A Sweet Smelling Aroma

This past week my journey through the Scriptures has situated me in the book of Exodus. Sometimes, I have to admit reading through some of the Old Testament can leave me unmoved, unchanged. But, I have been challenged this time by the truths that God allowed me to see through the travels of the Israelites following their exodus from Egypt.

Here they were recipients of God's provision for their very lives. He saw them safely through the Red Sea as the army of Pharoah were in hot pursuit. He listened to their complaints in the desert when they cried out for food and water. He provided direction for them by day and night. He gave human leadership to guide them in the paths that they were to go. And yet, when they did not see Moses return from the mountain quickly enough, they turned their face away from God and pressured Aaron to create a golden calf that they bowed down in worship to.

God in His righteous anger expressed to Moses that He would destroy the Israelites and make of Moses a great nation. But, Moses pled their case and reminded God that by destroying the wandering host He would be mocked by the world around them. God relented to His desire to destroy them.

Over and over again, the Israelites would fall away in their sin and God would provide a way for them to atone for their wrong-doing. The sweet aroma of sacrifice is spoken about throughout the Old Testament. The very fragrance of penitent hearts seeking forgiveness would reach His nostrils. God in His great love forgave.

How like the Israelites I can be. It seems that I wander about unable at times to see the direction of the Lord or perhaps unwilling to yield to His Will. There are moments where I complain and question His goodness. In fact, whole years have passed where I turned my back on Him and choose to follow idols that brought nothing but death and destruction.

Only because of His great compassion and love for me am I still walking this earth. I have done nothing to deserve His goodness. But, I praise Him for the mercy that He continues to pour out on me. He has made me a sweet smelling aroma. On the altar of forgiveness through the blood of His Son, Jesus Christ, I stand redeemed. The Lord has poured on me the aroma of His love. He has poured on me the aroma of justification. And He has redeemed me from the penalty of my sin by the sweet fragrance of His sacrifice. God, the Father breathes the sweet smelling aroma of my repentant heart and grants me forgiveness.

Oh God, how I long to be an aroma poured out and spent for You. May others who come around me know Your great love through the fragrance that comes from a life that is free from sin and shame because of Your unending mercy and grace.

Feeling Splintered

Have you ever had that feeling that everything about your life is splintered? Little fragments of moments, weeks and years that once made up a life, now broken into shards? That is how I feel tonight.

Just this morning I was praying over the Scripture in Mark, "Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it." And as I read it I was reminded of how many times I have not denied myself - but I have followed the desire of the flesh. Each one of those instances caused a splinter. Some of the splinters remained deeply buried until I made a decision that I would walk in truth before God and others.

Now each splinter must be lanced, removed and the wound cleansed. That does not mean that there will not be scars. Some of the scars are deep and have penetrated into my very soul. Yet, Jesus said that we must deny ourselves and take up our cross. The cross that He asks us to take up is to surrender our will to His. But, if we truly do want to follow Him then the cross must be taken up and our own wills must be denied.

Oh Lord Jesus, as I have prayed in the past I pray all the more earnestly now - please guide me into the center of your Will. Teach me the path that I must take in order to live a life that is congruent. Take the splinters of my life and make of them an altar. An altar where I can pour out my life as an offering that is a sweet smelling fragrance to you.

"O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s a light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!"

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace."

Helen H. Lemmel

Which Way Lord?

There are times where I just wish God would write in big, bold letters across the sky which way He intends me to go. Or perhaps an email sent with high importance. Or how about a special angel that steps in right at the point of decision - grabs my hand and leads me down the right path. But, it does not seem that He works that way. It seems that He wants me to trust that He has given me the direction and then that I walk in that way.

Recently, I have been struggling with a decision that impacts my work life. Through circumstances that are unimportant now I was convinced that I needed to seek out new employment. A casual comment by a friend led me to the Internet and the beginning of a job search. As each phase of the process unfolded I would petition the Lord for direction. If it were to be "stay where you are" then the door would close. If it were to be "move on" then the doors would continue to open. At each successive step the answer was "move on".

Now though as the time becomes closer to when I must make known my intention I have begun to waffle. Back and forth. Should I stay, should I go. I have talked to more people than I can count about the decision and with each counselor came a different perspective and I became more and more confused.

