I Want to be the Tree

Psalm 1
1 Blessed is the man
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers.
2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.

3 He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers.

4 Not so the wicked!
They are like chaff
that the wind blows away.

5 Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.

6 For the LORD watches over the way of the righteous,
but the way of the wicked will perish.

Psalm 1 has always been one of my favorite Psalms. As a small child I can remember sitting in church memorizing it to pass the time. Those words have stuck with me for all these years and still have a tremendous impact on me each time I read them or meditate on them.

Perhaps it is why I have always enjoyed the spring. The coming to life of the trees that surround me is breath-taking. What glorious colors splash the once drab winter weary land. The budding fruit trees with their promise of fruit yet to come surround me and remind me of the truths of this psalm.

What difference it makes when a tree is planted by a source of water. The leaves are healthy, the fruit abounds and the limbs spread wider and higher with each passing year. On the other hand the tree that lacks nourishment withers and fades away. Leaves drop prematurely to the ground and in time the branches break off and the tree dies.

The Christian who cherishes the Word of God, who yearns for its truths and pants to know more of God will flourish. Prosper. Grow. Fruit will be abundant and satisfying. On the other hand those who try to go through life without drawing their strength from the strength-giver will fall by the wayside. They will be blown away like the chaff or will be like the tree that does not have any life.

I want to be the tree. I want to be the tree that is planted by the life giving waters. I want the fruit of my life to be in abundance. How great is the gift of the Word that I can grow to know the God I love in a more intimate and deep way. My heart yearns for Him and to know Him.

There is no other source of life, no other source of strength, no other source of salvation than through the living Word that teaches us of the saving grace of the Lord Jesus Christ. What distractions keep me from growing deeper into the Word? I pray that God will reveal them to me and I will be willing to lay them aside.

May I see fruit in my life as my roots go deeper into His Word.

Transplanted and Grafted In

My cousin, Bill went out one cool spring evening last year to get me some home grown lilacs and as an added bonus he found a forsythia. Now you have to know that anything that comes from "up home" has got to be better than anything that is grown around here. So I came back from McKean County with a bucket of 3 little bushes and my husband planted them in our back yard. We lovingly cared for them through their first summer, fall and winter. As the winter snow melted away I anxiously went out to see whether there was any life in the tiny plants. Sure enough, the forsythia, just like its older and much more mature neighbor across the alley was ready to bud. And my tiny lilacs are filled with lovely leaves and there is a promise of lilac blossoms yet to come. I guess that even the move to Cumberland County could not kill these hardy plants.

As I was thinking about this entry tonight I was thinking about how these plants represent a lot about me. I know what it is like to be transplanted and by God's grace I know what it is like to be grafted in.

Romans 11:17-18 "If some of the branches have been broken off, and you, though a wild olive shoot, have been grafted in among the others and now share in the nourishing sap from the olive root, do not boast over those branches. If you do, consider this: You do not support the root, but the root supports you."

When Paul penned this he was discussing how the Jews had broken off from the olive root (Christ) and that Gentiles were grafted in among the Jewish believers and are now receiving the nourishment from the root. How awesome it is to realize that we are able to be moved from one place to another - transplanted from the world of death and sin to the eternal home of our Father because we are grafted into the root that supports us.

I am so blessed when I stop and think about the wonder of my salvation. God provided the way for me to be grafted into His family. I live by the nourishment that is supplied by the Word and by the Spirit. God in His love has continued to prune and to shape me into a beautiful branch. I pray that I will be able to flower and to bear fruit that others may know by my fruit that I belong to the root.

Transplanted into the Kingdom of Light and Grafted into the Family of God!

Sunflowers, Love and a Stone

Little did my friend, Diane know her gift would become the subject of one of my entries. Knowing me as she does, she knows that sunflowers are my absolute favorite flower. They represent all that is cheerful and good about creation to me. They shoot up through the soil as tiny plants that can grow to great heights all in pursuit of one fundamental thing - the sun. They turn their beautiful faces toward the sunlight and when evening comes they cast their look down. It is as if they know in the light there is joy and in darkness there is sorrow.

