I Am

Exodus 3:14 "God said to Moses, "I am who I am. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: 'I AM has sent me to you.' "

The past couple of days I have been thinking a lot about the phrase "I am". Think about how often we say it. "I am hungry." "I am tired." "I am grumpy." On and on it goes. But what does it really mean to say I am (fill in the blank). When we say that we are taking on that characteristic and defining ourselves with it.

Jesus said this of Himself in many different contexts. He said, "I am the vine", "I am the bread of life", "I am the resurrection and the life." So He was defining Himself by that characteristic. Where did that all begin?

In Exodus, Moses had an encounter with all mighty God. And when Moses asked Him who he should say sent him to the Israelites, God replied "I am who I am." To me what this says is that God is the embodiment of all characteristics. He defined them all. And so when Jesus says He is the resurrection and the life - He is not just saying that He represents resurrection - he is saying that He is the resurrection. All that the resurrection and the life means is wrapped up in Him. He is the embodiment of it.

Each of these statements that Jesus made about Himself are then applied to us. If I believe that Jesus is what He says of Himself then I am believing that Jesus is the vine, Jesus is the bread of life and Jesus is the Resurrection and the Life. And what this means to me personally is that I take my spiritual nourishment from Him and that my resurrection and my life is secured in Him.

Believing this then should impact the way that I live. Taking my spiritual nourishment from Him means that I seek after Him with all of my heart, soul, mind and body. No matter what the circumstances of life deal to me I need to stay connected to the one true vine for all the strength that He provides.

Dying to self means living in the resurrection. Living in the resurrection means that sin and its penalty are paid for and I can live in the light of His grace. No longer bound by the chains of the past or the fear of the future. New life blooms.

Maybe it is just me but "I am" has taken on a whole lot more meaning to me. "I am His and He is mine."

Inauguration

The past couple of days I have been thinking a great deal about the inauguration. The hoopla of the press, the expense, the whole thing. It took me back to 8 years ago. It was January 2001 and I was sitting in a small apartment in Connecticut with one of my dearest friends. My world was teetering on the brink of disaster. A new president was being sworn in - and all I could think about at that time was "who cares."

Fast forward eight years. Much of the pending disaster that was on the table in 2001 happened. My world did crash. My family did suffer through tremendous heartache. My life spun out of control. And yet, there was God. He was there, reaching out to me, rescuing me from the sin and shame that I had brought on myself. And a new passion for Him ignited.

We are on the cusp of a new administration. A new personality will now govern our great land. And there is still a very real part of me that says "who cares." It is not that I don't love our country - I do. It is mostly that I realize more and more that I am not really a citizen here. My home is with my Father who saw me through all the pain and heartache of the past decade. All of what happens here is but a moment in time. I desire to focus on the eternal.

Some day there is going to be an inauguration that will make our feeble attempts seem small and insignificant. I thought about the verses in Isaiah 6:1-3

In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another: "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory."

The whole earth will be filled with the glory of the Lord Almighty. Every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord to the Glory of God the Father. This inauguration will far surpass anything that man has ever seen or contemplated in his heart or mind.

So maybe saying "who cares" about our presidential inauguration is wrong. It probably is. Maybe it is more of a "ho hum". I know that my Father who has created both heaven and earth sees and hears all that is transpiring now. And He has allowed it all. But, there will come a day, and it may be soon when the haughty hearts of man will be humbled and the rightful ruler will be inaugurated. All praise, glory and honor be given unto the Lamb that was slain!

All hail King Jesus!

Back in the Saddle Again

Okay, so it is 2009 and I am nearly 14 days into and no blog entries. It is not that I have had nothing to write - it is because I have not had a computer (personal) to do my blogging on.

What happened? Well, right before Christmas I committed the cardinal sin and had a drink close to my laptop. And as you can imagine the worst thing happened. The chair bumped the laptop which bumped the glass which proceeded to spill on the keyboard. Suddenly I heard the snap of electricity and water colliding. For those of you who have never heard it - it is one of those sounds that makes you get a bit sick inside. Sizzle, crack and pop and suddenly no picture, no computer and therefore, no blog.....

But just like MacArthur - "I have returned!" Hopefully, this year will be better than last with my writing and sharing with you what God has done in my life. 2008 certainly was a year of great growth. Some of it came through pain and some came through the lessons learned from others. But, all of it was good. All of it was from the hand of God to teach me and draw me nearer to Him. I am so blessed!!!

I decided to pick a verse for 2009 to pursue and to challenge my walk. It is probably a familiar one to many of you.

Psalm 90:12 "Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom."