Today though I had opportunity to just draw near to the Lord and talk to Him. I sang my praises to Him and lifted my concerns up to Him. Finally, it came to me. "Carol, I have told you but, you continue to doubt that you have heard Me." That was the message. Simply put. "Do you trust Me?" Wow - was it really Him or was I just thinking it was. No, it really was Him. He reminded me of each step in this process. He reminded me of each request that I had made of Him for confirmation. And so I can come with confidence to the point of decision and know which way the Lord has directed my path.

And so, I press on. New challenges, new people, new perspective. The old will stand as a memorial of what was. Just as stones of remembrance were used in the Old Testament to signify when God answered prayers I will put this day down as a stone of remembrance. God has shown me that He does speak to me. He only asks me now if I will trust that I heard His voice.

Correction and Direction

Psalm 23:4 - Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

How many times over the years have I read or listened to this familiar passage of scripture and the words just passed through my mind and heart without really taking root - until just the other day. I was caught off guard by the phrase "rod and staff". Two totally different tools - with two totally different uses. The rod as seen in scripture often was used as an implement of force. The staff on the other hand is an implement used by the shepherds to guide a wayward sheep back into the fold. The very crook of the staff allowed the shepherd to bring the sheep back by the neck if need be.

So David, the great shepherd of the Psalm noted that the rod and the staff comforted him. How so? How can the rod (correction) and the staff (direction) bring comfort? Ask most anyone and they will tell you that the rod was never something that they saw as comforting. Yet, when kept in view of its purpose - it does bring comfort. The rod was meant to teach through consequences the peril of decisions made. The rod was a teacher. Proverbs says that "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him." So then if we believe that God loves us does it not then make sense that the rod of correction would comfort us? I believe it to be so. The rod of correction is teaching me to become congruent with the will of God. To not have this correction would bring about destruction.

The staff as seen in scripture not only was a guide for the sheep but it also was used to lean on or to help in maintaining a sure footing while walking through the mountains and pasturelands. What a picture that is of the direction that comes from God. He is there willing and able to help guide us in the way that we should go and also there for us to lean on when our way becomes difficult or we become weary from our toil. What a comfort!

The rod and the staff - they do comfort me because I have seen them used mightily in my life as well as in the lives of others. While the way of the rod can be painful at times it is a symbol of God's unrelenting love as my Father. The staff demonstrates again and again His desire to lead me to the still waters that will restore my soul. I will ever seek to praise His goodness and mercy all the days of my life. Thank you Father.

My Mothers' Hands

Recently, my family held an 85th birthday party for my mom. It was a great time to reconnect with my brother and sisters. Most importantly it gave me an opportunity to honor my mother in front of my family. Exodus 20:12 says "Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the LORD your God gives you." I realized that I had let that opportunity slip away before I had an opportunity to honor Dad. I guess as I grow older I realize just how fragile life is and how quickly we can lose our loved ones. I do not want to miss opportunities to honor those who have had an impact on my life.

As I was skimming through some of my poems that I have written over the years I came across this one. It came to me one time when I looked at my hands and realized that I was starting to take on the appearance of my mother's hands.

My Mothers' Hands

As I looked down and viewed my hands
What I saw with amazement was my Mothers' Hands

I wondered as I looked at the spots and the skin
Would these hands show the love of my Mothers' hands?

I thought of the labor, the pain and the toil
Would these hands work like my Mothers' hands?

I remembered the touch, the comfort and care
Would these hands show compassion like my Mothers' hands?

I pondered the skill, the diligence and pride
Would these hands be proficient like my Mothers' hands?

As I looked and viewed my own small hands
I prayed they would become more like my Mothers' hands.

My Mom is an inspiration to me. She has prayed me through some of the darkest times of my life. I honor her today for being a woman of prayer and faith. I honor her for demonstrating to those around her what it means to sacrifice for family. I honor her most of all for her love for the Father and her hearts desire to walk in His light.

Harassed and Helpless

Matthew 9:36 "When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd."

