turn to days
Days turn to weeks
Weeks turn to years
Sometimes I feel like I am just marking time.

Babies are born
Toddlers mature into children
Children grow to young adults
Sometimes I feel like I am just marking time.

What purpose do I serve
What questions can I answer
What change can I experience
Sometimes I feel like I am just marking time.

Teach me I pray to number my days
Teach me I pray to not dwell in the past
Teach me I pray to not fret over the future
Sometimes I feel like I must stop marking time.

Out of Focus

2010-02-21T17:07:00.002-05:00

Philippians 1:21-26 "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me."

This morning in our group at church we talked about Philippians 1. This has been and continues to be one of my favorite passages in all of the New Testament. I have heard sermon after sermon on this text and yet today for some reason it impacted me more deeply than ever before.

Of late I have been thinking a lot about focus. What does my attention fall on? Are the circumstances of life my focus or is Christ? Am I more concerned with getting out from underneath the trial than learning the lesson through it? Am I more focused on myself or on my Lord? My life - as I look at it - has been out of focus.

When life is out of focus there is a deep sense of weariness. And I am weary. There has been such a deep-seeded pain for such a long time and I have been unable to rid myself of it. Try as I might to release it I seem incapable. My heart aches because the focus has been all wrong. The pain, the trials, the consequences all seem to be what I focus on. Instead of seeing Christ and glorying in His suffering I have tried to escape what God is trying to teach me. This causes me to be sad. This causes me to look at life through dark glasses. This causes my joy to be stolen away.

Our class leader today spoke of how we need to make Christ the focus of every aspect of our lives. I have heard that hundreds of times and yet today it was like it was all new. Each circumstance, each trial, each decision are all to be weighed in the scale of how will this bring glory and honor to Christ. It is not about me. It is about Christ. Wow - now that is a shift in focus.

It is all about you, Jesus. There is no greater thing. Words to a song that I have sung. Yet without focus. I have spent way too much time focused on myself. It is time to look at the lens of my life and zoom it in on the Master. The Lover of my Soul. The One who died and gave His life for my ransom. All that life holds is for Him. Not me.

Forgive me, Jesus for being out of focus. Forgive me for seeing my wants, my needs, my desires as more important, more valuable than You. Help me to choose You above all else. Teach me that which You would have me to learn about You. And help me to be an example to others of the healing that comes from having a right focus.

Like a Flower in the Snow

2010-02-09T21:42:00.005-05:00

Grief is an odd emotion. There really isn't any descriptor that puts the reality of separation into perspective. Sometimes grief feels like salt being ground into a wound. Sometimes it is like a warm cup of coffee touching a cold hand. Sometimes it is like a flower in the snow. It is a jumble of heart, soul and spirit. And as each day passes I struggle with trying to sort it all out.

So many memories that flood my thoughts in the night. And really no one to talk them out with. After all - who but me really wants to remember the funny stories - like the huge TV we just had to have to watch the Super Bowl back in 1996. The one that we really couldn't afford. Or the time we drove the mountain pass in Yosemite and me wondering why it was that Ray always chose the direction with me looking out over the cliffs. Or how about the time when we lived in Florida and I ironed a shirt on the glass table top only to have it fall into Ray's lap. All of those are memories. All of those are like salt ground into an open wound.

What of the man who always listened? It is so hard not to have those ears any more. I have so many questions I want to ask of him. Things that will never be asked. I have so many warm thoughts - times when we shared the deepest of joys and even the deepest of sorrows. I think of the times when we held our little ones while they were sick and wondered if they would get well. I think of the times when we would dream of how they would grow to adulthood and what they would become. Oh how proud he was of them. All of those thoughts and questions are like a warm cup of coffee touching a cold hand.

The past and its changes. I wonder if forgiveness was given? I believe it was. I know that while it was never voiced - it was acted out. The hurt of the past is buried under the blanket of God's forgiveness. The white carpet of snow reminds me of the how my sin, my pain has all been wiped away by the shed blood of God's precious son. And out of all of that pain - all of that hurt - a flower can blossom. And the grief I feel now will give birth to that life. It will help me to remember Ray for the wonderful part of my life he was. I miss him. I miss knowing he was close. I miss knowing that he will not be with us in the days to come. But like a flower that pushes its way up through the snow - there is hope. Hope that we can grow to be more like the Master because of the witness of this precious part of our lives.

Goodbye, Ray

2010-01-07T14:17:00.003-05:00

Picture albums are being opened and memories are being recited. I am no different. Sifting through over 20 years of history in the past couple of weeks has brought back so many wonderful and at times very painful memories of my relationship with Ray. Many of my friends have said "you need to write your thoughts down" so here goes.

I chose this picture because it represented a lot about the man that Ray was. Let me explain. First of all, you will notice in this picture a young Japanese boy. We were priviledged to have Takish live with us for 3 weeks one summer to help him learn more about the English language and to be exposed to living in a Christian home. Two things about that are important to this story. First of all - Ray loved to travel and he loved to learn about people groups from various parts of the world. So when I asked if we could be a part of this ministry - he heartily agreed. He brought to Takish's life a brief exposure to what a Christian father was like. And that young man was changed because of it. Secondly, it brought to life the fact that Ray desired that his children learn that it is okay to be different. Growing up in central Pennsyvlania can give kids a very jaded view of the world but Ray was determined that Geoff & Claire know and understand that all of the world is a part of God's creation and that every man, woman and child is loved by the Father.

Ray was also a very neat man. I think about him even now and I think of plaid flannel shirts buttoned down at the collar. I think about how he liked his shirts buttoned when they hung on the hangers. I think about how he always wanted Geoff & Claire to be neat and tidy when they went places or were involved in activities of any type. I can remember his exasperation at Geoff wearing his sneakers to graduation with duct tape all around them. And yet - he could laugh about it. He did not make "big deals" out of things.

Ray was a hard working man. My children knew that their father worked - and worked hard. Many a time Ray could be heard answering voice mail or working on paperwork for the company that he faithfully served for 27 years. The work ethic that both of my children have is a direct result of the pattern that they saw portrayed by their father. He was respected by all he worked with. This was evidenced by the many opportunities that were presented to him that furthered his career.

Ray's heart for the Lord grew over time. As the experiences of life taught him - he grew closer and in a deeper fellowship with the Father. I remember when Ray came to faith in Christ. It was like a great awakening. He had been dabbling in many faiths when we first met and we had some pretty intense arguments. He could not buy the fact that God created the world in 6 days. Whew.... for a girl who had lived that truth for a long time - that was a challenge. But, God in His infinite wisdom knew what it would take for Ray to come to truth. And when God brought Ray to live in Pennsylvania when he was all alone and had no one - he found Christ.

His heart for ministry was apparent to all who knew him. Together we served on a couple of mission trips. I can see him even now dabbing grout into the tiles at Black Forest Academy in Germany or handing out tracts at the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta. All of it was for a greater purpose than bringing attention to himself. He wanted to serve the Lord passionately.

Ray loved his children dearly. As we brought each one of them home from the hospital it was wonderful to watch him grow as a dad. His steady influence has been something that both of my children have benefited from. Unlike me, Ray was unflappable. When I would lose control - he would maintain it. When I would get discouraged - he would find positives. His heart always was to have a strong family for Geoff & Claire to grow in. And he accomplished that.

I feel like I have lost a part of myself this week. I guess that is just the way of it. Some would say that divorced people should not feel that way. And maybe some don't. But, I do. I have lost the one person who truly knows my truth. I have lost the one person who remembers bringing home those babies or sending them off to school or off to far off places. I have lost a friend.

But I know in my heart that Ray would not want us to sit around and be sad. He was not like that. He was a person who was joyful. He would want us to reflect on all of the wonderful times, the special memories, the forgiveness and the love that has been shared by all who knew him.

For all the past, I thank you, Ray. You were a gift to me.

The Tattered Quilt

2010-01-04T18:50:00.002-05:00

Piece by piece each remnant of cloth is stitched lovingly together. Some of the squares are made from tattered garments worn over time while others are cut from fresh cloth new from the store. The stitches that weave them together are placed appropriately in order to bind them together in a pattern known only to the Quilter. Slowly the artistic pattern takes shape. Its colors as varied as the Maker intends.

The quilt brings warmth to all who know it. They are comforted by its softness and at times amazed at its beauty and its complexity. As the years go by new patches are added and some are replaced. And still the Quilter keeps the pattern intact. There are patches that are taken from one quilt and moved to another but the common threads do not change. Even still are times when the Maker takes a patch and places it within His own quilt adding to its loveliness - a welcome addition to those that have been there before. Those patches leave gaping holes in the original quilt never to be replaced.

The Quilter knows that these holes exist. He knows that no material can be used that will fill the gap and He knows that the threads that once held that patch must now stretch in order to meet the ones left behind. It is that stretching of the threads which brings pain to the quilt. Some threads don't stretch as far as they must and the Maker adds reinforcements. At times He clips away the strands that no longer are used or are no longer able to bear its tension.

The quilt changes over time but is always the work of the Maker. Each piece is sewn in place by His grand design. It is His creation and His to keep - it is only ours to feel its warmth.

Goodbye's

2009-12-31T10:36:00.002-05:00

How difficult it can be to say goodbye. I think of how many times I pulled out of my parents driveway with tears streaming down my face. Saying goodbye to them has always been hard. The invisible strings to home always tug at my heart. Saying goodbye to my dad on the day he went home to the Father was so difficult. The man who gave me life was no longer with us. Or saying goodbye to my child as she boarded a train to go to a far off country out of the realm of my sight and control. Knowing that she would be alone and wondering if she would be okay.

Then there was saying goodbye to a dear friend. That was a tough one. I was blessed by her life and how she cared for others including my children. How was I to know that saying goodbye to Nancy would be a lead in to one of the biggest goodbyes yet to come.

Divorce is a type of goodbye. And I know firsthand about that. It is a tearing apart of what was meant to be sealed. It is a saying goodbye to relationship. It is a saying goodbye to pulling together for the common good. It is a saying goodbye to that intimate knowledge of marriage. It is no wonder that God never intended divorce. The pain that it brings is at times unbearable.

Yet, the heart that shared my heart for so long has been there for me - regardless of our no longer being married. I could count on that. Even when there were difficult discussions between us we always ended in a resolution that we would walk as divorced people - but still as a team when it came to the care of our kids. I always knew that there would be that voice at the other end of the line that would remain calm even when I lost control.

And now it appears that barring a miraculous intervention by God that the voice on the other end will be silenced. This goodbye is ripping my heart out. So many things that I wanted to say. So many things I wanted to talk over with him. And I did not want to say goodbye. We are never prepared for this moment.

How blessed we have been by this life. How thankful I am for his presence in my life and what he has meant to my children. God is in control. I will rest in His love and say goodbye knowing for certain that I will one day see him again when we are all gathered at the feet of Jesus.

Bloom Where You are Planted

2009-11-15T17:41:00.004-05:00

This morning when I was leaving the living room I happened to glance over at my Christmas Cactus that sits near our picture window. The blooms have started to pop open and many more promise to grace our home with their beauty in the coming weeks. I always enjoy their delicate appearance and look forward to seeing them return each year around this time.

This plant was a gift to me from my mom. Actually, she gave it to me in hopes that maybe I could get it to bloom because in the years that she was the owner of it - it never bloomed. She had been given this plant by a dear friend of hers many years ago and for whatever reason it just was not happy at my mom's house.

So I carefully loaded it into my truck and brought it home. I remember it being in a really nasty old pot and so I gingerly lifted the root ball out of the pot and put it into a nice new home and added some fresh soil. I place it in a spot where I knew the light would be just right and carefully watered it. One year went by and no blooms. I was disappointed but not surprised. That summer I took the cactus outside and let it live all summer out on our carport. It seemed to enjoy the warmth of the summer sun and I was concerned about how it would do when it was time to bring it back in.

I decided I would try a new location in our living room. The window in the living room faces east so the plant gets a nice warm touch of the sun each day. And apparently it likes it! For the past two years now we have been blessed with its beauty. Now all I do is water it and rotate it and treat it with tender care. My hope is that I will have this plant to enjoy for many years to come.

This all led me to think about how I have been somewhat like this plant. I have lived many places over the years. Some places I have bloomed and some places I have just sat dormant not blooming at all. There were places where I soaked in the healing rays of the sun and drank the cool waters without much tangible sign of development and change. But, now it seems that God has me in a place where the soil is rich, the light is right and the moisture permeates deep into my soul. I am praying that now I too will bloom where I have been planted. No longer seeking to be moved somewhere else but content to allow the Master Gardener to prune and to feed and to tend to my growth. I will put my roots down deep into His love and pray that I will bloom with the love of the Savior that all who know me will see Him through me.

Walking Away from Regret

2009-11-06T17:31:00.004-05:00

Romans 8:1-2 "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death."

For quite sometime now regret has dogged my every step. Everything from eating that one last piece of pie when I knew I didn't need it to reminding myself again and again about the losses sustained in my personal life because of poor choices and outright sinful rebellion. The pile of regret continued to mound up until it took on proportions which blocked my path of growth and joy.

Why is it that we struggle so much with regret when we know that if we have asked God to forgive our sins He is faithful to forgive? Is it because we find it difficult to forgive ourselves and by wallowing in regret it somehow makes us feel better because we punish ourselves? In doing that we are putting our sin, our shame, our disobedience beyond the reach of God's grace. That must wound the heart of our Father.

I have determined that I am through living in regret. I have allowed regret to steal my joy. I realize that the consequences of choices are forever with us. But, God has promised that there is no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus. If I am no longer condemned by the creator of the universe then I have no right to stand in condemnation of myself. The sin is covered. The blood of Jesus Christ covers it all. And to go back and revisit that sin is simply wrong.

And so, the path away from regret is before me. I am wearing shoes that are sturdy. They will see me on this journey and protect me from the onslaught of the evil one as he tempts me to return to regret. These shoes have no tread that leaves a trail back. I cannot go back. I can only move forward. Thankfully, I do not walk alone. The Holy Spirit is there to guide and encourage my walk. Faithful family and friends uphold me in prayer. Regret and its chains no longer bind me. Praise God for the freedom that comes in Christ Jesus!

Autumn Color

2009-10-31T18:58:00.002-04:00

Today while walking my dog, BG I came across this beautiful tree arrayed in all its color. The colors of autumn always bring a sense of wonder to me. The seasonal changes of the trees is a reminder to me of the constant and faithful nature of my Father.

The summer has passed away and we are now approaching the cold blasts of winter. Yet in between is this quiet, beautiful period of autumn. It is a restful time. The leaves as they glisten in the sun blow gently down to the ground in the winds that blow. The trees themselves go into a much deserved rest as they prepare for the coming of spring. Year in and year out the cycle of birth, life, death and rest is seen in their limbs.

God is faithful. His mercy is new every day. He provides for us today as He did in ages past. His forgiveness and grace are available today as they were yesterday. The question becomes - will they be available tomorrow? If the Lord tarries then the answer is yes. But we do not know when the Lord will return. We know only that God calls us to be ready. Ready to meet Him. Ready for the judgement that is yet to come. There will come a day when the cycle of life on this earth as we know it will come to an end.

As each year passes I know that I am one year nearer to meeting my Father. I anticipate that. But I also am fearful of that. Not that I fear that I will not be with Him in eternity. Christ paid for my sin with His precious blood. I am saved from the wrath to come by His great grace. I fear being empty-handed. I want to be able to bow at the feet of my Savior with crowns to cast at His feet. Oh that I might put away the foolishness of this life and be pursuing the life that is yet to come.

The colors of autumn brought all of this to mind today. How many more springs will I have? How many more will you? Are you prepared? Have you found your answer in Christ Jesus? No matter where you are in your life stop and think about it. Don't let another day go by without surrendering to His limitless grace. Don't be deceived - judgement day is coming.

I Don't Want to be a Dried Out Sponge

2009-08-20T15:12:00.004-04:00

Lately I have been struggling with feeling sort of "blah". Kind of like this sponge. Dry and very useless. Even trying to scrub the sink with a dried up sponge will not get me very far. It is only when that sponge contains water does it take on any useful characteristics. Although even the makeup of the water makes a difference.

So consider this. If you take a sponge and dip it into a bucket of ink and then start to clean with it - wow - you are in for a big mess. Or if the water you are using perhaps has sat for a long time it may make your sponge smelly. It is only when the water is pure and clean that it makes the sponge useful for its intended purpose.

John 7:38
Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him."

Scripture gives us instruction that tells us that living water will flow from the person who believes in Jesus Christ. This is the only way that our lives can be totally full and able to be used. How then do we become dry and useless? I know for me it comes when my attitudes are not what they need to be. When I am struggling with an attitude of complaint, or criticism or coveteousness then I am in danger of not being filled with the living water. Not that I have lost the source - it is that I am not choosing attitudes that would allow the water to flow through me and out to others.

It is a constant struggle for me to deal with the attitudes that have become so ingrained in me. I have found over the past few years that my heart has struggled with having an idolatrous attitude. And the idolatry is that of pride. I have put myself above others and often times above my relationship with God. This prideful attitude is what causes me to feel dry and lifeless. It is only as I disconnect from the brackish water of pride and connect into the living water of humility that I can experience the life giving flow.

I feel like there needs to be a cleansing in my heart. Father, I am praying that you will take this dry heart and remove from me those attitudes that keep me from being connected to your lifegiving water. I pray that my life would be renewed with the attitudes of thankfulness and love. Take from me any of the past that also tends to plague me. Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me.

Ever Try and Go Through Life on E-ZPass?

2009-08-13T19:31:00.004-04:00

Many of you can relate to this story. Some of you more than others. But, I have discovered that you can't get very far in life trying to get by on E-ZPass.

E-ZPass has been implemented on many of our nation's toll road systems as a way to eliminate the human element of tollbooth attendants and to help the frequent traveler get to their intended destination without having to stop. Just put that token on your windshield and you can whisk your way from one place to another with nary a care in the world.

Well for those of us who are not the frequent tollroad traveler it can be confusing when negotiating the system. Case in point, several weeks ago my husband, daughter and I were traveling the PA Turnpike over near Philadelphia. We planned on a stop at the IKEA store to do a bit of apartment shopping for my daughter. We exited the NorthEast extension and never came across a tollbooth. Thinking this odd we questioned what had gone wrong but then giggled in delight that we had perhaps outsmarted the turnpike system and saved a little over $3.00 in tolls.

Fast forward three weeks. When heading up to bed, I noted an envelope on the table addressed to me. In it was a photo similar to the one at the top of this page. It was a bill for over $45.00 for failing to stop at the tollbooth and not having an E-ZPass. So much for the delight. We certainly had not outsmarted the system.

This whole episode got me thinking about my life. And this is where the relating thing comes in. Have you ever thought you were outsmarting God? Like you could go through life without paying the "toll". "No one will ever know." "I can get by with this and not get caught." Ever had thoughts like that?

Isaiah 29:15-16 "Woe to those who go to great depths
to hide their plans from the LORD,
who do their work in darkness and think,
"Who sees us? Who will know?"
You turn things upside down,
as if the potter were thought to be like the clay!
Shall what is formed say to him who formed it,
"He did not make me"?
Can the pot say of the potter,
"He knows nothing"?

How foolish we are to think that the all-knowing, all-seeing, ever present creator of the universe would not know every thought and intent of our hearts as well as every action we have either done or contemplated. Just as we discovered with our little turnpike illustration - the price will be paid.

We can rejoice that God loves us despite our failure to consider the cost. He loves us with an everlasting love. His grace is poured out upon us day after day. His mercy is new every morning. But, we ought not to ever think that we can skate by without thinking that He knows. We need to live with the knowledge that whether we like it or not all of our decisions come with consequences, good or bad.

My prayer is that I will not try and outsmart God. What a foolish jesture. And the bill is way too high to pay.

When the Pen gets Cold

2009-08-06T20:26:00.003-04:00

My pen has grown cold. Not a literal pen but a figurative one. Try as I might, the past few months were difficult for me to put words to my emotions. I am not sure even now that I can really write effectively.

Life continues to throw curve balls my direction. It makes me wonder at times just what God is up to. Not just some times but most of the time. The path winds down some steep and bumpy slopes fraught with confusion and at times feelings of fear and dread. I know that God promises that He would never leave me nor forsake me but at times it seems as though I walk this journey alone.

Words fail me. I lift up my pen and put it to the paper and find I have little to say. Really. I lift my voice in prayer and murmur confused words of pleading to God asking for a measure of understanding to come over me. How does one respond to circumstances that are out of their control yet impact us so profoundly?

Perhaps it is because I finally have come out of the fog of deception that I lived under for so long. This may explain why I feel so lost now. I am trying to understand living in truth. I am trying to understand how people do not always respond favorably to that position. And I am fervently praying that God will sustain me through this growth process so that I do not regress back into the person I once was.

I am praying for direction. What would God have me write about? What value does my writing have to anyone? Does it even really matter? Is my writing meant to be shared privately with my Father or does He intend me to share my journey more fully, more transparently to others? I want to be a vessel that is used. I want my life to have some real value to others. I want to know that my life has purpose.

In time, maybe the flame of my pen will burn brightly again. I pray that will be true. I pray that my words will be fitly spoken and that they would portray the truth of God's unfailing love to others. More than anything, I pray that my words will be s symphony of praise to my Father.

Remembrance

2009-05-17T19:42:00.003-04:00

It has been said that Confederate women were seen decorating the graves of their fallen heroes and continued on to do the same for those of the Union soldiers. This heralded the beginnings of Decoration Day or as we more commonly call it, Memorial Day. The lack of concern about whether or not the fallen were friend or foe truly speaks to the solemn beauty of the day. It is a time for us to remember those who bravely fought and died for the freedom that we enjoy today. And also, those from generations past who greatly influenced the people we have become.

For many years, while growing up, Mom and Dad would load us kids into the Oldsmobile and take off for the different cemeteries where our grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins or friends lay at rest. The trunk of the car would be filled with blossoms of various colors and types all meant to garnish the markers and to let others know that these people were cherished and remembered.

Little American flags waved brightly by the tombstones of soldiers from long ago wars and some were even marked by an occasional medal or remembrance of a particular event in history.

As a child, I must admit, it was not always something that I enjoyed. In fact, sometimes it seemed really like a waste of time and money to go traipsing all over the country going from plot to plot when I would have been much happier playing outside or reading a good book. But, still we went. And now, I am glad that I did because it taught me lessons about life and death and remembering, something that many people don’t do enough of.

While decorating the graves of relatives and friends who have passed away does not carry with it that same significance as decorating the graves of soldiers it does help to bring to mind the brevity of life. How often we take for granted the presence of a loved one only to find them taken from us by the cruelty of death. The small gesture of remembrance is only a token of what could or should be done during the lifetime of those that are near and dear to our hearts.

