Principles or Prescription?

Romans 12:1-2 Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual[a] act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Growing up I attended two different types of churches. Both good in their own way and both bad as well. The first taught that you could lose your salvation. So each Sunday the altar filled with repentant sinners once again asking God to save them. We later moved to another church where legalism reigned supreme. No longer did we worry about our salvation being lost - we now worried about the do's and don'ts. There was a laundry list of things that good Christian's didn't do. Christianity didn't come across very joyful to me in those days.

All along the way, I have questioned why. Why is it that man has such a struggle with simply listening to what God's word says. Why do we feel that we have to "clarify" it by making our own little lists and prescribed ways of doing things?

God did not set down a book of rules. Yes, there are some in His word. Do not kill, do not steal, do not bear false witness, do not commit adultery... Those are very clear cut and non-negotiable. But, He never said, "Do not attend a football game on Sunday, do not go to a bowling alley if there is a bar attached, do not have a glass of wine, etc. What the word of God has given to us in these gray areas are principles to live by not prescriptions.

Do all to the glory of God, offend not your weaker brother, remember the judgement seat of Christ. All of these statements in Scripture are meant to be used as principles to guide us in our decision making. Some are more vertical as in the statement to do all to the glory of God and some are horizontal as in do not offend your weaker brother. When we are confronted with decisions about what we should or should not do - can we honestly say that we keep these living principles in mind?

When Paul wrote in Romans that we were to present our bodies as living sacrifices and that we were to be holy and pleasing unto God he was not giving us a prescription of how to do that. There were not step-by-step instructions on how to live this Christian life. What he did say was that we were to not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of our minds. When people wonder what it means to be conformed to this world, I think that it is because they do not want to put the principles into practice. Can I do this and bring God glory? Can I do this and not offend my brother? Hard things to do but I believe that is what God intended.

A living sacrifice. That is what all of this means to me. To sacrifice what I want or what my freedom in Christ has given me in order to not offend. Laying down my wants to bring God glory. This is the principle of life. Not a laundry list of do's and don'ts. I have grown weary of trying to live up to standards set by fallible humans. I want to live the energized and joyful life that God intended. And this can only be done by putting into practice the principles of His word. And this only can be done by continually submitting to His Spirit as He speaks to us. This then is my earnest plea - "God, help me to be conformed to the image of your dear son that I may walk in abundance of joy."

The Depths of His Love

Psalm 71:20 "Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.

Recently, Dave and I were in New Mexico and had the opportunity to see some of the wonders of creation. Carlsbad Caverns was no exception. Yet, I must say I am not a big cave fan..... I think it is the smell. The dank, dreary, drippy nature of the cave that just makes me feel claustrophobic. But, when you are confronted with the opportunity to see a national treasure you plunge on.

So we began our descent. It is a 1.3 mile trek from the beginning of the path to where the beginning of the Great Room begins. The entire trip down I kept feeling more and more constricted and the smell of bat guano was making my head spin. Yet the further down I got the more determined I was to find the treasure that lay at the bottom.

I guess I feel like life has been a bit like this cave excursion for me. Slowly over time I made the descent into the black darkness of sin and deception. Sometimes there would be unseen hands reaching out to me. Some of those hands were trying to pull me up and others were attempting to thrust me further down into the depths. There even were times where I felt I was free-falling into the abyss and wondering if ever there would be that hard knock that would indicate that I had reached the bottom.

The verse from psalms talks of the fact that life is full of troubles and bitterness and so many other negative things. And yet just as there were beautiful gifts of stalagmites and stalagtites at the bottom of the cave there was an end to my struggle where once again I could feel the restoring hand of the Father upon me. The ascent into the light has been welcome. Just as it was at Carlsbad. The air becomes lighter and the claminess disappears. And then in brilliant glory, sometimes painful in its presence, is the sun. Suddenly, all that was dark and mysterious is gone and it is replaced with light and life.

Our Father has taken me up from the depths of despond and has set my feet once again upon the solid rock. His Sonshine permeates my sould with its light and promises to expose those areas of my being that still want to travel down the dark and dreary path to the bottom. I am resting on His unchanging grace. I am relishing in His mercy that took that lost soul from the bottom, from the despair and brought me up to newness of life. Praise God.

The Insurance Dilemma

Okay - I will admit it. I am getting old. In fact, I have just crested the hill of my 50's and am sliding down the other side. Tonight, my husband and I spent two hours talking with an insurance salesman about long term care insurance. Talk about depressing!!!!

But, now that he has gone and I am sitting back and thinking about it - what we were talking about was a temporary thing. Something to tide us over until our homegoing. Something to keep the nest egg safe so that the kids will have something when we are gone. Just because I am thinking about this doesn't mean it is ever going to happen. I mean after all, the Lord could come back tonight and it would all be for naught. I could be raptured home and never have to spend one minute of time in a nursing home.

The bigger thought that came to my mind was the idea of insurance in terms of eternity. How often have I treated my salvation like an insurance policy. Live like you choose, Carol, after all you have "fire insurance". Sad, but I bet there are other people out there besides myself that have looked at their salvation in such a flippant way.

Our salvation though came at a premium price that cannot be described in dollars and cents. Our salvation cost God the death of His precious Son. Jesus gave up His throne in heaven to come to earth as a man, suffer unspeakable pain in order to pay for my sin. How can this be taken lightly? How can we not reflect on the cost of our redemption?

This policy purchased by my Savior is for my eternal care. Not just for long term care - but eternal. Can I even comprehend what that means? There is nothing on this earth that can compare with the knowledge that my salvation is secure in heaven. Nothing can rob me of this. I may lose every earthly possession but nothing can snatch me out of the hand of my Father.

So rather than being depressed about the fact that age is creeping up on me - I will find the way to make each day count. Find ways to share with others that they too can have an insurance policy of eternal care. And the one that provides that care does not discriminate. There is no restriction on who can come - they only must accept the provision. This is the greatest of all gifts.

The Hem of His Garment

Matthew 9:20-21 'Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak. She said to herself, "If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed."'

What must it have been like to have been this woman? I wonder. For twelve long years she had suffered with health issues that not only made her feel weak and distressed but also brought about ostracism from her friends and family. Finally as a last ditch effort she pushed her way through the crowd in an attempt to see the Master. Surely she had heard about the miracles of healing that He had performed and now she was intent on finding healing for herself.

The crowd that surrounded Jesus was immense. She must have felt out of place and perhaps even afraid that those around her would see her and mention to Him that an "unclean" woman was in their midst. Fear, I am sure must have been her constant companion. Yet, still she pressed on. I wonder if she had any friends who walked beside her or did she walk alone?

There He was! She caught a glimpse of Him and could even hear the sound of His voice as He shared with the mob around Him truths about the Father. Her heart pounding she tried to think of a way to interact with Him. Yet, with each passing moment she could feel the distance grow between where she stood and where Jesus was heading. What could she do? Suddenly, in desperation she must have thought, "If I could just touch His garment - it would be enough." What kind of faith was that? Faith that Jesus and His healing power transcended the human touch. Faith that by just reaching out and touching the great Healer that she would be free. And so she stretched out her trembling arms and grasped the hem - the very edge of His robe.

Suddenly, He turned. What did she feel? Was she afraid? I bet she was. Especially when He spoke and mentioned that someone had touched Him and that He had felt power leave Him and be given to another. The disciples must have thought Him absurd to even wonder who touched Him when the gathering of followers continued to swell. But He knew. He knew her. He knew her need and felt her pain. He knew that she was afraid. He spoke to her. "Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart, daughter," he said, "your faith has healed you." And the woman was healed from that moment." Her faith had healed her. Her faith in the one who she touched.