Lately, it seems that due to my characteristic behaviors I find myself feeling just like the crowd that Matthew writes about in the verse above. I feel harassed and helpless. In my head I know that I need to lean on the Shepherd, listen to His voice and follow - but my heart at times leads me in the opposite way into dangerous areas of disobedience. Why is that?

I know that when we come to faith in Christ, we have the fullness of the Godhead indwelling us and that the Spirit takes up residence within us. But, we still continue to want our own way, make decisions a part from Him and at times totally walk opposite of the path that the Shepherd leads us on. This is frustrating to me. There are times where I just think "why can't I just walk as the Shepherd wants me to walk, why do I feel I have to go my own way?"

Last night I spent a lot of the wee hours of the morning thinking about this. It seems that despite all the lessons learned in the past I still struggle with the Lordship of Christ. I choose Him as Savior, but yielding to His Lordship is still an issue. I want to continue to keep my "fingers" in it. Full and complete release of control is very hard for me. And so I make choices that often times are not reflective of the fact that I am the embodiment of Christ here on earth.

Will I ever be surrendered completely? Perhaps that is the problem. Maybe I think that this is something that happens here on earth when in reality the total and complete surrender comes only when we are in heaven. The free will that God gave to us continues to war with the Lord over who is in control. It may be that the war can only be won one battle at a time. Perhaps I am not looking at this as I should. Perhaps I am thinking that complete victory is possible here.

As I was writing this a song came to mind from long ago days. We don't sing these songs much any more but the words are so appropriate for where I am at today. I pray that the words of this old hymn will become real to me today.

Savior, Like a Shepherd Lead Us
by William Bradbury

Savior, like a shepherd lead us
Much we need Thy tender care;
In Thy pleasant pastures feed us
For our use Thy folds prepare:

Blessed Jesus, Blessed Jesus
Thou has bought us, Thine we are;
Blessed Jesus, Blessed Jesus
Thou has bought us, Thine we are.

We are Thine; do Thou befriend us
Be the Guardian of our way;
Keep Thy flock, from sin defend us
Seek us when we go astray:

Blessed Jesus, Blessed Jesus
Hear Thy children when we pray;
Blessed Jesus, Blessed Jesus
Hear Thy children when we pray

Early let us seek Thy favor;
Early let us do Thy will;
Blessed Lord and only Savior
With thy love our bosoms fill:

Blessed Jesus, Blessed Jesus
Thou hast loved us, love us still;
Blessed Jesus, Blessed Jesus
Thou hast loved us, love us still.

Amen and Amen. Blessed Jesus, love me still.

One Square at Friendly's

This morning I spent a couple of spirit-led hours with my dear friend, Becky. I didn't know if we would be able to meet today because of the sleet that was falling when I woke up. But, we braved the elements and headed out.

For the first few minutes we caught up on the latest in the lives of our families but within a short time we got down to the subject at hand. What does it really mean to love God? How many times do you think that discussion takes place at your local restaurant?

On the table-top were a series of small squares of light tan. I began using those as points to our discussion. We talked of how our sin keeps us in a box that Satan uses to his advantage. We are bound by the condemnation that he whispers in our ear. Meanwhile, God is quietly calling to us to remember that He has said "Therefore there is now no condemnation to them that are in Christ Jesus." This led us to wonder why it is that we cannot trust ourselves when it comes to hearing the still small voice of our Father. Why is it that we can hear so clearly the voice of the oppressor, yet the lifegiver we at times refuse to believe we have heard. Is it because we feel we are not worthy of His voice? Or is it because it has just been safer to be in the box. After all, there is nothing really required of us when we live within the boundaries of the past. It becomes safe. It is easy to condemn ourselves for the failures of the past rather than to move past them. It is easier to be co-dependent on ourselves.

Now that was a new square in the discussion. I have suffered from co-dependent behavior most of my life. There has always been something that I have tried to use to fill the emptiness of my spirit. The co-dependency led to a long dry period in my life where I turned away from God and from a spirit-fed life because I felt let down. Why was it that God had allowed this to happen to me? He said that I was fearfully and wonderfully made. If that is so - why would He make me this way? I realized as I discussed this further with Becky that I have now transferred my co-dependent behavior from other people to a co-dependence on my own failures. As long as I muse through them, softly massaging the memories - I can remain in the box.

