Musings of a Little Sister

Lots of thoughts go through your mind when you get the call that someone you have known your entire life has passed away.  In the past two plus weeks I have done a lot of musing about my sister, Judy since I got the news.

First of all, I recognize that the text message prayers, the long chats about my Bible study plans, the questions about the well-being of my kids and grandkids and just the general sister chit chat ceased.  I find myself rereading last messages.  The one in particular where she laughingly said she needed to "hop to it" to get her to do list done before she moved to her new home makes me smile and cry all at once.  That was just days before things turned for the worse.  

Second, I think about all of the ways she prayed for me.  She cared so deeply for the needs of each member of my family and the friends that I had shared with her.  I can remember when my friend, Beverly was going through her leg amputation - Judy called me frequently for updates so that she would know how best to pray.  Or during COVID when she joined in the livestream for our church (as well as her own) and she would mention how she prayed for our pastors even though she never knew them. My kids, Geoff and Claire as well as Dave's kids and our grandkids were always in Judy's prayers.  She wanted more than anything to know that they had put their faith and trust in Jesus.  Because to Judy our eternal destination was of the upmost concern.  I miss not being able to share those concerns with her because I knew she was genuine when she said she was praying.

Finally, I remember her last real words to me a week or so before she died.  She asked me what I was teaching in my Bible study this fall.  I told her I was teaching I Peter.  Her words to me come to my mind each time I open my Bible and prepare for my next meeting.  She said "Study hard."  Always the student.  Always the teacher.  

Judy was special.  There is no other real word to describe her.  Her heart for others and her love for Jesus challenge me.  She lived what she believed.  She cared more for others than she did for herself.  I pray that I can be more like her because she was so much like Jesus.  I miss you already big sister.  Enjoy what you have earned dear one!  Well done good and faithful servant!

Pilot Me

 It seems that I have been in a grand funk for quite awhile.  Lately I have been struggling with where I am in life, what I need to be doing with the rest of my days, how I can be an encouragement to others when I feel discouraged myself and on and on it goes.  

Sure, I have a lot to be grateful for.  And I am.  I am grateful for my husband who puts up with all of my emotional ups and downs with great grace.  I am thankful for my family that even though I have disappointed them time and time again they still like to hang out with me.  I am thankful for my church and my brothers and sisters in Christ who challenge me to be better.  And I most of all am thankful for my Savior Who continues to offer to pilot me through all of life's ebbs and flows.

I came across this mirror with the inscription on it "Jesus Savior, Pilot Me" while I was cleaning out a drawer in our spare room.  It was my mom's.  I can even remember where she had it.  It was on the bookshelf that was above her desk in the den.  It was there that she poured over the finances of our little family.  It was there where she often wondered where the money was going to come from to pay the bills on the little farm dad wanted to have.  It was there that she wrote out checks for college tuition, cars, insurance and first and foremost the tithe.  It was there where she wept and prayed over the many hurts of her family and friends. It was there where I am sure she prayed, "Jesus Savior, Pilot Me."  And I believe He did!

I have been praying a lot lately that God would help me to learn how to truly once and for all forgive myself for the things that I have done over the course of life that brought pain to many.  I have been praying over Psalm 19:12-13 "How can I know all the sins lurking in my  heart?  Cleanse me from these hidden faults.  Keep your servant from deliberate sins! Don't let them control me.  Then I will be free of guilt and innocent of great sin."  In other words - "Jesus Savior, Pilot Me!"  I know that by His grace I have been forgiven - I just need to claim that victory for myself.  

It is not by chance I came across this today.  I look at it as an answer to the prayer I have been praying.  In the words of Carrie Underwood "Jesus, Take the Wheel!"  

Beanie

 

Today on the day before Mother's Day I am thinking about "Beanie." I never really knew the origin of the nickname that my mom had but her two brothers and her five sisters all called her that so I am pretty sure she was dubbed that when she lived "down home." 

When I look at this picture of my mom and my uncle Glenn it makes me smile. This would have been before she and my dad were married so I am thinking she was 18 or so.  It was World War II timeframe. 

Mom always said she felt gangly as a teenager. But I think she was beautiful. Her smile here is the same smile she had when she was 89. It was the smile she gave when she heard us come in the back door when we came home to the Valley.  It was the smile she gave when she saw her grandchildren and great grandchildren. It was the smile she gave when she welcomed family and friends into our family home. Her smile came straight from a happy and contented heart.

I miss Beanie. I miss being able to call her on the phone and hear her voice. I miss being able to pour out my heart about the things that matter and some things that don't and have her understand. I miss her telling me to "keep on keeping on" when the way gets wearying. I miss her prayers. She prayed for us all - every day and often many times during the day. I miss that when I needed prodding that she was willing to do it. 

I think about Mother's Day and how this is now my 10th one without her. I wish I had told her more often how much she meant to me. I wish I would have gone home more and spent time with her while I could. I wish I would have done more to have made her life easier. But I cannot go back. I can only remind myself how blessed I was to have this woman as my mom. And I pray that a little bit of "Beanie" comes through to her youngest child. Maybe in my smile. I love you Mom!