A heart of wisdom. And that all starts with the fear of the Lord. I walk in humble fear of the Father. I know that He has great plans for me in this year and that it will require perseverance and diligence. I pray that in the months to come that you will follow along in my journey and I commit to you that I will be as genuine as I can be to express His heart through my words.

To those who have been wondering where in the world is Carol - well now you know.

Stay tuned!!!

Immanuel - God With Us

Christmas has always been a precious time to me. From the time I was a little child old enough to appreciate the beautiful music and the family traditions to now as a middle-age adult I have loved the time of reflection.

Immanuel - God With Us. Jesus, the Son of God, became flesh for me. Me. Have you stopped to consider exactly what that means? I am thinking that many, like me have taken for granted all that He relinquished to become man.

Imagine being surrounded by angelic beings, all awaiting the words that fell from your lips. All of heaven's hosts singing and praising you for who you are. Being in constant communion with the Father. Never experiencing hunger, cold, pain. Not any of it. He was very God.

And yet, there was love. God's love. For us. Me. You. Each in our own sin, each deserving of nothing. And yet, there was love. Love poured out. Love relinquished heaven's glory. Love surrendered position. Love transcended time and space.

In Isaiah 7:14 the prophecy concerning the Savior was revealed. "Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel." Immanuel, God with us. Stop and let that thought pour into your mind and heart. God - with - us. It is almost overwhelming to consider.

And so to earth, He came. He took on all of what it means to be human. He faced what no other has ever faced. He took on the complete and terrible punishment for our sin, my sin. He felt my pain, he took on my guilt, he paid my debt. God, very God became flesh for me.

When I gaze at that little baby wrapped protectively in the arms of His mother, Mary I am humbled. There are not words to express the gratitude that I feel at this season of my life for the One who came to save my soul. Immanuel, thank You for being here with us!

Reflections on Psalm 103

Psalm 103:12 "as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

Sometimes as I sit in church on any given Sunday the message seems to be all around me. But, today, the message was through me. Surrounding me. Enveloping me in the arms of the one who died to save my soul. The thought of Christ nailed to that cross, dying an agonizing death for me brought tears to my eyes and caused gratitude to well up within me.

Perhaps it is because of late I have been feeling really lonely. I don't know. But, somehow this passage renewed in me the realization that I cannot count on human love to meet my need. My failures in human relationship have worn me down. I feel at times incapable of knowing what a healthy relationship even looks like.

I have spent way too much effort on "fixing things". I have been reminded of that recently. I have tried to protect those that I love from making mistakes. I have at times robbed my children of the freedom that they need to become adults. Why is that? Is it because I see myself as responsible for their choices when in fact, they are no different than I - they must choose for themselves.

Rather than focusing though on the negatives, I was reminded this morning of how much we give up peace and strength when we are not grateful, when we do not count our blessings. As I focus my attention on bringing honor to God it will become less and less important to me how I am perceived. It is after all about Him. Not me.

As I learned this morning from this psalm David reminded us that it all starts with a fear of God. Three times he mentions this. "For as high as the heavens are above the earth so great is His love for them that fear him." and "As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him" and finally, "But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children".

Our fear of God, fear of the justice of God, fear of His righteousness, fear of Who He is should cause us to humbly call out to Him in gratitude for the cross. His love is so great, his compassion is all encompassing and His love is everlasting. What more is there? Praise God for His compassion that met me where I am. Praise God for His love that does not fail and lifts my sagging spirit. Praise Him that my sin has been removed as far as the east is from the west. The cross. The blessed cross. How great is that forgiveness.

It's All Just a Vapor

Jeremiah 15:13 "Your wealth and your treasures I will give as plunder, without charge, because of all your sins throughout your country."

Like many, these turbulent times that we live in makes me wonder just how much of what I have worked hard to save will be left. It has become a sickening thing to look at any investments that our family has because with each passing day it seems as though there is less and less there. How sad I feel for those who are nearing retirement only to discover that what they had counted on - is gone. Like a vapor.

Yet, this ought not to surprise those of us who believe the Word of God to be true. Time and time throughout the scripture God has warned against spending that which you do not have, being a borrower, seeking the treasures of this kingdom rather than the kingdom of heaven. Yet, we all go around downcast because what we thought was a sure thing - isn't quite so sure.

Just where is my heart now - in the midst of all this chaos? Am I wallowing in worry, wondering what I will have when I retire? Really, where does it ever talk about retirement in Scripture? Did Paul retire? Did he plan to rest on his laurels when he reached the ripe old age of 65? Some how I doubt it. He was a pretty big proponent of that "if you don't work you don't eat" theory. What exactly am I looking forward to? Is it just sitting around, doing nothing? Or am I looking for ways to be freed up so that I can serve God in a more full-time capacity?