Like the woman in this story, I too have experienced the healing that comes from the touch of His garment. Not in the literal sense as she had but in the spiritual sense. My issues were different by far than hers; but, I do know what it is like to feel alone and afraid. I know what it feels like to wonder whether the crowd who surrounded me would push me away and not let me grow close to the Savior. But, He turned and He looked back at me. He reminded me that my faith would heal me too. It was a matter of trust.

A Sea of Humanity

I am not much for crowds. I hate the pushing and shoving and the waiting in lines. But once in awhile I have to just deal with it if I want to attend some of my favorite events. For example, I love baseball. So I survive the jostling in order to watch 9 men with a stick and a ball sweat out in the summer sun. I love concerts where my favorite musicians and singers share their talents with the masses. And I enjoy events such as Women of Faith. Bearing that in mind, I just have to get past the fact that there are rude people who shove ahead of me in line, traffic that can cause even the calmist driver to fret and a never ending wait to use the bathroom.

Yesterday as I was coming down the escalator at the Women of Faith conference I mentioned (shouted) to my friend that it looked like a sea of humanity. And it was. Everywhere I looked there were women. Some were talking, some were listening and some just were walking alone. But each and every one of them represented a soul that my Savior loves and died for. My question was and still is - how many of them know that?

Our world is a lonely place filled with people who struggle for a sense of connection. Many are born into circumstances where love is absent. Many are castaways - unwanted by family - and unloved by the world. Still others have lost their way on the journey of life. Perhaps they started down paths that led them to Christ but along the way choices pulled them off and now they too feel alone and abandoned. How heart wrenching it is to be alone and worse yet to feel unwanted and abandoned.

I believe that when Jesus looked out on the sea of humanity that followed Him everywhere He had a heart of compassion and love for them. And this is the heart that I believe He wants each of us who know Him to have and to share. But it is not easy. There is a real inconvenience about loving other people. I mean after all I might have to give up something that means the world to me. Or perhaps I would have to take a back seat or no seat at all in order to allow another to rest. Maybe I would have to shoulder more of the load in order to give a fellow laborer a much needed break. I might have to sacrifice.

Ah, there is the rub. I might have to sacrifice. Am I willing to do that? Could I give up what I feel I have rightfully earned in order for someone less fortunate than myself to enjoy a small pleasure? Could I invest valuable time in the life of someone else in order to see them come into the kingdom even if it meant I might not be able to indulge in an activity that I enjoy?

Do I really care about people or do I simply give it lip service? Oh Father, I pray that is not the case. I want to look out on the sea of humanity that crosses my daily path and have Your heart. I want to see the lonely faces and know that I have the answer that can give them peace that knows no understanding and the love that only comes from being a child of the King. Wash over me and cleanse me of the selfish spirit that wants what I want first and foremost. Allow me to enter into Your work with a renewed passion and a sense of earnestness and urgency. Take away any of the barriers that keep me from seeking Your best for the world that I am a part of. Help me to love as You love. Teach me to be a living sacrifice - wholly and acceptable unto You.

An Unexpected Award and Friends

The other day I was blogging about being lonely. Isn't it amazing how God reaches down in extra-ordinary ways and brings people into our lives to let us know He understands our needs? I just think that is one of the best things about being His child. He knows - before I even ask.

My journey has taken me to enroll in a writing course. I do not really know where God is leading me in this but I feel strongly compelled to learn to write effectively so that I can share my story with others. Along the way, I "bumped" into a new friend, Heidi. Heidi is a part of the same writing guild that I now belong to and also is a blogger. You really should check her work out, "Moms, Ministry and More". She graciously read my blog and gave me this really neat award. It meant a great deal to me. Not so much that she liked my writing but that she felt connected to me through it. That really meant a lot.

Writing to me is a window to my soul. If you have followed my journey this past year or more (or if you have known me for awhile) you know that my soul has experienced tremendous sorrow as well as joy. My writing is my way of sharing the depths of that pain as well as the healing that God has done. To share that with someone new and to have them connect with me is an unexpected gift.

God is good. He has given me friends over the years who have stuck by me through the good times as well as the bad. And He continues to send new people into my life to bring new perspectives and challenges. I am so grateful to Him for hearing my prayer and filling my need. He is so good.

And so, I would encourage you to reach out to others in a new way. It may be through a blog post or maybe it is someone who is sitting in a pew in your church. There are a lot of lonely people out in our world who need an encouraging arm wrapped around them or a kind word spoken to them. Who knows - it may lead to a wonderful new friendship!

Heidi, thank you for this. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and acknowledge it. May God richly bless you and your family in your work and may your writing continue to inspire others to a closer walk with our Lord.

Make Me a Vessel

2 Corinthians 4:7 "But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us."

Today I was thinking a lot about containers. An odd thing to be thinking about, I agree, but it was what was running through my mind. In our marketing crazy world the science of containers has become a pretty hot commodity. It is all about the packaging.

While drinking my coffee this morning I was looking at my favorite mug. It is a heavy mug with a beautiful rim and a sturdy handle. It feels good on my lips as I drink the warm brew each morning. And even though it is still summer I enjoy the snowflakes that were burned into the finish on the cup. Still, if I went and got a paper cup and poured my coffee into it the taste would pretty much be the same. For that matter I could pour my coffee into a bowl or a vase or a milk jug and it would still be coffee - warm and inviting.

What I am getting at here is that the container really doesn't matter. The vessel is not what brings the value - it is what the vessel contains. After all Starbucks couldn't possibly charge you nearly $3.00 for an empty paper cup could they?

We then are containers or as Paul states above - earthen vessels - that God in His marvelous grace chose to place the Holy Spirit. Imagine it - God dwells within each of us that are His children. It doesn't matter what the vessel looks like - its shape, its color, its age. What matters is that the vessel is fit for the Holy Spirit to take up residence within it.

But, what if the vessel isn't clean? In my analogy of the coffee cup suppose that there was residue of some other beverage in that cup. I pour in my freshly brewed coffee awaiting with anticipation that first sip. Then I taste something unfamiliar and certainly not expected. It tastes bad. It still is a cup of coffee but it is now tainted. Like that cup if I am not clean, if I do not continually evaluate the state of my vessel the Holy Spirit must live within me and His power may be tainted by my sin. What people see of this vessel should portray its contents.

My prayer is that I would be a vessel that is fit for the King of kings. I want to be pure and holy so that the power of God is evident to all that come in contact with me.

Lonely

I am missing Claire. Isn't that weird? The past two years have been so difficult and yet I find myself missing the sound of her voice, the opening and closing of her door and yes - even the cutting, sometime hurtful comments. I truly love that girl. And I am so grateful for her role in my life.

In 1999 I began a journey that took me far from my family and friends. It all started out so innocently. And actually it was a result of feeling lonely. I had prayed that God would provide a friend for me - someone who could hear my heart. I believed that He had answered that prayer. I became more and more involved in spending time together, feeding this starving desire to be loved and cared for. And over the course of time the neglect of my kids and husband led to the break up of our family.

Sadly, the pain that Claire has experienced that has brought about so much of her anger has its source in those decisions that I made. It took nearly 8 years for me to wander out of the abyss that I was living in. Claire had to rock my world in order for me to realize that my selfishness had to end.