But, God brings us freedom. He shouts - Perfectly love casts out fear. Why do you want to be in that box that contains you - that keeps you from living the abundant life? Why are you fearful of being who I made you to be? Why are you afraid to share the freedom from sin that I have provided? Do you love me enough? This makes me think of how Jesus said to Peter, "Peter, do you love me?"

Father - my heart's desire is to be totally in love with You, to hear your voice as you whisper your love to me. I pray for the strength to move out of the boxes that I made and to live in the freedom that only You provide. Let me hear Your voice and teach me to hear it and to respond - trusting that I can hear You. Let my spirit be free from the co-dependence on my past. Help me to live in Your trust.

Bless you, Becky. Bless you for your faithfulness to me even when I ran away. Bless you for your fierce desire to live for God. Bless you for being willing to turn to the wolves and say "No, I will not abandon my Father." May God richly bless you for being His daughter and living your life as transparently as you can. May you continue to hear the voice of the Shepherd.

Soul Hunger

Tonight as I typically do on Monday, I spent time with my counselor, Michael. It was good. Painful, but good. Interestingly enough about midway through the conversation he said, "Carol, you seem happy tonight." But by the end of the session I was in tears. Oh what trails we go down in our discussions.

Have you ever thought about what it means to hunger and thirst after righteousness? What is it that makes our soul hunger for the Lord? Why do we try and fill this emptiness with things that are temporal and fleeting? Do we not see that the temporary fixes of this world only lead us to more hunger and a greater thirst? And do we not see that this ravenous hunger is never fully quenched?

How is it that we can fool ourselves into believing that man's affection or admiration can fill what only God can fill? How can we think that food or drink, or the drug of choice can dull the pain of this empty void that only God can fill?

Jesus said that He is the bread of life. He told the woman at the well that He is the living water. That any who drink of Him would never thirst again. So why do we continue to seek out that which He supplies?

There is no greater longing that I have than to be loved unconditionally. I have sought this out in any manner of ways. Most have led to destruction and pain. Some have brought a temporary, earthly love, like that of a child for his mother. But, rather than allow myself to be fully loved by the Father and to be have my soul hunger fed, I have stumbled about in this world looking for what only He can supply.

How I long to seek Him passionately and to know the power of His love in my life. May I find my soul hunger fed by the one Who does love me for who I am in Him. I pray that I would stop seeking out what can only be found in the Truth. The Vine. The Bread of Life. May I continue to see Him clearly and to be drawn to His likeness as I seek Him.

Detached but Not Abandoned

You know I am discovering that being a mom does not become easier as your kids get older - it becomes more difficult. That independence that we taught them to exhibit when they were young children is now a fact of life. They want to try new things, go places without us, make decisions without asking advice, marry someone, on and on it goes. And as a parent you just have to learn how to sit back and take it all in.

What a struggle this has been. I want to hold onto the little ones that I brought into the world. I want to have them come running to me when their hearts are broken, or they have a bad day, or they have something joyful to share. But, that does not happen much anymore. So I hurt.

But, as time goes by I am learning that God is prying yet another layer of co-dependence away from me. He is teaching me that I must detach from my kids. They must learn to live on their own, make their own choices and suffer the consequences or reap the rewards of their decisions. Detachment does not mean that I abandon them. It means that I untie the strings that bind and set my birds free. But oh I do hurt.

In this process though, I find myself running to my Father for the comfort that He has so longed to give to me. He is my constant friend - there to guide - there to love - there to encourage. Why has it taken so long for me to run to Him? Why did I fight this battle for so long?

A song by Point of Grace has really touched my heart of late. It is called "Broken Thing" The last part of the song says "You found beauty in this broken thing Made angels dance with wounded wings I can't imagine anything more beautiful. You took the damaged part of me Restored what little dignity was left inside Was left inside this broken thing. I know I'm not worthy of this Never ending perfect love." I am a broken thing. God is restoring my dignity slowly through experiencing the loss of all that was and is familiar. Bit by bit my love for Christ is overshadowing all of the pain of the past. I find my thoughts turn more to living in His presence than finding peace in this present moment.

Yes, I am learning to detach. But, I am not abandoned. My Father, who loves me unconditionally never has left my side.