Then I stop and think about that. How can I even contemplate serving God full-time when I am not all that faithful about serving Him part-time. I mean, after all aren't we supposed to be serving Him with our lives day in and day out in the capacity that we are in? Oh I have so many questions about my motivation for doing things. What is the underlying reason for what I do? Is it for my own ease or am I looking for ways to share and to help those that are less fortunate than myself. What exactly am I working toward?

I long to be right minded. I long to really get serious with my relationship with God and to put away the worries about things that really do not matter. There is no guarantee that anything that we have saved for from a financial sense will be there when we go to use it. In the meantime, we ought to be more frugal in the ways that we live so that we can have an open hand to help others. After all - how many coats do I need? How many pair of jeans can you wear? How many houses can you live in? How many? How many?

Father, forgive my selfish heart. Forgive me for looking at the government or the financial industry as a source of security. Until I realize that all that I have comes from you I will continue to be affected by the vapor that is our bank balance.

What Treasure Will There Be?

Isaiah 39:8 "The word of the LORD you have spoken is good," Hezekiah replied. For he thought, "There will be peace and security in my lifetime."

In this chapter of Isaiah, Hezekiah is revelling in his extended life. God granted him 15 additional years of life following a grave illness. Rather than purposing to put that time to good use for God and His kingdom, Hezekiah chose to proudly display all the riches of his kingdom to rulers around him. Basically, he exposed everything that was precious to the prying eyes of those who would later seek to take it all away.

When Isaiah came to warn Hezekiah that what he had done was foolish, Hezekiah basically responded with little regard for the future. He was only concerned with what affected him - the here and now. I can almost hear him now saying, "Well, at least it will be good and safe while I am alive - let the others deal with what comes in the future."

How like that I can be. Concerned with the here and now rather than thinking about what treasures I have exposed to those who would rob my children, my grandchildren and those who come after me. Oh I am not necessarily talking about treasures such as the world seeks, such as money and property. I am talking about the treasures of walking humbly before God, of living a life of integrity, of following hard after truth. All of those treasures I have consistently over time allowed others to steal away from me. I have not guarded my treasure. Nor have I really thought long and hard about what the future may be because of those choices.

I do believe that God intends for us to live in the here and now. I know that we cannot foresee what challenges and trials face us in the future. But, I do believe that God intends us to protect that which we pass down to our children against the thieves that seek to steal what is not theirs. And when we purposely expose our treasures and actually bring the enemy into our homes we risk losing everything.

We need to protect those that we love from the onslaught of the enemies around us. Wisdom says that we make choices that are pleasing to God and not to men. We do not look for ways to impress others with what we have been blessed with. We seek ways to serve our God in the here and now and yet keep a watchful eye that we do not give the enemy any foothold that would allow them to carry away our treasure.

I pray that God would forgive me for being too much like Hezekiah.

The Morning After

1 Corinthians 13:12 "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."

Yes, it is the morning after. For some this is a morning of great jubilation and for others it is a day of sadness. For me it is a day of realization. I realize that I have put way too much energy into this temporary world. Way too much effort in things that are just going to fade away and don't really matter. Stopping to think about this reminds me of 1976 when my very first election did not go the way that I had hoped. Did the world stop turning? Did the sun not rise the next day? Was God taken by surprise?

All politics aside what truly matters is who we reflect. I do not want to be simply known as a democrat or a republican or whatever other political party there may be. I want to known as a Christian. And what does that mean? Really? We are called to be Christ-like. To take on the qualities of our glorious Savior and to become a reflection of who He is in us. Right now, as the verse above says we see a poor reflection but there will come a day where we will see a pure reflection.

This morning as I read Hebrews 2 it spoke of the fact that Christ took on our humanity so that He could understand our suffering. And in so doing he was a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God. He was merciful and He was faithful. Two characteristics that I long to have. To be merciful as Christ was merciful and to be faithful as He is faithful. I want to look beyond myself and what is good for me to what is good for others. I want to reach the point where there is only the reflection of Jesus I see - not a shadow of Carol. And this could and probably will involve suffering. Can I face that?

Our country stands at a great crossroad. Only time will tell what the decision of the people meant. But, I do trust that God is not surprised by this outcome nor is He shaken by it. I do trust that in His sovereignty He rules and reigns. Scripture says that He raises up who He wills to be in human government. Rulers have come and gone and God is still on His throne. Praise be to God.

Elections and the Future

Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."

