Soul Hunger

Tonight as I typically do on Monday, I spent time with my counselor, Michael. It was good. Painful, but good. Interestingly enough about midway through the conversation he said, "Carol, you seem happy tonight." But by the end of the session I was in tears. Oh what trails we go down in our discussions.

Have you ever thought about what it means to hunger and thirst after righteousness? What is it that makes our soul hunger for the Lord? Why do we try and fill this emptiness with things that are temporal and fleeting? Do we not see that the temporary fixes of this world only lead us to more hunger and a greater thirst? And do we not see that this ravenous hunger is never fully quenched?

How is it that we can fool ourselves into believing that man's affection or admiration can fill what only God can fill? How can we think that food or drink, or the drug of choice can dull the pain of this empty void that only God can fill?

Jesus said that He is the bread of life. He told the woman at the well that He is the living water. That any who drink of Him would never thirst again. So why do we continue to seek out that which He supplies?

There is no greater longing that I have than to be loved unconditionally. I have sought this out in any manner of ways. Most have led to destruction and pain. Some have brought a temporary, earthly love, like that of a child for his mother. But, rather than allow myself to be fully loved by the Father and to be have my soul hunger fed, I have stumbled about in this world looking for what only He can supply.

How I long to seek Him passionately and to know the power of His love in my life. May I find my soul hunger fed by the one Who does love me for who I am in Him. I pray that I would stop seeking out what can only be found in the Truth. The Vine. The Bread of Life. May I continue to see Him clearly and to be drawn to His likeness as I seek Him.

Detached but Not Abandoned

You know I am discovering that being a mom does not become easier as your kids get older - it becomes more difficult. That independence that we taught them to exhibit when they were young children is now a fact of life. They want to try new things, go places without us, make decisions without asking advice, marry someone, on and on it goes. And as a parent you just have to learn how to sit back and take it all in.

What a struggle this has been. I want to hold onto the little ones that I brought into the world. I want to have them come running to me when their hearts are broken, or they have a bad day, or they have something joyful to share. But, that does not happen much anymore. So I hurt.

But, as time goes by I am learning that God is prying yet another layer of co-dependence away from me. He is teaching me that I must detach from my kids. They must learn to live on their own, make their own choices and suffer the consequences or reap the rewards of their decisions. Detachment does not mean that I abandon them. It means that I untie the strings that bind and set my birds free. But oh I do hurt.

In this process though, I find myself running to my Father for the comfort that He has so longed to give to me. He is my constant friend - there to guide - there to love - there to encourage. Why has it taken so long for me to run to Him? Why did I fight this battle for so long?

A song by Point of Grace has really touched my heart of late. It is called "Broken Thing" The last part of the song says "You found beauty in this broken thing Made angels dance with wounded wings I can't imagine anything more beautiful. You took the damaged part of me Restored what little dignity was left inside Was left inside this broken thing. I know I'm not worthy of this Never ending perfect love." I am a broken thing. God is restoring my dignity slowly through experiencing the loss of all that was and is familiar. Bit by bit my love for Christ is overshadowing all of the pain of the past. I find my thoughts turn more to living in His presence than finding peace in this present moment.

Yes, I am learning to detach. But, I am not abandoned. My Father, who loves me unconditionally never has left my side.