Claire has challenged me in ways that I never thought I would be challenged. Raising her these last two years has been a struggle and I do not always feel that I have been succesful. But, I do know this - God has used this situation to bring me back to Him. I am choosing to look at this situation as an opportunity for me to grow closer to God and to hopefully grow in a deeper, more meaningful relationship with my daughter.

Yet, this loneliness nags at me. I long to have someone that will answer the deepest needs of my heart. All through the wandering years I know that God was teaching me that the loneliness came from separation from Him. And now as I am growing closer to His heart I need to choose Him first and foremost. I need to seek His love above any others and to listen to His voice above the noise of the world around me. His love and peace is really all that I need.

If in His love for me He would provide healing with Claire that would be an undeserved gift. I pray for that. Not for my own sake but for hers. I want her to learn to seek God above all else and I pray that even in these days when she is so far from family and friends that He will fill her lonely heart with longing for Him. He is greater by far than the chasm that I created. And I am grateful for the bridge that He lay down to bring me back to His heart. And I pray that my dear Claire bear will find the way back before it is too late.

I love you, Claire Elizabeth.

Why Worry?

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ? Matthew 6:27

Worrying has been a family tradition for as long as I can remember. My mom at age 85 has mastered the science. My son at age 23 seems well on his way and I at 51 have finally declared - ENOUGH!

For all the worrying I have done in my life what has it really gained me? I mean did the worrying actually change the outcome? Did it make things better or did it just compound the issue? Is worrying more about control than anything else? I think that is exactly what it is.

In Matthew Jesus challenged his followers and us by extension that we by our worrying cannot add one hour to our lives. I think that makes us angry. I think that we choose to worry because we believe we know better than God. And we sense by our worrying that somehow we can change or impact the outcome. Foolish, silly people we are. How small and insignifcant our desire to control. How unnecessary the hours of sleepless nights thinking about what we could have done differently or should have said differently. How crazy it is to spend time trying to position ourselves in such a way that we would change the outcome. Who are we trying to kid? God is in control. He allows us choices - but ultimately - He knows.

One day ago I saw my daughter off from the train station in Harrisburg as she made her way to New York City. What could I do? I could choose to worry her the whole way there - wondering if she would make the flight from JFK - wondering if she would get to London - wondering - wondering - wondering. But, instead, this time I choose to kiss her goodbye (with tears running down my cheeks!) and commend her into God's hands. There was nothing more I could do. And you know what - I felt FREE!!!!

I am choosing to believe that God has Claire's ultimate good in mind. I am choosing to believe that He will see her through this time away and will give her a renewed love for family and I prayerfully ask that she will find her way back to God. Ultimately, though - all of the choices are up to her. I can only be responsible for my part. My part is to pray for her, love her from a distance and continue to learn how to walk in purity and humilty with my God.

Worrying does no good. It changes nothing. It only adds to the pile of wasted time and energy that eeks away all the vitality of life. Maybe there is hope that the family tradition can stop with me. I believe that it can. I believe that God is teaching me that by faith I can walk. He knows my heart and the footsteps that I will take. And so in faith I will trust. And in faith I will give Him all of my worries. Because I am tired of carrying them and I am tired of being responsible! And I finally realize - He never asked me to be.

The Turning of a Page

You know tomorrow my little girl turns 19. It seems only yesterday I was cleaning up after spills and diapers. Listening to her sing nursery rhymes and learning to count. Binding up cuts and kissing "boo boos". And now, she is a woman. And she is about to set off on the adventure of a life time. It is the turning of a page for her and the end of an era for me.

For a long time I have experienced the cold, hard reality that my children have grown up and really don't "need" me any more. They are pretty self-sufficient and able to survive quite nicely without all of my wisdom - even though I still try and give it. Now, I have become what I never thought I would become - like my mom.

I wring my hands with worry about the decisions that they make. Shake my head in frustration when they don't take all of my sound advice. Wag my tongue at any that will listen when my heart is broken. And pray all the time that God will take the small flicker of hope that I hold that they will return to the One that holds their future.

It is a difficult thing to let go of your children. We say that we surrender them to the Lord when we dedicate them when they are babies but it is a whole different thing to actually trust Him when we must take our hands off and set them free. Trust is something that does not come easy to me. I want to hold onto the strings and keep a tight grip on their comings and goings. I want to protect them from all the evil in the world and more importantly protect them from themselves. But, like my mom with me, I cannot do this. I must sit by and watch and pray.

But, I am going to be different than my mom. I am going to stop worrying. I am going to commit them to God and pray for their well-being knowing that He loves them far more than I ever could. I am going to trust that He will guard their footsteps and put a hedge of protection around them. And I am going to claim the promise of the prodigal son that my children will one day return back to the Father.

And tomorrow, when my little girl turns 19 - I will wish her well. I will put all of the mothering to rest knowing that I have done what I could. I will forgive myself for the mistakes I have made and the hurt that I have caused and put my energy into living a life that my children can respect. They may not always agree with me - or me with them - and that is okay.

Here is to the turning of a page in the book of Claire's life. And here is to the end of an era in my role as mother.

God bless you Claire! I love you.

It's a Small, Small Thing

One of my most difficult life-time struggles has been "people pleasing". It is a hard master and one that brings with it a great deal of pain. I find that I chase myself around in circles trying to make everyone around me happy. And in the meantime, I fall further and further behind.

Recently, I was listening to a great sermon by James MacDonald of Harvest Church in Illinois and the title of the message was "No more people pleasing". It was by no coincidence that I heard this sermon at this particular point in time. God knew that I really have been struggling with a lot of family issues of late and that I was being torn apart by them. Trying to meet the needs of everyone and finding that I was failing at every turn made me feel more discouraged than I have in a very long time. In fact, as I wrote earlier - I hit the wall.

But, I was reminded that it is a very small thing what others think of me. And it is even a smaller thing what I think of myself. What really matters at the end of the day is what God thinks of me. You can look at me with displeasure because I do not measure up to the standards that you have set for me but it is only God's standard that I have to measure myself with.

God has provided through His mercy, salvation. This gift, which I have unfortunately at times treated very casually has become the focus of my life. I no longer want what the world wants. I want what God wants for my life. I fear what it will be like to stand in front of a righteous God and have nothing to cast at the feet of my Savior.

And so it is a small thing whether or not I am a success here on this earth based on human standards. I want only to be more in love with my Lord. I want only to bring Him pleasure and to become a sweet smelling savor as a sacrifice of praise to HIm.

No Bit or Bridle for Me

Several years ago I had this burning desire to learn how to correctly ride a horse. Along with a friend from work we set off to become equestrians! Little did I know that part of learning to ride was learning how to saddle and bridle the horse. There is a real knack to getting everything precisely done - and believe me - those old nags knew when a novice was readying them for the trail. Needless to say, after the six weeks of lessons I did not rush right out and buy a horse. But, I do have a healthy respect for them and truly appreciate the work that goes into breaking one and making them "willing" to sit a rider.

This morning our pastor was teaching from Psalm 32. What a powerful message of God's forgiveness and the hard lessons that David had to learn because of his sin. Verse 9 really stuck in my mind as I was thinking about the sermon on the way home.

Do not be like the horse or the mule,
which have no understanding
but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you.

Like the horse or mule that David spoke about in this psalm, I have had to be yanked about by the bit and bridle. Often times God must bring correction into the lives of His children. This correction is not pleasant and at times it is embarrassing or painful. But, just as we do not want our earthly children to disobey neither does God. He knows that the disobedience will bring suffering far worse than the correction that He instills.