It was interesting to me when she gave me this gift that the one lone sunflower was coming up out of a stone. And that stone had etched on its front the word "love". Now, I must say that this friend of mine has been an agent of God's love department for many, many years. She has been with me through the happy times and the not so happy times and never once did she give up on me. She prayed, she called, she sought me out when I went into hiding. All of this because she represented her Savior to me. And out of that love a little hope was renewed.

You see, my heart had become like a stone. Believe me when I say that the scripture is true when it speaks of our hearts being like stone. Because of my constant living in the pit (see yesterday) I became hard to the things of the Spirit. In fact, there were so many times when I totally rebelled and went contrary to what I knew in my heart was right to do that soon I became absolutely hardened to the voice of the Spirit. My heart was hard and there did not seem to be any hope of returning back to the Lord I loved.

But, there was love. Love of a friend, love of a faithful mother, love of sisters and brother and love of my children. Most of all - there was the love of a Savior who would not give up on me. Who loved me enough to die for me and loved me enough to rescue me from the pit. This Jesus, who bore my sorrow, who paid my penalty, who died an agonizing death for me loved me that much. Wow. That's all I can say.

Slowly, in the seemingly impermeable rock a tiny crack appeared. And into that crack a seed was planted. Oh that plant needed help. It needed some watering, thank you friends and family, it needed a fresh breeze, praise you Spirit of the living God and most of all it needed Sonshine, how I love You, Lord Jesus. The plant continues to grow and to pursue the warmth of the Son and to live in the Light. And yes, the plant knows that there will be times when the clouds come and block out the sun but the plant trusts in the coming of the new day when the sunshine will once again burst forth and the face of the flower will reflect the image of her maker.

Father, please hear my cry

Psalm 28:1 "To you I call, O LORD my Rock; do not turn a deaf ear to me. For if you remain silent, I will be like those who have gone down to the pit."

I am the first one to admit - I have been a pit dweller. I have been reading a book by Beth Moore called "Get out of that Pit!" and it has been excellent for me. And I recognize that the pit has been my home for a long time and I am really tired of being there. Now of course, I have jumped in head first a few times, crawled my way out by my own will and fell right back in. It is a very wearying thing to be a pit dweller. There is not a whole lot of fresh air there and the light grows dimmer the deeper in I go.

After awhile you start to feel pretty much at home in the pit. I mean, I know every nook and cranny. I can count the number of steps from one side to the other and I know by feel every bump in the walls. After all in the pit life is pretty comfortable. You know your limitations and you grow accustomed to it. But, now and then there is this nagging suspicion that I am missing out on something and that the air must be cleaner and the light brighter outside of the pit.

Now and then I will half-heartedly call out from the pit and ask someone else to lend me a hand and lift me out. Try as they might these helpful, caring friends have been unable to get me past the lip of the pit before either I let go or they grew weary of the tug of war. I discovered each time that I fell back that I was actually further down in the pit.

So now after all of these years of being in the dank, dark, lonely environment that I have called home, I am calling out to God. I am asking Him to see me where I am and to lift me up where the fresh air of the Spirit and the light of the Son can help me to grow and flourish. I am weary of the confines of the pit and all the lies that have kept me down.

There is risk in being out of the pit. And that has been something that has trapped me in the past. How can it be risky to be out in the light and the fresh air? The answer to that is that one must live in the TRUTH. And so other pit dwellers may not want to know my truth or they may not accept my truth once they do know it. That is risky. Would I rather live in safety and live a lie or would I rather live in truth and learn to truly trust in the Father who loves me beyond what I could ask or think? I am crying out to God that He will lift me from the pit and help my unbelief.

Pit dwellers, especially those who put themselves in the pit, usually think that they are beyond the help of God. It's a pride thing. I mean after all my sin is pretty big, pretty deep and how in the world could God ever forgive me? I have come to realize that my idol that I have bowed down to all these years has been my own foolish pride.

Father, forgive me. See me for who I am and here my cry as I seek to be lifted out of the pit of my own making. Set me on the rock that is higher than I. I pray that Your Spirit will fill my life with the fresh air of Your love. Help me to seek Your truth because in Your truth there is perfect freedom. Freedom to serve You and love You as I so long to do. Crush the enemy that seeks to keep me in the confines of the pit. Help me to see through the Truth of Your word all of his schemes. When I am confronted with temptation help me to choose the good path, the ancient way. I long to live in the freedom that serving You can bring.

Amen - thank You for hearing my cry.