It has been nearly five years since my father passed away. In recent days memories of my childhood have resurfaced to remind me once again of the principles he lived by and the man of integrity that he was. It has been a time of remembering what was and seeking to understand what is. His influence continues to live on in the lives of his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Remembering that propels me to a greater desire to live the legacy those generations before me lived.

The author of the book of Hebrews wrote a verse that has often come to mind when I think about my Dad and others who have gone on before me. “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” I like to think about my Dad being in that cloud of witnesses, cheering me on, encouraging me when the going gets tough or sometimes even chiding me as he used to when I was a child.

Remembering him as he was is also a lesson to me of many attributes of godliness that I would like to believe is becoming a part of my heritage as well. Integrity, humility and a contrite spirit were all marks of my father. One of the greatest gifts that he gave to our family was a dedication to walk in truth and to teach us about our need of a Savior and the love of God.

Heritage and remembering is so much a part of the essence of Memorial Day. While we watch the parades and listen to rousing speeches of patriotism and honor it would be a good time to take stock of what is going on within our hearts and lives. Are we passing on to our children the same values and virtues of our forefathers or have we so lost our way that we cannot even remember the good of the past? Do we take time to sit down with our children or their children and remind them of the goodness of God? Or have we become so wrapped up in our own way that we have lost the reverence for the One who holds the earth in place?

This is a time to remember. This is a time to put aside the laissez-faire attitude that seems to permeate our country today. The sacrifices, the honor, the desire to put others ahead of self are attributes that were a part of the generations past. Let us put off the foolish behaviors of greed, deceit and selfishness as we honor those who have gone on before.

Load up the cars with your children and the flowers. Decorate the markers of those who have left your earthly life. Remember them for the lives that they lived and the sacrifices they made. Thank God for their lives and then dedicate yourself to live on in a manner that would bring a smile to their lips and a song of praise to their hearts.

What kind of a flower is friendship?

2009-05-10T21:50:00.003-04:00

'Be careful what you wish for because it might come true' was an all to true statement for me. For years I had longed for a friend who would be my confidant and soul-mate. Unfortunately, that friendship soon took on characteristics of co-dependency which I was both unable and then later unwilling to see. How can you avoid the pitfalls of this situation and still find God’s heart for you in the matter of friendship?

God has created us to be in relationship. His desire is for us to long for a relationship with Him as our primary and most important one. Unfortunately, we look outside of God’s ideal and attempt to find our needs met by others.

While God includes human relationships as a source of fulfillment they are not to supersede our relationship with Him. Nor are we to place certain human relationships such as friendship ahead of other human relationships such as marriage and parenthood. When this occurs destruction is sure to follow.

Women in general, long for relationships that have meaning and purpose. They are hungry for dialog and support which often time is sorely lacking in their homes. Young mothers in particular are often quite lonely due to the demands of their young children and may find themselves longing for someone to listen to them and to encourage them.

Friendship is something that God designed. Biblical examples of friendship may be used as patterns for us. Jonathon and David were classic examples of true friendship. They were continually looking out for the best interest of the other and were bent on being obedient to God as their primary focus.

When you find yourself in a relationship that begins to take on a level of importance that is higher than your relationship with God then you are treading on a slippery slope. Ask yourself questions like, “Does my friend mean more to me than she should?” “Am I spending more time nourishing this friendship than I am nourishing my relationship with God?” “Are my thoughts drifting more and more to spending time with my friend than in spending time with my family?” If the answer to any of these questions is “yes” then you may have found yourself in a relationship that has become co-dependent.

Have other friends or family members begun to question your relationship? Don’t see this as criticism but see this as an opportunity to review what your priorities are. Look at their statements honestly and be willing to evaluate yourself. Talk to your friend. See how she reacts. Does she become defensive? Does she act in a threatened fashion? If so, these are warning signs that things have become unhealthy.

When well-meaning and caring friends approach you with concerns about your friendship, listen to them. If they are godly friends they have your best interest at heart and may have been drawn to speak to you by the prompting of the Holy Spirit. Realize that they are speaking out of heart of love and not out of a spirit of jealousy. That is one of Satan’s lies.

Do you find yourself becoming less and less responsive to other friendships and more and more focused on an exclusive relationship with one other person? If so, see this as a warning signal. Do not exclude other friends from your life and do not give into the temptation to see this one relationship as the end all and be all of friendship.

Are you sensing uneasiness in your spirit when you consider this friendship? If so, this may be the Holy Spirit leading you to re-evaluate the relationship. Don’t discount this. The Holy Spirit continues to speak but if you are not willing to heed His prompting His voice may become less and less noticeable in your life. When this happens you may have seared your conscience to the point where God no longer speaks to you. This is exactly the place where Satan wants you to be.

If you are finding yourself involved in any relationship which becomes more important to you than your relationship with God, or if you are spending more time with a friend than you are with your spouse and children then you need to question whether or not you are in a co-dependent relationship. At all costs find the help that you need to get yourself extricated from it before any more damage is done. Look into counseling that will help you to find your way out of the darkness that can destroy you, your family and do permanent damage to your testimony for Jesus Christ.

God loves you. Place your need for relationship into His hands and trust that He will fill all of your heart’s needs in ways that you can not even begin to image. He is faithful and He will perform that which He has promised to do.

Bittersweet Parting

2009-04-17T21:37:00.003-04:00

1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 "Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. 14We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 15According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18Therefore encourage each other with these words."

A saint has gone home to be with the Lord. And we who knew her grieve our loss but praise God for the healing that our dear sister, Nancy has received. Even now we can picture her going from friend to friend in heaven asking all kinds of questions in the style that Nancy was known for.

I remember when I first met her. My Geoff was in first grade at Mt. Calvary Christian School and Nancy was the 2nd grade teacher. She had a way about her with children. They flocked to her - even though she was a very strict disciplinarian. The kids knew where they stood with her all the time. And they respected and loved her for it. Geoff and his friends were the last 2nd grade class Nancy taught before she became the elementary principal. She always said that class was the one that brought her teaching career to an end. Not sure what she meant by that! :)

When I was working at the school Nancy would periodically come up to my office to visit or check on the status of one of the kids that she was concerned about. More often than not though, I know she was coming to see how I was. Nancy knew that I was struggling with deep problems. Never one to pry, she just would hug me and let me know that I was loved. I missed her when I left the school.

Years passed when I was in the dark time of my great sadness. I often would ask about her and was saddened when I learned that she was diagnosed with cancer. Through it all she continued to minister and work with the children at the school until the treatments and the illness just made it too difficult to continue. It was a sad day for Mt. Calvary when Nancy left her little office for the last time. I have such fond memories of her office with her collection of pigs on the shelves and window sills. Such a cheery place where even the worst offender could find both correction and love.

Just two short months ago we had a surprise birthday party for our friend. She was good that Saturday. Laughing, asking questions about the kids and rejoicing in the fact that I had found my way back from the darkness. It was a wonderful afternoon and something that I will cherish as I go through the years to come.

Hard as it is to say goodbye we are not like those who have no hope. As much as Nancy loved her family and her children at the school - she loved her Lord most of all. And now, she is with Him. I can imagine her looking at His face and asking to see the nail prints in His hand. I can hear her praising Him for His forgiveness and mercy. And I can imagine her looking at us and thinking "just wait till you get to come home!"

We will miss you dear friend! But, we are so thankful that you are even now dancing on the streets of heaven.

Idolatry - a Subtle Foe

2009-04-16T20:23:00.002-04:00

I have decided to share my heart at a deeper level. In recent posts I have drawn from events that have surrounded my life but have rarely delved into the inner work that God is doing in my life. Perhaps it will be of no other value than to give me a way to verbalize what I am sensing God is teaching but if it can give anyone else aid then I will see that as a blessing.

Idolatry is a harsh word. And it is one that I believe I have misled myself about all of these years. I wanted to believe that I was not an idolater. And I based that opinion solely on the fact that I never bowed down and worshipped any type of idols. But in recent months I have found myself staring into the mirror and seeing that the very darkness of my heart is wrapped in the cloak of a foe that hides itself in different disguises. Idolatry none-the-less.

Deuteronomy 6:5 "Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength."

This verse makes it very clear to me what idolatry is. Anything that diminishes the love that I have for God is idolatry. WOW! Just let that sink in for a minute. How in the world is it that God commands me to love Him with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my strength and then to love my neighbor as myself? How is that possible?

In and of my own strength it is not possible. My life story has proven that out. In my quest to "love my neighbor" I have allowed that love to become the end in and of itself. What has become most important to me is approval. I have sought the approval of others to the exclusion of being in relationship with the God I purport to love. Many of the choices I have made have come from an unwillingness to truly love God and to let go of the affirmation and love of those who have brought pain and sorrow to my life.

This is the highest form of idolatry. When I put the opinions and approval of others before my love of God and the desire to be obedient to His Word I have become an idolater. This is where my great sorrow comes from. Now - to press into change.

A Lesson from "24"

2009-04-15T20:16:00.003-04:00

“Can you believe it?” Andy asked me on Monday morning. “What a shocker! I never would have guessed it of Tony” I replied. In case you are wondering what we were talking about it was the unbelievable turn of events on the TV series “24”. All season long we unwary watchers had been roped into believing that Tony Almeda was a good guy – out to save America from all the ills of terrorism and its accompanying pain. Little did we know that the writers of the program took our natural inclination to judge people based on their outward appearance and actions to dupe us into believing that Tony would be there during Jack and America’s darkest hour.

Within a five minute window of time, Tony went from hero to assassin, from friend to betrayer, from patriot to terrorist. It left me shaken and questioning my ability to really judge the intent of his heart.

The prophet Jeremiah spoke about this very thing when he wrote “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” Humanly speaking we are unable to understand the depth of the depravity of our own hearts let alone the state of another’s. This is why Jesus commanded that we were not to judge one another. He spoke of making sure that we deal with the log in our own eye before we try and extract the splinter from someone else’s.

It is not important what our perceptions are of others. What is important is the genuine honesty of our own heart. God looks at the heart while we look at outward appearances. When we strive to live up to expectations of others we are setting ourselves up for failure. And when others disappoint us we need to keep in mind that they too are frail and unable to meet our needs without the intervention of God in their lives.

God desires that we all come to him with a contrite heart, willing to change any of the deceitful ways that separate us from Him. It is only as we submit to the change that comes from walking in the Light that we will be less likely to judge others.

So next week when I turn on “24” I will look at Tony Almeda from a different view. I will no longer be so naïve that I believe his motives are pure. But then again maybe I won’t even care to question.

Father, teach us to examine our own hearts to ensure that we are walking in the Light of your Truth and in obedience to the way You would have us live. Help us to refrain from judging the thoughts and intents of the hearts of those we come in contact with. May we grow to trust in Your unfailing love.

It's All in Your Perspective

2009-03-08T17:20:00.003-04:00

Luke 6:37 - Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

Today I got a real treat. My first ride in a ladder truck. Now that is what I call a vehicle! Everyone on the road respects you. Even the big rigs. Turning corners is certainly an art and not something for the novice driver. Made me appreciate the many hours my husband has spent driving and instructing others in driving these trucks.

While we were out I had a whole different perspective on the road than what I have when driving my pickup truck. You really look down on the other vehicles. And the road is right there in front of you - there is no long hood distorting your vision. There are long mirrors on either side that give the driver the ability to see all of the potential risks on every side. And wow - backing that rig up - now that takes skill. Slick as a knife going through butter, Dave put that truck into reverse and backed it squarely into its stall at the firehouse. Flashing lights and all types of indicators let the driver and crew know the status about all of the various components of the system. At a glance they can tell whether each and every unit of the vehicle is operational.

As I rode along I got to thinking about how life could be like that ladder truck. Sometimes as I ride along I have this habit of looking down on other people as if I could do things better or perhaps have the best advice that could rescue them from all their problems. I judge them for what they do and put it through the sieve of my experiences. Not always a wise thing to do I am finding.

Then there is that ability to see the road right ahead of me. Yes, I am able often to see exactly what is the best course of action but out of my own foolish pride I often times will try and side step it or go off on my own course. That is when those mirrors come in pretty handy. Those friends who are there to admonish or encourage or pray for me and help me get back to the right way.

All along the road there are those flashing lights and indicators that God uses to help us see our way through this troubled life. There are warnings all through the Scripture that when we heed them we will be able to safely get that "vehicle" parked where it belongs - right in the place where God wants us to dwell.

It's all in your perspective.

Various Trials

2009-03-06T08:22:00.002-05:00

James 1:2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,

Sometimes I think that we read these verses and think "yes, that is exactly what I believe" only to find that when the trials of many kinds come we aren't considering it pure joy. At least that is what I have been experiencing of late. I believe that God expects us to take Him at His word. And if we want to grow - there have to be trials. Oh how I wish though that there were an easier way.....

I have been thinking a lot about the past 10 years of my life. In fact, I recently was reflecting on the fact that I was in Israel exactly 10 years ago. Oh how much has changed since then. Some of that change is the natural progression that comes from growing older. My kids have grown to adulthood and for the most part are out on their own. I have a few more gray hairs (although the color from the bottle hides them) and the midlife facts of gravity are having their affect. But, some of the change that I am dealing with are the direct results of sinful choices that I made during this past decade of life.

A season of running and hiding from the God I love resulted in destruction that took a wide swath through my family. Refusal to turn from sin brought about a lot of the pain that we are all still experiencing to this day. And yet in all of it - GOD was still there. He never left me and He never gave up on me.

His grace - His marvelous grace brought about restoration that comes from heartfelt repentance. The pain that sin produces still impacts me because that is the consequence of my choice but I can rejoice in the grace that brought me back to His side. I can rejoice in the fact that the trials that come my way can bring joy because they put me right down on my knees. They bring me to the place where I get "out of myself" and into God. This is the place that I need to stay. I pray that the days to come will bring joy to the lives of those who I love. I pray that the days to come will find my children walking in the truth. I pray that the days to come will find me more like the Savior.

Yes, I will choose this day to count it all joy. I will choose this day to put the past where it belongs - in the past - and walk in newness of life. Praise God for His saving, redeeming grace.

Do What I Can Today

2009-03-04T14:49:00.002-05:00

It has really been a hard couple of months for me. I have been really overwhelmed with the busyness of work and some really difficult family situations. Some times in the night I would lay there and just wonder if God really was there and if He really was in control.

What I am finding though is that I have had such a preoccupation with the future. What would happen to my kids, what would happen to my job, what about the economy, on and on it goes. And I am finding that no matter how much I worry about all of this - I cannot make one bit of difference in the future. I can only do what I can do today.

My mom used to quote that verse of scripture that says "Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof." Of course, that always makes me chuckle because my mom is the queen of worry. I learned from the master. I realize that God intends me to live in the here and now. Do the best that I can do today to affect change in the lives of those that I have influence on. Work on the project that is at hand and do all that I can to give 100% of my best effort to see that the work TODAY is done well. All of these things are what I truly can do to impact what I say that I am so concerned about.

I need to lay down the thought that I can control anything. God is in control. I am not. No matter what - He has a plan and a purpose for everything. Even the tough things that I would rather not think about or have to deal with. All of it is meant to mold and shape me into the woman of God that He has so longed for me to become. I long to be the faithful servant that He created me to be.

I have limited capacity. The capacity that I have needs to be funneled into the work, the relationships, the joy of today. And maybe - just maybe the future will take care of itself.

Stimulus

2009-02-20T17:21:00.003-05:00

All of us, if we have been paying any attention at all to the news have heard all kinds of spins on the economic stimulus package. I must admit, I am a bit of a skeptic about where our country is headed with this whole thing but it has given me cause to reflect on just exactly what a stimulus is.

So I went to the handy-dandy website and typed in the word "stimulus". This is the result of my search:

something that incites to action or exertion or quickens action, feeling, thought, etc

We are all looking for something to spur our sluggish economy into action. But what about a spiritual stimulus?

Lately, I have been spending some time in the Old Testament book of Hosea. If you haven't ever read it - take a look at it. Talk about a stimulus.

Hosea 6:1-3 "Come, let us return to the LORD. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds.
After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us, that we may live in his presence. Let us acknowledge the LORD; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth."

Want to have a new fresh view on your life? Want to get rid of that sluggish spiritual economy? Then return to the Lord. Look at the steps that Hosea gives in these verses. First of all, acknowledge the Lord. What does that mean to you? I am getting a whole different view of that. If I believe that Jesus is Lord, then every word of every command must be obeyed. No question. Is that even possible? I believe that it is. If not, then why would God have said in His word -

1 Peter 1:16
for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy."

Next it says to press on to acknowledge Him. Don't quit. Don't give up. I bet that if we would be diligent in acknowledging His Lordship and following His commands and being obedient to what His Word says - we would see a spiritual stimulus that could turn the world upside down.

Ready to give it a try?

Fame

2009-02-15T17:37:00.003-05:00

Remember my name. Fame!
I'm gonna live forever
I'm gonna learn how to fly--high!

I feel it comin' together
People will see me and cry. Fame!
I'm gonna make it to heaven
Light up the sky like a flame. Fame!
I'm gonna live forever
Baby, remember my name

Yesterday while I was working out at Curves I heard this song and even though I have heard it probably hundreds of times in my life the words really hit me. "I'm gonna live forever, I'm gonna make it to heaven..." All words meant to pump up the person who listens to it. The person singing this song is wishing to be remembered - and it is all going to come by fame.

So then as is typical of my nature I started thinking about fame. Famous people - like Abraham Lincoln or Coby Bryant or Madam Curie or Ben Roethlisberger or Al Capone, all famous people all people who when their names are mentioned they are remembered. Some for good things - some for not so good.

Why is it that we strive so to be remembered? Is it because we want to give meaning to this brief period of our eternity that is spent here on earth? If we are not remembered does that mean that nothing we did was worth anything? Or is it just that we have put way too much stock in what others think of us? I know for me personally, the latter is the truth. I have spent way too much time worrying about what people may say or think about me. If I spent even 1/10th of the amount of time thinking about what God thinks of me I would find my time better spent.

In reality people don't think too much about us. Oh maybe our loved ones do and of course there are very dear friends who think of us at random times during the day but the reality is that people just don't spend that much time thinking about each other. They spend a lot more time thinking about themselves. We become so self-absorbed and jockeying for position whether it be in our work world, our church world or even in our homes. We want to be the best, the prettiest, the smartest, the funniest and on and on the list goes. But does anybody really care?

God's word speaks to us about having our hearts and minds consumed with the things of this world. In I John the apostle talks of how we are to love not the world for when we do the love of the Father is not in us. We also are told that we should not show partiality to those that we think can do the most for us. We are to treat each person with equality. And that includes even ourselves. That means that when we are tempted to put ourselves first and trample someone else on the way up - that we need to recognize the sin of idolatry and put an end to it.

Fame is fleeting. Maybe in this life I will never be known for anything. Maybe people will not remember my name. Maybe that is a good thing. All I know for certain is that my destiny is in God's hands. And I choose to surrender all the acolades of this life for a crown when I see Jesus. I want to be able to lay a crown at the feet of my Savior and say "Thank you, Dear Lord." This can only be accomplished by putting myself behind others. Crucifying the flesh that threatens to be my undoing.

Rather than singing the words to "Fame" in the days and weeks to come I pray that the words of this old hymn will be the theme of my life.

Oh! to be like Thee, blessed Redeemer,
This is my constant longing and prayer;
Gladly I’ll forfeit all of earth’s treasures,
Jesus, Thy perfect likeness to wear.
Refrain:
Oh! to be like Thee, oh! to be like Thee,
Blessed Redeemer, pure as Thou art;
Come in Thy sweetness, come in Thy fullness;
Stamp Thine own image deep on my heart.
Oh! to be like Thee, full of compassion,
Loving, forgiving, tender and kind,
Helping the helpless, cheering the fainting,
Seeking the wand’ring sinner to find.
Oh! to be like Thee, lowly in spirit,
Holy and harmless, patient and brave;
Meekly enduring cruel reproaches,
Willing to suffer, others to save.
Oh! to be like Thee, Lord, I am coming,
Now to receive th’ anointing divine;
All that I am and have I am bringing,
Lord, from this moment all shall be Thine.
Oh! to be like Thee, while I am pleading,
Pour out Thy Spirit, fill with Thy love,
Make me a temple meet for Thy dwelling,
Fit me for life and Heaven above.

I Am

2009-01-21T20:01:00.004-05:00

Exodus 3:14 "God said to Moses, "I am who I am. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: 'I AM has sent me to you.' "

The past couple of days I have been thinking a lot about the phrase "I am". Think about how often we say it. "I am hungry." "I am tired." "I am grumpy." On and on it goes. But what does it really mean to say I am (fill in the blank). When we say that we are taking on that characteristic and defining ourselves with it.

Jesus said this of Himself in many different contexts. He said, "I am the vine", "I am the bread of life", "I am the resurrection and the life." So He was defining Himself by that characteristic. Where did that all begin?

In Exodus, Moses had an encounter with all mighty God. And when Moses asked Him who he should say sent him to the Israelites, God replied "I am who I am." To me what this says is that God is the embodiment of all characteristics. He defined them all. And so when Jesus says He is the resurrection and the life - He is not just saying that He represents resurrection - he is saying that He is the resurrection. All that the resurrection and the life means is wrapped up in Him. He is the embodiment of it.

Each of these statements that Jesus made about Himself are then applied to us. If I believe that Jesus is what He says of Himself then I am believing that Jesus is the vine, Jesus is the bread of life and Jesus is the Resurrection and the Life. And what this means to me personally is that I take my spiritual nourishment from Him and that my resurrection and my life is secured in Him.

Believing this then should impact the way that I live. Taking my spiritual nourishment from Him means that I seek after Him with all of my heart, soul, mind and body. No matter what the circumstances of life deal to me I need to stay connected to the one true vine for all the strength that He provides.

Dying to self means living in the resurrection. Living in the resurrection means that sin and its penalty are paid for and I can live in the light of His grace. No longer bound by the chains of the past or the fear of the future. New life blooms.

Maybe it is just me but "I am" has taken on a whole lot more meaning to me. "I am His and He is mine."

Inauguration

2009-01-18T08:53:00.003-05:00

The past couple of days I have been thinking a great deal about the inauguration. The hoopla of the press, the expense, the whole thing. It took me back to 8 years ago. It was January 2001 and I was sitting in a small apartment in Connecticut with one of my dearest friends. My world was teetering on the brink of disaster. A new president was being sworn in - and all I could think about at that time was "who cares."

Fast forward eight years. Much of the pending disaster that was on the table in 2001 happened. My world did crash. My family did suffer through tremendous heartache. My life spun out of control. And yet, there was God. He was there, reaching out to me, rescuing me from the sin and shame that I had brought on myself. And a new passion for Him ignited.