The Only Blemish

It has always been interesting to me about how we Christians express things. No wonder people who do not know the Lord question our beliefs. A case in point was today when a believing co-worker of mine shared with me that the only blemish a particular family had was the divorce between one of his siblings and their spouse. Now I don't know about you - but the term blemish has some very negative connotations to me.

While divorce is certainly not God's best for a family does God see it as a blemish on His family? When I think of a blemish it is something that detracts from the beauty of an object. Does the divorce between two people who love the Lord detract from the beauty of the family of God? Or can it demonstrate to the world that we too struggle with the issues of life? I believe it is the later.

Throughout scripture God allowed us to share in the lives of many of His saints who certainly could be seen as blemishes on the family of God. From the very beginning of time man has fallen short of God's best. Abraham lied about his wife Sarah being his sister in order to avoid the wrath of the Egyptian king. David lusted after another man's wife, slept with her and then killed the husband to cover his tracks. On and on the stories go. Why? Wouldn't you think that if God saw all of these activities as blemishes that He would not have exposed them to the readers of His word?

God allows this I believe in order for us to be able to compare what is perfect - God in His purity - and that which is not. Yet how does He see us? He sees us through the shed blood of His perfect Son, Jesus Christ. He sees us not as we are in our flesh but as we are though the Spirit of God. Because of our acceptance of the free gift of Salvation by Grace we no longer bear the blemishes of our sin. We wear the scars of our King.

Turn and Live

Cast away from you all the transgressions which you have committed against me, and get yourselves a new heart and a new spirit! Why will you die, O house of Israel? For I have no pleasure in the death of any one, says the Lord GOD; so turn, and live. Ezekiel 18:31-32.

Why would we choose to die? Why indeed. I ask that question of myself periodically when I go back through the passages of time and see where I chose disobedience against the Will of God.
When I came across the verses in Ezekiel last week in my reading it struck me about God's heart. Note the last sentence where the inspired writer says that God has no pleasure in the death of any one. Any one. Not just the just but the unjust. Not just those that walk in the way but those that find themselves off the path. He loves them all. He takes no pleasure in their death.

So why then do we die spiritually? We die because we do not "Turn and live". We continue to follow the broad way that leads to destruction rather than making a turn and following the way that leads to God. In that we die.

What does it take to turn and live? For me it has meant coming to the place where I realized fully that the path I was on was leading me to not only physical death but more importantly to spiritual death. Yes, I was saved; but, I was dying spiritually in that I could not hear the voice of my Father. I heard only the voice of the one who would steal me away from the heart of God. Bit by bit my flame of passion for the things of God eroded away until I could no longer feel His presence.

Because of God's great love for me, He used the everyday situations of life and my family to show me how great was my need of Him. I could no longer walk in the "strength" of my own decisions. I had to come to the end of myself and realize that it was in my weakness that His strength could sustain me. The road became more and more lonely and dark until finally I was able to say enough.

In the past two months I have begun to see that the blessing of turning comes in knowing that I am walking toward the Light. I am walking closer to the Lover of my Soul. I am hearing the sweet sound of the Holy Spirit once again. New people have come into my life and have brought me great joy. And some of my friends from days gone by have returned. It is like a breath of clean air.

God loves us all the same. He sees our great need. He provided a means of salvation through the shed blood of His precious Son. All He asks of us is that we accept the free gift of grace and bow our knee to the Lordship of Christ. Turn and live - may you find your way back!

Quiet Waters

This past weekend my two sisters, Connie and Judy, my niece, Alyson and my dear Mom spent a girls weekend together with me at our cabin. At one point my sisters and I went for a walk down by the creek that runs through the property. I remembered how it rushed through the woods in the early spring when the winter snows had melted and the rains have fallen. Now though after a long and dry summer and fall, the creek has all but gone dry. It quietly flows across the rocks with hardly a sound. The leaves fall into the water and drift through the bends and curves of the stream unable to stop their journey except if snagged by a limb or washed to dry ground.