Saying Goodbye to the Past

You know sometimes I hang onto stuff for just way too long. I have things that I got when I was in high school stuffed away in boxes. I have old love letters from boyfriends that no longer even know I am alive. I have cards and pictures and momentos from trips to far off places. And no one looks at them. They just clutter up my life. So why do I hold onto them?

It seems that the past has always had a hold on me. Until recently. Now it seems that I want to purge my life of all the clutter and at the same time say goodbye to some of the memories that have haunted me for way too long.

Having things around that bring back thoughts of long ago days can be good or they can be destructive. It is the destructive memories that I am determined to eliminate. They have been like an anchor around my neck that has kept me mired down in the pit. My house as well as my mind needs to be cleaned out. Swept clean and filled with thoughts of what is good and lovely and positive.

I am committed to placing all of that stuff out of my life. It has cluttered for its last days. The sentiments that were attached to those objects - objects that represented a relationship that was poison to my soul are soon going to be gone. The poision has been replaced with the healing love of my Father. I am searching and finding all that I need in the arms of the One who loves me completely and without any strings.

The past represents what was. Lessons to be learned. Wisdom to be gained. I am grateful that in His mercy God has allowed me to see growth in my spirit. I am looking forward now to what is and what will be rather than reliving the past that brought me such sorrow.

Goodbye.

At the Crossroads

I have found the Internet to be a tremendous blessing and a source of a great deal of good information. Following my Monday night counseling session I was challenged about the concept of "Listening Prayer". Since this idea was somewhat new to me I decided to come home and go out on the Internet looking for information about this. Along the way, I came across a verse of scripture in someone's post that really touched my heart. And this verse is the subject of my blog entry today.

"This is what the Lord says: Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls. But you said, We will not walk in it." Jeremiah 6:16

Interestingly enough the person whose blog I read did not put the last sentence into her post. It was only as I was going out to find the exact verse for my writing that I saw it. Again, God is so good.

I am at the crossroads. I have been going through a tremendous journey the last six months. I have discovered many things about myself that I did not know - or perhaps was unwilling to recognize. I have discovered that I have a very prideful heart. Even in my sorrow over my sin, I have been proud. Too proud to accept that the God I love could love me. I have found that I am an idolater. I have placed other gods before God. I have realized that I have been and continue to be in bondage with addictions that wreck havoc on my physical body.

Now, some may see this as very discouraging. But, I don't. I am thrilled. God has been using this time to reveal to me that He desires to be my all in all. He desires to love me out of the bondage that I am in. He desires to break down the strongholds that have held me fast. And so this verse is so appropriate.

So here it is. The verse says that I am to ask for the ancient path. And so I am praying that God will reveal that to me. I always loved the thought that God was the Ancient of Days. The ancient path then must lead to Him. We are also to ask for the good path. How like God to remind me through the prophet Jeremiah that I am to ask for the good path. He knows that I have absolutely NO problem finding the wrong path. And so I am praying that God will direct me to the good path.

And so, I am praying and listening. And I am determined to walk in the good path. I know that I may be walking alone. I may not have any human company. But, that is okay. I believe that God is teaching me that I must find my peace in Him and that I must be continually plugged into Him and not be fretting about who or who doesn't walk with me. He promises that I will find rest for my soul. Oh how blessed that would be. I have been striving for so long. And I am so terribly weary. I need rest for my soul. How much does the Father love me that He gave this verse to me at this time.

Sadly, the verse doesn't end there. Obviously, the audience that Jeremiah was sharing with did not take the counsel. They chose to not walk in the good way. They chose not to ask for the ancient path. They chose not to have rest for their weary souls. Lest I seem judgemental I know how easy this is to have happen. I have been headstrong in my life. I have chosen time and again the wrong path - the sinful path that led to destruction.

Oh God, Ancient of Days
I long to walk in your good path
My soul is weary and longs for peace

Oh God, Everlasting One
I ask for your Ancient path
At the crossroad I stand

Oh God, Omniscient One
You see my heart
Guide me to chose the right way

Oh God, Omnipotent One
You know my weakness
Strengthen me with Your power

Oh God, Omnipresent One
You surround me on every side
Guard my heart and mind

How gracious and good you are.