We are on the cusp of a new administration. A new personality will now govern our great land. And there is still a very real part of me that says "who cares." It is not that I don't love our country - I do. It is mostly that I realize more and more that I am not really a citizen here. My home is with my Father who saw me through all the pain and heartache of the past decade. All of what happens here is but a moment in time. I desire to focus on the eternal.

Some day there is going to be an inauguration that will make our feeble attempts seem small and insignificant. I thought about the verses in Isaiah 6:1-3

In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another: "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory."

The whole earth will be filled with the glory of the Lord Almighty. Every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord to the Glory of God the Father. This inauguration will far surpass anything that man has ever seen or contemplated in his heart or mind.

So maybe saying "who cares" about our presidential inauguration is wrong. It probably is. Maybe it is more of a "ho hum". I know that my Father who has created both heaven and earth sees and hears all that is transpiring now. And He has allowed it all. But, there will come a day, and it may be soon when the haughty hearts of man will be humbled and the rightful ruler will be inaugurated. All praise, glory and honor be given unto the Lamb that was slain!

All hail King Jesus!

Back in the Saddle Again

2009-01-13T20:28:00.002-05:00

Okay, so it is 2009 and I am nearly 14 days into and no blog entries. It is not that I have had nothing to write - it is because I have not had a computer (personal) to do my blogging on.

What happened? Well, right before Christmas I committed the cardinal sin and had a drink close to my laptop. And as you can imagine the worst thing happened. The chair bumped the laptop which bumped the glass which proceeded to spill on the keyboard. Suddenly I heard the snap of electricity and water colliding. For those of you who have never heard it - it is one of those sounds that makes you get a bit sick inside. Sizzle, crack and pop and suddenly no picture, no computer and therefore, no blog.....

But just like MacArthur - "I have returned!" Hopefully, this year will be better than last with my writing and sharing with you what God has done in my life. 2008 certainly was a year of great growth. Some of it came through pain and some came through the lessons learned from others. But, all of it was good. All of it was from the hand of God to teach me and draw me nearer to Him. I am so blessed!!!

I decided to pick a verse for 2009 to pursue and to challenge my walk. It is probably a familiar one to many of you.

Psalm 90:12 "Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom."

A heart of wisdom. And that all starts with the fear of the Lord. I walk in humble fear of the Father. I know that He has great plans for me in this year and that it will require perseverance and diligence. I pray that in the months to come that you will follow along in my journey and I commit to you that I will be as genuine as I can be to express His heart through my words.

To those who have been wondering where in the world is Carol - well now you know.

Stay tuned!!!

Immanuel - God With Us

2008-12-03T11:23:00.002-05:00

Christmas has always been a precious time to me. From the time I was a little child old enough to appreciate the beautiful music and the family traditions to now as a middle-age adult I have loved the time of reflection.

Immanuel - God With Us. Jesus, the Son of God, became flesh for me. Me. Have you stopped to consider exactly what that means? I am thinking that many, like me have taken for granted all that He relinquished to become man.

Imagine being surrounded by angelic beings, all awaiting the words that fell from your lips. All of heaven's hosts singing and praising you for who you are. Being in constant communion with the Father. Never experiencing hunger, cold, pain. Not any of it. He was very God.

And yet, there was love. God's love. For us. Me. You. Each in our own sin, each deserving of nothing. And yet, there was love. Love poured out. Love relinquished heaven's glory. Love surrendered position. Love transcended time and space.

In Isaiah 7:14 the prophecy concerning the Savior was revealed. "Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel." Immanuel, God with us. Stop and let that thought pour into your mind and heart. God - with - us. It is almost overwhelming to consider.

And so to earth, He came. He took on all of what it means to be human. He faced what no other has ever faced. He took on the complete and terrible punishment for our sin, my sin. He felt my pain, he took on my guilt, he paid my debt. God, very God became flesh for me.

When I gaze at that little baby wrapped protectively in the arms of His mother, Mary I am humbled. There are not words to express the gratitude that I feel at this season of my life for the One who came to save my soul. Immanuel, thank You for being here with us!

Reflections on Psalm 103

2008-11-23T20:38:00.002-05:00

Psalm 103:12 "as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

Sometimes as I sit in church on any given Sunday the message seems to be all around me. But, today, the message was through me. Surrounding me. Enveloping me in the arms of the one who died to save my soul. The thought of Christ nailed to that cross, dying an agonizing death for me brought tears to my eyes and caused gratitude to well up within me.

Perhaps it is because of late I have been feeling really lonely. I don't know. But, somehow this passage renewed in me the realization that I cannot count on human love to meet my need. My failures in human relationship have worn me down. I feel at times incapable of knowing what a healthy relationship even looks like.

I have spent way too much effort on "fixing things". I have been reminded of that recently. I have tried to protect those that I love from making mistakes. I have at times robbed my children of the freedom that they need to become adults. Why is that? Is it because I see myself as responsible for their choices when in fact, they are no different than I - they must choose for themselves.

Rather than focusing though on the negatives, I was reminded this morning of how much we give up peace and strength when we are not grateful, when we do not count our blessings. As I focus my attention on bringing honor to God it will become less and less important to me how I am perceived. It is after all about Him. Not me.

As I learned this morning from this psalm David reminded us that it all starts with a fear of God. Three times he mentions this. "For as high as the heavens are above the earth so great is His love for them that fear him." and "As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him" and finally, "But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children".

Our fear of God, fear of the justice of God, fear of His righteousness, fear of Who He is should cause us to humbly call out to Him in gratitude for the cross. His love is so great, his compassion is all encompassing and His love is everlasting. What more is there? Praise God for His compassion that met me where I am. Praise God for His love that does not fail and lifts my sagging spirit. Praise Him that my sin has been removed as far as the east is from the west. The cross. The blessed cross. How great is that forgiveness.

It's All Just a Vapor

2008-11-20T21:20:00.003-05:00

Jeremiah 15:13 "Your wealth and your treasures I will give as plunder, without charge, because of all your sins throughout your country."

Like many, these turbulent times that we live in makes me wonder just how much of what I have worked hard to save will be left. It has become a sickening thing to look at any investments that our family has because with each passing day it seems as though there is less and less there. How sad I feel for those who are nearing retirement only to discover that what they had counted on - is gone. Like a vapor.

Yet, this ought not to surprise those of us who believe the Word of God to be true. Time and time throughout the scripture God has warned against spending that which you do not have, being a borrower, seeking the treasures of this kingdom rather than the kingdom of heaven. Yet, we all go around downcast because what we thought was a sure thing - isn't quite so sure.

Just where is my heart now - in the midst of all this chaos? Am I wallowing in worry, wondering what I will have when I retire? Really, where does it ever talk about retirement in Scripture? Did Paul retire? Did he plan to rest on his laurels when he reached the ripe old age of 65? Some how I doubt it. He was a pretty big proponent of that "if you don't work you don't eat" theory. What exactly am I looking forward to? Is it just sitting around, doing nothing? Or am I looking for ways to be freed up so that I can serve God in a more full-time capacity?

Then I stop and think about that. How can I even contemplate serving God full-time when I am not all that faithful about serving Him part-time. I mean, after all aren't we supposed to be serving Him with our lives day in and day out in the capacity that we are in? Oh I have so many questions about my motivation for doing things. What is the underlying reason for what I do? Is it for my own ease or am I looking for ways to share and to help those that are less fortunate than myself. What exactly am I working toward?

I long to be right minded. I long to really get serious with my relationship with God and to put away the worries about things that really do not matter. There is no guarantee that anything that we have saved for from a financial sense will be there when we go to use it. In the meantime, we ought to be more frugal in the ways that we live so that we can have an open hand to help others. After all - how many coats do I need? How many pair of jeans can you wear? How many houses can you live in? How many? How many?

Father, forgive my selfish heart. Forgive me for looking at the government or the financial industry as a source of security. Until I realize that all that I have comes from you I will continue to be affected by the vapor that is our bank balance.

What Treasure Will There Be?

2008-11-15T10:28:00.003-05:00

Isaiah 39:8 "The word of the LORD you have spoken is good," Hezekiah replied. For he thought, "There will be peace and security in my lifetime."

In this chapter of Isaiah, Hezekiah is revelling in his extended life. God granted him 15 additional years of life following a grave illness. Rather than purposing to put that time to good use for God and His kingdom, Hezekiah chose to proudly display all the riches of his kingdom to rulers around him. Basically, he exposed everything that was precious to the prying eyes of those who would later seek to take it all away.

When Isaiah came to warn Hezekiah that what he had done was foolish, Hezekiah basically responded with little regard for the future. He was only concerned with what affected him - the here and now. I can almost hear him now saying, "Well, at least it will be good and safe while I am alive - let the others deal with what comes in the future."

How like that I can be. Concerned with the here and now rather than thinking about what treasures I have exposed to those who would rob my children, my grandchildren and those who come after me. Oh I am not necessarily talking about treasures such as the world seeks, such as money and property. I am talking about the treasures of walking humbly before God, of living a life of integrity, of following hard after truth. All of those treasures I have consistently over time allowed others to steal away from me. I have not guarded my treasure. Nor have I really thought long and hard about what the future may be because of those choices.

I do believe that God intends for us to live in the here and now. I know that we cannot foresee what challenges and trials face us in the future. But, I do believe that God intends us to protect that which we pass down to our children against the thieves that seek to steal what is not theirs. And when we purposely expose our treasures and actually bring the enemy into our homes we risk losing everything.

We need to protect those that we love from the onslaught of the enemies around us. Wisdom says that we make choices that are pleasing to God and not to men. We do not look for ways to impress others with what we have been blessed with. We seek ways to serve our God in the here and now and yet keep a watchful eye that we do not give the enemy any foothold that would allow them to carry away our treasure.

I pray that God would forgive me for being too much like Hezekiah.

The Morning After

2008-11-05T08:40:00.003-05:00

1 Corinthians 13:12 "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."

Yes, it is the morning after. For some this is a morning of great jubilation and for others it is a day of sadness. For me it is a day of realization. I realize that I have put way too much energy into this temporary world. Way too much effort in things that are just going to fade away and don't really matter. Stopping to think about this reminds me of 1976 when my very first election did not go the way that I had hoped. Did the world stop turning? Did the sun not rise the next day? Was God taken by surprise?

All politics aside what truly matters is who we reflect. I do not want to be simply known as a democrat or a republican or whatever other political party there may be. I want to known as a Christian. And what does that mean? Really? We are called to be Christ-like. To take on the qualities of our glorious Savior and to become a reflection of who He is in us. Right now, as the verse above says we see a poor reflection but there will come a day where we will see a pure reflection.

This morning as I read Hebrews 2 it spoke of the fact that Christ took on our humanity so that He could understand our suffering. And in so doing he was a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God. He was merciful and He was faithful. Two characteristics that I long to have. To be merciful as Christ was merciful and to be faithful as He is faithful. I want to look beyond myself and what is good for me to what is good for others. I want to reach the point where there is only the reflection of Jesus I see - not a shadow of Carol. And this could and probably will involve suffering. Can I face that?

Our country stands at a great crossroad. Only time will tell what the decision of the people meant. But, I do trust that God is not surprised by this outcome nor is He shaken by it. I do trust that in His sovereignty He rules and reigns. Scripture says that He raises up who He wills to be in human government. Rulers have come and gone and God is still on His throne. Praise be to God.

Elections and the Future

2008-11-04T19:23:00.006-05:00

Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."

It has been an interesting few days. Everywhere you go and whoever you talk to - the conversation revolves around the election today. I find myself musing about it more than I probably have in past elections, perhaps because I believe that so much is at stake.

Last night in fact I was unable to sleep. I kept going over and over again some of the things that I have heard or read and wondered how in the world we ever got to this point in our society. I have grown weary of the rhetoric flying from both camps espousing the positive points of their candidate and pointing to the negatives of their opponent. It made me wonder what it was like in elections prior to the advent of the information age.

While I believe in the importance of voting I have found that as I reflect on the two candidates that are running for the office of president that I am glad that God is ultimately my authority. As the verse from Proverbs states God's purpose will prevail.

I have come to the conclusion that for me - it is no longer God and country. For me, it is just God. He is my King. My future does not lie in what happens between Obama and McCain. They are only temporary leaders. They are like me - just dust - just grass that fades away. But, my God, my King is eternal. His purposes will not be thwarted. Even if my candidate does not win - it really does not matter. Ultimately, the choice was fore-ordained before the foundation of the world. It gives me peace knowing that.

This kingdom will pass away. In four more years if the Lord tarries there will be yet another campaign and another election. God willing our country will continue to be the land of the free where we can vote for the candidate of our choice. Ultimately, I believe that unless the hearts of our people become humble before God and realize that all of the blessings we have so freely enjoyed come from Him we will eventually become just as many of the famous societies of history.

God grant our leaders the wisdom to see Him. And God grant our people the compassion to see beyond ourselves to a world that hungers and thirsts for that which we take so for granted.

Forget the Former Things

2008-10-29T20:28:00.005-04:00

Isaiah 43:18-19 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

I love God's Word! I am gaining a greater appreciation for its truths each time I read it. And more importantly I gain a greater appreciation for how its truths apply to me.

One of my many struggles in recent years has been letting go of the past. I keep wanting to replay things over and over again. Trying to sort out just exactly what went wrong, what I could have done differently, on and on it goes. But God, in Isaiah 43 says to forget the past, stop dwelling on it. I am doing a new thing! Isn't that great! He is doing a new thing, in me, in you! When I continue to go back and try to relive the past, good or bad, it is an affront to Him. He is wanting us to live in the present and to look for the new things that He wants to teach us. This is so freeing to me.

By continuing to wallow in the past I am denying myself God's best. God's best is in the present. Right now. What is the new thing that God has for me? Am I anxiously looking for it or am I wasting time looking over my shoulder at old news? Oh that I would forget all of that and keep myself focused on the prize. When Paul spoke to the Philippians he said "Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." He too must have been as I am. We know from historical records in the scripture that Paul had a past that he could have continued to focus on. But, he chose the better way - he chose to press on.

Oh that we all could see the wonderful love that God has extended to us in these verses. He continues to look at the desert places of our lives and bring about new life. Just as in the natural desert there are places where beautiful flowers bloom. In the seemingly arid areas, God brings forth life. And not just dull, colorless life but breathtaking beauty that is a stark contrast to the environment around it. Streams of living water flow through the wasteland of our lives bringing back to life that which was dying. Our God is a good God. Our God longs to show us His steadfast love and to shower us with the blessing of His presence. How great is His love toward us!

Press forward and look for the new thing that God wants to shower you with. Search for it with a passionate heart. Search for it expectantly. Search for it with a grateful heart knowing that God has given you permission to let go of the former things! And if He says let it go - why would we want to hold on?

Musings from Wykoff

2008-10-26T12:47:00.003-04:00

2 Timothy 1:5 "I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also."

Heritage is a wonderful thing. As I am packing up to leave yet another Weimer Women Weekend at Wykoff I am reminded of that. My niece, Alyson represents a fourth generation Weimer who has put her faith and trust in Jesus Christ. What a blessing to stop and consider that!

I think of each one of my family members and am gripped by the power of the attachment that we hold to one another. There have been plenty of storms in our lives. My mom reminded me of this today as she got in the car to drive away. And there have been blessings too - so many and all of them (storms and blessings) have been gifts from God. I am growing to understand that it is only through the storms can I truly appreciate the blessings.

Life has been a bit stormy for me of late. Mostly because of relationships. God has impressed upon me today as I had these last quiet moments here at our little mountain hideaway that He wants me to put relationships on that altar. Oh God, it is so hard. I want to hold onto them with all the strength that I have. Then I pause and think - "What strength do I have that has not been given to me by God?" Perhaps this is where I have fallen short. Maybe I have been trying to hold onto relationships or fashion them in my own strength. I have been seeing them through my eyes, my needs, my wants. This is where idolatry comes from. As I have jokingly said many times "It is all about me!" Maybe there was more truth to that than I really want to admit.

And so, as another Weimer Women Weekend at Wykoff comes to an end I purpose to put relationships on the altar. I pray that God will direct how I live in relationship. I pray that I will see those who are a part of my world through His eyes - not mine. I pray that I will seek first His kingdom and His righteousness.

Thank you Weimer women for being my prayer partners and listening to the heart of one who has at times wandered far. Your faithfulness to me is beyond my comprehension. God is good!

Lay My Isaac Down

2008-10-23T23:12:00.002-04:00

Genesis 22:2 Then God said, "Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about."

Lately I have been thinking about Abraham. I guess it is because right now I have an Isaac in my life that God is asking me to take to Moriah and sacrifice to Him. And I don't want to do it. I wonder - did Abraham question God? I have to think that he did. After all, Abraham was as human as I. Yet, he did what was required in obedience. How did he leave his home, leave Sarah and walk that long walk to Moriah without turning back? Where did his strength come from? How did he avoid telling Isaac about what was to come? All these questions I have.

Yet, Abraham was faithful. He followed God's command and he brought that precious Isaac to the point of death believing that God had his good in mind. He had to - or he would not have been able to do it. There is no way that Abraham in his humanness could have lifted that knife to take the life of his only son if he did not believe more deeply in the goodness of God.

Can I do that? Can I take that which has become too precious, too consuming and place it on the altar? Can I willingly lift the knife to take the "life" of my Isaac so that I too can experience the ultimate goodness of God? Not in my own strength. That I know. The strength to be obedient must be supplied by God Himself.

And what of Isaac? How did he respond to all of this? God's word is silent on this. But it is fairly easy to imagine that he must have felt betrayed and hurt by the actions of his father. I mean after all - what son would ever expect to die at the hands of their father? But, the blessings that Isaac experienced in his life were only possible because of the obedience of his father. I wonder if the "Isaac" in my life will ever come to understand that. I can only pray that will be true.

Life is a series of surrenders. And a series is continual. There is no stopping. Not if you really want to experience the wholeness of the life that God intends. It is only, as I am learning, as I am willing to lay down each "Isaac" that I truly will be ready to experience God's full and complete blessing.

Principles or Prescription?

2008-10-19T11:42:00.007-04:00

Romans 12:1-2 Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual[a] act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Growing up I attended two different types of churches. Both good in their own way and both bad as well. The first taught that you could lose your salvation. So each Sunday the altar filled with repentant sinners once again asking God to save them. We later moved to another church where legalism reigned supreme. No longer did we worry about our salvation being lost - we now worried about the do's and don'ts. There was a laundry list of things that good Christian's didn't do. Christianity didn't come across very joyful to me in those days.

All along the way, I have questioned why. Why is it that man has such a struggle with simply listening to what God's word says. Why do we feel that we have to "clarify" it by making our own little lists and prescribed ways of doing things?

God did not set down a book of rules. Yes, there are some in His word. Do not kill, do not steal, do not bear false witness, do not commit adultery... Those are very clear cut and non-negotiable. But, He never said, "Do not attend a football game on Sunday, do not go to a bowling alley if there is a bar attached, do not have a glass of wine, etc. What the word of God has given to us in these gray areas are principles to live by not prescriptions.

Do all to the glory of God, offend not your weaker brother, remember the judgement seat of Christ. All of these statements in Scripture are meant to be used as principles to guide us in our decision making. Some are more vertical as in the statement to do all to the glory of God and some are horizontal as in do not offend your weaker brother. When we are confronted with decisions about what we should or should not do - can we honestly say that we keep these living principles in mind?

When Paul wrote in Romans that we were to present our bodies as living sacrifices and that we were to be holy and pleasing unto God he was not giving us a prescription of how to do that. There were not step-by-step instructions on how to live this Christian life. What he did say was that we were to not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of our minds. When people wonder what it means to be conformed to this world, I think that it is because they do not want to put the principles into practice. Can I do this and bring God glory? Can I do this and not offend my brother? Hard things to do but I believe that is what God intended.

A living sacrifice. That is what all of this means to me. To sacrifice what I want or what my freedom in Christ has given me in order to not offend. Laying down my wants to bring God glory. This is the principle of life. Not a laundry list of do's and don'ts. I have grown weary of trying to live up to standards set by fallible humans. I want to live the energized and joyful life that God intended. And this can only be done by putting into practice the principles of His word. And this only can be done by continually submitting to His Spirit as He speaks to us. This then is my earnest plea - "God, help me to be conformed to the image of your dear son that I may walk in abundance of joy."

The Depths of His Love

2008-10-14T07:48:00.003-04:00

Psalm 71:20 "Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.

Recently, Dave and I were in New Mexico and had the opportunity to see some of the wonders of creation. Carlsbad Caverns was no exception. Yet, I must say I am not a big cave fan..... I think it is the smell. The dank, dreary, drippy nature of the cave that just makes me feel claustrophobic. But, when you are confronted with the opportunity to see a national treasure you plunge on.

So we began our descent. It is a 1.3 mile trek from the beginning of the path to where the beginning of the Great Room begins. The entire trip down I kept feeling more and more constricted and the smell of bat guano was making my head spin. Yet the further down I got the more determined I was to find the treasure that lay at the bottom.

I guess I feel like life has been a bit like this cave excursion for me. Slowly over time I made the descent into the black darkness of sin and deception. Sometimes there would be unseen hands reaching out to me. Some of those hands were trying to pull me up and others were attempting to thrust me further down into the depths. There even were times where I felt I was free-falling into the abyss and wondering if ever there would be that hard knock that would indicate that I had reached the bottom.

The verse from psalms talks of the fact that life is full of troubles and bitterness and so many other negative things. And yet just as there were beautiful gifts of stalagmites and stalagtites at the bottom of the cave there was an end to my struggle where once again I could feel the restoring hand of the Father upon me. The ascent into the light has been welcome. Just as it was at Carlsbad. The air becomes lighter and the claminess disappears. And then in brilliant glory, sometimes painful in its presence, is the sun. Suddenly, all that was dark and mysterious is gone and it is replaced with light and life.

Our Father has taken me up from the depths of despond and has set my feet once again upon the solid rock. His Sonshine permeates my sould with its light and promises to expose those areas of my being that still want to travel down the dark and dreary path to the bottom. I am resting on His unchanging grace. I am relishing in His mercy that took that lost soul from the bottom, from the despair and brought me up to newness of life. Praise God.

The Insurance Dilemma

2008-09-25T21:50:00.003-04:00

Okay - I will admit it. I am getting old. In fact, I have just crested the hill of my 50's and am sliding down the other side. Tonight, my husband and I spent two hours talking with an insurance salesman about long term care insurance. Talk about depressing!!!!

But, now that he has gone and I am sitting back and thinking about it - what we were talking about was a temporary thing. Something to tide us over until our homegoing. Something to keep the nest egg safe so that the kids will have something when we are gone. Just because I am thinking about this doesn't mean it is ever going to happen. I mean after all, the Lord could come back tonight and it would all be for naught. I could be raptured home and never have to spend one minute of time in a nursing home.