I was thinking about this a lot as I looked at this picture. Like the spring, when my faith was new, I was like the rushing stream. Always loudly announcing my presence and rushing to the next bend in the flow. But as the years went by, like the dryness of summer, my faith grew dry and my voice quiet. What is the cause of that? When my faith was new it was when I was plugged into the Source. There was no contention for who was the center of my life. My beliefs and my behaviors were in response to living connected to the source of life. Unfortunately, I started to be less and less relient on God and more and more on myself or others to feed the stream of my faith. Over time the stream of faith became quieter and drier.

One thing that I noticed though in this stream is that the water is still continuously flowing. There is no break in it. The stream is still living and providing nourishment to those along the way that draw from it. That gave me hope. Just as the stream will be replenished when the next rain comes or the winter snow melts I too can be replenished by the refreshing rain that comes from the Father.

Where does that rain come from? He sends them through the blessings of my life. The Word of God - His love letter to me. I found a renewed passion for the Word. As each day begins I find myself drawn to linger longer and longer in His Word. The stream grows stronger. My family and friends. They encourage me and enable me to see the light through the darkness. The counsel of wise men and women - who share with me God's Word and guide me in the path that my life may take. The stream begins to flow and overwhelm its banks. It spills over into the lives and hearts of those that I come in contact with. I rejoice in the journey. Each bend in the path of the water confronts me with yet another way to trust and obey my Father. I pray that I will become more and more conformed to the image of the giver of Life.

God has been the stream in my desert. He has seen me through the driest, saddest part of my life. The flowers in the desert bloom as the life giving water awakens life within me.

Roots of Shame

Interestingly, I have been thinking a lot lately about trees. Perhaps it is because it is a season of the year that I love. When the trees become "stars". Their bright foliage like bright lights that show off the grandeur of God's creation. For a brief time, they in their death - show off the brightness of life. Yes, I love trees. I love the ways that their roots can go deep into the earth to find the precious waters that bring growth and fruit. I love the shade that they provide and the coolness they bring in the heat of the summer. I love the way that they sway gently in the wind, their suppleness apparent by the fact that it take great and mighty gusts to topple them.

While I have been thinking of trees, I also have been thinking about shame. The roots of shame go deep. They wind their way through the years of memories, condemnation, judgement and pain. And they seek out the source of strength that comes from the brackish waters of satan's vile deceptions. The trees that bloom from the roots of shame are not beautiful. They do not contain the beautiful leaves or the shade that cools our face. They seek to hide us from the "sonlight" and to keep the gentle breeze of the Spirit from lifting us up out of the pit.

As long as Satan can continue to keep the roots of our shame fed - the tree will continue to grow - until it crowds out any of the beauty of growth that only God can give. This has been the lot of my life these past many years. But no longer. I am committed to starving out the roots of the tree of shame. I have been justified by Christ. I have been redeemed from the penalty of death by His grace. I no longer am bound by the sins that have kept me in shame for far too long.

The beauty of the tree - the beauty of the Tree of Life. All of these things are awakening in me a new reality that God desires for me, all of us that have come into His heavenly kingdom that we must not give in to the shame that sin causes. We must repent of our sin, turn from it and leave it at the cross. To take it up is to reject what Christ has done for us.

Praise you, Jesus. Praise you for being the Life Giver. May the roots of my life go deep to the sweet water of Your word that I may grow in the "Sonlight".

Living a Reba Life

Recently I have found myself addicted to a sit-com that portrays a disfunctional family where the mom (played by Reba) continues to deal with the repercussions of her ex-husbands choices. She befriends (though not by her own choice) the "other" woman and deals with the high school pregnancy of her elder daughter and sweetheart. Through it all Reba maintains a strong position within the family and hides from all who see her the pain and rejection she must have felt.

Some may ask why I watch such silly drivel. I mean after all what woman would have the woman who wrecked her marriage in her home let alone be her best friend. Why would she continue to even interact with the man who wrecked havoc on the family that she had such pride in? But as I watch it I am always drawn to some of the parallels of my own life.

The "Reba Life" is one where she looks beyond what happened to her and tried to find a way to keep the spirit of the family alive. She worked hard at putting aside her own pain and focusing on managing the hopes and dreams of her children. Sometimes she even allowed herself the luxury of losing her temper and voicing the pain that was a part of her every day existence. Her life was changing fast. Who she was and who she wanted to be were not the same. She could not just sit and struggle with the result - she had to get beyond it.