I want to be a Blooming Tree

I love spring! It is truly my favorite season of the year. I love the tiny little buds that are ready to blossom with all kinds of flowers and fruit. I keep peeking at my lilacs to see when they are going to burst open with that aroma that makes me think of all that is beautiful in the world.

This past week has been one of a lot of circumspection. God has revealed to me through circumstances that I have allowed myself to be a tree rooted in unfertile soil. All of these years I have lived in a very shallow soil of my Christianity. The roots in their attempt to find nourishment went to places of fast growth. Just like everything that grows fast - it dies fast. The blossoms may come out but they will be shriveled and the fruit will be pitted and small. The type of fruit of this type of tree are jealousy, self-centeredness, co-dependency and pride. It is not a very beautiful tree - in fact, it is a tree that is very deceptive. At first blush it looks normal but the closer you get to it the more you see the shallowness and the emptiness of the growth.

So, I prayed. And I asked God to reveal in me what I must change in order to be a blooming tree. Not just any blooming tree but a gorgeous, full and overflowing tree. One that takes His breath away. That is what I want. That is my heart's desire. He has shared with me through His Word that I must find my roots deeply penetrating the soil of His word. I must water the roots with obedience and I must seek the light of His Son. I can not allow my roots to seek fast growth. I must take growth in a steady forward way. I do not need to seek out fertilizer from the world. I must be fertilized only by the Holy Spirit.

And so, I must dig up the old tree. Find all the old roots and dig them up and burn them. And when those little tiny sprouts come back up - I need to deal with them quickly so that do not take root and grow.

I want to be a Blooming Tree and have His life lived deep in me. I want the light of His love to blossom on every branch and the fruit that grows to be that of joy, peace, faith and long suffering. I want most of all that the Blooming Tree would be a tree of love. His love.

Fragile Beauty

Walking along a wooded stream I came across this limb hanging above the waterfall. The ice had collected on the branches and formed the most intricate pattern of ice. As the water would spray up onto the branch another bead of water would adhere to the ice and it would drip down the form until it too became a part of the whole.

The brisk chill in the air kept the ice from melting and allowed the beautiful image to grow and take on its unique shape. Even the warmth of the infant spring sun was not warm enough to keep the water from freezing. It was breathtaking. And in a brief moment - with the coming of spring - the fragile beauty will be gone.

I spent a great deal of time this Easter weekend thinking about the fragile nature of life. Our lives are like this fragile image. We live for such a brief time and are gone. We live as a part of the whole of humanity until the time of our passing. And yet, each individual life is uniquely different from the rest.

How great is our God. He knew that we need to be a part of a whole. Yet, He created us as individuals, each with our own unique aspects. He provided the community where we can thrive and grow and yet He knows that even while we are a part of it - we are individuals.

As the ice form melts it melts away one droplet at a time. Each individual part leaving the whole. Each individual part standing on its own. But God knows the makeup, the frame, of each one. How great is His design. He made us to be individuals who long to be a part of something greater than ourselves. He wants us to be a part of Him. He wants us to adhere to Him and to never melt away. The conditions are always right. We can stay close to Him and to become one with our Father. Our identity can be joined to His. The fragile beauty of God's love for us pulls us closer to the designer's heart.

Ever need a hand?

You know sometimes it would really be nice if God had a human hand there to help pull us up over the bumps in the road. Haven't you ever had those moments where you just feel yourself sliding backwards and you reach out and it feels as though no one is there? I sure have. And now and then I have to admit I get frustrated.

God at times seems so far away. Yet, I know that in the realities of life He is using these bumps in my life to help me to grow. After all if there were no trials, if life were all pie in the sky would I even reach out for Him? There are times though where it sure would feel nice if God had some "skin".

I feel really alone at times. There are situations that I have no one to run to who can really hear my heart. And when I pray sometimes I wonder if God is even really listening. Where is that coming from? Obviously, Satan wants to continue to plant seeds of doubt into my mind and to keep me from reaching out for the Invisible one.

Romans 8 has been a favorite resource of mine over the years. And especially now as I have an extremely difficult family situation to deal with. I know that in the past I have tried to always be the one to fix things. If only I worked harder or if I could persuade someone to do something my way it would work out. Yet, I am learning that God wants me to trust in Him. Completely. Not to wallow in the past where all the disappointment and heartache is but to truly rest in His sovereign will knowing that He has my best, our best at heart all the time. I can be a conquerer. But it is only as I put my complete faith and trust in Him and to reach out and grab ahold of His hand. Yes, I really need a hand. I need the hand of the one who has continually been there to guide, to forgive, to admonish and to love. Now I will simply put my hand in His and walk.