If you have ever watched a horse though that has a bit in their mouths you can tell that they do not "enjoy" having that metal piece lodged between their jaws. And certainly when the rider pulls them from one side to the other often in rapid succession or with incredible force it must be painful. That would be the only reason that the horse obeys as I am sure they have a lot of other ideas of how they would like to spend their time rather than hauling humans around. Yet, God's word says that without the bit and bridle they would not come to you. In other words - that is the only option.

We though do not have to be like the horse or mule. We can make the choice to obey without having to be yanked about by the bit and bridle that God uses to correct us. I believe that it comes from obedience and willingness to stay hidden in the hiding place that God provides for us. Verses 7 and 8 say:

You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
Selah

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you and watch over you.

His Word is meant to instruct us and wise is the man or woman who listens to the Word and obeys. In the obedience comes deliverance. In the obedience comes real freedom. I pray for that type of obedience. I pray for that type of willingness to go where He leads and no longer be corrected by the bit and bridle of God.

Against the Wall

It has finally happened. I have hit the wall. I am banging my head against it, flailing my arms at it and pushing with all my might and it just won't budge. This is the wall of control. This is the wall of "I want to fix it". This is the wall that has been heading my way for quite some time and finally I am here.

All of this anger and frustration and purposeless living has finally gotten to me. I feel as though nothing I do is going to make any difference. I am battling an enemy that is within my own person. It is not anyone else - it is me. It is the old nature that continues to rear her head and wants to make everybody else happy with her. And the wall says - you can't do it. The wall says - stop. The wall says - you lose.

When will I ever learn that it is not my battle to fight? When will I ever learn that it is not my business? When will I ever learn that God is the one who controls the destiny of those around me? I cannot nor should I even think that I could possibly make things different or better for those around me. I mean after all - look at all the dumb decisions that I have made and the outcomes of each and every one of them.

So I am done. I am done trying to fix things. I am done trying to make everyone else happy. There comes a point of decision and I am there. I am going to stop beating myself up. I am going to stop sidestepping issues and deal with things head on. I am not a robot nor am I able to just remain aloof from what surrounds me. But, I am also able to relinquish control to my Father. The One and only person who can make things right. The One and only that knows the end from the beginning. The One and only who can calm my fears and free my troubled mind.

Oh God, I am so weary
This load has been so heavy

Take it from me and free my mind
Help me leave it with you and never take it up again

Watch over my soul and keep me in Your will
Keep my mind from being controlled by thoughts I cannot contain

Lead me to your refreshing waters where my soul can be nourished
Help me to wander freely about in the pasture of your grace

Teach me to choose You above all else
Humble me in the shadow of your might

Give me a clean heart that is renewed each day
Foster in me a love that knows no limits

Cleanse my wicked thoughts and purge my iniquities
Grant me the spirit of kindness and remove the spirit of fear.

I love you. I need you. And the wall is way too high. Lift me above it, I pray.

The Fragile Nature of Life

For the longest time it did not seem that I was getting older. I knew that the years were passing by but I felt good and the possibility of death seemed so far off and remote. Even the passing of my dad four years ago seemed appropriate, although sad. After all, he was nearly 85.

But, in the last month two of my family members, contemporaries of mine became ill. My brother-in-law has been quite frail in recent years and my sister is facing many difficult and life-changing decisions in regard to him and his care. On the other hand, my sister-in-law has been robust and ready to face all of life's challenges and so finding out she has a major illness came as quite a blow.

All of a sudden, it seems as though I am feeling tired. Like this is just not a good place to be any more. It feels as though the cold wind of winter is about to blow in on our family and I am not ready for that. I want the warmth of summer to last forever. It makes me feel melancholy. And it feels so out of my control.

Could it be that God is trying to tell me that I need to step up to the plate and make something of life instead of just going through the motions? But, what exactly is His plan for me? I feel adrift. I am aimless and the direction seems so changeable.

This morning I was reading Psalm 112. The psalms have been so real to me of late. I guess because I like the psalmist have felt the joy and the sorrow, the victory and the defeats and the closeness and distance of God.

1 Praise the LORD.
Blessed is the man who fears the LORD,
who finds great delight in his commands.

2 His children will be mighty in the land;
the generation of the upright will be blessed.

3 Wealth and riches are in his house,
and his righteousness endures forever.

4 Even in darkness light dawns for the upright,
for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man.

5 Good will come to him who is generous and lends freely,
who conducts his affairs with justice.

6 Surely he will never be shaken;
a righteous man will be remembered forever.

7 He will have no fear of bad news;
his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.

8 His heart is secure, he will have no fear;
in the end he will look in triumph on his foes.

9 He has scattered abroad his gifts to the poor,
his righteousness endures forever;
his horn will be lifted high in honor.

10 The wicked man will see and be vexed,
he will gnash his teeth and waste away;
the longings of the wicked will come to nothing.

The promises of this psalm calm my wavering heart as I think about them. God promises that the person who fears God and delights in His commands will be blessed. I do have a holy fear of God. I realize more each day how awesome He is and how small I am. I see my weakness and acknowledge His strength. I confess my waywardness as I rejoice in His grace. And yet - I feel adrift.

Is it because I am still seeking out what the world has to offer? Is it because I have not ever really given my life over to the Lordship of Christ and allowed Him to work His will in my life? Is this why I feel somewhat fragile in the face of eternity? Is this why all of this uncertainty surrounding those dear to me shakes me so?

As I read this psalm I realize that the truth is that I have not been faithful to the direction that God has provided over the years. I have chosen my own path and have often times gone the way of sin rather than the way of righteousness. I long to have the confidence that the psalmist had when he wrote that his heart was secure and he had no fear.

And so I must seek out the truth of God for me. I must put my trust in His commands and be obedient to what comes without questioning. All of this uncertainty about the future should be directing me toward God rather than away from Him. In order for my heart to be secure and to have no fear I must put my trust singularly in God. Not in myself, not in others.

Being Congruent

Being congruent is my goal. If you were a math person you would probably be familiar with the term congruent. It is often applied to triangles. Two triangles are said to be congruent when they are the same shape and size. Okay so you are wondering what in the world does that have to do with me.

To be truthful, I have not been congruent. I have been anything but. My behavior over the years, the choices that I have made certainly were not identical to my Father. We are to be like Christ. Whenever we stray away from the directives given to us in the Word of God we lose our congruency. Our angles become out of perspective. And sometimes the differences become so great that we no longer resemble our Savior.

My heart's desire is to become congruent. This desire though is not easy to fulfill. It means at times falling out of favor with loved ones because the choices that I must make are not always the popular ones. Sometimes it may mean leaving a job if it compromises what I believe God is directing me to do. The bending and molding that God must do in order to bring congruency back into my life has been and continues to be painful. Yet, there is a joy in the pain. There is joy in knowing that the more I seek to be like Him the more I will be congruent to Him. People will see Him through me.

My prayer is that no matter how difficult the molding becomes that I will stay true to the process that God is working out in me. I pray that no matter how rugged the times become that I will follow hard after Him and live to see my image conformed more closely to His. And someday - when I see Him in His glory - I will be completely congruent!

Words

I have been thinking a lot about words. Words have the capability to soothe or to harm, to uplift or to degrade, to encourage or to despair. They can have a bite to them or they can be musical.

How we use words in our everyday lives imparts to others the intent of our heart. Sometimes our word though is not to be trusted. We hide behind lies when it suits our purposes. Or at times we give words of flattery when we feel it will make the other person happy or perhaps go easier on us. When the intent of our heart is not pure - the words that we speak are not pure either.