The bigger thought that came to my mind was the idea of insurance in terms of eternity. How often have I treated my salvation like an insurance policy. Live like you choose, Carol, after all you have "fire insurance". Sad, but I bet there are other people out there besides myself that have looked at their salvation in such a flippant way.

Our salvation though came at a premium price that cannot be described in dollars and cents. Our salvation cost God the death of His precious Son. Jesus gave up His throne in heaven to come to earth as a man, suffer unspeakable pain in order to pay for my sin. How can this be taken lightly? How can we not reflect on the cost of our redemption?

This policy purchased by my Savior is for my eternal care. Not just for long term care - but eternal. Can I even comprehend what that means? There is nothing on this earth that can compare with the knowledge that my salvation is secure in heaven. Nothing can rob me of this. I may lose every earthly possession but nothing can snatch me out of the hand of my Father.

So rather than being depressed about the fact that age is creeping up on me - I will find the way to make each day count. Find ways to share with others that they too can have an insurance policy of eternal care. And the one that provides that care does not discriminate. There is no restriction on who can come - they only must accept the provision. This is the greatest of all gifts.

The Hem of His Garment

2008-09-18T18:26:00.007-04:00

Matthew 9:20-21 'Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak. She said to herself, "If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed."'

What must it have been like to have been this woman? I wonder. For twelve long years she had suffered with health issues that not only made her feel weak and distressed but also brought about ostracism from her friends and family. Finally as a last ditch effort she pushed her way through the crowd in an attempt to see the Master. Surely she had heard about the miracles of healing that He had performed and now she was intent on finding healing for herself.

The crowd that surrounded Jesus was immense. She must have felt out of place and perhaps even afraid that those around her would see her and mention to Him that an "unclean" woman was in their midst. Fear, I am sure must have been her constant companion. Yet, still she pressed on. I wonder if she had any friends who walked beside her or did she walk alone?

There He was! She caught a glimpse of Him and could even hear the sound of His voice as He shared with the mob around Him truths about the Father. Her heart pounding she tried to think of a way to interact with Him. Yet, with each passing moment she could feel the distance grow between where she stood and where Jesus was heading. What could she do? Suddenly, in desperation she must have thought, "If I could just touch His garment - it would be enough." What kind of faith was that? Faith that Jesus and His healing power transcended the human touch. Faith that by just reaching out and touching the great Healer that she would be free. And so she stretched out her trembling arms and grasped the hem - the very edge of His robe.

Suddenly, He turned. What did she feel? Was she afraid? I bet she was. Especially when He spoke and mentioned that someone had touched Him and that He had felt power leave Him and be given to another. The disciples must have thought Him absurd to even wonder who touched Him when the gathering of followers continued to swell. But He knew. He knew her. He knew her need and felt her pain. He knew that she was afraid. He spoke to her. "Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart, daughter," he said, "your faith has healed you." And the woman was healed from that moment." Her faith had healed her. Her faith in the one who she touched.

Like the woman in this story, I too have experienced the healing that comes from the touch of His garment. Not in the literal sense as she had but in the spiritual sense. My issues were different by far than hers; but, I do know what it is like to feel alone and afraid. I know what it feels like to wonder whether the crowd who surrounded me would push me away and not let me grow close to the Savior. But, He turned and He looked back at me. He reminded me that my faith would heal me too. It was a matter of trust.

A Sea of Humanity

2008-09-14T10:54:00.005-04:00

I am not much for crowds. I hate the pushing and shoving and the waiting in lines. But once in awhile I have to just deal with it if I want to attend some of my favorite events. For example, I love baseball. So I survive the jostling in order to watch 9 men with a stick and a ball sweat out in the summer sun. I love concerts where my favorite musicians and singers share their talents with the masses. And I enjoy events such as Women of Faith. Bearing that in mind, I just have to get past the fact that there are rude people who shove ahead of me in line, traffic that can cause even the calmist driver to fret and a never ending wait to use the bathroom.

Yesterday as I was coming down the escalator at the Women of Faith conference I mentioned (shouted) to my friend that it looked like a sea of humanity. And it was. Everywhere I looked there were women. Some were talking, some were listening and some just were walking alone. But each and every one of them represented a soul that my Savior loves and died for. My question was and still is - how many of them know that?

Our world is a lonely place filled with people who struggle for a sense of connection. Many are born into circumstances where love is absent. Many are castaways - unwanted by family - and unloved by the world. Still others have lost their way on the journey of life. Perhaps they started down paths that led them to Christ but along the way choices pulled them off and now they too feel alone and abandoned. How heart wrenching it is to be alone and worse yet to feel unwanted and abandoned.

I believe that when Jesus looked out on the sea of humanity that followed Him everywhere He had a heart of compassion and love for them. And this is the heart that I believe He wants each of us who know Him to have and to share. But it is not easy. There is a real inconvenience about loving other people. I mean after all I might have to give up something that means the world to me. Or perhaps I would have to take a back seat or no seat at all in order to allow another to rest. Maybe I would have to shoulder more of the load in order to give a fellow laborer a much needed break. I might have to sacrifice.

Ah, there is the rub. I might have to sacrifice. Am I willing to do that? Could I give up what I feel I have rightfully earned in order for someone less fortunate than myself to enjoy a small pleasure? Could I invest valuable time in the life of someone else in order to see them come into the kingdom even if it meant I might not be able to indulge in an activity that I enjoy?

Do I really care about people or do I simply give it lip service? Oh Father, I pray that is not the case. I want to look out on the sea of humanity that crosses my daily path and have Your heart. I want to see the lonely faces and know that I have the answer that can give them peace that knows no understanding and the love that only comes from being a child of the King. Wash over me and cleanse me of the selfish spirit that wants what I want first and foremost. Allow me to enter into Your work with a renewed passion and a sense of earnestness and urgency. Take away any of the barriers that keep me from seeking Your best for the world that I am a part of. Help me to love as You love. Teach me to be a living sacrifice - wholly and acceptable unto You.

An Unexpected Award and Friends

2008-09-09T20:06:00.004-04:00

The other day I was blogging about being lonely. Isn't it amazing how God reaches down in extra-ordinary ways and brings people into our lives to let us know He understands our needs? I just think that is one of the best things about being His child. He knows - before I even ask.

My journey has taken me to enroll in a writing course. I do not really know where God is leading me in this but I feel strongly compelled to learn to write effectively so that I can share my story with others. Along the way, I "bumped" into a new friend, Heidi. Heidi is a part of the same writing guild that I now belong to and also is a blogger. You really should check her work out, "Moms, Ministry and More". She graciously read my blog and gave me this really neat award. It meant a great deal to me. Not so much that she liked my writing but that she felt connected to me through it. That really meant a lot.

Writing to me is a window to my soul. If you have followed my journey this past year or more (or if you have known me for awhile) you know that my soul has experienced tremendous sorrow as well as joy. My writing is my way of sharing the depths of that pain as well as the healing that God has done. To share that with someone new and to have them connect with me is an unexpected gift.

God is good. He has given me friends over the years who have stuck by me through the good times as well as the bad. And He continues to send new people into my life to bring new perspectives and challenges. I am so grateful to Him for hearing my prayer and filling my need. He is so good.

And so, I would encourage you to reach out to others in a new way. It may be through a blog post or maybe it is someone who is sitting in a pew in your church. There are a lot of lonely people out in our world who need an encouraging arm wrapped around them or a kind word spoken to them. Who knows - it may lead to a wonderful new friendship!

Heidi, thank you for this. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and acknowledge it. May God richly bless you and your family in your work and may your writing continue to inspire others to a closer walk with our Lord.

Make Me a Vessel

2008-09-07T17:25:00.003-04:00

2 Corinthians 4:7 "But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us."

Today I was thinking a lot about containers. An odd thing to be thinking about, I agree, but it was what was running through my mind. In our marketing crazy world the science of containers has become a pretty hot commodity. It is all about the packaging.

While drinking my coffee this morning I was looking at my favorite mug. It is a heavy mug with a beautiful rim and a sturdy handle. It feels good on my lips as I drink the warm brew each morning. And even though it is still summer I enjoy the snowflakes that were burned into the finish on the cup. Still, if I went and got a paper cup and poured my coffee into it the taste would pretty much be the same. For that matter I could pour my coffee into a bowl or a vase or a milk jug and it would still be coffee - warm and inviting.

What I am getting at here is that the container really doesn't matter. The vessel is not what brings the value - it is what the vessel contains. After all Starbucks couldn't possibly charge you nearly $3.00 for an empty paper cup could they?

We then are containers or as Paul states above - earthen vessels - that God in His marvelous grace chose to place the Holy Spirit. Imagine it - God dwells within each of us that are His children. It doesn't matter what the vessel looks like - its shape, its color, its age. What matters is that the vessel is fit for the Holy Spirit to take up residence within it.

But, what if the vessel isn't clean? In my analogy of the coffee cup suppose that there was residue of some other beverage in that cup. I pour in my freshly brewed coffee awaiting with anticipation that first sip. Then I taste something unfamiliar and certainly not expected. It tastes bad. It still is a cup of coffee but it is now tainted. Like that cup if I am not clean, if I do not continually evaluate the state of my vessel the Holy Spirit must live within me and His power may be tainted by my sin. What people see of this vessel should portray its contents.

My prayer is that I would be a vessel that is fit for the King of kings. I want to be pure and holy so that the power of God is evident to all that come in contact with me.

Lonely

2008-09-03T20:10:00.004-04:00

I am missing Claire. Isn't that weird? The past two years have been so difficult and yet I find myself missing the sound of her voice, the opening and closing of her door and yes - even the cutting, sometime hurtful comments. I truly love that girl. And I am so grateful for her role in my life.

In 1999 I began a journey that took me far from my family and friends. It all started out so innocently. And actually it was a result of feeling lonely. I had prayed that God would provide a friend for me - someone who could hear my heart. I believed that He had answered that prayer. I became more and more involved in spending time together, feeding this starving desire to be loved and cared for. And over the course of time the neglect of my kids and husband led to the break up of our family.

Sadly, the pain that Claire has experienced that has brought about so much of her anger has its source in those decisions that I made. It took nearly 8 years for me to wander out of the abyss that I was living in. Claire had to rock my world in order for me to realize that my selfishness had to end.

Claire has challenged me in ways that I never thought I would be challenged. Raising her these last two years has been a struggle and I do not always feel that I have been succesful. But, I do know this - God has used this situation to bring me back to Him. I am choosing to look at this situation as an opportunity for me to grow closer to God and to hopefully grow in a deeper, more meaningful relationship with my daughter.

Yet, this loneliness nags at me. I long to have someone that will answer the deepest needs of my heart. All through the wandering years I know that God was teaching me that the loneliness came from separation from Him. And now as I am growing closer to His heart I need to choose Him first and foremost. I need to seek His love above any others and to listen to His voice above the noise of the world around me. His love and peace is really all that I need.

If in His love for me He would provide healing with Claire that would be an undeserved gift. I pray for that. Not for my own sake but for hers. I want her to learn to seek God above all else and I pray that even in these days when she is so far from family and friends that He will fill her lonely heart with longing for Him. He is greater by far than the chasm that I created. And I am grateful for the bridge that He lay down to bring me back to His heart. And I pray that my dear Claire bear will find the way back before it is too late.

I love you, Claire Elizabeth.

Why Worry?

2008-08-31T11:22:00.003-04:00

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ? Matthew 6:27

Worrying has been a family tradition for as long as I can remember. My mom at age 85 has mastered the science. My son at age 23 seems well on his way and I at 51 have finally declared - ENOUGH!

For all the worrying I have done in my life what has it really gained me? I mean did the worrying actually change the outcome? Did it make things better or did it just compound the issue? Is worrying more about control than anything else? I think that is exactly what it is.

In Matthew Jesus challenged his followers and us by extension that we by our worrying cannot add one hour to our lives. I think that makes us angry. I think that we choose to worry because we believe we know better than God. And we sense by our worrying that somehow we can change or impact the outcome. Foolish, silly people we are. How small and insignifcant our desire to control. How unnecessary the hours of sleepless nights thinking about what we could have done differently or should have said differently. How crazy it is to spend time trying to position ourselves in such a way that we would change the outcome. Who are we trying to kid? God is in control. He allows us choices - but ultimately - He knows.

One day ago I saw my daughter off from the train station in Harrisburg as she made her way to New York City. What could I do? I could choose to worry her the whole way there - wondering if she would make the flight from JFK - wondering if she would get to London - wondering - wondering - wondering. But, instead, this time I choose to kiss her goodbye (with tears running down my cheeks!) and commend her into God's hands. There was nothing more I could do. And you know what - I felt FREE!!!!

I am choosing to believe that God has Claire's ultimate good in mind. I am choosing to believe that He will see her through this time away and will give her a renewed love for family and I prayerfully ask that she will find her way back to God. Ultimately, though - all of the choices are up to her. I can only be responsible for my part. My part is to pray for her, love her from a distance and continue to learn how to walk in purity and humilty with my God.

Worrying does no good. It changes nothing. It only adds to the pile of wasted time and energy that eeks away all the vitality of life. Maybe there is hope that the family tradition can stop with me. I believe that it can. I believe that God is teaching me that by faith I can walk. He knows my heart and the footsteps that I will take. And so in faith I will trust. And in faith I will give Him all of my worries. Because I am tired of carrying them and I am tired of being responsible! And I finally realize - He never asked me to be.

The Turning of a Page

2008-08-27T21:49:00.003-04:00

You know tomorrow my little girl turns 19. It seems only yesterday I was cleaning up after spills and diapers. Listening to her sing nursery rhymes and learning to count. Binding up cuts and kissing "boo boos". And now, she is a woman. And she is about to set off on the adventure of a life time. It is the turning of a page for her and the end of an era for me.

For a long time I have experienced the cold, hard reality that my children have grown up and really don't "need" me any more. They are pretty self-sufficient and able to survive quite nicely without all of my wisdom - even though I still try and give it. Now, I have become what I never thought I would become - like my mom.

I wring my hands with worry about the decisions that they make. Shake my head in frustration when they don't take all of my sound advice. Wag my tongue at any that will listen when my heart is broken. And pray all the time that God will take the small flicker of hope that I hold that they will return to the One that holds their future.

It is a difficult thing to let go of your children. We say that we surrender them to the Lord when we dedicate them when they are babies but it is a whole different thing to actually trust Him when we must take our hands off and set them free. Trust is something that does not come easy to me. I want to hold onto the strings and keep a tight grip on their comings and goings. I want to protect them from all the evil in the world and more importantly protect them from themselves. But, like my mom with me, I cannot do this. I must sit by and watch and pray.

But, I am going to be different than my mom. I am going to stop worrying. I am going to commit them to God and pray for their well-being knowing that He loves them far more than I ever could. I am going to trust that He will guard their footsteps and put a hedge of protection around them. And I am going to claim the promise of the prodigal son that my children will one day return back to the Father.

And tomorrow, when my little girl turns 19 - I will wish her well. I will put all of the mothering to rest knowing that I have done what I could. I will forgive myself for the mistakes I have made and the hurt that I have caused and put my energy into living a life that my children can respect. They may not always agree with me - or me with them - and that is okay.

Here is to the turning of a page in the book of Claire's life. And here is to the end of an era in my role as mother.

God bless you Claire! I love you.

It's a Small, Small Thing

2008-08-20T21:03:00.002-04:00

One of my most difficult life-time struggles has been "people pleasing". It is a hard master and one that brings with it a great deal of pain. I find that I chase myself around in circles trying to make everyone around me happy. And in the meantime, I fall further and further behind.

Recently, I was listening to a great sermon by James MacDonald of Harvest Church in Illinois and the title of the message was "No more people pleasing". It was by no coincidence that I heard this sermon at this particular point in time. God knew that I really have been struggling with a lot of family issues of late and that I was being torn apart by them. Trying to meet the needs of everyone and finding that I was failing at every turn made me feel more discouraged than I have in a very long time. In fact, as I wrote earlier - I hit the wall.

But, I was reminded that it is a very small thing what others think of me. And it is even a smaller thing what I think of myself. What really matters at the end of the day is what God thinks of me. You can look at me with displeasure because I do not measure up to the standards that you have set for me but it is only God's standard that I have to measure myself with.

God has provided through His mercy, salvation. This gift, which I have unfortunately at times treated very casually has become the focus of my life. I no longer want what the world wants. I want what God wants for my life. I fear what it will be like to stand in front of a righteous God and have nothing to cast at the feet of my Savior.

And so it is a small thing whether or not I am a success here on this earth based on human standards. I want only to be more in love with my Lord. I want only to bring Him pleasure and to become a sweet smelling savor as a sacrifice of praise to HIm.

No Bit or Bridle for Me

2008-08-10T13:22:00.003-04:00

Several years ago I had this burning desire to learn how to correctly ride a horse. Along with a friend from work we set off to become equestrians! Little did I know that part of learning to ride was learning how to saddle and bridle the horse. There is a real knack to getting everything precisely done - and believe me - those old nags knew when a novice was readying them for the trail. Needless to say, after the six weeks of lessons I did not rush right out and buy a horse. But, I do have a healthy respect for them and truly appreciate the work that goes into breaking one and making them "willing" to sit a rider.

This morning our pastor was teaching from Psalm 32. What a powerful message of God's forgiveness and the hard lessons that David had to learn because of his sin. Verse 9 really stuck in my mind as I was thinking about the sermon on the way home.

Do not be like the horse or the mule,
which have no understanding
but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you.

Like the horse or mule that David spoke about in this psalm, I have had to be yanked about by the bit and bridle. Often times God must bring correction into the lives of His children. This correction is not pleasant and at times it is embarrassing or painful. But, just as we do not want our earthly children to disobey neither does God. He knows that the disobedience will bring suffering far worse than the correction that He instills.

If you have ever watched a horse though that has a bit in their mouths you can tell that they do not "enjoy" having that metal piece lodged between their jaws. And certainly when the rider pulls them from one side to the other often in rapid succession or with incredible force it must be painful. That would be the only reason that the horse obeys as I am sure they have a lot of other ideas of how they would like to spend their time rather than hauling humans around. Yet, God's word says that without the bit and bridle they would not come to you. In other words - that is the only option.

We though do not have to be like the horse or mule. We can make the choice to obey without having to be yanked about by the bit and bridle that God uses to correct us. I believe that it comes from obedience and willingness to stay hidden in the hiding place that God provides for us. Verses 7 and 8 say:

You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
Selah

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you and watch over you.

His Word is meant to instruct us and wise is the man or woman who listens to the Word and obeys. In the obedience comes deliverance. In the obedience comes real freedom. I pray for that type of obedience. I pray for that type of willingness to go where He leads and no longer be corrected by the bit and bridle of God.

Against the Wall

2008-08-05T10:13:00.002-04:00

It has finally happened. I have hit the wall. I am banging my head against it, flailing my arms at it and pushing with all my might and it just won't budge. This is the wall of control. This is the wall of "I want to fix it". This is the wall that has been heading my way for quite some time and finally I am here.

All of this anger and frustration and purposeless living has finally gotten to me. I feel as though nothing I do is going to make any difference. I am battling an enemy that is within my own person. It is not anyone else - it is me. It is the old nature that continues to rear her head and wants to make everybody else happy with her. And the wall says - you can't do it. The wall says - stop. The wall says - you lose.

When will I ever learn that it is not my battle to fight? When will I ever learn that it is not my business? When will I ever learn that God is the one who controls the destiny of those around me? I cannot nor should I even think that I could possibly make things different or better for those around me. I mean after all - look at all the dumb decisions that I have made and the outcomes of each and every one of them.

So I am done. I am done trying to fix things. I am done trying to make everyone else happy. There comes a point of decision and I am there. I am going to stop beating myself up. I am going to stop sidestepping issues and deal with things head on. I am not a robot nor am I able to just remain aloof from what surrounds me. But, I am also able to relinquish control to my Father. The One and only person who can make things right. The One and only that knows the end from the beginning. The One and only who can calm my fears and free my troubled mind.

Oh God, I am so weary
This load has been so heavy

Take it from me and free my mind
Help me leave it with you and never take it up again

Watch over my soul and keep me in Your will
Keep my mind from being controlled by thoughts I cannot contain

Lead me to your refreshing waters where my soul can be nourished
Help me to wander freely about in the pasture of your grace

Teach me to choose You above all else
Humble me in the shadow of your might

Give me a clean heart that is renewed each day
Foster in me a love that knows no limits

Cleanse my wicked thoughts and purge my iniquities
Grant me the spirit of kindness and remove the spirit of fear.

I love you. I need you. And the wall is way too high. Lift me above it, I pray.

The Fragile Nature of Life

2008-08-04T14:08:00.003-04:00

For the longest time it did not seem that I was getting older. I knew that the years were passing by but I felt good and the possibility of death seemed so far off and remote. Even the passing of my dad four years ago seemed appropriate, although sad. After all, he was nearly 85.

But, in the last month two of my family members, contemporaries of mine became ill. My brother-in-law has been quite frail in recent years and my sister is facing many difficult and life-changing decisions in regard to him and his care. On the other hand, my sister-in-law has been robust and ready to face all of life's challenges and so finding out she has a major illness came as quite a blow.

All of a sudden, it seems as though I am feeling tired. Like this is just not a good place to be any more. It feels as though the cold wind of winter is about to blow in on our family and I am not ready for that. I want the warmth of summer to last forever. It makes me feel melancholy. And it feels so out of my control.

Could it be that God is trying to tell me that I need to step up to the plate and make something of life instead of just going through the motions? But, what exactly is His plan for me? I feel adrift. I am aimless and the direction seems so changeable.

This morning I was reading Psalm 112. The psalms have been so real to me of late. I guess because I like the psalmist have felt the joy and the sorrow, the victory and the defeats and the closeness and distance of God.

1 Praise the LORD.
Blessed is the man who fears the LORD,
who finds great delight in his commands.

2 His children will be mighty in the land;
the generation of the upright will be blessed.

3 Wealth and riches are in his house,
and his righteousness endures forever.

4 Even in darkness light dawns for the upright,
for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man.

5 Good will come to him who is generous and lends freely,
who conducts his affairs with justice.

6 Surely he will never be shaken;
a righteous man will be remembered forever.

7 He will have no fear of bad news;
his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.

8 His heart is secure, he will have no fear;
in the end he will look in triumph on his foes.

9 He has scattered abroad his gifts to the poor,
his righteousness endures forever;
his horn will be lifted high in honor.

10 The wicked man will see and be vexed,
he will gnash his teeth and waste away;
the longings of the wicked will come to nothing.

The promises of this psalm calm my wavering heart as I think about them. God promises that the person who fears God and delights in His commands will be blessed. I do have a holy fear of God. I realize more each day how awesome He is and how small I am. I see my weakness and acknowledge His strength. I confess my waywardness as I rejoice in His grace. And yet - I feel adrift.