Romans 8:37-39: But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Stand still and look until you really see

Hosanna! Hosanna in the Highest! Loud the crowd sang as the man from Galilee entered Jerusalem on the back of a borrowed donkey. Hosanna! Hosanna in the Highest! Loud the crowds sang in churches around the globe as we celebrate the entrance of our Lord and Savior. We sing joyfully with great jubilation the triumph of the King of Kings. We wave our fronds symbolically to commemorate what took place so many years ago.

But, as I watched and participated in the often repeated symbolism I stopped to think about what it was they were celebrating and what I was celebrating today.

Our pastor used as his introduction to his message the quotation I used for the title of this post. "Stand still and look until you really see." And as I listened, reflected, sang and prayed I thought how often have I really done that. How often did those villagers on the road to Jerusalem stop to really look at who Jesus was. How often have I?

What must it have been like to have walked with Jesus? To have heard the sound of His voice as He taught His disciples and followers? What would it have been like to have felt His gaze upon you, as Peter did? Did they see Him or did they only see what they thought they could gain by knowing Him? If they really saw Jesus for who He said that He was and heard Him wouldn't they have stood by Him as He later hung on the cross of Calvary, bearing their sin and judgment upon Himself? Instead, they turned into the jeering crowd that condemned Him to His fate.

Lest I sound as though I am judging them harshly I look at my own life. Have I stopped and really seen Jesus for Who He is not just for what I could gain from knowing Him? Am I really ready to stand by Him as crucified with Him? Am I willing to follow Him to the death if necessary? Am I truly willing to stand still and see? What if it costs me everything?

Lord Jesus, the pain of knowing I have been as the crowd in Jerusalem sears my heart today. I know that I too have longed for what You could do for me - answered prayers - ease of life - health restored. And I have been disappointed, even angry at the times when You chose not to answer as I asked. I pray that I would stand still and look until I really see You for Who you are. And that I might be an imitator of You. I pray that I can join You in Your suffering. I pray that I can see Your people as You see them and that my heart would be broken as Yours is broken when I see the pain of those who do not know You. Teach me to see more and to speak less. Teach me to stand still more and be moving less. How I pray that I will follow You as You lead and no longer turn to the right or the left. You are my God and I will forever praise You.

Hosanna, Hosanna in the Highest! Crown Him with many Crowns! Hosanna Yeshua!

What a Hole - Can it be filled?

Okay, so you say - what can possibly be said about a hole in the ground that would have eternal signifance? Well, I have been pondering this for a couple of days and really feel that this hole (or one like it) demonstrates a lot about our walk with the Lord.

When someone decides to dig a hole it is usually with the intent of filling it up with something else. The dirt is taken out and some object whether solid or liquid generally gets placed into the hole and then whatever soil is needed is placed on top until the ground is leveled again.

Sometimes holes can be caused by a shifting of the earth such as a pothole. Shifting ground or pressure from above can cause the hole to appear without ever having seen a shovel. The hole is there waiting for something to fill it up.

Often an animal of some burrowing type will dig away at the ground, making a home for themselves. They don't even bother to cover it up when they vacate it. Perhaps they intend to come back at some point or they may be setting it up for the next lonely traveler to find rest. Again, the hole is there waiting for something to fill it.

Unlike all of the examples above though, we are born with a hole. This hole is the deep yearning for someone greater than ourselves. From the very earliest moments of our lives we long to be "filled up" with that which would satisfy that gaping hole. We fill ourselves with food and drink, relationships, riches and sometimes even religion in a vain attempt to fill the hole of our spirit. All the while God is waiting patiently to bring filling to our spirit by the presence of the Holy Spirit within our lives.

And so, when we come to faith in Jesus Christ, our hole becomes filled with the Spirit. The Spirit seeks to fill the emptiness of our lives with His love, His grace and His wisdom. But, we at times try to shovel in a lot of the dirt of the world and we displace Him from the hole. Not that He is ever gone, He just seems to be pushed aside while we place other objects that we feel will fill us. And as we continue to shovel in all this muck the emptiness grows greater and greater - until finally we have had enough. We pray and ask for the filling of the Holy Spirit. The hole once again is filled to the brim and often times - if we just allow His lordship we will feel the hole over flow with His goodness.