Over and over in scripture the intent of the heart is mentioned in response to the words and actions that we speak and do. Matthew 15:18 says "But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man 'unclean.'" Our hearts in their unclean state allow us to issue words that are neither true or right. The tongue is like an untamed rudder that runs the boat adrift.

I struggle at times with my heart. There are circumstances that have caused me to harbor hard feelings toward others. These feelings reside deep within my heart and out of my mouth come words that can bring harm to those people. My prayers of late has turned toward the deep-seeded sin that causes me to say or think things about others that is hurtful. I know that God is teaching me that to love others as I am called to requires dealing with the heart issues. Whenever I am tempted to say things that are untrue or to gossip about someone I am trusting that God will instead help me to bring blessing to those that have harmed me. It is hard. But it is was is right.

Psalm 19:14 is now the prayer of my heart. "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer." I pray that I will dedicate my heart to edifying those that God puts in my path and that the words that I say, write or think will be pleasing to the Lord. It will always be a struggle in this life because the father of lies desires nothing more than to have us say things that will bring pain to others but I do believe that by the strength of the Holy Spirit I will be able to overcome the weakness of my flesh in this area.

Words are a powerful tool. I pray that this tool will be used for construction and not for destruction in the lives that I come in contact with.

Tunneling Through

Sunlight - fresh air - freedom! That is what it feels like when you finally emerge out of a tunnel. Just how great that feels depends on how long the tunnel journey. I can tell you - my tunnel was long. And I can also tell you - the air is sweet!

I entered into the tunnel of darkness nearly 9 years ago now. It was a gradual thing. Actually for part of the trip there were companions but eventually I found myself crawling along in the darkness all alone. Sometimes I could feel the tunnel sloping downward and other times I could sense it leveling off. But always there was darkness and the stench of fetid air.

There were times while in the tunnel where I came at decision points. Would I turn to the left or the right, would I go straight or would I go up? All along I was trying to make this journey through the tunnel in my own strength with my own wisdom and with my own determination. But I wasn't making any headway. In fact, if anything I was falling deeper and deeper into the tunnel - further from the light.

But God....

Yes, but God. Philippians 1:6 says "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Nearly 45 years ago, I received Jesus Christ as my Savior and Lord and even though there have been many times that I have wandered away from the Father, He continued to work in me because He is going to be true to His word and complete it.

The tunnel began to narrow and get more and more confined. The air became almost unbreathable. The pressure of previous choices were pressing in on me. I know now that God was using this time of my life to help me to see just how great was my need. I needed to surrender control of my life, my attitudes, my children in order to begin the journey out of the tunnel.

Slowly with the help and guidance of the Holy Spirit I began the slow assent up. Along the way, there have been companions, some new and some from days gone by who began to show the way. Encouraging me to keep believing, keep breathing in the fresh air of the Spirit. Gradually the tunnel began to widen and the air began to clear. Off in the distance I could see a faint light. And so I continued to crawl along, only faster.

And then it happened! I saw the end of the tunnel. Light broke upon the darkness and all was true and right again. God in His infinite mercy extended to me the opportunity to see His love in action. I feel a sense of freedom and joy that I have not felt in so long. He is good! He is faithful and He is true.

Time Away

As I write this entry, I am in a hotel room in Bismarck, North Dakota. It is truly one of my favorite places to visit. I love the land, the people, the simplicity of the life of here.

When I am away from home and things familiar it reminds me of how I really am a traveler in life. God never intended us to become so rooted down in the cares of the world that we would consider this place home. He wants us to always be looking forward to going home - and home is where God is.

So while we are temporarily roaming this earth our outlook should be one of seeing this time as a preparation for what it to come. What are we spending our time doing? What are we investing in? Are they temporary, fleeting objects that will be gone when our earthly travail has past? Or are we investing our hearts and lives into those people that we want to see with us in heaven?

The picture that I have posted with this entry is of a little church that I saw on the prairie here in North Dakota. The beautiful blue sky framed the church and all I could think of at that time was how the steeple pointed straight to heaven. We are always to be looking up - thinking of God and of the permanent home He is preparing for us. And one day in the clouds, the Savior will return to take us home to be with Him. There will be no more worry, no more fretting about things that really don't matter. For all of our sorrows will be turned to joy, all of our questions will be answered and we will be like Him for we shall see Him as He is.

How glad I am for time away. Time away reminds me that there are people and places all over the world where the love of the Savior is not known. There are people that have never heard the good news of salvation. The temporary home that they live in - is all that they know. Oh that I might be more concerned about the permanent future of those that I come in contact with as I travel from place to place in life's journey.

Disappointment

I suddenly realize that I have "arrived" at motherhood. Now you may be thinking, if you know me, wow - it took her a long time to get there. After all, Geoff just turned 23 in June. But, I finally have felt what I am sure mother's all over the world have felt for their children, disappointment.

I looked up the word in the dictionary. And of course as dictionaries so often it led me to another word - "the state or feeling of being disappointed." And so I looked up disappointed. And this really hit home -"depressed or discouraged by the failure of one's hopes or expectations".

Over the last six months or so, Geoff has been working extremely hard at his job in hopes of being promoted to a full-time position. This has meant doing things above and beyond the call of duty and often times having to clean up messes made by other people. His hard work had not gone unnoticed by those in authority over him. He had been told time and again that he was going to receive the promotion that he was working so hard for. Financially, he really needed this position. He and his wife have been struggling for awhile and I know that this would ease that situation tremendously.

So yesterday was to be the day. He had his suit in his truck, his shirt pressed, his tie clean and his spirits high. But, it didn't happen. In fact, he was told to go home. Somewhere in the bureaucracy of his company, the paperwork had not been completed correctly, or someone had forgotten to do what needed to be done. He was absolutely CRUSHED. So sad in fact that he went into hiding and would not answer his phone.

As a mom I was angry. Angry for him. Why would he not get what had been promised to him? Why would people lie to someone like him? My heart ached for him and for his wife. But, then I started to be angry with God. Maybe just a little bit. Or maybe a lot. After all I had prayed and prayed. My dear mom has prayed. Many others have prayed. But, God chose not to answer "yes" at this time. Why, God? What are you trying to teach Geoff? What are you trying to teach me?

Then this morning as I was reading the story of how God took the kingship away from Saul and gave it to David there was a verse that really touched me. I Samuel 15:29 says "He who is the Glory of Israel does not lie or change his mind; for he is not a man, that he should change his mind." So what does that have to do with this situation? Well, God has made many promises to us. He has promised that he has a path prepared for Geoff and Bethany. A path to give them hope and a future. He has promised that He will never leave them or forsake them. He has promised that we have no need to worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will take care of itself. And as I thought about all of these promises - and how God has been so faithful to me and to Geoff over the years - I realized that I wasn't angry any more. I was thankful. I am seeing that I must not try and manipulate God into my timing. His timing is perfect. His way is sure. And I can TRUST Him.

And so I have arrived. I now know how my dear Mom has felt all these years every time one of her chicks got hurt, made a mistake, brought sin into their lives. But, rather than worry and fret I am going to rejoice. Because He is not a man, that he would change His mind! Praise you, Father.

Living by Sight - Not a Good Plan

II Corinthians 5: 5-10

"Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come. Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. We live by faith, not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad."

I am a visual person. Show it to me, prove it to me, let me touch it, smell it, taste it. Then I will believe it. But as I am learning now it is not the way that God works. God expects us, as the Apostle Paul states in II Corinthians for us to live by faith, not by sight. Ouch!

How do we become people of faith? How do we learn to follow God regardless of our circumstances?