It has been an interesting few days. Everywhere you go and whoever you talk to - the conversation revolves around the election today. I find myself musing about it more than I probably have in past elections, perhaps because I believe that so much is at stake.

Last night in fact I was unable to sleep. I kept going over and over again some of the things that I have heard or read and wondered how in the world we ever got to this point in our society. I have grown weary of the rhetoric flying from both camps espousing the positive points of their candidate and pointing to the negatives of their opponent. It made me wonder what it was like in elections prior to the advent of the information age.

While I believe in the importance of voting I have found that as I reflect on the two candidates that are running for the office of president that I am glad that God is ultimately my authority. As the verse from Proverbs states God's purpose will prevail.

I have come to the conclusion that for me - it is no longer God and country. For me, it is just God. He is my King. My future does not lie in what happens between Obama and McCain. They are only temporary leaders. They are like me - just dust - just grass that fades away. But, my God, my King is eternal. His purposes will not be thwarted. Even if my candidate does not win - it really does not matter. Ultimately, the choice was fore-ordained before the foundation of the world. It gives me peace knowing that.

This kingdom will pass away. In four more years if the Lord tarries there will be yet another campaign and another election. God willing our country will continue to be the land of the free where we can vote for the candidate of our choice. Ultimately, I believe that unless the hearts of our people become humble before God and realize that all of the blessings we have so freely enjoyed come from Him we will eventually become just as many of the famous societies of history.

God grant our leaders the wisdom to see Him. And God grant our people the compassion to see beyond ourselves to a world that hungers and thirsts for that which we take so for granted.

Forget the Former Things

Isaiah 43:18-19 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

I love God's Word! I am gaining a greater appreciation for its truths each time I read it. And more importantly I gain a greater appreciation for how its truths apply to me.

One of my many struggles in recent years has been letting go of the past. I keep wanting to replay things over and over again. Trying to sort out just exactly what went wrong, what I could have done differently, on and on it goes. But God, in Isaiah 43 says to forget the past, stop dwelling on it. I am doing a new thing! Isn't that great! He is doing a new thing, in me, in you! When I continue to go back and try to relive the past, good or bad, it is an affront to Him. He is wanting us to live in the present and to look for the new things that He wants to teach us. This is so freeing to me.

By continuing to wallow in the past I am denying myself God's best. God's best is in the present. Right now. What is the new thing that God has for me? Am I anxiously looking for it or am I wasting time looking over my shoulder at old news? Oh that I would forget all of that and keep myself focused on the prize. When Paul spoke to the Philippians he said "Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." He too must have been as I am. We know from historical records in the scripture that Paul had a past that he could have continued to focus on. But, he chose the better way - he chose to press on.

Oh that we all could see the wonderful love that God has extended to us in these verses. He continues to look at the desert places of our lives and bring about new life. Just as in the natural desert there are places where beautiful flowers bloom. In the seemingly arid areas, God brings forth life. And not just dull, colorless life but breathtaking beauty that is a stark contrast to the environment around it. Streams of living water flow through the wasteland of our lives bringing back to life that which was dying. Our God is a good God. Our God longs to show us His steadfast love and to shower us with the blessing of His presence. How great is His love toward us!

Press forward and look for the new thing that God wants to shower you with. Search for it with a passionate heart. Search for it expectantly. Search for it with a grateful heart knowing that God has given you permission to let go of the former things! And if He says let it go - why would we want to hold on?

Musings from Wykoff

2 Timothy 1:5 "I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also."

Heritage is a wonderful thing. As I am packing up to leave yet another Weimer Women Weekend at Wykoff I am reminded of that. My niece, Alyson represents a fourth generation Weimer who has put her faith and trust in Jesus Christ. What a blessing to stop and consider that!

I think of each one of my family members and am gripped by the power of the attachment that we hold to one another. There have been plenty of storms in our lives. My mom reminded me of this today as she got in the car to drive away. And there have been blessings too - so many and all of them (storms and blessings) have been gifts from God. I am growing to understand that it is only through the storms can I truly appreciate the blessings.

Life has been a bit stormy for me of late. Mostly because of relationships. God has impressed upon me today as I had these last quiet moments here at our little mountain hideaway that He wants me to put relationships on that altar. Oh God, it is so hard. I want to hold onto them with all the strength that I have. Then I pause and think - "What strength do I have that has not been given to me by God?" Perhaps this is where I have fallen short. Maybe I have been trying to hold onto relationships or fashion them in my own strength. I have been seeing them through my eyes, my needs, my wants. This is where idolatry comes from. As I have jokingly said many times "It is all about me!" Maybe there was more truth to that than I really want to admit.