Is it because I am still seeking out what the world has to offer? Is it because I have not ever really given my life over to the Lordship of Christ and allowed Him to work His will in my life? Is this why I feel somewhat fragile in the face of eternity? Is this why all of this uncertainty surrounding those dear to me shakes me so?

As I read this psalm I realize that the truth is that I have not been faithful to the direction that God has provided over the years. I have chosen my own path and have often times gone the way of sin rather than the way of righteousness. I long to have the confidence that the psalmist had when he wrote that his heart was secure and he had no fear.

And so I must seek out the truth of God for me. I must put my trust in His commands and be obedient to what comes without questioning. All of this uncertainty about the future should be directing me toward God rather than away from Him. In order for my heart to be secure and to have no fear I must put my trust singularly in God. Not in myself, not in others.

Being Congruent

2008-07-28T21:14:00.003-04:00

Being congruent is my goal. If you were a math person you would probably be familiar with the term congruent. It is often applied to triangles. Two triangles are said to be congruent when they are the same shape and size. Okay so you are wondering what in the world does that have to do with me.

To be truthful, I have not been congruent. I have been anything but. My behavior over the years, the choices that I have made certainly were not identical to my Father. We are to be like Christ. Whenever we stray away from the directives given to us in the Word of God we lose our congruency. Our angles become out of perspective. And sometimes the differences become so great that we no longer resemble our Savior.

My heart's desire is to become congruent. This desire though is not easy to fulfill. It means at times falling out of favor with loved ones because the choices that I must make are not always the popular ones. Sometimes it may mean leaving a job if it compromises what I believe God is directing me to do. The bending and molding that God must do in order to bring congruency back into my life has been and continues to be painful. Yet, there is a joy in the pain. There is joy in knowing that the more I seek to be like Him the more I will be congruent to Him. People will see Him through me.

My prayer is that no matter how difficult the molding becomes that I will stay true to the process that God is working out in me. I pray that no matter how rugged the times become that I will follow hard after Him and live to see my image conformed more closely to His. And someday - when I see Him in His glory - I will be completely congruent!

Words

2008-07-16T19:37:00.004-04:00

I have been thinking a lot about words. Words have the capability to soothe or to harm, to uplift or to degrade, to encourage or to despair. They can have a bite to them or they can be musical.

How we use words in our everyday lives imparts to others the intent of our heart. Sometimes our word though is not to be trusted. We hide behind lies when it suits our purposes. Or at times we give words of flattery when we feel it will make the other person happy or perhaps go easier on us. When the intent of our heart is not pure - the words that we speak are not pure either.

Over and over in scripture the intent of the heart is mentioned in response to the words and actions that we speak and do. Matthew 15:18 says "But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man 'unclean.'" Our hearts in their unclean state allow us to issue words that are neither true or right. The tongue is like an untamed rudder that runs the boat adrift.

I struggle at times with my heart. There are circumstances that have caused me to harbor hard feelings toward others. These feelings reside deep within my heart and out of my mouth come words that can bring harm to those people. My prayers of late has turned toward the deep-seeded sin that causes me to say or think things about others that is hurtful. I know that God is teaching me that to love others as I am called to requires dealing with the heart issues. Whenever I am tempted to say things that are untrue or to gossip about someone I am trusting that God will instead help me to bring blessing to those that have harmed me. It is hard. But it is was is right.

Psalm 19:14 is now the prayer of my heart. "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer." I pray that I will dedicate my heart to edifying those that God puts in my path and that the words that I say, write or think will be pleasing to the Lord. It will always be a struggle in this life because the father of lies desires nothing more than to have us say things that will bring pain to others but I do believe that by the strength of the Holy Spirit I will be able to overcome the weakness of my flesh in this area.

Words are a powerful tool. I pray that this tool will be used for construction and not for destruction in the lives that I come in contact with.

Tunneling Through

2008-07-13T20:21:00.002-04:00

Sunlight - fresh air - freedom! That is what it feels like when you finally emerge out of a tunnel. Just how great that feels depends on how long the tunnel journey. I can tell you - my tunnel was long. And I can also tell you - the air is sweet!

I entered into the tunnel of darkness nearly 9 years ago now. It was a gradual thing. Actually for part of the trip there were companions but eventually I found myself crawling along in the darkness all alone. Sometimes I could feel the tunnel sloping downward and other times I could sense it leveling off. But always there was darkness and the stench of fetid air.

There were times while in the tunnel where I came at decision points. Would I turn to the left or the right, would I go straight or would I go up? All along I was trying to make this journey through the tunnel in my own strength with my own wisdom and with my own determination. But I wasn't making any headway. In fact, if anything I was falling deeper and deeper into the tunnel - further from the light.

But God....

Yes, but God. Philippians 1:6 says "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Nearly 45 years ago, I received Jesus Christ as my Savior and Lord and even though there have been many times that I have wandered away from the Father, He continued to work in me because He is going to be true to His word and complete it.

The tunnel began to narrow and get more and more confined. The air became almost unbreathable. The pressure of previous choices were pressing in on me. I know now that God was using this time of my life to help me to see just how great was my need. I needed to surrender control of my life, my attitudes, my children in order to begin the journey out of the tunnel.

Slowly with the help and guidance of the Holy Spirit I began the slow assent up. Along the way, there have been companions, some new and some from days gone by who began to show the way. Encouraging me to keep believing, keep breathing in the fresh air of the Spirit. Gradually the tunnel began to widen and the air began to clear. Off in the distance I could see a faint light. And so I continued to crawl along, only faster.

And then it happened! I saw the end of the tunnel. Light broke upon the darkness and all was true and right again. God in His infinite mercy extended to me the opportunity to see His love in action. I feel a sense of freedom and joy that I have not felt in so long. He is good! He is faithful and He is true.

Time Away

2008-07-08T00:25:00.002-04:00

As I write this entry, I am in a hotel room in Bismarck, North Dakota. It is truly one of my favorite places to visit. I love the land, the people, the simplicity of the life of here.

When I am away from home and things familiar it reminds me of how I really am a traveler in life. God never intended us to become so rooted down in the cares of the world that we would consider this place home. He wants us to always be looking forward to going home - and home is where God is.

So while we are temporarily roaming this earth our outlook should be one of seeing this time as a preparation for what it to come. What are we spending our time doing? What are we investing in? Are they temporary, fleeting objects that will be gone when our earthly travail has past? Or are we investing our hearts and lives into those people that we want to see with us in heaven?

The picture that I have posted with this entry is of a little church that I saw on the prairie here in North Dakota. The beautiful blue sky framed the church and all I could think of at that time was how the steeple pointed straight to heaven. We are always to be looking up - thinking of God and of the permanent home He is preparing for us. And one day in the clouds, the Savior will return to take us home to be with Him. There will be no more worry, no more fretting about things that really don't matter. For all of our sorrows will be turned to joy, all of our questions will be answered and we will be like Him for we shall see Him as He is.

How glad I am for time away. Time away reminds me that there are people and places all over the world where the love of the Savior is not known. There are people that have never heard the good news of salvation. The temporary home that they live in - is all that they know. Oh that I might be more concerned about the permanent future of those that I come in contact with as I travel from place to place in life's journey.

Disappointment

2008-07-03T10:33:00.002-04:00

I suddenly realize that I have "arrived" at motherhood. Now you may be thinking, if you know me, wow - it took her a long time to get there. After all, Geoff just turned 23 in June. But, I finally have felt what I am sure mother's all over the world have felt for their children, disappointment.

I looked up the word in the dictionary. And of course as dictionaries so often it led me to another word - "the state or feeling of being disappointed." And so I looked up disappointed. And this really hit home -"depressed or discouraged by the failure of one's hopes or expectations".

Over the last six months or so, Geoff has been working extremely hard at his job in hopes of being promoted to a full-time position. This has meant doing things above and beyond the call of duty and often times having to clean up messes made by other people. His hard work had not gone unnoticed by those in authority over him. He had been told time and again that he was going to receive the promotion that he was working so hard for. Financially, he really needed this position. He and his wife have been struggling for awhile and I know that this would ease that situation tremendously.

So yesterday was to be the day. He had his suit in his truck, his shirt pressed, his tie clean and his spirits high. But, it didn't happen. In fact, he was told to go home. Somewhere in the bureaucracy of his company, the paperwork had not been completed correctly, or someone had forgotten to do what needed to be done. He was absolutely CRUSHED. So sad in fact that he went into hiding and would not answer his phone.

As a mom I was angry. Angry for him. Why would he not get what had been promised to him? Why would people lie to someone like him? My heart ached for him and for his wife. But, then I started to be angry with God. Maybe just a little bit. Or maybe a lot. After all I had prayed and prayed. My dear mom has prayed. Many others have prayed. But, God chose not to answer "yes" at this time. Why, God? What are you trying to teach Geoff? What are you trying to teach me?

Then this morning as I was reading the story of how God took the kingship away from Saul and gave it to David there was a verse that really touched me. I Samuel 15:29 says "He who is the Glory of Israel does not lie or change his mind; for he is not a man, that he should change his mind." So what does that have to do with this situation? Well, God has made many promises to us. He has promised that he has a path prepared for Geoff and Bethany. A path to give them hope and a future. He has promised that He will never leave them or forsake them. He has promised that we have no need to worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will take care of itself. And as I thought about all of these promises - and how God has been so faithful to me and to Geoff over the years - I realized that I wasn't angry any more. I was thankful. I am seeing that I must not try and manipulate God into my timing. His timing is perfect. His way is sure. And I can TRUST Him.

And so I have arrived. I now know how my dear Mom has felt all these years every time one of her chicks got hurt, made a mistake, brought sin into their lives. But, rather than worry and fret I am going to rejoice. Because He is not a man, that he would change His mind! Praise you, Father.

Living by Sight - Not a Good Plan

2008-06-24T17:12:00.003-04:00

II Corinthians 5: 5-10

"Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come. Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. We live by faith, not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad."

I am a visual person. Show it to me, prove it to me, let me touch it, smell it, taste it. Then I will believe it. But as I am learning now it is not the way that God works. God expects us, as the Apostle Paul states in II Corinthians for us to live by faith, not by sight. Ouch!

How do we become people of faith? How do we learn to follow God regardless of our circumstances?

Faith is not a part of who we are - it must be all of who we are. Sometimes I think I have lost sight of that. I keep thinking I must be doing something – I need to fix things – I need to say something or do something. Yet, as I reflect on those times when I ran ahead of God it was a losing proposition. Maybe not initially, but certainly down the road.

When we think about examples from the Scriptures of people who walked by faith – God also provided what happened when they didn’t. I think about Abraham. When God sent him out of his homeland, he went. He didn’t question. Yet, when confronted with who Sarah was, rather than trust God to get him out of the situation, he lied. He said that Sarah was his sister. Why? Fear! I am so often afraid too. I think how in the world can I live by faith in certain situations? Or how about the promise that God gave to Abraham of a son. Abraham waited for a long time but then because Sarah became more and more anxious about the lack of fulfillment of the promise – Abraham took Hagar and from that came Ishmael. Why? I believe it was lack of trust when God didn’t move in their time frame. Guilty! Wow, am I guilty! I want things when I want it.

I am learning that the only way that I can honestly walk by faith and not by sight is to constantly remind myself of what God has done. Has He been faithful in the past? Has He been faithful to His word? Those questions I know in my head are answered with a resounding “yes”. But, my actions do not send out that same signal. So in order to have my actions become congruent with what I know to be true then I must learn to rest. I must learn to wait. I must learn not to run ahead of God.

Truth be told – I want to be a woman of faith. I want to see God do what He promises to do. I want Him to use me as He would want to use me. This means that I must fight fear, I must fight the desire to be in control, and I must fight the temptation to lie. All of this boils down to being willing to surrender to the lordship of Jesus Christ and to see that the Spirit has been given to us as a deposit of what is to come.

Old Roads

2008-06-17T20:03:00.003-04:00

Recently, my husband Dave & I have been out riding our Harley's. And the roads have taken us to old haunts of mine. Places that have memories attached to them. It is a true statement that when you are riding a bike you have time to let the fresh air blow the cobwebs out of your head. Life has been a bit hectic of late with a lot of emotional upheaval and some unexpected twists so the open road has been a welcome friend.

Old roads lead to old destinations. Some of those are good and some of those are not so good. I passed by a few places on our jaunt that made me cringe and a few that made me smile. I guess that is why the apostle Paul said in Philippians 3:13-15
"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you."

So I got to thinking about some of the destinations. What I discovered is that there are some roads that God does not want me to go back down. There is danger at the destination. He wants me to learn from the experiences of the past. Kind of like the verse above where Paul says that those of us who are mature should take a view of these things and learn as God makes things clear. There are some roads that lead to God's blessing and provision. Those are the roads that should be well traveled. And those roads may be a part of the pressing on to the goal.

There are some of the old roads that are secret places to me. Places where I have had private moments with my God. Places where I have wept for what was and prayed for what would be. These places remind me of the faithfulness of God as He has mended my broken heart and taught me that He is the one that meets my needs. There also are places on those old roads where I have tried to hide from God. Like Adam and Eve I thought that I could hide from Him. Yet, He continued to call me out and beckoned me to walk with Him as we talked together. There have also been places on the old road where the path diverged. I have had to leave some traveling companions on those forks in the road. Those were painful partings and yet needful for my continued growth. Along the way, God has provided new companions or brought others back to the path with me.

I am grateful to God for all of His wonders and grace in my life. Even in these turbulent times we are in, I know that He is faithful to keep me walking on the narrow way. His ways, his old road is the way of the cross. And the way of the cross leads home. Even now, Lord Jesus, lead me home.

Take off the Mask

2008-06-09T20:56:00.004-04:00

Life is just one big object lesson. I have come to the conclusion that if you are really seeking to see God - you will find Him.

All of my life I have really liked clowns. In fact, Emit Kelly, pictured above always was one of my favorites. There was something about the sad face that pulled me to him. Or perhaps it was because I felt a kindred spirit with him because I too hid my real self behind a mask. Not very many people really ever knew the real me. I hid behind a mask. Life was easier behind the mask.

So yesterday I went with Claire to a picnic hosted by the local Teamsters union of which she is a member. All around the grounds were clowns. Happy clowns, sad clowns, scary clowns. They were making balloon animals, squirting kids with water, dancing and generally having a good time. This young man that Claire knows from UPS sat down with us and we got to chatting. He was telling me that he hated clowns. I was incredulous. How could you hate clowns? I mean - aren't they fun? To him, he saw them as "evil" always hiding behind a mask. Talk about an open door for discussion.... So I said to him, "Don't you ever wear a mask?" He quickly replied, "no and I don't have many friends! But, I would rather be real than hide behind a mask." Wow! Okay, God I hear you.

As is typical these days after something like this I stop and think about it. What lesson was there for me in this? Obviously, it is not good to wear a mask and to not be genuine. And it also is not good to be unkind. So somewhere in between there must be a happy medium. What keeps me behind the mask? It's fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of being ridiculed. Fear of not being accepted for who I am. As I thought about it I realized that Satan wants me behind the mask. When I am behind the mask then I am not allowing God to be in control. I am attempting to stay in control of my own life. To take off the mask is to totally trust in who God is and who I am in Him.

Taking off the mask cannot be done gradually. It is either off or on. I choose to take the mask off. I choose to allow God to be in total control and be the Lord of my life. No longer hiding behind the lies and deception of the mask. May God continue to reveal His reality to me in these lessons of life.

Focus

2008-06-08T21:12:00.003-04:00

This morning Dr. David Dunbar of Biblical Seminary was the guest speaker at our church. The message came from the gospel of John chapter 17. He was talking about the mission that we all have - not missions in the sense of going to a far off land but the actual mission that Christ had prayed about in John 17.

As he worked his way methodically through the high priestly prayer of our Savior prayed just hours before He was crucified Dr. Dunbar spoke of how often we can't see the forest for the trees. We get so caught up in things that we do or don't understand and we miss the bigger picture. As he preached I found myself thinking about this as it pertained to my own life.

When I was in seminary one of the verses that I had to memorize was John 17:17"Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth." I had always thought the word sanctify meant to set apart. Today, though a new meaning to this word was given and it really helped me to see this passage a bit more clearly than I ever had before. Sanctify can also mean focus. "Focus them by the truth; your word is truth." Verse 19 "For them I focus myself, that they too may be truly focused." What was Jesus saying?

Jesus was focused on bringing conclusion to the work that God had sent Him to do. He desired to finish well. How sad it would have been if after all the ministry, the miracles, the sermons, the prayers if Jesus would have said "no, I don't think I will finish this, it is too hard." Instead, as He got closer to the end, His prayer became all the more fervent that He would complete the work of the Father. His focus was on God. His focus was on obedience. His focus was on us - His mission.

What am I focused on? Do I see the mission that Jesus has for me to accomplish? Am I bent on finishing well? In the final verses of this chapter, Jesus said, "My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me." Our mission, my mission is to present the living Jesus to all that cross my path. Not in a down your throat mentality but in a relational way. People need to know that they are loved and cared for. And the church has failed miserably in this. We have not been loving even amongst ourselves. How then can those who are on the outside be expected to yearn for the peace that only God can give?

But, we do have the answer. "They will know we are Christians by our love, by our love." Will they? Do they see us loving one another? Do they see us reaching out of our supply to meet their need? Oh Father, may it be said of me that I finished well. Please work in me to finish the mission that you have laid out for me. In obedience may I seek to share the love of Jesus Christ with all that I come in contact. Help me to hear your voice.

Never Underestimate the Voice of God

2008-06-07T21:10:00.003-04:00

In recent months I have been trying to listen more closely to what I now know is the Spirit of God as He speaks to me. It is all about listening prayer. Pray and expect to hear - listen for what God is telling me - obey and trust. So it should not come as any surprise what happened just recently.

My son, Geoff is turning 23 on the 10th of June. Last weekend we were going to celebrate his birthday because he and his wife, Bethany would be gone on vacation over the actual day. Dave and I had decided that we would give him money because of the high cost of gas to help defray the cost of the trip. But, I have never been a big fan of the money or gift certificate kind of gift. It just seems so impersonal.

So, I was getting ready for the party and for some reason I spied the Bible that my mom had given to me right after my dad died. This was his last Bible that he could read before he lost his eyesight. I heard the Spirit say, "Give this to Geoff". I opened the well-worn pages, turning to see places where my dad had written notes or underlined passages that meant something to him. Again, I heard the voice. But, there was a part of me that just didn't want to do it. I wanted to keep it. After all this was my dad's. And I was concerned that if I gave it to Geoff he would just chuck it in a corner and it would have no meaning.

I finished getting dressed and finally, the Spirit said, "Carol, give that to Geoff - it is a part of his heritage." In obedience, I went in and wrote a card out to Geoff and taped it to the front. I told him why I was giving it to him and that it would mean a great deal to his granddad that he had his Bible. I wrapped it up and took it downstairs.

Geoff was so appreciative of the gesture. He came in and personally thanked me for giving it to him and what it meant to have it. But, I thought at that time that would be the last I would hear of it.

Today, Geoff's mother-in-law shared with me that Geoff felt that the Bible made his birthday. He and Bethany are now reading it together. Oh how I praise God that His voice prompted me to give the Bible to Geoff. I have been praying for my son and his sweet wife. I long to see him walk in humility with God just as my dad did. I pray that this will be the beginning of a renewed walk with the Lord Jesus.

How I praise You, Father. There is no other explanation for what brought that gift to mind other than You. I place my trust in You for the ones that I hold dear. Thank You for Your love extended toward my son and the heritage of love for You that my dad extended toward me.

Transparent Wings

2008-06-05T21:08:00.003-04:00

Hebrews 13:18 "Pray for us, for we are sure that we have a clear conscience, desiring to act honorably in all things."

My cousin, Bill sent me an email today that had pictures of butterflies with transparent wings. It was an amazing thing to look at. Each wing was intricately made and you could see through to the flowers or tree that were behind it. As I looked at that I thought about the word transparent. So I decided to look it up. After the more scientific meaning the following definitions were given. "free from pretense or deceit, easily detected or seen through".

So often Christians talk about how important it is for us to be transparent with one another. I looked at this definition and got to thinking about whether or not I really would be or could be transparent with someone else. This would include being totally honest when questions are asked, not thinking more highly of myself than I should and demonstrating that my motivations are pure. That is a lot for any one to ask of another human.

But, if we take the Word of God seriously, we know that God has given us the capability to live a transparent life. Nothing to hide, nothing to fear and everything to gain. The Spirit that lives within each one is very God. And that Spirit provides for us all of the characteristics of Jesus Christ. He was truly a transparent man. There was nothing pretentious or deceitful about Him. His motives were pure and right. He came to honor the Father. Everything that He did was in obedience to God. We are challenged to be holy even as He is holy. That is a transparent life.

The verse that I put at the beginning is a prayer that we all should pray daily. If we pray that we would act and think in an honorable way - our conscience will be clear. And if your conscience is clear then you have nothing to fear by being transparent. People can look right through your actions to see the reality of the One that motivates your thoughts. May they see Christ in me as I seek to live a transparent life.

Honor Your Father and Mother

2008-06-02T21:20:00.003-04:00

Deuteronomy 5:16 "Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the LORD your God is giving you.

Sometimes memories of my dad will come rushing back into my mind and it is like he is still here. Nearly four years ago two weeks shy of his 85th birthday, my dad went home to be with the Lord. Now mom wanders about in the home that they built and misses her mate of 62 years.

There is something to be said for longevity of marriage. There is a certainty about it. You know the other persons strengths and weaknesses. And if you chose to have a marriage that was harmonious you learned how to deal appropriately with each challenge that came along. As the children came, mom and dad struggled to keep the family home financially afloat while still being faithful to the commitment to give to the Lord His tithe.

Hard work was the watchword. Both of them were never given to sitting around. In fact, we learned as kids to chat with mom while she did dishes, cleaned, sewed, gardened or whatever was the task at hand. Dad was more of a moving target. The farm took a lot of his time but he did spend time now and again helping with homework problems that caused us to stumble.

I marvel as I look back at the heritage that they provided to each of us. Oh, there were things that I surely wish had been done differently but I believe that God gave me parents that loved Him first and foremost. They loved their children and gave of all they had to see us achieve more than what they ever expected. They loved us through the stormy years and loved us through the peaceful ones and for that I am thankful.

Honoring your father and mother is not about giving gifts. Although there is nothing wrong with that expression. Honoring your father and mother is about giving thanks for the sacrifices and the love that they provided. It is about teaching your children about what was important to their grandparents. It is about realizing that the very life that God has given to me was an expression of their love. What a miracle. And what a blessing.

I miss you, Dad. And I am doing my best to honor mom in every way I can.