Faith is not a part of who we are - it must be all of who we are. Sometimes I think I have lost sight of that. I keep thinking I must be doing something – I need to fix things – I need to say something or do something. Yet, as I reflect on those times when I ran ahead of God it was a losing proposition. Maybe not initially, but certainly down the road.

When we think about examples from the Scriptures of people who walked by faith – God also provided what happened when they didn’t. I think about Abraham. When God sent him out of his homeland, he went. He didn’t question. Yet, when confronted with who Sarah was, rather than trust God to get him out of the situation, he lied. He said that Sarah was his sister. Why? Fear! I am so often afraid too. I think how in the world can I live by faith in certain situations? Or how about the promise that God gave to Abraham of a son. Abraham waited for a long time but then because Sarah became more and more anxious about the lack of fulfillment of the promise – Abraham took Hagar and from that came Ishmael. Why? I believe it was lack of trust when God didn’t move in their time frame. Guilty! Wow, am I guilty! I want things when I want it.

I am learning that the only way that I can honestly walk by faith and not by sight is to constantly remind myself of what God has done. Has He been faithful in the past? Has He been faithful to His word? Those questions I know in my head are answered with a resounding “yes”. But, my actions do not send out that same signal. So in order to have my actions become congruent with what I know to be true then I must learn to rest. I must learn to wait. I must learn not to run ahead of God.

Truth be told – I want to be a woman of faith. I want to see God do what He promises to do. I want Him to use me as He would want to use me. This means that I must fight fear, I must fight the desire to be in control, and I must fight the temptation to lie. All of this boils down to being willing to surrender to the lordship of Jesus Christ and to see that the Spirit has been given to us as a deposit of what is to come.

Old Roads

Recently, my husband Dave & I have been out riding our Harley's. And the roads have taken us to old haunts of mine. Places that have memories attached to them. It is a true statement that when you are riding a bike you have time to let the fresh air blow the cobwebs out of your head. Life has been a bit hectic of late with a lot of emotional upheaval and some unexpected twists so the open road has been a welcome friend.

Old roads lead to old destinations. Some of those are good and some of those are not so good. I passed by a few places on our jaunt that made me cringe and a few that made me smile. I guess that is why the apostle Paul said in Philippians 3:13-15
"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you."

So I got to thinking about some of the destinations. What I discovered is that there are some roads that God does not want me to go back down. There is danger at the destination. He wants me to learn from the experiences of the past. Kind of like the verse above where Paul says that those of us who are mature should take a view of these things and learn as God makes things clear. There are some roads that lead to God's blessing and provision. Those are the roads that should be well traveled. And those roads may be a part of the pressing on to the goal.

There are some of the old roads that are secret places to me. Places where I have had private moments with my God. Places where I have wept for what was and prayed for what would be. These places remind me of the faithfulness of God as He has mended my broken heart and taught me that He is the one that meets my needs. There also are places on those old roads where I have tried to hide from God. Like Adam and Eve I thought that I could hide from Him. Yet, He continued to call me out and beckoned me to walk with Him as we talked together. There have also been places on the old road where the path diverged. I have had to leave some traveling companions on those forks in the road. Those were painful partings and yet needful for my continued growth. Along the way, God has provided new companions or brought others back to the path with me.

I am grateful to God for all of His wonders and grace in my life. Even in these turbulent times we are in, I know that He is faithful to keep me walking on the narrow way. His ways, his old road is the way of the cross. And the way of the cross leads home. Even now, Lord Jesus, lead me home.

Take off the Mask

Life is just one big object lesson. I have come to the conclusion that if you are really seeking to see God - you will find Him.

All of my life I have really liked clowns. In fact, Emit Kelly, pictured above always was one of my favorites. There was something about the sad face that pulled me to him. Or perhaps it was because I felt a kindred spirit with him because I too hid my real self behind a mask. Not very many people really ever knew the real me. I hid behind a mask. Life was easier behind the mask.

So yesterday I went with Claire to a picnic hosted by the local Teamsters union of which she is a member. All around the grounds were clowns. Happy clowns, sad clowns, scary clowns. They were making balloon animals, squirting kids with water, dancing and generally having a good time. This young man that Claire knows from UPS sat down with us and we got to chatting. He was telling me that he hated clowns. I was incredulous. How could you hate clowns? I mean - aren't they fun? To him, he saw them as "evil" always hiding behind a mask. Talk about an open door for discussion.... So I said to him, "Don't you ever wear a mask?" He quickly replied, "no and I don't have many friends! But, I would rather be real than hide behind a mask." Wow! Okay, God I hear you.

As is typical these days after something like this I stop and think about it. What lesson was there for me in this? Obviously, it is not good to wear a mask and to not be genuine. And it also is not good to be unkind. So somewhere in between there must be a happy medium. What keeps me behind the mask? It's fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of being ridiculed. Fear of not being accepted for who I am. As I thought about it I realized that Satan wants me behind the mask. When I am behind the mask then I am not allowing God to be in control. I am attempting to stay in control of my own life. To take off the mask is to totally trust in who God is and who I am in Him.

Taking off the mask cannot be done gradually. It is either off or on. I choose to take the mask off. I choose to allow God to be in total control and be the Lord of my life. No longer hiding behind the lies and deception of the mask. May God continue to reveal His reality to me in these lessons of life.

Focus

This morning Dr. David Dunbar of Biblical Seminary was the guest speaker at our church. The message came from the gospel of John chapter 17. He was talking about the mission that we all have - not missions in the sense of going to a far off land but the actual mission that Christ had prayed about in John 17.

As he worked his way methodically through the high priestly prayer of our Savior prayed just hours before He was crucified Dr. Dunbar spoke of how often we can't see the forest for the trees. We get so caught up in things that we do or don't understand and we miss the bigger picture. As he preached I found myself thinking about this as it pertained to my own life.

When I was in seminary one of the verses that I had to memorize was John 17:17"Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth." I had always thought the word sanctify meant to set apart. Today, though a new meaning to this word was given and it really helped me to see this passage a bit more clearly than I ever had before. Sanctify can also mean focus. "Focus them by the truth; your word is truth." Verse 19 "For them I focus myself, that they too may be truly focused." What was Jesus saying?

Jesus was focused on bringing conclusion to the work that God had sent Him to do. He desired to finish well. How sad it would have been if after all the ministry, the miracles, the sermons, the prayers if Jesus would have said "no, I don't think I will finish this, it is too hard." Instead, as He got closer to the end, His prayer became all the more fervent that He would complete the work of the Father. His focus was on God. His focus was on obedience. His focus was on us - His mission.

What am I focused on? Do I see the mission that Jesus has for me to accomplish? Am I bent on finishing well? In the final verses of this chapter, Jesus said, "My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me." Our mission, my mission is to present the living Jesus to all that cross my path. Not in a down your throat mentality but in a relational way. People need to know that they are loved and cared for. And the church has failed miserably in this. We have not been loving even amongst ourselves. How then can those who are on the outside be expected to yearn for the peace that only God can give?

But, we do have the answer. "They will know we are Christians by our love, by our love." Will they? Do they see us loving one another? Do they see us reaching out of our supply to meet their need? Oh Father, may it be said of me that I finished well. Please work in me to finish the mission that you have laid out for me. In obedience may I seek to share the love of Jesus Christ with all that I come in contact. Help me to hear your voice.

Never Underestimate the Voice of God

In recent months I have been trying to listen more closely to what I now know is the Spirit of God as He speaks to me. It is all about listening prayer. Pray and expect to hear - listen for what God is telling me - obey and trust. So it should not come as any surprise what happened just recently.