And so, as another Weimer Women Weekend at Wykoff comes to an end I purpose to put relationships on the altar. I pray that God will direct how I live in relationship. I pray that I will see those who are a part of my world through His eyes - not mine. I pray that I will seek first His kingdom and His righteousness.

Thank you Weimer women for being my prayer partners and listening to the heart of one who has at times wandered far. Your faithfulness to me is beyond my comprehension. God is good!

Lay My Isaac Down

Genesis 22:2 Then God said, "Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about."

Lately I have been thinking about Abraham. I guess it is because right now I have an Isaac in my life that God is asking me to take to Moriah and sacrifice to Him. And I don't want to do it. I wonder - did Abraham question God? I have to think that he did. After all, Abraham was as human as I. Yet, he did what was required in obedience. How did he leave his home, leave Sarah and walk that long walk to Moriah without turning back? Where did his strength come from? How did he avoid telling Isaac about what was to come? All these questions I have.

Yet, Abraham was faithful. He followed God's command and he brought that precious Isaac to the point of death believing that God had his good in mind. He had to - or he would not have been able to do it. There is no way that Abraham in his humanness could have lifted that knife to take the life of his only son if he did not believe more deeply in the goodness of God.

Can I do that? Can I take that which has become too precious, too consuming and place it on the altar? Can I willingly lift the knife to take the "life" of my Isaac so that I too can experience the ultimate goodness of God? Not in my own strength. That I know. The strength to be obedient must be supplied by God Himself.

And what of Isaac? How did he respond to all of this? God's word is silent on this. But it is fairly easy to imagine that he must have felt betrayed and hurt by the actions of his father. I mean after all - what son would ever expect to die at the hands of their father? But, the blessings that Isaac experienced in his life were only possible because of the obedience of his father. I wonder if the "Isaac" in my life will ever come to understand that. I can only pray that will be true.

Life is a series of surrenders. And a series is continual. There is no stopping. Not if you really want to experience the wholeness of the life that God intends. It is only, as I am learning, as I am willing to lay down each "Isaac" that I truly will be ready to experience God's full and complete blessing.

Principles or Prescription?

Romans 12:1-2 Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual[a] act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Growing up I attended two different types of churches. Both good in their own way and both bad as well. The first taught that you could lose your salvation. So each Sunday the altar filled with repentant sinners once again asking God to save them. We later moved to another church where legalism reigned supreme. No longer did we worry about our salvation being lost - we now worried about the do's and don'ts. There was a laundry list of things that good Christian's didn't do. Christianity didn't come across very joyful to me in those days.

All along the way, I have questioned why. Why is it that man has such a struggle with simply listening to what God's word says. Why do we feel that we have to "clarify" it by making our own little lists and prescribed ways of doing things?

God did not set down a book of rules. Yes, there are some in His word. Do not kill, do not steal, do not bear false witness, do not commit adultery... Those are very clear cut and non-negotiable. But, He never said, "Do not attend a football game on Sunday, do not go to a bowling alley if there is a bar attached, do not have a glass of wine, etc. What the word of God has given to us in these gray areas are principles to live by not prescriptions.

Do all to the glory of God, offend not your weaker brother, remember the judgement seat of Christ. All of these statements in Scripture are meant to be used as principles to guide us in our decision making. Some are more vertical as in the statement to do all to the glory of God and some are horizontal as in do not offend your weaker brother. When we are confronted with decisions about what we should or should not do - can we honestly say that we keep these living principles in mind?

When Paul wrote in Romans that we were to present our bodies as living sacrifices and that we were to be holy and pleasing unto God he was not giving us a prescription of how to do that. There were not step-by-step instructions on how to live this Christian life. What he did say was that we were to not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of our minds. When people wonder what it means to be conformed to this world, I think that it is because they do not want to put the principles into practice. Can I do this and bring God glory? Can I do this and not offend my brother? Hard things to do but I believe that is what God intended.

A living sacrifice. That is what all of this means to me. To sacrifice what I want or what my freedom in Christ has given me in order to not offend. Laying down my wants to bring God glory. This is the principle of life. Not a laundry list of do's and don'ts. I have grown weary of trying to live up to standards set by fallible humans. I want to live the energized and joyful life that God intended. And this can only be done by putting into practice the principles of His word. And this only can be done by continually submitting to His Spirit as He speaks to us. This then is my earnest plea - "God, help me to be conformed to the image of your dear son that I may walk in abundance of joy."

The Depths of His Love

Psalm 71:20 "Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.