A Sailboat and Joy

2008-05-29T17:12:00.003-04:00

One ship sails east
One ship sails west
Regardless of how the winds blow.
It is the set of the sail
And not the gale
That determines the way we go.
(Ella Wheeler Wilcox)

God is not a god of coincidence. Have you ever noted that? He has a defined purpose and plan for each of us. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

So if you have been following my journey you know that I have been traveling on the road to healing from a long visit in the desert. And it seems that everywhere I turn I am confronted by the word "joy". Every sermon I have listened to the past few days has had as their focus the book of Philippians and the joy that the apostle Paul wrote about. Then today on my igoogle site where I have quotes from Two Listeners it said "Go forward you are beginning a new Life. Joy, Joy, Joy." Okay, God - I hear you.

The poem that I put at the top is one that I heard today and wanted to share. It is all about choice. As I wrote yesterday, I choose joy. My sail is set on the journey toward joy. But, I am not going into this blindly. I realize that the journey toward joy is one that may be fraught with sorrow. Sorrow and joy kind of go hand in hand. We really want the joy - but who wants the sorrow?

Isaiah 51:11 The ransomed of the LORD will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away.

God's word promises us that sorrow and sighing will flee away. We will overcome the sorrow and sighing of this time when the Lord returns. It may be hard now though when the sorrow weighs so heavily upon us. This is when I believe that God wants us to trust Him and choose joy. This is where faith comes in. This is where despite my circumstances I will choose joy. I will continue to set my sail and choose the path of joy. I will have faith in God because He has proven Himself to be trustworthy and faithful to me.

All of this reminds me of the song I sang when I was little. I taught this to my kids too. I wonder if it is sung very much any more. If not - let's bring it back! Get on the joy path!

I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart
where?
down in my heart
where?
down in my heart.
I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart
down in my heart to stay!!!

I Choose Joy

2008-05-28T12:48:00.002-04:00

Psalm 65:8

Those living far away fear your wonders; where morning dawns and evening fades you call forth songs of joy.

I have been thinking a lot about joy lately. It is so discouraging at times with all the bad news in the world to truly be happy. Yet, joy and happiness are not synonymous. To me happiness is a state of emotion and is very dependent on what is going on in my world at that point in time. Joy though is a state of being. I choose to be joyful regardless of my circumstances.

Paul in Philippians discusses his circumstances and the fact that he was hard pressed to decide which was better – to be present in this world or to be present with the Lord. He counted it all joy even though at the time he was imprisoned. I don’t think Paul even thought about his circumstances. I think all he thought about was demonstrating the joy that comes from knowing Christ. Joy doesn’t come from us – it comes from Christ living in us and the desire to serve Him in the furtherance of His kingdom.

Joy then can be a constant. It does not come and go like happiness. If we are truly faithful about our walk with God and we press on regardless of our temporal circumstances – we can know true joy. But, what happens when we are not faithful?

When I have been unfaithful to God a dry spirit indwells me. Nothing brings that wellspring within me that causes a song to break forth in the morning. But, our God, the Father of all joy, loved me enough to forgive my unfaithfulness and set my feet aright on the path once again. The confession of sin and the repentance that followed allowed the Spirit of God to bring a song of joy to my heart again. Praise His faithfulness.

My name, Carol, means “song of joy”. When my parents named me that, I doubt that they knew its meaning. But, as I ponder it, I think that God has used my name to remind me of His faithfulness to me. I too can be a song of joy because of His great love toward me. May I truly walk in faithfulness and abound in His goodness and joy as I seek to serve Him.

Forgiveness

2008-05-21T21:38:00.002-04:00

"Whenever you are in a critical temper, it is impossible to enter into communion with God." Oswald Chambers

Lately, I have been pondering forgiveness and what it means to me and also what it costs. Obviously, as a Christian I am very grateful for God's forgiveness. Without it, I would be lost eternally and would never know what it means to walk in the light of my salvation. But, what about forgiveness from others? Or what about granting forgiveness?

There have been circumstances where I have done or said things which have brought harm and pain to others. It is a very humbling and sometimes frightening prospect to approach asking for their forgiveness but I believe it is actually easier at times than forgiving someone else.

I have harbored deep inside of my heart a very deep-seeded anger and woundedness toward someone for many years. This anger has seeped into my every day life and at times even invades my dreams. It causes me to fall short of the meaningful relationship with my Father that I long for. He wants me to be able to open my hands and let it go. Forgive. And get beyond it.

This will require letting go of a big crutch that I have held for so long. I mean after all if I hold onto my anger I can excuse my behavior. I can fall back on what has become a comfortable old friend. But, this old friend is really a snake in the grass. It consumes me with the poison that it inflicts with each biting criticism or nasty thought that I allow.

How can I who deserves no mercy, no forgiveness, no acceptance by the God of heaven be unwilling to forgive? Oh God, forgive me for my hard heart. Forgive me for my critical spirit that has blocked my communion with you. Please help me to let go of the anger and hurt of the past and realize that this is a new season. A new start. A new life that you have given to me. I do not want to wallow in the pain of the past any longer. You know the one that this is pointed to. And I pray that your hand of blessing would rest upon him and that his life would be one of purpose.

Forgive me and fill me with the joy of knowing that your Spirit lives within me and brings me to the place where I can surrender the pain of the past and move to the place of quiet joy that You alone can give.

A New Start

2008-05-14T19:54:00.002-04:00

I have been reading a really interesting and thought provoking book called Downpour by James MacDonald. This book is a study in what it means to really know the outpouring of the Holy Spirit in our lives so that we can know continual revival.

How thirsty I am for this type of life. I have lived for so long in the desert of my faith. But, I have been really working through a lot of what I believe has been the problem with moving into a victorious life. I believe that I had grieved the Holy Spirit because my life was not what God would have had for me. And I quenched the Spirit by being disobedient to what He wanted me to do. So for many years, I have wandered about in this dry and arid desert.

But, I have come face-to-face with what I have done. I have confessed all that I know that I have done that grieved the Spirit. And I am praying for the strength to do all that He leads me to in order to not quench the Spirit. I believe that this is a new beginning for me. I am overwhelmed with the grace of God. When I stop to think of the pit that I lived in for such a long time and how He through His mercy brought me back to His side - I am in total awe. How good God is. And how holy. May I never lose sight of that.

This morning as I was reading in Joshua, chapter 23 the 2-1/2 tribes that went back across the Jordan built a large altar upon their return. The tribes on the western side saw this and immediately jumped to the conclusion that their brothers were going to offer sacrifices in a place other than where the Ark was. They were ready to wage war. But.... the truth was - the 2-1/2 tribes were building something to remind them of all that God had done in their lives.

I am determined to build a marker for this time in my life. I want to have a place where I can go to remind myself of where I was and where I have been and start a new beginning. I want to go back to that place now and again to remember God's holiness, His mercy and His love. Perhaps it will be a memorial that someday I will share with my kids to show them and help them to see how big and how great is our God.

My picture above was from when I was a little girl. Innocent and untouched by the sin of this world. I will never again be that little girl. But, I can start anew and fresh and walk as a child with the Holy Spirit as my guide. I have learned a lot and I have grown a lot. And I now know my greatest desire is to walk hand-in-hand with my Lord.

A Pretty Precious Person

2008-05-07T20:07:00.003-04:00

Based on the fact that Mother's Day is just around the corner I thought that I would put a poem out that I wrote for my Mom about 5 years ago. This was before my Dad passed away. Mom has weathered a lot over the years and still continues to be the glue that holds the Weimer kids together. I thank God for her faithfulness to Him, to our Dad and to we kids. We have been blessed! I love you dearly, Mom!

A Tribute to My Mom
Mother’s Day 5/11/2003

Can you picture her there?
Can you see where she is?
Can you remember her touch?
Can you feel the love that she gives?

At home in the valley
At the place where she’s been
Our mother, our confidant
Our encourager, our friend.

She has had to be strong
When the times grew tough.
She always found a way to share
Even when there wasn’t enough.

In my mind I can see her
All the memories we’ve made.
In my heart I can feel her
And the patterns she’s laid.

She brought us to life
And nurtured us so.
Her prayers and her love
With each of us go.

A woman of strength, a woman of faith
A woman I cherish now and always.

I am more like a Hummingbird

2008-04-28T11:21:00.003-04:00

One of my favorite songs from years gone by is "His eye is on the sparrow". I remember when I was a little girl in our small country church that the pastor asked me to sing that in a Sunday evening service. The tender words of that song have given me comfort over the years.

Scripture mentions the sparrow several times. For example Luke 12:7 says "Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Wow, talk about detail. God loves me enough to count the number of hairs on my head. And He loves me more than many sparrows. But, really now - sparrows? We don't see them as worth much when we consider birds. God is not one though to be charmed by the allure of the fancy birds like the peacocks or the know it all birds like the owl or even the soaring birds like the eagle. He compares his love for us to the common bird. In Matthew 12:29 the Bible states "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father." Every movement, every detail of the life of the sparrow is controlled by the Father.

So I thought about this analogy. Am I a sparrow? Sparrows are little birds that seem to be at ease wherever they land. They don't seem too bothered by the noise and distractions of things around them. As long as there is food and shelter the little sparrow remains comfortable and happy. But, that doesn't really define me. I am more like the hummingbird. I dart in and out - never landing for more than an instant. Busily trying to get ahead, find answers and seek something to fill this aching hole in my heart. I never pause long enough to grasp the situation. To take it all in and determine if I need to stay longer or move on. Restless. Always looking for the next place to find the sweetness of life.

You know what though? Hummingbirds tire easily. They beat their little wings so rapidly to move their bodies from place to place. They get burned out and die. The sparrows on the other hand pace themselves. They know that they can get and receive all that they need from the hand of the Father. So, I have decided to retire my hummingbird wings and become a sparrow. If my Father cares for me so much to know the very number of the hairs of my head and if He cares enough to know that the tiny sparrow has fallen then surely I do not need to be driven by the need to flit from answer to answer. He is all I need. He is the Answer.

Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Refrain

I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

Verse 2

"Let not your heart be troubled," His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Verse 3

Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

My Lilies

2008-04-23T20:14:00.003-04:00

This past winter while shopping at our local Target store I came across this sale item. It was a nice green pot complete with soil and 3 lily bulbs. I have always enjoyed lilies and I knew that they are my daughter's favorite flowers. So I said to myself - why not. The price was good and even if the lilies didn't pan out - I would have a nice pot.

So I brought them home and for a while the pot just sat in the bag waiting patiently for me to get busy and plant the bulbs. Finally, one night I decided it was time to put the dirt in the pot and get those bulbs planted. Following the directions I dutifully did all that was required to get them on their way. Finished with the planting, I placed the pot in our kitchen bay window and began the process of waiting.

Literally weeks went by before even the faintest hint of two of the bulbs came up. Curious, I looked to see what had happened to the third one. So I dug it up. Here I had planted it upside down. The lily was trying to push its way up when it was actually pushing its way nowhere but to the bottom. I flipped the bulb right side up and put its very weak stem up toward the light and wondered if it would ever bear a flower.

Each day the stems of the two big plants grew higher and taller and they began to get tiny little pods on them that I hoped would become beautiful lilies. I tenderly cared for them but some of the pods dropped off and I began to think that maybe all I would get was a lot of foliage and no flowers. The third little plant valiantly kept growing - but never was as big as the other two. Yet - I saw a pod develop that actually looked healthier than the ones of the other two.

About a week ago the first lily bloomed. Glorious. Its smell permeates the kitchen. Then two more. And the littlest lily - the one that was growing the wrong direction is soon ready to burst forth with a grand blossom!

Isn't it amazing how God uses nature to teach us lessons? Even as I write this I think about how I am like that little lily. I tried to grow - and I gave it my best shot - but I was growing the wrong direction. Heading down wrong paths. Intentions were good - but the progress went awry somehow. But, the master Gardener found me. Saw me in that pot and righted me. Oh I may not be caught up to some of the other plants in the garden but I am pointing toward the true Light. My buds are maturing and growing fatter and richer with each day of Sonlight and food from the Bread of Life and water from the well that will never run dry. In time, with the Master's care, I will blossom. I will have a lovely aroma to share with those that come around me. Not an aroma of my own making, but one of the fragrances that come from the garden of God.

Shattered

2008-04-22T08:58:00.004-04:00

Pieces of me scattered here and there
The little girl cries for the life that once was.
Torn and riddled by the pain of my sin
The woman cries for the life that now is.

Is there hope in the rays that fall on each piece?
Will the little girl find what she sought for so long?
Is there peace in the grace that extends from above?
Will the woman find what she searches for now?

Are you there, God in the broken pieces?
Can you kiss the hurt and hear my cry?
Will you meet me in the depths of my heart?
And heal me from my silent pain?

I need You now to hear my cries
From the depths of a childlike heart
I need You now to feel my hurt
As my heart is torn a part.

I Want to be the Tree

2008-04-20T19:20:00.004-04:00

Psalm 1
1 Blessed is the man
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers.
2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.

3 He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers.

4 Not so the wicked!
They are like chaff
that the wind blows away.

5 Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.

6 For the LORD watches over the way of the righteous,
but the way of the wicked will perish.

Psalm 1 has always been one of my favorite Psalms. As a small child I can remember sitting in church memorizing it to pass the time. Those words have stuck with me for all these years and still have a tremendous impact on me each time I read them or meditate on them.

Perhaps it is why I have always enjoyed the spring. The coming to life of the trees that surround me is breath-taking. What glorious colors splash the once drab winter weary land. The budding fruit trees with their promise of fruit yet to come surround me and remind me of the truths of this psalm.

What difference it makes when a tree is planted by a source of water. The leaves are healthy, the fruit abounds and the limbs spread wider and higher with each passing year. On the other hand the tree that lacks nourishment withers and fades away. Leaves drop prematurely to the ground and in time the branches break off and the tree dies.

The Christian who cherishes the Word of God, who yearns for its truths and pants to know more of God will flourish. Prosper. Grow. Fruit will be abundant and satisfying. On the other hand those who try to go through life without drawing their strength from the strength-giver will fall by the wayside. They will be blown away like the chaff or will be like the tree that does not have any life.

I want to be the tree. I want to be the tree that is planted by the life giving waters. I want the fruit of my life to be in abundance. How great is the gift of the Word that I can grow to know the God I love in a more intimate and deep way. My heart yearns for Him and to know Him.

There is no other source of life, no other source of strength, no other source of salvation than through the living Word that teaches us of the saving grace of the Lord Jesus Christ. What distractions keep me from growing deeper into the Word? I pray that God will reveal them to me and I will be willing to lay them aside.

May I see fruit in my life as my roots go deeper into His Word.

Transplanted and Grafted In

2008-04-15T19:36:00.003-04:00

My cousin, Bill went out one cool spring evening last year to get me some home grown lilacs and as an added bonus he found a forsythia. Now you have to know that anything that comes from "up home" has got to be better than anything that is grown around here. So I came back from McKean County with a bucket of 3 little bushes and my husband planted them in our back yard. We lovingly cared for them through their first summer, fall and winter. As the winter snow melted away I anxiously went out to see whether there was any life in the tiny plants. Sure enough, the forsythia, just like its older and much more mature neighbor across the alley was ready to bud. And my tiny lilacs are filled with lovely leaves and there is a promise of lilac blossoms yet to come. I guess that even the move to Cumberland County could not kill these hardy plants.

As I was thinking about this entry tonight I was thinking about how these plants represent a lot about me. I know what it is like to be transplanted and by God's grace I know what it is like to be grafted in.

Romans 11:17-18 "If some of the branches have been broken off, and you, though a wild olive shoot, have been grafted in among the others and now share in the nourishing sap from the olive root, do not boast over those branches. If you do, consider this: You do not support the root, but the root supports you."

When Paul penned this he was discussing how the Jews had broken off from the olive root (Christ) and that Gentiles were grafted in among the Jewish believers and are now receiving the nourishment from the root. How awesome it is to realize that we are able to be moved from one place to another - transplanted from the world of death and sin to the eternal home of our Father because we are grafted into the root that supports us.

I am so blessed when I stop and think about the wonder of my salvation. God provided the way for me to be grafted into His family. I live by the nourishment that is supplied by the Word and by the Spirit. God in His love has continued to prune and to shape me into a beautiful branch. I pray that I will be able to flower and to bear fruit that others may know by my fruit that I belong to the root.

Transplanted into the Kingdom of Light and Grafted into the Family of God!

Sunflowers, Love and a Stone

2008-04-11T14:30:00.003-04:00

Little did my friend, Diane know her gift would become the subject of one of my entries. Knowing me as she does, she knows that sunflowers are my absolute favorite flower. They represent all that is cheerful and good about creation to me. They shoot up through the soil as tiny plants that can grow to great heights all in pursuit of one fundamental thing - the sun. They turn their beautiful faces toward the sunlight and when evening comes they cast their look down. It is as if they know in the light there is joy and in darkness there is sorrow.

It was interesting to me when she gave me this gift that the one lone sunflower was coming up out of a stone. And that stone had etched on its front the word "love". Now, I must say that this friend of mine has been an agent of God's love department for many, many years. She has been with me through the happy times and the not so happy times and never once did she give up on me. She prayed, she called, she sought me out when I went into hiding. All of this because she represented her Savior to me. And out of that love a little hope was renewed.

You see, my heart had become like a stone. Believe me when I say that the scripture is true when it speaks of our hearts being like stone. Because of my constant living in the pit (see yesterday) I became hard to the things of the Spirit. In fact, there were so many times when I totally rebelled and went contrary to what I knew in my heart was right to do that soon I became absolutely hardened to the voice of the Spirit. My heart was hard and there did not seem to be any hope of returning back to the Lord I loved.

But, there was love. Love of a friend, love of a faithful mother, love of sisters and brother and love of my children. Most of all - there was the love of a Savior who would not give up on me. Who loved me enough to die for me and loved me enough to rescue me from the pit. This Jesus, who bore my sorrow, who paid my penalty, who died an agonizing death for me loved me that much. Wow. That's all I can say.

Slowly, in the seemingly impermeable rock a tiny crack appeared. And into that crack a seed was planted. Oh that plant needed help. It needed some watering, thank you friends and family, it needed a fresh breeze, praise you Spirit of the living God and most of all it needed Sonshine, how I love You, Lord Jesus. The plant continues to grow and to pursue the warmth of the Son and to live in the Light. And yes, the plant knows that there will be times when the clouds come and block out the sun but the plant trusts in the coming of the new day when the sunshine will once again burst forth and the face of the flower will reflect the image of her maker.

Father, please hear my cry

2008-04-10T21:11:00.004-04:00

Psalm 28:1 "To you I call, O LORD my Rock; do not turn a deaf ear to me. For if you remain silent, I will be like those who have gone down to the pit."

I am the first one to admit - I have been a pit dweller. I have been reading a book by Beth Moore called "Get out of that Pit!" and it has been excellent for me. And I recognize that the pit has been my home for a long time and I am really tired of being there. Now of course, I have jumped in head first a few times, crawled my way out by my own will and fell right back in. It is a very wearying thing to be a pit dweller. There is not a whole lot of fresh air there and the light grows dimmer the deeper in I go.

After awhile you start to feel pretty much at home in the pit. I mean, I know every nook and cranny. I can count the number of steps from one side to the other and I know by feel every bump in the walls. After all in the pit life is pretty comfortable. You know your limitations and you grow accustomed to it. But, now and then there is this nagging suspicion that I am missing out on something and that the air must be cleaner and the light brighter outside of the pit.

Now and then I will half-heartedly call out from the pit and ask someone else to lend me a hand and lift me out. Try as they might these helpful, caring friends have been unable to get me past the lip of the pit before either I let go or they grew weary of the tug of war. I discovered each time that I fell back that I was actually further down in the pit.

So now after all of these years of being in the dank, dark, lonely environment that I have called home, I am calling out to God. I am asking Him to see me where I am and to lift me up where the fresh air of the Spirit and the light of the Son can help me to grow and flourish. I am weary of the confines of the pit and all the lies that have kept me down.

There is risk in being out of the pit. And that has been something that has trapped me in the past. How can it be risky to be out in the light and the fresh air? The answer to that is that one must live in the TRUTH. And so other pit dwellers may not want to know my truth or they may not accept my truth once they do know it. That is risky. Would I rather live in safety and live a lie or would I rather live in truth and learn to truly trust in the Father who loves me beyond what I could ask or think? I am crying out to God that He will lift me from the pit and help my unbelief.

Pit dwellers, especially those who put themselves in the pit, usually think that they are beyond the help of God. It's a pride thing. I mean after all my sin is pretty big, pretty deep and how in the world could God ever forgive me? I have come to realize that my idol that I have bowed down to all these years has been my own foolish pride.

Father, forgive me. See me for who I am and here my cry as I seek to be lifted out of the pit of my own making. Set me on the rock that is higher than I. I pray that Your Spirit will fill my life with the fresh air of Your love. Help me to seek Your truth because in Your truth there is perfect freedom. Freedom to serve You and love You as I so long to do. Crush the enemy that seeks to keep me in the confines of the pit. Help me to see through the Truth of Your word all of his schemes. When I am confronted with temptation help me to choose the good path, the ancient way. I long to live in the freedom that serving You can bring.

Amen - thank You for hearing my cry.

Saying Goodbye to the Past

2008-04-05T19:39:00.000-04:00

You know sometimes I hang onto stuff for just way too long. I have things that I got when I was in high school stuffed away in boxes. I have old love letters from boyfriends that no longer even know I am alive. I have cards and pictures and momentos from trips to far off places. And no one looks at them. They just clutter up my life. So why do I hold onto them?

It seems that the past has always had a hold on me. Until recently. Now it seems that I want to purge my life of all the clutter and at the same time say goodbye to some of the memories that have haunted me for way too long.

Having things around that bring back thoughts of long ago days can be good or they can be destructive. It is the destructive memories that I am determined to eliminate. They have been like an anchor around my neck that has kept me mired down in the pit. My house as well as my mind needs to be cleaned out. Swept clean and filled with thoughts of what is good and lovely and positive.

I am committed to placing all of that stuff out of my life. It has cluttered for its last days. The sentiments that were attached to those objects - objects that represented a relationship that was poison to my soul are soon going to be gone. The poision has been replaced with the healing love of my Father. I am searching and finding all that I need in the arms of the One who loves me completely and without any strings.

The past represents what was. Lessons to be learned. Wisdom to be gained. I am grateful that in His mercy God has allowed me to see growth in my spirit. I am looking forward now to what is and what will be rather than reliving the past that brought me such sorrow.

Goodbye.

At the Crossroads

2008-04-02T19:31:00.001-04:00

I have found the Internet to be a tremendous blessing and a source of a great deal of good information. Following my Monday night counseling session I was challenged about the concept of "Listening Prayer". Since this idea was somewhat new to me I decided to come home and go out on the Internet looking for information about this. Along the way, I came across a verse of scripture in someone's post that really touched my heart. And this verse is the subject of my blog entry today.