My son, Geoff is turning 23 on the 10th of June. Last weekend we were going to celebrate his birthday because he and his wife, Bethany would be gone on vacation over the actual day. Dave and I had decided that we would give him money because of the high cost of gas to help defray the cost of the trip. But, I have never been a big fan of the money or gift certificate kind of gift. It just seems so impersonal.

So, I was getting ready for the party and for some reason I spied the Bible that my mom had given to me right after my dad died. This was his last Bible that he could read before he lost his eyesight. I heard the Spirit say, "Give this to Geoff". I opened the well-worn pages, turning to see places where my dad had written notes or underlined passages that meant something to him. Again, I heard the voice. But, there was a part of me that just didn't want to do it. I wanted to keep it. After all this was my dad's. And I was concerned that if I gave it to Geoff he would just chuck it in a corner and it would have no meaning.

I finished getting dressed and finally, the Spirit said, "Carol, give that to Geoff - it is a part of his heritage." In obedience, I went in and wrote a card out to Geoff and taped it to the front. I told him why I was giving it to him and that it would mean a great deal to his granddad that he had his Bible. I wrapped it up and took it downstairs.

Geoff was so appreciative of the gesture. He came in and personally thanked me for giving it to him and what it meant to have it. But, I thought at that time that would be the last I would hear of it.

Today, Geoff's mother-in-law shared with me that Geoff felt that the Bible made his birthday. He and Bethany are now reading it together. Oh how I praise God that His voice prompted me to give the Bible to Geoff. I have been praying for my son and his sweet wife. I long to see him walk in humility with God just as my dad did. I pray that this will be the beginning of a renewed walk with the Lord Jesus.

How I praise You, Father. There is no other explanation for what brought that gift to mind other than You. I place my trust in You for the ones that I hold dear. Thank You for Your love extended toward my son and the heritage of love for You that my dad extended toward me.

Transparent Wings

Hebrews 13:18 "Pray for us, for we are sure that we have a clear conscience, desiring to act honorably in all things."

My cousin, Bill sent me an email today that had pictures of butterflies with transparent wings. It was an amazing thing to look at. Each wing was intricately made and you could see through to the flowers or tree that were behind it. As I looked at that I thought about the word transparent. So I decided to look it up. After the more scientific meaning the following definitions were given. "free from pretense or deceit, easily detected or seen through".

So often Christians talk about how important it is for us to be transparent with one another. I looked at this definition and got to thinking about whether or not I really would be or could be transparent with someone else. This would include being totally honest when questions are asked, not thinking more highly of myself than I should and demonstrating that my motivations are pure. That is a lot for any one to ask of another human.

But, if we take the Word of God seriously, we know that God has given us the capability to live a transparent life. Nothing to hide, nothing to fear and everything to gain. The Spirit that lives within each one is very God. And that Spirit provides for us all of the characteristics of Jesus Christ. He was truly a transparent man. There was nothing pretentious or deceitful about Him. His motives were pure and right. He came to honor the Father. Everything that He did was in obedience to God. We are challenged to be holy even as He is holy. That is a transparent life.

The verse that I put at the beginning is a prayer that we all should pray daily. If we pray that we would act and think in an honorable way - our conscience will be clear. And if your conscience is clear then you have nothing to fear by being transparent. People can look right through your actions to see the reality of the One that motivates your thoughts. May they see Christ in me as I seek to live a transparent life.

Honor Your Father and Mother

Deuteronomy 5:16 "Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the LORD your God is giving you.

Sometimes memories of my dad will come rushing back into my mind and it is like he is still here. Nearly four years ago two weeks shy of his 85th birthday, my dad went home to be with the Lord. Now mom wanders about in the home that they built and misses her mate of 62 years.

There is something to be said for longevity of marriage. There is a certainty about it. You know the other persons strengths and weaknesses. And if you chose to have a marriage that was harmonious you learned how to deal appropriately with each challenge that came along. As the children came, mom and dad struggled to keep the family home financially afloat while still being faithful to the commitment to give to the Lord His tithe.

Hard work was the watchword. Both of them were never given to sitting around. In fact, we learned as kids to chat with mom while she did dishes, cleaned, sewed, gardened or whatever was the task at hand. Dad was more of a moving target. The farm took a lot of his time but he did spend time now and again helping with homework problems that caused us to stumble.

I marvel as I look back at the heritage that they provided to each of us. Oh, there were things that I surely wish had been done differently but I believe that God gave me parents that loved Him first and foremost. They loved their children and gave of all they had to see us achieve more than what they ever expected. They loved us through the stormy years and loved us through the peaceful ones and for that I am thankful.

Honoring your father and mother is not about giving gifts. Although there is nothing wrong with that expression. Honoring your father and mother is about giving thanks for the sacrifices and the love that they provided. It is about teaching your children about what was important to their grandparents. It is about realizing that the very life that God has given to me was an expression of their love. What a miracle. And what a blessing.

I miss you, Dad. And I am doing my best to honor mom in every way I can.

A Sailboat and Joy

One ship sails east
One ship sails west
Regardless of how the winds blow.
It is the set of the sail
And not the gale
That determines the way we go.
(Ella Wheeler Wilcox)

God is not a god of coincidence. Have you ever noted that? He has a defined purpose and plan for each of us. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

So if you have been following my journey you know that I have been traveling on the road to healing from a long visit in the desert. And it seems that everywhere I turn I am confronted by the word "joy". Every sermon I have listened to the past few days has had as their focus the book of Philippians and the joy that the apostle Paul wrote about. Then today on my igoogle site where I have quotes from Two Listeners it said "Go forward you are beginning a new Life. Joy, Joy, Joy." Okay, God - I hear you.

The poem that I put at the top is one that I heard today and wanted to share. It is all about choice. As I wrote yesterday, I choose joy. My sail is set on the journey toward joy. But, I am not going into this blindly. I realize that the journey toward joy is one that may be fraught with sorrow. Sorrow and joy kind of go hand in hand. We really want the joy - but who wants the sorrow?

Isaiah 51:11 The ransomed of the LORD will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away.

God's word promises us that sorrow and sighing will flee away. We will overcome the sorrow and sighing of this time when the Lord returns. It may be hard now though when the sorrow weighs so heavily upon us. This is when I believe that God wants us to trust Him and choose joy. This is where faith comes in. This is where despite my circumstances I will choose joy. I will continue to set my sail and choose the path of joy. I will have faith in God because He has proven Himself to be trustworthy and faithful to me.

All of this reminds me of the song I sang when I was little. I taught this to my kids too. I wonder if it is sung very much any more. If not - let's bring it back! Get on the joy path!

I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart
where?
down in my heart
where?
down in my heart.
I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart
down in my heart to stay!!!

I Choose Joy

Psalm 65:8

Those living far away fear your wonders; where morning dawns and evening fades you call forth songs of joy.

I have been thinking a lot about joy lately. It is so discouraging at times with all the bad news in the world to truly be happy. Yet, joy and happiness are not synonymous. To me happiness is a state of emotion and is very dependent on what is going on in my world at that point in time. Joy though is a state of being. I choose to be joyful regardless of my circumstances.

Paul in Philippians discusses his circumstances and the fact that he was hard pressed to decide which was better – to be present in this world or to be present with the Lord. He counted it all joy even though at the time he was imprisoned. I don’t think Paul even thought about his circumstances. I think all he thought about was demonstrating the joy that comes from knowing Christ. Joy doesn’t come from us – it comes from Christ living in us and the desire to serve Him in the furtherance of His kingdom.