Recently, Dave and I were in New Mexico and had the opportunity to see some of the wonders of creation. Carlsbad Caverns was no exception. Yet, I must say I am not a big cave fan..... I think it is the smell. The dank, dreary, drippy nature of the cave that just makes me feel claustrophobic. But, when you are confronted with the opportunity to see a national treasure you plunge on.

So we began our descent. It is a 1.3 mile trek from the beginning of the path to where the beginning of the Great Room begins. The entire trip down I kept feeling more and more constricted and the smell of bat guano was making my head spin. Yet the further down I got the more determined I was to find the treasure that lay at the bottom.

I guess I feel like life has been a bit like this cave excursion for me. Slowly over time I made the descent into the black darkness of sin and deception. Sometimes there would be unseen hands reaching out to me. Some of those hands were trying to pull me up and others were attempting to thrust me further down into the depths. There even were times where I felt I was free-falling into the abyss and wondering if ever there would be that hard knock that would indicate that I had reached the bottom.

The verse from psalms talks of the fact that life is full of troubles and bitterness and so many other negative things. And yet just as there were beautiful gifts of stalagmites and stalagtites at the bottom of the cave there was an end to my struggle where once again I could feel the restoring hand of the Father upon me. The ascent into the light has been welcome. Just as it was at Carlsbad. The air becomes lighter and the claminess disappears. And then in brilliant glory, sometimes painful in its presence, is the sun. Suddenly, all that was dark and mysterious is gone and it is replaced with light and life.

Our Father has taken me up from the depths of despond and has set my feet once again upon the solid rock. His Sonshine permeates my sould with its light and promises to expose those areas of my being that still want to travel down the dark and dreary path to the bottom. I am resting on His unchanging grace. I am relishing in His mercy that took that lost soul from the bottom, from the despair and brought me up to newness of life. Praise God.

The Insurance Dilemma

Okay - I will admit it. I am getting old. In fact, I have just crested the hill of my 50's and am sliding down the other side. Tonight, my husband and I spent two hours talking with an insurance salesman about long term care insurance. Talk about depressing!!!!

But, now that he has gone and I am sitting back and thinking about it - what we were talking about was a temporary thing. Something to tide us over until our homegoing. Something to keep the nest egg safe so that the kids will have something when we are gone. Just because I am thinking about this doesn't mean it is ever going to happen. I mean after all, the Lord could come back tonight and it would all be for naught. I could be raptured home and never have to spend one minute of time in a nursing home.

The bigger thought that came to my mind was the idea of insurance in terms of eternity. How often have I treated my salvation like an insurance policy. Live like you choose, Carol, after all you have "fire insurance". Sad, but I bet there are other people out there besides myself that have looked at their salvation in such a flippant way.

Our salvation though came at a premium price that cannot be described in dollars and cents. Our salvation cost God the death of His precious Son. Jesus gave up His throne in heaven to come to earth as a man, suffer unspeakable pain in order to pay for my sin. How can this be taken lightly? How can we not reflect on the cost of our redemption?

This policy purchased by my Savior is for my eternal care. Not just for long term care - but eternal. Can I even comprehend what that means? There is nothing on this earth that can compare with the knowledge that my salvation is secure in heaven. Nothing can rob me of this. I may lose every earthly possession but nothing can snatch me out of the hand of my Father.

So rather than being depressed about the fact that age is creeping up on me - I will find the way to make each day count. Find ways to share with others that they too can have an insurance policy of eternal care. And the one that provides that care does not discriminate. There is no restriction on who can come - they only must accept the provision. This is the greatest of all gifts.

The Hem of His Garment

Matthew 9:20-21 'Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak. She said to herself, "If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed."'

What must it have been like to have been this woman? I wonder. For twelve long years she had suffered with health issues that not only made her feel weak and distressed but also brought about ostracism from her friends and family. Finally as a last ditch effort she pushed her way through the crowd in an attempt to see the Master. Surely she had heard about the miracles of healing that He had performed and now she was intent on finding healing for herself.

The crowd that surrounded Jesus was immense. She must have felt out of place and perhaps even afraid that those around her would see her and mention to Him that an "unclean" woman was in their midst. Fear, I am sure must have been her constant companion. Yet, still she pressed on. I wonder if she had any friends who walked beside her or did she walk alone?

There He was! She caught a glimpse of Him and could even hear the sound of His voice as He shared with the mob around Him truths about the Father. Her heart pounding she tried to think of a way to interact with Him. Yet, with each passing moment she could feel the distance grow between where she stood and where Jesus was heading. What could she do? Suddenly, in desperation she must have thought, "If I could just touch His garment - it would be enough." What kind of faith was that? Faith that Jesus and His healing power transcended the human touch. Faith that by just reaching out and touching the great Healer that she would be free. And so she stretched out her trembling arms and grasped the hem - the very edge of His robe.