"This is what the Lord says: Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls. But you said, We will not walk in it." Jeremiah 6:16

Interestingly enough the person whose blog I read did not put the last sentence into her post. It was only as I was going out to find the exact verse for my writing that I saw it. Again, God is so good.

I am at the crossroads. I have been going through a tremendous journey the last six months. I have discovered many things about myself that I did not know - or perhaps was unwilling to recognize. I have discovered that I have a very prideful heart. Even in my sorrow over my sin, I have been proud. Too proud to accept that the God I love could love me. I have found that I am an idolater. I have placed other gods before God. I have realized that I have been and continue to be in bondage with addictions that wreck havoc on my physical body.

Now, some may see this as very discouraging. But, I don't. I am thrilled. God has been using this time to reveal to me that He desires to be my all in all. He desires to love me out of the bondage that I am in. He desires to break down the strongholds that have held me fast. And so this verse is so appropriate.

So here it is. The verse says that I am to ask for the ancient path. And so I am praying that God will reveal that to me. I always loved the thought that God was the Ancient of Days. The ancient path then must lead to Him. We are also to ask for the good path. How like God to remind me through the prophet Jeremiah that I am to ask for the good path. He knows that I have absolutely NO problem finding the wrong path. And so I am praying that God will direct me to the good path.

And so, I am praying and listening. And I am determined to walk in the good path. I know that I may be walking alone. I may not have any human company. But, that is okay. I believe that God is teaching me that I must find my peace in Him and that I must be continually plugged into Him and not be fretting about who or who doesn't walk with me. He promises that I will find rest for my soul. Oh how blessed that would be. I have been striving for so long. And I am so terribly weary. I need rest for my soul. How much does the Father love me that He gave this verse to me at this time.

Sadly, the verse doesn't end there. Obviously, the audience that Jeremiah was sharing with did not take the counsel. They chose to not walk in the good way. They chose not to ask for the ancient path. They chose not to have rest for their weary souls. Lest I seem judgemental I know how easy this is to have happen. I have been headstrong in my life. I have chosen time and again the wrong path - the sinful path that led to destruction.

Oh God, Ancient of Days
I long to walk in your good path
My soul is weary and longs for peace

Oh God, Everlasting One
I ask for your Ancient path
At the crossroad I stand

Oh God, Omniscient One
You see my heart
Guide me to chose the right way

Oh God, Omnipotent One
You know my weakness
Strengthen me with Your power

Oh God, Omnipresent One
You surround me on every side
Guard my heart and mind

How gracious and good you are.

I want to be a Blooming Tree

2008-03-27T16:04:00.001-04:00

I love spring! It is truly my favorite season of the year. I love the tiny little buds that are ready to blossom with all kinds of flowers and fruit. I keep peeking at my lilacs to see when they are going to burst open with that aroma that makes me think of all that is beautiful in the world.

This past week has been one of a lot of circumspection. God has revealed to me through circumstances that I have allowed myself to be a tree rooted in unfertile soil. All of these years I have lived in a very shallow soil of my Christianity. The roots in their attempt to find nourishment went to places of fast growth. Just like everything that grows fast - it dies fast. The blossoms may come out but they will be shriveled and the fruit will be pitted and small. The type of fruit of this type of tree are jealousy, self-centeredness, co-dependency and pride. It is not a very beautiful tree - in fact, it is a tree that is very deceptive. At first blush it looks normal but the closer you get to it the more you see the shallowness and the emptiness of the growth.

So, I prayed. And I asked God to reveal in me what I must change in order to be a blooming tree. Not just any blooming tree but a gorgeous, full and overflowing tree. One that takes His breath away. That is what I want. That is my heart's desire. He has shared with me through His Word that I must find my roots deeply penetrating the soil of His word. I must water the roots with obedience and I must seek the light of His Son. I can not allow my roots to seek fast growth. I must take growth in a steady forward way. I do not need to seek out fertilizer from the world. I must be fertilized only by the Holy Spirit.

And so, I must dig up the old tree. Find all the old roots and dig them up and burn them. And when those little tiny sprouts come back up - I need to deal with them quickly so that do not take root and grow.

I want to be a Blooming Tree and have His life lived deep in me. I want the light of His love to blossom on every branch and the fruit that grows to be that of joy, peace, faith and long suffering. I want most of all that the Blooming Tree would be a tree of love. His love.

Fragile Beauty

2008-03-23T20:37:00.001-04:00

Walking along a wooded stream I came across this limb hanging above the waterfall. The ice had collected on the branches and formed the most intricate pattern of ice. As the water would spray up onto the branch another bead of water would adhere to the ice and it would drip down the form until it too became a part of the whole.

The brisk chill in the air kept the ice from melting and allowed the beautiful image to grow and take on its unique shape. Even the warmth of the infant spring sun was not warm enough to keep the water from freezing. It was breathtaking. And in a brief moment - with the coming of spring - the fragile beauty will be gone.

I spent a great deal of time this Easter weekend thinking about the fragile nature of life. Our lives are like this fragile image. We live for such a brief time and are gone. We live as a part of the whole of humanity until the time of our passing. And yet, each individual life is uniquely different from the rest.

How great is our God. He knew that we need to be a part of a whole. Yet, He created us as individuals, each with our own unique aspects. He provided the community where we can thrive and grow and yet He knows that even while we are a part of it - we are individuals.

As the ice form melts it melts away one droplet at a time. Each individual part leaving the whole. Each individual part standing on its own. But God knows the makeup, the frame, of each one. How great is His design. He made us to be individuals who long to be a part of something greater than ourselves. He wants us to be a part of Him. He wants us to adhere to Him and to never melt away. The conditions are always right. We can stay close to Him and to become one with our Father. Our identity can be joined to His. The fragile beauty of God's love for us pulls us closer to the designer's heart.

Ever need a hand?

2008-03-17T20:45:00.000-04:00

You know sometimes it would really be nice if God had a human hand there to help pull us up over the bumps in the road. Haven't you ever had those moments where you just feel yourself sliding backwards and you reach out and it feels as though no one is there? I sure have. And now and then I have to admit I get frustrated.

God at times seems so far away. Yet, I know that in the realities of life He is using these bumps in my life to help me to grow. After all if there were no trials, if life were all pie in the sky would I even reach out for Him? There are times though where it sure would feel nice if God had some "skin".

I feel really alone at times. There are situations that I have no one to run to who can really hear my heart. And when I pray sometimes I wonder if God is even really listening. Where is that coming from? Obviously, Satan wants to continue to plant seeds of doubt into my mind and to keep me from reaching out for the Invisible one.

Romans 8 has been a favorite resource of mine over the years. And especially now as I have an extremely difficult family situation to deal with. I know that in the past I have tried to always be the one to fix things. If only I worked harder or if I could persuade someone to do something my way it would work out. Yet, I am learning that God wants me to trust in Him. Completely. Not to wallow in the past where all the disappointment and heartache is but to truly rest in His sovereign will knowing that He has my best, our best at heart all the time. I can be a conquerer. But it is only as I put my complete faith and trust in Him and to reach out and grab ahold of His hand. Yes, I really need a hand. I need the hand of the one who has continually been there to guide, to forgive, to admonish and to love. Now I will simply put my hand in His and walk.

Romans 8:37-39: But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Stand still and look until you really see

2008-03-16T18:05:00.000-04:00

Hosanna! Hosanna in the Highest! Loud the crowd sang as the man from Galilee entered Jerusalem on the back of a borrowed donkey. Hosanna! Hosanna in the Highest! Loud the crowds sang in churches around the globe as we celebrate the entrance of our Lord and Savior. We sing joyfully with great jubilation the triumph of the King of Kings. We wave our fronds symbolically to commemorate what took place so many years ago.

But, as I watched and participated in the often repeated symbolism I stopped to think about what it was they were celebrating and what I was celebrating today.

Our pastor used as his introduction to his message the quotation I used for the title of this post. "Stand still and look until you really see." And as I listened, reflected, sang and prayed I thought how often have I really done that. How often did those villagers on the road to Jerusalem stop to really look at who Jesus was. How often have I?

What must it have been like to have walked with Jesus? To have heard the sound of His voice as He taught His disciples and followers? What would it have been like to have felt His gaze upon you, as Peter did? Did they see Him or did they only see what they thought they could gain by knowing Him? If they really saw Jesus for who He said that He was and heard Him wouldn't they have stood by Him as He later hung on the cross of Calvary, bearing their sin and judgment upon Himself? Instead, they turned into the jeering crowd that condemned Him to His fate.

Lest I sound as though I am judging them harshly I look at my own life. Have I stopped and really seen Jesus for Who He is not just for what I could gain from knowing Him? Am I really ready to stand by Him as crucified with Him? Am I willing to follow Him to the death if necessary? Am I truly willing to stand still and see? What if it costs me everything?

Lord Jesus, the pain of knowing I have been as the crowd in Jerusalem sears my heart today. I know that I too have longed for what You could do for me - answered prayers - ease of life - health restored. And I have been disappointed, even angry at the times when You chose not to answer as I asked. I pray that I would stand still and look until I really see You for Who you are. And that I might be an imitator of You. I pray that I can join You in Your suffering. I pray that I can see Your people as You see them and that my heart would be broken as Yours is broken when I see the pain of those who do not know You. Teach me to see more and to speak less. Teach me to stand still more and be moving less. How I pray that I will follow You as You lead and no longer turn to the right or the left. You are my God and I will forever praise You.

Hosanna, Hosanna in the Highest! Crown Him with many Crowns! Hosanna Yeshua!

What a Hole - Can it be filled?

2008-03-03T21:14:00.000-05:00

Okay, so you say - what can possibly be said about a hole in the ground that would have eternal signifance? Well, I have been pondering this for a couple of days and really feel that this hole (or one like it) demonstrates a lot about our walk with the Lord.

When someone decides to dig a hole it is usually with the intent of filling it up with something else. The dirt is taken out and some object whether solid or liquid generally gets placed into the hole and then whatever soil is needed is placed on top until the ground is leveled again.

Sometimes holes can be caused by a shifting of the earth such as a pothole. Shifting ground or pressure from above can cause the hole to appear without ever having seen a shovel. The hole is there waiting for something to fill it up.

Often an animal of some burrowing type will dig away at the ground, making a home for themselves. They don't even bother to cover it up when they vacate it. Perhaps they intend to come back at some point or they may be setting it up for the next lonely traveler to find rest. Again, the hole is there waiting for something to fill it.

Unlike all of the examples above though, we are born with a hole. This hole is the deep yearning for someone greater than ourselves. From the very earliest moments of our lives we long to be "filled up" with that which would satisfy that gaping hole. We fill ourselves with food and drink, relationships, riches and sometimes even religion in a vain attempt to fill the hole of our spirit. All the while God is waiting patiently to bring filling to our spirit by the presence of the Holy Spirit within our lives.

And so, when we come to faith in Jesus Christ, our hole becomes filled with the Spirit. The Spirit seeks to fill the emptiness of our lives with His love, His grace and His wisdom. But, we at times try to shovel in a lot of the dirt of the world and we displace Him from the hole. Not that He is ever gone, He just seems to be pushed aside while we place other objects that we feel will fill us. And as we continue to shovel in all this muck the emptiness grows greater and greater - until finally we have had enough. We pray and ask for the filling of the Holy Spirit. The hole once again is filled to the brim and often times - if we just allow His lordship we will feel the hole over flow with His goodness.

How foolish we are when we try and fill the hole of our lives with things that cannot satisfy. Instead, we should seek out the One who satisfies, the One who completes and the One who longs to fill us completely with His love. As we read His word another shovel full of "spirit ground" goes into the hole and we sense His filling. As we pray we feel the gap close in as we grow closer and closer to the One who brings us completeness. As we in faith stand back and allow the Master to fill us with His love, His healing, His discipline, His peace we find that our ground is becoming more and more level. The walking gets easier as we smooth out the rough spots along the way.

Oh, there will be times as we go along life's path that the hole will need to be resurfaced, but it is so much better if we maintain that filling with that which truly satisfies then to wait until the hole has grown to the point of needing a major excavation and repair.

Oh Lord, thank you that the hole can be filled. And most of all thank you for wanting to fill it. May my spirit always be willing to be filled with your Spirit.

A Sweet Smelling Aroma

2008-02-24T13:34:00.000-05:00

This past week my journey through the Scriptures has situated me in the book of Exodus. Sometimes, I have to admit reading through some of the Old Testament can leave me unmoved, unchanged. But, I have been challenged this time by the truths that God allowed me to see through the travels of the Israelites following their exodus from Egypt.

Here they were recipients of God's provision for their very lives. He saw them safely through the Red Sea as the army of Pharoah were in hot pursuit. He listened to their complaints in the desert when they cried out for food and water. He provided direction for them by day and night. He gave human leadership to guide them in the paths that they were to go. And yet, when they did not see Moses return from the mountain quickly enough, they turned their face away from God and pressured Aaron to create a golden calf that they bowed down in worship to.

God in His righteous anger expressed to Moses that He would destroy the Israelites and make of Moses a great nation. But, Moses pled their case and reminded God that by destroying the wandering host He would be mocked by the world around them. God relented to His desire to destroy them.

Over and over again, the Israelites would fall away in their sin and God would provide a way for them to atone for their wrong-doing. The sweet aroma of sacrifice is spoken about throughout the Old Testament. The very fragrance of penitent hearts seeking forgiveness would reach His nostrils. God in His great love forgave.

How like the Israelites I can be. It seems that I wander about unable at times to see the direction of the Lord or perhaps unwilling to yield to His Will. There are moments where I complain and question His goodness. In fact, whole years have passed where I turned my back on Him and choose to follow idols that brought nothing but death and destruction.

Only because of His great compassion and love for me am I still walking this earth. I have done nothing to deserve His goodness. But, I praise Him for the mercy that He continues to pour out on me. He has made me a sweet smelling aroma. On the altar of forgiveness through the blood of His Son, Jesus Christ, I stand redeemed. The Lord has poured on me the aroma of His love. He has poured on me the aroma of justification. And He has redeemed me from the penalty of my sin by the sweet fragrance of His sacrifice. God, the Father breathes the sweet smelling aroma of my repentant heart and grants me forgiveness.

Oh God, how I long to be an aroma poured out and spent for You. May others who come around me know Your great love through the fragrance that comes from a life that is free from sin and shame because of Your unending mercy and grace.

Feeling Splintered

2008-02-18T20:57:00.001-05:00

Have you ever had that feeling that everything about your life is splintered? Little fragments of moments, weeks and years that once made up a life, now broken into shards? That is how I feel tonight.

Just this morning I was praying over the Scripture in Mark, "Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it." And as I read it I was reminded of how many times I have not denied myself - but I have followed the desire of the flesh. Each one of those instances caused a splinter. Some of the splinters remained deeply buried until I made a decision that I would walk in truth before God and others.

Now each splinter must be lanced, removed and the wound cleansed. That does not mean that there will not be scars. Some of the scars are deep and have penetrated into my very soul. Yet, Jesus said that we must deny ourselves and take up our cross. The cross that He asks us to take up is to surrender our will to His. But, if we truly do want to follow Him then the cross must be taken up and our own wills must be denied.

Oh Lord Jesus, as I have prayed in the past I pray all the more earnestly now - please guide me into the center of your Will. Teach me the path that I must take in order to live a life that is congruent. Take the splinters of my life and make of them an altar. An altar where I can pour out my life as an offering that is a sweet smelling fragrance to you.

"O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s a light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!"

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace."

Helen H. Lemmel

Which Way Lord?

2008-02-16T16:53:00.001-05:00

There are times where I just wish God would write in big, bold letters across the sky which way He intends me to go. Or perhaps an email sent with high importance. Or how about a special angel that steps in right at the point of decision - grabs my hand and leads me down the right path. But, it does not seem that He works that way. It seems that He wants me to trust that He has given me the direction and then that I walk in that way.

Recently, I have been struggling with a decision that impacts my work life. Through circumstances that are unimportant now I was convinced that I needed to seek out new employment. A casual comment by a friend led me to the Internet and the beginning of a job search. As each phase of the process unfolded I would petition the Lord for direction. If it were to be "stay where you are" then the door would close. If it were to be "move on" then the doors would continue to open. At each successive step the answer was "move on".

Now though as the time becomes closer to when I must make known my intention I have begun to waffle. Back and forth. Should I stay, should I go. I have talked to more people than I can count about the decision and with each counselor came a different perspective and I became more and more confused.

Today though I had opportunity to just draw near to the Lord and talk to Him. I sang my praises to Him and lifted my concerns up to Him. Finally, it came to me. "Carol, I have told you but, you continue to doubt that you have heard Me." That was the message. Simply put. "Do you trust Me?" Wow - was it really Him or was I just thinking it was. No, it really was Him. He reminded me of each step in this process. He reminded me of each request that I had made of Him for confirmation. And so I can come with confidence to the point of decision and know which way the Lord has directed my path.

And so, I press on. New challenges, new people, new perspective. The old will stand as a memorial of what was. Just as stones of remembrance were used in the Old Testament to signify when God answered prayers I will put this day down as a stone of remembrance. God has shown me that He does speak to me. He only asks me now if I will trust that I heard His voice.

Correction and Direction

2008-02-12T07:56:00.000-05:00

Psalm 23:4 - Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

How many times over the years have I read or listened to this familiar passage of scripture and the words just passed through my mind and heart without really taking root - until just the other day. I was caught off guard by the phrase "rod and staff". Two totally different tools - with two totally different uses. The rod as seen in scripture often was used as an implement of force. The staff on the other hand is an implement used by the shepherds to guide a wayward sheep back into the fold. The very crook of the staff allowed the shepherd to bring the sheep back by the neck if need be.

So David, the great shepherd of the Psalm noted that the rod and the staff comforted him. How so? How can the rod (correction) and the staff (direction) bring comfort? Ask most anyone and they will tell you that the rod was never something that they saw as comforting. Yet, when kept in view of its purpose - it does bring comfort. The rod was meant to teach through consequences the peril of decisions made. The rod was a teacher. Proverbs says that "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him." So then if we believe that God loves us does it not then make sense that the rod of correction would comfort us? I believe it to be so. The rod of correction is teaching me to become congruent with the will of God. To not have this correction would bring about destruction.

The staff as seen in scripture not only was a guide for the sheep but it also was used to lean on or to help in maintaining a sure footing while walking through the mountains and pasturelands. What a picture that is of the direction that comes from God. He is there willing and able to help guide us in the way that we should go and also there for us to lean on when our way becomes difficult or we become weary from our toil. What a comfort!

The rod and the staff - they do comfort me because I have seen them used mightily in my life as well as in the lives of others. While the way of the rod can be painful at times it is a symbol of God's unrelenting love as my Father. The staff demonstrates again and again His desire to lead me to the still waters that will restore my soul. I will ever seek to praise His goodness and mercy all the days of my life. Thank you Father.

My Mothers' Hands

2008-02-09T10:40:00.001-05:00

Recently, my family held an 85th birthday party for my mom. It was a great time to reconnect with my brother and sisters. Most importantly it gave me an opportunity to honor my mother in front of my family. Exodus 20:12 says "Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the LORD your God gives you." I realized that I had let that opportunity slip away before I had an opportunity to honor Dad. I guess as I grow older I realize just how fragile life is and how quickly we can lose our loved ones. I do not want to miss opportunities to honor those who have had an impact on my life.

As I was skimming through some of my poems that I have written over the years I came across this one. It came to me one time when I looked at my hands and realized that I was starting to take on the appearance of my mother's hands.

My Mothers' Hands

As I looked down and viewed my hands
What I saw with amazement was my Mothers' Hands

I wondered as I looked at the spots and the skin
Would these hands show the love of my Mothers' hands?

I thought of the labor, the pain and the toil
Would these hands work like my Mothers' hands?

I remembered the touch, the comfort and care
Would these hands show compassion like my Mothers' hands?

I pondered the skill, the diligence and pride
Would these hands be proficient like my Mothers' hands?

As I looked and viewed my own small hands
I prayed they would become more like my Mothers' hands.

My Mom is an inspiration to me. She has prayed me through some of the darkest times of my life. I honor her today for being a woman of prayer and faith. I honor her for demonstrating to those around her what it means to sacrifice for family. I honor her most of all for her love for the Father and her hearts desire to walk in His light.

Harassed and Helpless

2008-02-08T07:48:00.000-05:00

Matthew 9:36 "When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd."

Lately, it seems that due to my characteristic behaviors I find myself feeling just like the crowd that Matthew writes about in the verse above. I feel harassed and helpless. In my head I know that I need to lean on the Shepherd, listen to His voice and follow - but my heart at times leads me in the opposite way into dangerous areas of disobedience. Why is that?

I know that when we come to faith in Christ, we have the fullness of the Godhead indwelling us and that the Spirit takes up residence within us. But, we still continue to want our own way, make decisions a part from Him and at times totally walk opposite of the path that the Shepherd leads us on. This is frustrating to me. There are times where I just think "why can't I just walk as the Shepherd wants me to walk, why do I feel I have to go my own way?"

Last night I spent a lot of the wee hours of the morning thinking about this. It seems that despite all the lessons learned in the past I still struggle with the Lordship of Christ. I choose Him as Savior, but yielding to His Lordship is still an issue. I want to continue to keep my "fingers" in it. Full and complete release of control is very hard for me. And so I make choices that often times are not reflective of the fact that I am the embodiment of Christ here on earth.

Will I ever be surrendered completely? Perhaps that is the problem. Maybe I think that this is something that happens here on earth when in reality the total and complete surrender comes only when we are in heaven. The free will that God gave to us continues to war with the Lord over who is in control. It may be that the war can only be won one battle at a time. Perhaps I am not looking at this as I should. Perhaps I am thinking that complete victory is possible here.

As I was writing this a song came to mind from long ago days. We don't sing these songs much any more but the words are so appropriate for where I am at today. I pray that the words of this old hymn will become real to me today.

Savior, Like a Shepherd Lead Us
by William Bradbury

Savior, like a shepherd lead us
Much we need Thy tender care;
In Thy pleasant pastures feed us
For our use Thy folds prepare:

Blessed Jesus, Blessed Jesus
Thou has bought us, Thine we are;
Blessed Jesus, Blessed Jesus
Thou has bought us, Thine we are.

We are Thine; do Thou befriend us
Be the Guardian of our way;
Keep Thy flock, from sin defend us
Seek us when we go astray:

Blessed Jesus, Blessed Jesus
Hear Thy children when we pray;
Blessed Jesus, Blessed Jesus
Hear Thy children when we pray

Early let us seek Thy favor;
Early let us do Thy will;
Blessed Lord and only Savior
With thy love our bosoms fill:

Blessed Jesus, Blessed Jesus
Thou hast loved us, love us still;
Blessed Jesus, Blessed Jesus
Thou hast loved us, love us still.