How foolish we are when we try and fill the hole of our lives with things that cannot satisfy. Instead, we should seek out the One who satisfies, the One who completes and the One who longs to fill us completely with His love. As we read His word another shovel full of "spirit ground" goes into the hole and we sense His filling. As we pray we feel the gap close in as we grow closer and closer to the One who brings us completeness. As we in faith stand back and allow the Master to fill us with His love, His healing, His discipline, His peace we find that our ground is becoming more and more level. The walking gets easier as we smooth out the rough spots along the way.

Oh, there will be times as we go along life's path that the hole will need to be resurfaced, but it is so much better if we maintain that filling with that which truly satisfies then to wait until the hole has grown to the point of needing a major excavation and repair.

Oh Lord, thank you that the hole can be filled. And most of all thank you for wanting to fill it. May my spirit always be willing to be filled with your Spirit.

A Sweet Smelling Aroma

This past week my journey through the Scriptures has situated me in the book of Exodus. Sometimes, I have to admit reading through some of the Old Testament can leave me unmoved, unchanged. But, I have been challenged this time by the truths that God allowed me to see through the travels of the Israelites following their exodus from Egypt.

Here they were recipients of God's provision for their very lives. He saw them safely through the Red Sea as the army of Pharoah were in hot pursuit. He listened to their complaints in the desert when they cried out for food and water. He provided direction for them by day and night. He gave human leadership to guide them in the paths that they were to go. And yet, when they did not see Moses return from the mountain quickly enough, they turned their face away from God and pressured Aaron to create a golden calf that they bowed down in worship to.

God in His righteous anger expressed to Moses that He would destroy the Israelites and make of Moses a great nation. But, Moses pled their case and reminded God that by destroying the wandering host He would be mocked by the world around them. God relented to His desire to destroy them.

Over and over again, the Israelites would fall away in their sin and God would provide a way for them to atone for their wrong-doing. The sweet aroma of sacrifice is spoken about throughout the Old Testament. The very fragrance of penitent hearts seeking forgiveness would reach His nostrils. God in His great love forgave.

How like the Israelites I can be. It seems that I wander about unable at times to see the direction of the Lord or perhaps unwilling to yield to His Will. There are moments where I complain and question His goodness. In fact, whole years have passed where I turned my back on Him and choose to follow idols that brought nothing but death and destruction.

Only because of His great compassion and love for me am I still walking this earth. I have done nothing to deserve His goodness. But, I praise Him for the mercy that He continues to pour out on me. He has made me a sweet smelling aroma. On the altar of forgiveness through the blood of His Son, Jesus Christ, I stand redeemed. The Lord has poured on me the aroma of His love. He has poured on me the aroma of justification. And He has redeemed me from the penalty of my sin by the sweet fragrance of His sacrifice. God, the Father breathes the sweet smelling aroma of my repentant heart and grants me forgiveness.

Oh God, how I long to be an aroma poured out and spent for You. May others who come around me know Your great love through the fragrance that comes from a life that is free from sin and shame because of Your unending mercy and grace.

Feeling Splintered

Have you ever had that feeling that everything about your life is splintered? Little fragments of moments, weeks and years that once made up a life, now broken into shards? That is how I feel tonight.

Just this morning I was praying over the Scripture in Mark, "Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it." And as I read it I was reminded of how many times I have not denied myself - but I have followed the desire of the flesh. Each one of those instances caused a splinter. Some of the splinters remained deeply buried until I made a decision that I would walk in truth before God and others.

Now each splinter must be lanced, removed and the wound cleansed. That does not mean that there will not be scars. Some of the scars are deep and have penetrated into my very soul. Yet, Jesus said that we must deny ourselves and take up our cross. The cross that He asks us to take up is to surrender our will to His. But, if we truly do want to follow Him then the cross must be taken up and our own wills must be denied.

Oh Lord Jesus, as I have prayed in the past I pray all the more earnestly now - please guide me into the center of your Will. Teach me the path that I must take in order to live a life that is congruent. Take the splinters of my life and make of them an altar. An altar where I can pour out my life as an offering that is a sweet smelling fragrance to you.