Suddenly, He turned. What did she feel? Was she afraid? I bet she was. Especially when He spoke and mentioned that someone had touched Him and that He had felt power leave Him and be given to another. The disciples must have thought Him absurd to even wonder who touched Him when the gathering of followers continued to swell. But He knew. He knew her. He knew her need and felt her pain. He knew that she was afraid. He spoke to her. "Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart, daughter," he said, "your faith has healed you." And the woman was healed from that moment." Her faith had healed her. Her faith in the one who she touched.

Like the woman in this story, I too have experienced the healing that comes from the touch of His garment. Not in the literal sense as she had but in the spiritual sense. My issues were different by far than hers; but, I do know what it is like to feel alone and afraid. I know what it feels like to wonder whether the crowd who surrounded me would push me away and not let me grow close to the Savior. But, He turned and He looked back at me. He reminded me that my faith would heal me too. It was a matter of trust.

A Sea of Humanity

I am not much for crowds. I hate the pushing and shoving and the waiting in lines. But once in awhile I have to just deal with it if I want to attend some of my favorite events. For example, I love baseball. So I survive the jostling in order to watch 9 men with a stick and a ball sweat out in the summer sun. I love concerts where my favorite musicians and singers share their talents with the masses. And I enjoy events such as Women of Faith. Bearing that in mind, I just have to get past the fact that there are rude people who shove ahead of me in line, traffic that can cause even the calmist driver to fret and a never ending wait to use the bathroom.

Yesterday as I was coming down the escalator at the Women of Faith conference I mentioned (shouted) to my friend that it looked like a sea of humanity. And it was. Everywhere I looked there were women. Some were talking, some were listening and some just were walking alone. But each and every one of them represented a soul that my Savior loves and died for. My question was and still is - how many of them know that?

Our world is a lonely place filled with people who struggle for a sense of connection. Many are born into circumstances where love is absent. Many are castaways - unwanted by family - and unloved by the world. Still others have lost their way on the journey of life. Perhaps they started down paths that led them to Christ but along the way choices pulled them off and now they too feel alone and abandoned. How heart wrenching it is to be alone and worse yet to feel unwanted and abandoned.

I believe that when Jesus looked out on the sea of humanity that followed Him everywhere He had a heart of compassion and love for them. And this is the heart that I believe He wants each of us who know Him to have and to share. But it is not easy. There is a real inconvenience about loving other people. I mean after all I might have to give up something that means the world to me. Or perhaps I would have to take a back seat or no seat at all in order to allow another to rest. Maybe I would have to shoulder more of the load in order to give a fellow laborer a much needed break. I might have to sacrifice.

Ah, there is the rub. I might have to sacrifice. Am I willing to do that? Could I give up what I feel I have rightfully earned in order for someone less fortunate than myself to enjoy a small pleasure? Could I invest valuable time in the life of someone else in order to see them come into the kingdom even if it meant I might not be able to indulge in an activity that I enjoy?

Do I really care about people or do I simply give it lip service? Oh Father, I pray that is not the case. I want to look out on the sea of humanity that crosses my daily path and have Your heart. I want to see the lonely faces and know that I have the answer that can give them peace that knows no understanding and the love that only comes from being a child of the King. Wash over me and cleanse me of the selfish spirit that wants what I want first and foremost. Allow me to enter into Your work with a renewed passion and a sense of earnestness and urgency. Take away any of the barriers that keep me from seeking Your best for the world that I am a part of. Help me to love as You love. Teach me to be a living sacrifice - wholly and acceptable unto You.

An Unexpected Award and Friends

The other day I was blogging about being lonely. Isn't it amazing how God reaches down in extra-ordinary ways and brings people into our lives to let us know He understands our needs? I just think that is one of the best things about being His child. He knows - before I even ask.

My journey has taken me to enroll in a writing course. I do not really know where God is leading me in this but I feel strongly compelled to learn to write effectively so that I can share my story with others. Along the way, I "bumped" into a new friend, Heidi. Heidi is a part of the same writing guild that I now belong to and also is a blogger. You really should check her work out, "Moms, Ministry and More". She graciously read my blog and gave me this really neat award. It meant a great deal to me. Not so much that she liked my writing but that she felt connected to me through it. That really meant a lot.