Amen and Amen. Blessed Jesus, love me still.

One Square at Friendly's

2008-02-01T17:53:00.000-05:00

This morning I spent a couple of spirit-led hours with my dear friend, Becky. I didn't know if we would be able to meet today because of the sleet that was falling when I woke up. But, we braved the elements and headed out.

For the first few minutes we caught up on the latest in the lives of our families but within a short time we got down to the subject at hand. What does it really mean to love God? How many times do you think that discussion takes place at your local restaurant?

On the table-top were a series of small squares of light tan. I began using those as points to our discussion. We talked of how our sin keeps us in a box that Satan uses to his advantage. We are bound by the condemnation that he whispers in our ear. Meanwhile, God is quietly calling to us to remember that He has said "Therefore there is now no condemnation to them that are in Christ Jesus." This led us to wonder why it is that we cannot trust ourselves when it comes to hearing the still small voice of our Father. Why is it that we can hear so clearly the voice of the oppressor, yet the lifegiver we at times refuse to believe we have heard. Is it because we feel we are not worthy of His voice? Or is it because it has just been safer to be in the box. After all, there is nothing really required of us when we live within the boundaries of the past. It becomes safe. It is easy to condemn ourselves for the failures of the past rather than to move past them. It is easier to be co-dependent on ourselves.

Now that was a new square in the discussion. I have suffered from co-dependent behavior most of my life. There has always been something that I have tried to use to fill the emptiness of my spirit. The co-dependency led to a long dry period in my life where I turned away from God and from a spirit-fed life because I felt let down. Why was it that God had allowed this to happen to me? He said that I was fearfully and wonderfully made. If that is so - why would He make me this way? I realized as I discussed this further with Becky that I have now transferred my co-dependent behavior from other people to a co-dependence on my own failures. As long as I muse through them, softly massaging the memories - I can remain in the box.

But, God brings us freedom. He shouts - Perfectly love casts out fear. Why do you want to be in that box that contains you - that keeps you from living the abundant life? Why are you fearful of being who I made you to be? Why are you afraid to share the freedom from sin that I have provided? Do you love me enough? This makes me think of how Jesus said to Peter, "Peter, do you love me?"

Father - my heart's desire is to be totally in love with You, to hear your voice as you whisper your love to me. I pray for the strength to move out of the boxes that I made and to live in the freedom that only You provide. Let me hear Your voice and teach me to hear it and to respond - trusting that I can hear You. Let my spirit be free from the co-dependence on my past. Help me to live in Your trust.

Bless you, Becky. Bless you for your faithfulness to me even when I ran away. Bless you for your fierce desire to live for God. Bless you for being willing to turn to the wolves and say "No, I will not abandon my Father." May God richly bless you for being His daughter and living your life as transparently as you can. May you continue to hear the voice of the Shepherd.

Soul Hunger

2008-01-28T21:05:00.000-05:00

Tonight as I typically do on Monday, I spent time with my counselor, Michael. It was good. Painful, but good. Interestingly enough about midway through the conversation he said, "Carol, you seem happy tonight." But by the end of the session I was in tears. Oh what trails we go down in our discussions.

Have you ever thought about what it means to hunger and thirst after righteousness? What is it that makes our soul hunger for the Lord? Why do we try and fill this emptiness with things that are temporal and fleeting? Do we not see that the temporary fixes of this world only lead us to more hunger and a greater thirst? And do we not see that this ravenous hunger is never fully quenched?

How is it that we can fool ourselves into believing that man's affection or admiration can fill what only God can fill? How can we think that food or drink, or the drug of choice can dull the pain of this empty void that only God can fill?

Jesus said that He is the bread of life. He told the woman at the well that He is the living water. That any who drink of Him would never thirst again. So why do we continue to seek out that which He supplies?

There is no greater longing that I have than to be loved unconditionally. I have sought this out in any manner of ways. Most have led to destruction and pain. Some have brought a temporary, earthly love, like that of a child for his mother. But, rather than allow myself to be fully loved by the Father and to be have my soul hunger fed, I have stumbled about in this world looking for what only He can supply.

How I long to seek Him passionately and to know the power of His love in my life. May I find my soul hunger fed by the one Who does love me for who I am in Him. I pray that I would stop seeking out what can only be found in the Truth. The Vine. The Bread of Life. May I continue to see Him clearly and to be drawn to His likeness as I seek Him.

Detached but Not Abandoned

2008-01-22T21:34:00.000-05:00

You know I am discovering that being a mom does not become easier as your kids get older - it becomes more difficult. That independence that we taught them to exhibit when they were young children is now a fact of life. They want to try new things, go places without us, make decisions without asking advice, marry someone, on and on it goes. And as a parent you just have to learn how to sit back and take it all in.

What a struggle this has been. I want to hold onto the little ones that I brought into the world. I want to have them come running to me when their hearts are broken, or they have a bad day, or they have something joyful to share. But, that does not happen much anymore. So I hurt.

But, as time goes by I am learning that God is prying yet another layer of co-dependence away from me. He is teaching me that I must detach from my kids. They must learn to live on their own, make their own choices and suffer the consequences or reap the rewards of their decisions. Detachment does not mean that I abandon them. It means that I untie the strings that bind and set my birds free. But oh I do hurt.

In this process though, I find myself running to my Father for the comfort that He has so longed to give to me. He is my constant friend - there to guide - there to love - there to encourage. Why has it taken so long for me to run to Him? Why did I fight this battle for so long?

A song by Point of Grace has really touched my heart of late. It is called "Broken Thing" The last part of the song says "You found beauty in this broken thing Made angels dance with wounded wings I can't imagine anything more beautiful. You took the damaged part of me Restored what little dignity was left inside Was left inside this broken thing. I know I'm not worthy of this Never ending perfect love." I am a broken thing. God is restoring my dignity slowly through experiencing the loss of all that was and is familiar. Bit by bit my love for Christ is overshadowing all of the pain of the past. I find my thoughts turn more to living in His presence than finding peace in this present moment.

Yes, I am learning to detach. But, I am not abandoned. My Father, who loves me unconditionally never has left my side.

The Only Blemish

2007-11-13T19:55:00.000-05:00

It has always been interesting to me about how we Christians express things. No wonder people who do not know the Lord question our beliefs. A case in point was today when a believing co-worker of mine shared with me that the only blemish a particular family had was the divorce between one of his siblings and their spouse. Now I don't know about you - but the term blemish has some very negative connotations to me.

While divorce is certainly not God's best for a family does God see it as a blemish on His family? When I think of a blemish it is something that detracts from the beauty of an object. Does the divorce between two people who love the Lord detract from the beauty of the family of God? Or can it demonstrate to the world that we too struggle with the issues of life? I believe it is the later.

Throughout scripture God allowed us to share in the lives of many of His saints who certainly could be seen as blemishes on the family of God. From the very beginning of time man has fallen short of God's best. Abraham lied about his wife Sarah being his sister in order to avoid the wrath of the Egyptian king. David lusted after another man's wife, slept with her and then killed the husband to cover his tracks. On and on the stories go. Why? Wouldn't you think that if God saw all of these activities as blemishes that He would not have exposed them to the readers of His word?

God allows this I believe in order for us to be able to compare what is perfect - God in His purity - and that which is not. Yet how does He see us? He sees us through the shed blood of His perfect Son, Jesus Christ. He sees us not as we are in our flesh but as we are though the Spirit of God. Because of our acceptance of the free gift of Salvation by Grace we no longer bear the blemishes of our sin. We wear the scars of our King.

Turn and Live

2007-11-11T15:08:00.000-05:00

Cast away from you all the transgressions which you have committed against me, and get yourselves a new heart and a new spirit! Why will you die, O house of Israel? For I have no pleasure in the death of any one, says the Lord GOD; so turn, and live. Ezekiel 18:31-32.

Why would we choose to die? Why indeed. I ask that question of myself periodically when I go back through the passages of time and see where I chose disobedience against the Will of God.
When I came across the verses in Ezekiel last week in my reading it struck me about God's heart. Note the last sentence where the inspired writer says that God has no pleasure in the death of any one. Any one. Not just the just but the unjust. Not just those that walk in the way but those that find themselves off the path. He loves them all. He takes no pleasure in their death.

So why then do we die spiritually? We die because we do not "Turn and live". We continue to follow the broad way that leads to destruction rather than making a turn and following the way that leads to God. In that we die.

What does it take to turn and live? For me it has meant coming to the place where I realized fully that the path I was on was leading me to not only physical death but more importantly to spiritual death. Yes, I was saved; but, I was dying spiritually in that I could not hear the voice of my Father. I heard only the voice of the one who would steal me away from the heart of God. Bit by bit my flame of passion for the things of God eroded away until I could no longer feel His presence.

Because of God's great love for me, He used the everyday situations of life and my family to show me how great was my need of Him. I could no longer walk in the "strength" of my own decisions. I had to come to the end of myself and realize that it was in my weakness that His strength could sustain me. The road became more and more lonely and dark until finally I was able to say enough.

In the past two months I have begun to see that the blessing of turning comes in knowing that I am walking toward the Light. I am walking closer to the Lover of my Soul. I am hearing the sweet sound of the Holy Spirit once again. New people have come into my life and have brought me great joy. And some of my friends from days gone by have returned. It is like a breath of clean air.

God loves us all the same. He sees our great need. He provided a means of salvation through the shed blood of His precious Son. All He asks of us is that we accept the free gift of grace and bow our knee to the Lordship of Christ. Turn and live - may you find your way back!

Quiet Waters

2007-11-08T20:48:00.000-05:00

This past weekend my two sisters, Connie and Judy, my niece, Alyson and my dear Mom spent a girls weekend together with me at our cabin. At one point my sisters and I went for a walk down by the creek that runs through the property. I remembered how it rushed through the woods in the early spring when the winter snows had melted and the rains have fallen. Now though after a long and dry summer and fall, the creek has all but gone dry. It quietly flows across the rocks with hardly a sound. The leaves fall into the water and drift through the bends and curves of the stream unable to stop their journey except if snagged by a limb or washed to dry ground.

I was thinking about this a lot as I looked at this picture. Like the spring, when my faith was new, I was like the rushing stream. Always loudly announcing my presence and rushing to the next bend in the flow. But as the years went by, like the dryness of summer, my faith grew dry and my voice quiet. What is the cause of that? When my faith was new it was when I was plugged into the Source. There was no contention for who was the center of my life. My beliefs and my behaviors were in response to living connected to the source of life. Unfortunately, I started to be less and less relient on God and more and more on myself or others to feed the stream of my faith. Over time the stream of faith became quieter and drier.

One thing that I noticed though in this stream is that the water is still continuously flowing. There is no break in it. The stream is still living and providing nourishment to those along the way that draw from it. That gave me hope. Just as the stream will be replenished when the next rain comes or the winter snow melts I too can be replenished by the refreshing rain that comes from the Father.

Where does that rain come from? He sends them through the blessings of my life. The Word of God - His love letter to me. I found a renewed passion for the Word. As each day begins I find myself drawn to linger longer and longer in His Word. The stream grows stronger. My family and friends. They encourage me and enable me to see the light through the darkness. The counsel of wise men and women - who share with me God's Word and guide me in the path that my life may take. The stream begins to flow and overwhelm its banks. It spills over into the lives and hearts of those that I come in contact with. I rejoice in the journey. Each bend in the path of the water confronts me with yet another way to trust and obey my Father. I pray that I will become more and more conformed to the image of the giver of Life.

God has been the stream in my desert. He has seen me through the driest, saddest part of my life. The flowers in the desert bloom as the life giving water awakens life within me.

Roots of Shame

2007-11-04T18:25:00.000-05:00

Interestingly, I have been thinking a lot lately about trees. Perhaps it is because it is a season of the year that I love. When the trees become "stars". Their bright foliage like bright lights that show off the grandeur of God's creation. For a brief time, they in their death - show off the brightness of life. Yes, I love trees. I love the ways that their roots can go deep into the earth to find the precious waters that bring growth and fruit. I love the shade that they provide and the coolness they bring in the heat of the summer. I love the way that they sway gently in the wind, their suppleness apparent by the fact that it take great and mighty gusts to topple them.

While I have been thinking of trees, I also have been thinking about shame. The roots of shame go deep. They wind their way through the years of memories, condemnation, judgement and pain. And they seek out the source of strength that comes from the brackish waters of satan's vile deceptions. The trees that bloom from the roots of shame are not beautiful. They do not contain the beautiful leaves or the shade that cools our face. They seek to hide us from the "sonlight" and to keep the gentle breeze of the Spirit from lifting us up out of the pit.

As long as Satan can continue to keep the roots of our shame fed - the tree will continue to grow - until it crowds out any of the beauty of growth that only God can give. This has been the lot of my life these past many years. But no longer. I am committed to starving out the roots of the tree of shame. I have been justified by Christ. I have been redeemed from the penalty of death by His grace. I no longer am bound by the sins that have kept me in shame for far too long.

The beauty of the tree - the beauty of the Tree of Life. All of these things are awakening in me a new reality that God desires for me, all of us that have come into His heavenly kingdom that we must not give in to the shame that sin causes. We must repent of our sin, turn from it and leave it at the cross. To take it up is to reject what Christ has done for us.

Praise you, Jesus. Praise you for being the Life Giver. May the roots of my life go deep to the sweet water of Your word that I may grow in the "Sonlight".

Living a Reba Life

2007-10-29T19:22:00.000-04:00

Recently I have found myself addicted to a sit-com that portrays a disfunctional family where the mom (played by Reba) continues to deal with the repercussions of her ex-husbands choices. She befriends (though not by her own choice) the "other" woman and deals with the high school pregnancy of her elder daughter and sweetheart. Through it all Reba maintains a strong position within the family and hides from all who see her the pain and rejection she must have felt.

Some may ask why I watch such silly drivel. I mean after all what woman would have the woman who wrecked her marriage in her home let alone be her best friend. Why would she continue to even interact with the man who wrecked havoc on the family that she had such pride in? But as I watch it I am always drawn to some of the parallels of my own life.

The "Reba Life" is one where she looks beyond what happened to her and tried to find a way to keep the spirit of the family alive. She worked hard at putting aside her own pain and focusing on managing the hopes and dreams of her children. Sometimes she even allowed herself the luxury of losing her temper and voicing the pain that was a part of her every day existence. Her life was changing fast. Who she was and who she wanted to be were not the same. She could not just sit and struggle with the result - she had to get beyond it.

In the real world we don't have the fairy tale situation that this "Reba Life" portrays. I would love at time to scream at the pain that has been such a part of my life these past seven years. Sometimes I want to shake my fist at my family and say "Don't you see me", "Can't you feel my pain and walk through this with me?" But, I don't. I hide behind a plastic smile and manage to get on with things. Yet, inside I hurt and yearn for the days that have escaped me. Choices were made and decisions made that cannot be undone. I am trying to learn how to get beyond it.

Reba seems to be true to herself. She does not allow people to walk all over her. She speaks her mind and deals with the reality of her world. That is what I want for myself. I want to be able to be of a single mind. I want to have my life be congruent with what I know that God has for me. I believe that the only way that I can have a life that is fulfilled and a life of true significance is to get beyond the sin and heartache of the past and live as the beloved of Christ that I am. I need to focus on being a child of God. Live in obedience to the known will of God and to seek to be more and more in love with the lover of my soul.

Life after sinful choices is not a comedy. It is an effort to move through every day. It is an effort to see the good in what has occured. It is an effort to let go of what was. But, it is possible to find life again. Only through the forgiveness that God provided through the death of His dear son can I walk worthy of this love. How thankful I am that my life has meaning because meaning comes from God. All that I am and all that I ever hope to be - I surrender to You, Father. May the very breath that I breathe be wholly unto you.

Peace in the Valley

2007-10-17T21:54:00.000-04:00

Recently, my husband David and I traveled up through the northern hills of Pennsylvania. While wending our way up through many of the beautiful state parks that grace our state I was reminded again and again about the variety of God's creation. There are hills and valleys, trees and barren fields, lakes, rivers and streams abound. How beautiful.

Like a reflection of life, creation cries out loudly of how marvelous our God is. Variety and choice. Each life is filled with hills and valleys. The hills can represent conquests or trials. The valley low points or peace. It is all in how we view it. Around each bend is an unknown.

We go through life always looking for what is around the corner or over the next hill. We seldom rest in the valley that God places us in. The valley is a place of peace. The hills that surround the valley protect the wanderer from the winds that blow. In the valley peace can be found. But it requires that we stop and look and think about what it is that God is trying to teach us. We worry way more about getting out of the valley more than concentrating on spending time with our Creator.

It seems that the valley experience of life is something we should be grateful for rather than always seeking to move on to higher ground. God in His own time will move us to the next place we are to dwell as we travel the road to Him.

God's Mercy, My Need

2007-08-19T21:02:00.000-04:00

In the past week, I have been reading the book of Nehemiah. It has been an awakening of sorts for me. Over the years when I have done the Bible through in a year, I have read through this book. But, for some reason, this time it has hit me in a way that is truly from God.

In the 9th chapter, there is a prayer of sorts where the people of Israel are reminded of their continual falling away from the Lord. And then they are reminded of the continual mercy that has been given to them by their heavenly Father. Over and over again, the auther goes through the sequence of events and it always ends with God's undying mercy.

This has been the saga of my life too. Over and over again, God in His mercy has pulled me out of the pit of sin and despair because of His love and mercy. I would rise up out of the pit and then for a season of time, I would walk close to His side. Then as time would go by, something or some one would entice me away from His side and I would once again slide back into the pit. But, God never leaves those that He loves. And oh how He has proven His love for me.

As I think over these things I wonder why it is that I fall away. I wonder what would ever cause me to leave the one that loves my soul. The wicked one, who entices me to fall uses those areas of my personality that are easily moved. I must put myself into the hands of the only one who can overcome the evil one. Jesus, who conquered sin and death when He surrendered Himself for my sake. Oh how great is His love and His mercy.

My view today is one of light. The light of God's love. The light of God's mercy. And His never ending promise that He will never leave me nor forsake me. I pray that today - I can walk in the light of His love and to accept the gift of Mercy that has taken care of all of my need.

A Little Leaven

2007-08-05T19:25:00.000-04:00

Mark 8:10-13 "And straightway he entered into a ship with his disciples, and came into the parts of Dalmanutha. 11 And the Pharisees came forth, and began to question with him, seeking of him a sign from heaven, tempting him. 12 And he sighed deeply in his spirit, and saith, Why doth this generation seek after a sign? verily I say unto you, There shall no sign be given unto this generation. 13 And he left them, and entering into the ship again departed to the other side."

I don't think until today that I ever noticed the phrase "And he sighed deeply in his spirit...". Jesus was frustrated by the questions and doubts of the Pharisees and also of his own disciples. Deep in his soul he was touched with the pain of rejection. And I found today that I have also caused Him the pain deep in his soul because I too have been like the Pharisees.

How easy it was to play for the wrong audience. I realize that I have sought the approval of those around me and of those that I love more than the approval of the "Lover of my Soul". I Corinthians 5:6 says "Your boasting is not good. Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump of dough?" I allowed myself to get caught up in pleasing the world around me. And it took me down.

As I sat in church today, I came to the point where I saw myself for who I am today - and who I long to become tomorrow. I have been a modern day Pharisee. Tomorrow I long to be a daughter of the King. May my focus be on living a life that is true to the Word of God and that I may be found well pleasing by my Father.

The Promise of the Rainbow

2007-02-23T21:51:00.000-05:00

The Promise

How often I reflect back to the day that this picture was taken. It was my birthday, nearly 3 years ago. My father had just passed away 3 days before and on my birthday a beautiful rainbox graced the farm. It was like a reminder that Dad sent to us that God had indeed kept His promise.

When God first sent the sign of the rainbow it was meant to remind Noah that a promise had been made by God to all generations yet to come. The promise of "salvation" from a flood of the type Noah had experience. Each time the descendents of Noah saw this symbol in the sky, they too could rejoice in the miracle of God's promise.

The salvation that God promised to us through the blood of Christ is something that we look forward to in this life. We live redeemed here on earth, yet we still struggle with the sin that is a part of our lives and the world around us. Only when we see Him face to face and the promise is completely fulfilled will we truly understand the depth of his love and forgiveness.

Each day as I go through the challenges and frustrations of this life I look at this picture and others like it and remind myself that God is faithful. He does not give us more than what we can handle. He provides a way of escape for us. And He has promised that if we but lay our burdens down - He will faithfully take them up. I ask Him daily to give me the strength that I need to overcome the weakness that beats me down and to live a life that is a reminder to others of how great is the love of the Father.

Today a view from the chair is one of thankfulness. Thanks be to God for His abundant mercy, grace and love. Thanks be to God for forgiveness of sins and complete restitution because of the blood of His precious son. Thanks be to God for His patience and goodness that is new every day. I long for the day when I too can stand by my earthly father at my heavenly Father's throne.

A View from the Chair

Forgiveness

Patterns

Sometimes I feel like I am just marking time

Out of Focus

Like a Flower in the Snow

Goodbye, Ray

The Tattered Quilt

Goodbye's

Bloom Where You are Planted

Walking Away from Regret

Autumn Color

I Don't Want to be a Dried Out Sponge

Ever Try and Go Through Life on E-ZPass?

When the Pen gets Cold

Remembrance

What kind of a flower is friendship?

Bittersweet Parting

Idolatry - a Subtle Foe

A Lesson from "24"

It's All in Your Perspective

Various Trials

Do What I Can Today

Stimulus

Fame

I Am

Inauguration

Back in the Saddle Again

Immanuel - God With Us

Reflections on Psalm 103

It's All Just a Vapor

What Treasure Will There Be?

The Morning After

Elections and the Future

Forget the Former Things

Musings from Wykoff

Lay My Isaac Down

Principles or Prescription?

The Depths of His Love

The Insurance Dilemma

The Hem of His Garment

A Sea of Humanity

An Unexpected Award and Friends

Make Me a Vessel

Lonely

Why Worry?

The Turning of a Page

It's a Small, Small Thing

No Bit or Bridle for Me

Against the Wall

The Fragile Nature of Life

Being Congruent

Words

Tunneling Through

Time Away

Disappointment

Living by Sight - Not a Good Plan

Old Roads

Take off the Mask

Focus

Never Underestimate the Voice of God

Transparent Wings

Honor Your Father and Mother

A Sailboat and Joy

I Choose Joy

Forgiveness

More Questions than Answers

A New Start

A Pretty Precious Person

I am more like a Hummingbird

My Lilies

Shattered

I Want to be the Tree

Transplanted and Grafted In

Sunflowers, Love and a Stone

Father, please hear my cry

Saying Goodbye to the Past

At the Crossroads

I want to be a Blooming Tree

Fragile Beauty