"O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s a light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!"

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace."

Helen H. Lemmel

Which Way Lord?

There are times where I just wish God would write in big, bold letters across the sky which way He intends me to go. Or perhaps an email sent with high importance. Or how about a special angel that steps in right at the point of decision - grabs my hand and leads me down the right path. But, it does not seem that He works that way. It seems that He wants me to trust that He has given me the direction and then that I walk in that way.

Recently, I have been struggling with a decision that impacts my work life. Through circumstances that are unimportant now I was convinced that I needed to seek out new employment. A casual comment by a friend led me to the Internet and the beginning of a job search. As each phase of the process unfolded I would petition the Lord for direction. If it were to be "stay where you are" then the door would close. If it were to be "move on" then the doors would continue to open. At each successive step the answer was "move on".

Now though as the time becomes closer to when I must make known my intention I have begun to waffle. Back and forth. Should I stay, should I go. I have talked to more people than I can count about the decision and with each counselor came a different perspective and I became more and more confused.

Today though I had opportunity to just draw near to the Lord and talk to Him. I sang my praises to Him and lifted my concerns up to Him. Finally, it came to me. "Carol, I have told you but, you continue to doubt that you have heard Me." That was the message. Simply put. "Do you trust Me?" Wow - was it really Him or was I just thinking it was. No, it really was Him. He reminded me of each step in this process. He reminded me of each request that I had made of Him for confirmation. And so I can come with confidence to the point of decision and know which way the Lord has directed my path.

And so, I press on. New challenges, new people, new perspective. The old will stand as a memorial of what was. Just as stones of remembrance were used in the Old Testament to signify when God answered prayers I will put this day down as a stone of remembrance. God has shown me that He does speak to me. He only asks me now if I will trust that I heard His voice.

Correction and Direction

Psalm 23:4 - Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

How many times over the years have I read or listened to this familiar passage of scripture and the words just passed through my mind and heart without really taking root - until just the other day. I was caught off guard by the phrase "rod and staff". Two totally different tools - with two totally different uses. The rod as seen in scripture often was used as an implement of force. The staff on the other hand is an implement used by the shepherds to guide a wayward sheep back into the fold. The very crook of the staff allowed the shepherd to bring the sheep back by the neck if need be.

So David, the great shepherd of the Psalm noted that the rod and the staff comforted him. How so? How can the rod (correction) and the staff (direction) bring comfort? Ask most anyone and they will tell you that the rod was never something that they saw as comforting. Yet, when kept in view of its purpose - it does bring comfort. The rod was meant to teach through consequences the peril of decisions made. The rod was a teacher. Proverbs says that "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him." So then if we believe that God loves us does it not then make sense that the rod of correction would comfort us? I believe it to be so. The rod of correction is teaching me to become congruent with the will of God. To not have this correction would bring about destruction.

The staff as seen in scripture not only was a guide for the sheep but it also was used to lean on or to help in maintaining a sure footing while walking through the mountains and pasturelands. What a picture that is of the direction that comes from God. He is there willing and able to help guide us in the way that we should go and also there for us to lean on when our way becomes difficult or we become weary from our toil. What a comfort!

The rod and the staff - they do comfort me because I have seen them used mightily in my life as well as in the lives of others. While the way of the rod can be painful at times it is a symbol of God's unrelenting love as my Father. The staff demonstrates again and again His desire to lead me to the still waters that will restore my soul. I will ever seek to praise His goodness and mercy all the days of my life. Thank you Father.

My Mothers' Hands

Recently, my family held an 85th birthday party for my mom. It was a great time to reconnect with my brother and sisters. Most importantly it gave me an opportunity to honor my mother in front of my family. Exodus 20:12 says "Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the LORD your God gives you." I realized that I had let that opportunity slip away before I had an opportunity to honor Dad. I guess as I grow older I realize just how fragile life is and how quickly we can lose our loved ones. I do not want to miss opportunities to honor those who have had an impact on my life.

As I was skimming through some of my poems that I have written over the years I came across this one. It came to me one time when I looked at my hands and realized that I was starting to take on the appearance of my mother's hands.