In the real world we don't have the fairy tale situation that this "Reba Life" portrays. I would love at time to scream at the pain that has been such a part of my life these past seven years. Sometimes I want to shake my fist at my family and say "Don't you see me", "Can't you feel my pain and walk through this with me?" But, I don't. I hide behind a plastic smile and manage to get on with things. Yet, inside I hurt and yearn for the days that have escaped me. Choices were made and decisions made that cannot be undone. I am trying to learn how to get beyond it.

Reba seems to be true to herself. She does not allow people to walk all over her. She speaks her mind and deals with the reality of her world. That is what I want for myself. I want to be able to be of a single mind. I want to have my life be congruent with what I know that God has for me. I believe that the only way that I can have a life that is fulfilled and a life of true significance is to get beyond the sin and heartache of the past and live as the beloved of Christ that I am. I need to focus on being a child of God. Live in obedience to the known will of God and to seek to be more and more in love with the lover of my soul.

Life after sinful choices is not a comedy. It is an effort to move through every day. It is an effort to see the good in what has occured. It is an effort to let go of what was. But, it is possible to find life again. Only through the forgiveness that God provided through the death of His dear son can I walk worthy of this love. How thankful I am that my life has meaning because meaning comes from God. All that I am and all that I ever hope to be - I surrender to You, Father. May the very breath that I breathe be wholly unto you.

Peace in the Valley

Recently, my husband David and I traveled up through the northern hills of Pennsylvania. While wending our way up through many of the beautiful state parks that grace our state I was reminded again and again about the variety of God's creation. There are hills and valleys, trees and barren fields, lakes, rivers and streams abound. How beautiful.

Like a reflection of life, creation cries out loudly of how marvelous our God is. Variety and choice. Each life is filled with hills and valleys. The hills can represent conquests or trials. The valley low points or peace. It is all in how we view it. Around each bend is an unknown.

We go through life always looking for what is around the corner or over the next hill. We seldom rest in the valley that God places us in. The valley is a place of peace. The hills that surround the valley protect the wanderer from the winds that blow. In the valley peace can be found. But it requires that we stop and look and think about what it is that God is trying to teach us. We worry way more about getting out of the valley more than concentrating on spending time with our Creator.

It seems that the valley experience of life is something we should be grateful for rather than always seeking to move on to higher ground. God in His own time will move us to the next place we are to dwell as we travel the road to Him.

God's Mercy, My Need

In the past week, I have been reading the book of Nehemiah. It has been an awakening of sorts for me. Over the years when I have done the Bible through in a year, I have read through this book. But, for some reason, this time it has hit me in a way that is truly from God.

In the 9th chapter, there is a prayer of sorts where the people of Israel are reminded of their continual falling away from the Lord. And then they are reminded of the continual mercy that has been given to them by their heavenly Father. Over and over again, the auther goes through the sequence of events and it always ends with God's undying mercy.

This has been the saga of my life too. Over and over again, God in His mercy has pulled me out of the pit of sin and despair because of His love and mercy. I would rise up out of the pit and then for a season of time, I would walk close to His side. Then as time would go by, something or some one would entice me away from His side and I would once again slide back into the pit. But, God never leaves those that He loves. And oh how He has proven His love for me.

As I think over these things I wonder why it is that I fall away. I wonder what would ever cause me to leave the one that loves my soul. The wicked one, who entices me to fall uses those areas of my personality that are easily moved. I must put myself into the hands of the only one who can overcome the evil one. Jesus, who conquered sin and death when He surrendered Himself for my sake. Oh how great is His love and His mercy.

My view today is one of light. The light of God's love. The light of God's mercy. And His never ending promise that He will never leave me nor forsake me. I pray that today - I can walk in the light of His love and to accept the gift of Mercy that has taken care of all of my need.

A Little Leaven

Mark 8:10-13 "And straightway he entered into a ship with his disciples, and came into the parts of Dalmanutha. 11 And the Pharisees came forth, and began to question with him, seeking of him a sign from heaven, tempting him. 12 And he sighed deeply in his spirit, and saith, Why doth this generation seek after a sign? verily I say unto you, There shall no sign be given unto this generation. 13 And he left them, and entering into the ship again departed to the other side."