Writing to me is a window to my soul. If you have followed my journey this past year or more (or if you have known me for awhile) you know that my soul has experienced tremendous sorrow as well as joy. My writing is my way of sharing the depths of that pain as well as the healing that God has done. To share that with someone new and to have them connect with me is an unexpected gift.

God is good. He has given me friends over the years who have stuck by me through the good times as well as the bad. And He continues to send new people into my life to bring new perspectives and challenges. I am so grateful to Him for hearing my prayer and filling my need. He is so good.

And so, I would encourage you to reach out to others in a new way. It may be through a blog post or maybe it is someone who is sitting in a pew in your church. There are a lot of lonely people out in our world who need an encouraging arm wrapped around them or a kind word spoken to them. Who knows - it may lead to a wonderful new friendship!

Heidi, thank you for this. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and acknowledge it. May God richly bless you and your family in your work and may your writing continue to inspire others to a closer walk with our Lord.

Make Me a Vessel

2 Corinthians 4:7 "But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us."

Today I was thinking a lot about containers. An odd thing to be thinking about, I agree, but it was what was running through my mind. In our marketing crazy world the science of containers has become a pretty hot commodity. It is all about the packaging.

While drinking my coffee this morning I was looking at my favorite mug. It is a heavy mug with a beautiful rim and a sturdy handle. It feels good on my lips as I drink the warm brew each morning. And even though it is still summer I enjoy the snowflakes that were burned into the finish on the cup. Still, if I went and got a paper cup and poured my coffee into it the taste would pretty much be the same. For that matter I could pour my coffee into a bowl or a vase or a milk jug and it would still be coffee - warm and inviting.

What I am getting at here is that the container really doesn't matter. The vessel is not what brings the value - it is what the vessel contains. After all Starbucks couldn't possibly charge you nearly $3.00 for an empty paper cup could they?

We then are containers or as Paul states above - earthen vessels - that God in His marvelous grace chose to place the Holy Spirit. Imagine it - God dwells within each of us that are His children. It doesn't matter what the vessel looks like - its shape, its color, its age. What matters is that the vessel is fit for the Holy Spirit to take up residence within it.

But, what if the vessel isn't clean? In my analogy of the coffee cup suppose that there was residue of some other beverage in that cup. I pour in my freshly brewed coffee awaiting with anticipation that first sip. Then I taste something unfamiliar and certainly not expected. It tastes bad. It still is a cup of coffee but it is now tainted. Like that cup if I am not clean, if I do not continually evaluate the state of my vessel the Holy Spirit must live within me and His power may be tainted by my sin. What people see of this vessel should portray its contents.

My prayer is that I would be a vessel that is fit for the King of kings. I want to be pure and holy so that the power of God is evident to all that come in contact with me.

Lonely

I am missing Claire. Isn't that weird? The past two years have been so difficult and yet I find myself missing the sound of her voice, the opening and closing of her door and yes - even the cutting, sometime hurtful comments. I truly love that girl. And I am so grateful for her role in my life.

In 1999 I began a journey that took me far from my family and friends. It all started out so innocently. And actually it was a result of feeling lonely. I had prayed that God would provide a friend for me - someone who could hear my heart. I believed that He had answered that prayer. I became more and more involved in spending time together, feeding this starving desire to be loved and cared for. And over the course of time the neglect of my kids and husband led to the break up of our family.

Sadly, the pain that Claire has experienced that has brought about so much of her anger has its source in those decisions that I made. It took nearly 8 years for me to wander out of the abyss that I was living in. Claire had to rock my world in order for me to realize that my selfishness had to end.

Claire has challenged me in ways that I never thought I would be challenged. Raising her these last two years has been a struggle and I do not always feel that I have been succesful. But, I do know this - God has used this situation to bring me back to Him. I am choosing to look at this situation as an opportunity for me to grow closer to God and to hopefully grow in a deeper, more meaningful relationship with my daughter.

Yet, this loneliness nags at me. I long to have someone that will answer the deepest needs of my heart. All through the wandering years I know that God was teaching me that the loneliness came from separation from Him. And now as I am growing closer to His heart I need to choose Him first and foremost. I need to seek His love above any others and to listen to His voice above the noise of the world around me. His love and peace is really all that I need.

If in His love for me He would provide healing with Claire that would be an undeserved gift. I pray for that. Not for my own sake but for hers. I want her to learn to seek God above all else and I pray that even in these days when she is so far from family and friends that He will fill her lonely heart with longing for Him. He is greater by far than the chasm that I created. And I am grateful for the bridge that He lay down to bring me back to His heart. And I pray that my dear Claire bear will find the way back before it is too late.

I love you, Claire Elizabeth.