Joy then can be a constant. It does not come and go like happiness. If we are truly faithful about our walk with God and we press on regardless of our temporal circumstances – we can know true joy. But, what happens when we are not faithful?

When I have been unfaithful to God a dry spirit indwells me. Nothing brings that wellspring within me that causes a song to break forth in the morning. But, our God, the Father of all joy, loved me enough to forgive my unfaithfulness and set my feet aright on the path once again. The confession of sin and the repentance that followed allowed the Spirit of God to bring a song of joy to my heart again. Praise His faithfulness.

My name, Carol, means “song of joy”. When my parents named me that, I doubt that they knew its meaning. But, as I ponder it, I think that God has used my name to remind me of His faithfulness to me. I too can be a song of joy because of His great love toward me. May I truly walk in faithfulness and abound in His goodness and joy as I seek to serve Him.

Forgiveness

"Whenever you are in a critical temper, it is impossible to enter into communion with God." Oswald Chambers

Lately, I have been pondering forgiveness and what it means to me and also what it costs. Obviously, as a Christian I am very grateful for God's forgiveness. Without it, I would be lost eternally and would never know what it means to walk in the light of my salvation. But, what about forgiveness from others? Or what about granting forgiveness?

There have been circumstances where I have done or said things which have brought harm and pain to others. It is a very humbling and sometimes frightening prospect to approach asking for their forgiveness but I believe it is actually easier at times than forgiving someone else.

I have harbored deep inside of my heart a very deep-seeded anger and woundedness toward someone for many years. This anger has seeped into my every day life and at times even invades my dreams. It causes me to fall short of the meaningful relationship with my Father that I long for. He wants me to be able to open my hands and let it go. Forgive. And get beyond it.

This will require letting go of a big crutch that I have held for so long. I mean after all if I hold onto my anger I can excuse my behavior. I can fall back on what has become a comfortable old friend. But, this old friend is really a snake in the grass. It consumes me with the poison that it inflicts with each biting criticism or nasty thought that I allow.

How can I who deserves no mercy, no forgiveness, no acceptance by the God of heaven be unwilling to forgive? Oh God, forgive me for my hard heart. Forgive me for my critical spirit that has blocked my communion with you. Please help me to let go of the anger and hurt of the past and realize that this is a new season. A new start. A new life that you have given to me. I do not want to wallow in the pain of the past any longer. You know the one that this is pointed to. And I pray that your hand of blessing would rest upon him and that his life would be one of purpose.

Forgive me and fill me with the joy of knowing that your Spirit lives within me and brings me to the place where I can surrender the pain of the past and move to the place of quiet joy that You alone can give.

More Questions than Answers

Today I feel filled with questions. And not a whole lot of answers. Thoughts come to my mind and I wonder where they are coming from. Are these thoughts from God or are they thoughts from someone else? Are they thoughts that should be shared or are they thoughts better kept to myself. Oh how I cry out for the wisdom of God to truly know.

Whoever said that walking the Christian life was easy must never have really walked it in earnest for I have seen what that looks like and it is anything but easy. I have experienced one who searches so deeply for the truth of who God is and what He has in mind and the walk is no where near easy. It is hard and full of sacrifice and trial. And yet, there is an abiding joy in the journey. Not a giddy joy but a quiet joy and one that stirs within me a desire to know this walk in a deeper more intimate way.

People cannot know or understand the sincerity with which a sister or brother in Christ walk their journey. They can only appreciate (or condemn) what they see on the outside. Their judgements may be made based on distortions of the truth and sometimes based upon the fear that they cannot explain through theology what someone else has experienced or is going through. This is a lesson that I am learning though my own journey and also by watching and questioning the journey of others. God in His Sovereign design has brought me to this place. A place of desire to go deeper, to know Him more fully and to trust in His works - even when there are more questions than answers.

It is at times frightening to follow hard after God. What might He call me to? What might He require of me? Will I be up to the task? Will I fall? What if no one goes with me, will I still follow? So many questions and no answers but one. Obedience. That is the call that I have witnessed in recent days. I have seen obedience in action. I have watched as it has carved its niche in the life of a dear friend. I have seen its mark of loyalty in the life of a fellow-traveler. All of this I have seen and wonder. How Lord? How can all of this be? And yet I know. It is because of obedience and trust in You.

My heart longs for this obedient life. And I pray for the one who has demonstrated this to me. I pray for continued strength for this journey and for the wisdom to hear and to respond as faithfully as one can. May the Lord continue to shower you with "diamonds" and with His divine voice in the shadows of the night. And to your constant and faithful friend, I pray for peace in the journey and the tenacity to carry our friend that last leg up the mountain.

"But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.”- James 3:17-18

A New Start

I have been reading a really interesting and thought provoking book called Downpour by James MacDonald. This book is a study in what it means to really know the outpouring of the Holy Spirit in our lives so that we can know continual revival.

How thirsty I am for this type of life. I have lived for so long in the desert of my faith. But, I have been really working through a lot of what I believe has been the problem with moving into a victorious life. I believe that I had grieved the Holy Spirit because my life was not what God would have had for me. And I quenched the Spirit by being disobedient to what He wanted me to do. So for many years, I have wandered about in this dry and arid desert.

But, I have come face-to-face with what I have done. I have confessed all that I know that I have done that grieved the Spirit. And I am praying for the strength to do all that He leads me to in order to not quench the Spirit. I believe that this is a new beginning for me. I am overwhelmed with the grace of God. When I stop to think of the pit that I lived in for such a long time and how He through His mercy brought me back to His side - I am in total awe. How good God is. And how holy. May I never lose sight of that.

This morning as I was reading in Joshua, chapter 23 the 2-1/2 tribes that went back across the Jordan built a large altar upon their return. The tribes on the western side saw this and immediately jumped to the conclusion that their brothers were going to offer sacrifices in a place other than where the Ark was. They were ready to wage war. But.... the truth was - the 2-1/2 tribes were building something to remind them of all that God had done in their lives.

I am determined to build a marker for this time in my life. I want to have a place where I can go to remind myself of where I was and where I have been and start a new beginning. I want to go back to that place now and again to remember God's holiness, His mercy and His love. Perhaps it will be a memorial that someday I will share with my kids to show them and help them to see how big and how great is our God.

My picture above was from when I was a little girl. Innocent and untouched by the sin of this world. I will never again be that little girl. But, I can start anew and fresh and walk as a child with the Holy Spirit as my guide. I have learned a lot and I have grown a lot. And I now know my greatest desire is to walk hand-in-hand with my Lord.

A Pretty Precious Person

Based on the fact that Mother's Day is just around the corner I thought that I would put a poem out that I wrote for my Mom about 5 years ago. This was before my Dad passed away. Mom has weathered a lot over the years and still continues to be the glue that holds the Weimer kids together. I thank God for her faithfulness to Him, to our Dad and to we kids. We have been blessed! I love you dearly, Mom!

A Tribute to My Mom
Mother’s Day 5/11/2003


Can you picture her there?
Can you see where she is?
Can you remember her touch?
Can you feel the love that she gives?

At home in the valley
At the place where she’s been
Our mother, our confidant
Our encourager, our friend.

She has had to be strong
When the times grew tough.
She always found a way to share
Even when there wasn’t enough.

In my mind I can see her
All the memories we’ve made.
In my heart I can feel her
And the patterns she’s laid.

She brought us to life
And nurtured us so.
Her prayers and her love
With each of us go.

A woman of strength, a woman of faith
A woman I cherish now and always.