I don't think until today that I ever noticed the phrase "And he sighed deeply in his spirit...". Jesus was frustrated by the questions and doubts of the Pharisees and also of his own disciples. Deep in his soul he was touched with the pain of rejection. And I found today that I have also caused Him the pain deep in his soul because I too have been like the Pharisees.

How easy it was to play for the wrong audience. I realize that I have sought the approval of those around me and of those that I love more than the approval of the "Lover of my Soul". I Corinthians 5:6 says "Your boasting is not good. Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump of dough?" I allowed myself to get caught up in pleasing the world around me. And it took me down.

As I sat in church today, I came to the point where I saw myself for who I am today - and who I long to become tomorrow. I have been a modern day Pharisee. Tomorrow I long to be a daughter of the King. May my focus be on living a life that is true to the Word of God and that I may be found well pleasing by my Father.

The Promise of the Rainbow

The Promise

How often I reflect back to the day that this picture was taken. It was my birthday, nearly 3 years ago. My father had just passed away 3 days before and on my birthday a beautiful rainbox graced the farm. It was like a reminder that Dad sent to us that God had indeed kept His promise.

When God first sent the sign of the rainbow it was meant to remind Noah that a promise had been made by God to all generations yet to come. The promise of "salvation" from a flood of the type Noah had experience. Each time the descendents of Noah saw this symbol in the sky, they too could rejoice in the miracle of God's promise.

The salvation that God promised to us through the blood of Christ is something that we look forward to in this life. We live redeemed here on earth, yet we still struggle with the sin that is a part of our lives and the world around us. Only when we see Him face to face and the promise is completely fulfilled will we truly understand the depth of his love and forgiveness.

Each day as I go through the challenges and frustrations of this life I look at this picture and others like it and remind myself that God is faithful. He does not give us more than what we can handle. He provides a way of escape for us. And He has promised that if we but lay our burdens down - He will faithfully take them up. I ask Him daily to give me the strength that I need to overcome the weakness that beats me down and to live a life that is a reminder to others of how great is the love of the Father.

Today a view from the chair is one of thankfulness. Thanks be to God for His abundant mercy, grace and love. Thanks be to God for forgiveness of sins and complete restitution because of the blood of His precious son. Thanks be to God for His patience and goodness that is new every day. I long for the day when I too can stand by my earthly father at my heavenly Father's throne.

I Look to the Hills

I remember when I was a small child my folks had a wall hanging that quoted Psalm 121:1, "I will lift up my eyes to the hills - from whence comes my help?" I would look out our back window to the hills in the valley where I lived and think that strength came from looking up at them. Over the years I would climb to the top of the hill and look over the valley and feel a sense of calm as I reflected on all the activities of life.

But as the years went by I realized that the hills themselves only provided a brief respite from all the trials and pain of life. The psalmist goes on to say in the next verse, "My help comes from the Lord, Who made heaven and earth." There is the answer. I was looking at the wrong source of help. Help does not come from earthly things - it comes only from Our Father Who made them.

So many times we get caught in the deceptions of Satan. He provides avenues of temporary relief. Sometimes in the form of substances, such as alcohol or drugs and sometimes in the form of a "friend". We can become addicted to the relief that they bring, only to realize just as I did years ago that it is temporary. The let down each time becomes even more acute and the desire for relief even more profound. These addictions destroy relationships and reputations. It brings destruction and pain. And yet - the addited soul looks continually for its relief.

It is only as we bring our addiction to the foot of the cross and give it to the only one Who can lift us up from the pit that we begin to see that our true help has been provided and was there all along. Sadly, in the process we pay the price for our sin along the way. Often times even those that we love must pay for the choices we make.

Now when I look to the mountains I do not view them as the source of my help. I look at them as a reminder of how easy it was for me to be deceived. I cry out now to my Father and bow to Him in total surrender to how he wants me to live. My strength comes from my Father. There is no substance, no friend and no human love that can truly bring that kind of strength into our lives.

A view from the chair today is one of clarity. I see that God provides images such as hills to remind us of His promises from the Scripture. I am grateful each day for that provision.