My Mothers' Hands

As I looked down and viewed my hands
What I saw with amazement was my Mothers' Hands

I wondered as I looked at the spots and the skin
Would these hands show the love of my Mothers' hands?

I thought of the labor, the pain and the toil
Would these hands work like my Mothers' hands?

I remembered the touch, the comfort and care
Would these hands show compassion like my Mothers' hands?

I pondered the skill, the diligence and pride
Would these hands be proficient like my Mothers' hands?

As I looked and viewed my own small hands
I prayed they would become more like my Mothers' hands.

My Mom is an inspiration to me. She has prayed me through some of the darkest times of my life. I honor her today for being a woman of prayer and faith. I honor her for demonstrating to those around her what it means to sacrifice for family. I honor her most of all for her love for the Father and her hearts desire to walk in His light.

Harassed and Helpless

Matthew 9:36 "When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd."

Lately, it seems that due to my characteristic behaviors I find myself feeling just like the crowd that Matthew writes about in the verse above. I feel harassed and helpless. In my head I know that I need to lean on the Shepherd, listen to His voice and follow - but my heart at times leads me in the opposite way into dangerous areas of disobedience. Why is that?

I know that when we come to faith in Christ, we have the fullness of the Godhead indwelling us and that the Spirit takes up residence within us. But, we still continue to want our own way, make decisions a part from Him and at times totally walk opposite of the path that the Shepherd leads us on. This is frustrating to me. There are times where I just think "why can't I just walk as the Shepherd wants me to walk, why do I feel I have to go my own way?"

Last night I spent a lot of the wee hours of the morning thinking about this. It seems that despite all the lessons learned in the past I still struggle with the Lordship of Christ. I choose Him as Savior, but yielding to His Lordship is still an issue. I want to continue to keep my "fingers" in it. Full and complete release of control is very hard for me. And so I make choices that often times are not reflective of the fact that I am the embodiment of Christ here on earth.

Will I ever be surrendered completely? Perhaps that is the problem. Maybe I think that this is something that happens here on earth when in reality the total and complete surrender comes only when we are in heaven. The free will that God gave to us continues to war with the Lord over who is in control. It may be that the war can only be won one battle at a time. Perhaps I am not looking at this as I should. Perhaps I am thinking that complete victory is possible here.

As I was writing this a song came to mind from long ago days. We don't sing these songs much any more but the words are so appropriate for where I am at today. I pray that the words of this old hymn will become real to me today.

Savior, Like a Shepherd Lead Us
by William Bradbury

Savior, like a shepherd lead us
Much we need Thy tender care;
In Thy pleasant pastures feed us
For our use Thy folds prepare:

Blessed Jesus, Blessed Jesus
Thou has bought us, Thine we are;
Blessed Jesus, Blessed Jesus
Thou has bought us, Thine we are.

We are Thine; do Thou befriend us
Be the Guardian of our way;
Keep Thy flock, from sin defend us
Seek us when we go astray:

Blessed Jesus, Blessed Jesus
Hear Thy children when we pray;
Blessed Jesus, Blessed Jesus
Hear Thy children when we pray

Early let us seek Thy favor;
Early let us do Thy will;
Blessed Lord and only Savior
With thy love our bosoms fill:

Blessed Jesus, Blessed Jesus
Thou hast loved us, love us still;
Blessed Jesus, Blessed Jesus
Thou hast loved us, love us still.

Amen and Amen. Blessed Jesus, love me still.

One Square at Friendly's

This morning I spent a couple of spirit-led hours with my dear friend, Becky. I didn't know if we would be able to meet today because of the sleet that was falling when I woke up. But, we braved the elements and headed out.

For the first few minutes we caught up on the latest in the lives of our families but within a short time we got down to the subject at hand. What does it really mean to love God? How many times do you think that discussion takes place at your local restaurant?

On the table-top were a series of small squares of light tan. I began using those as points to our discussion. We talked of how our sin keeps us in a box that Satan uses to his advantage. We are bound by the condemnation that he whispers in our ear. Meanwhile, God is quietly calling to us to remember that He has said "Therefore there is now no condemnation to them that are in Christ Jesus." This led us to wonder why it is that we cannot trust ourselves when it comes to hearing the still small voice of our Father. Why is it that we can hear so clearly the voice of the oppressor, yet the lifegiver we at times refuse to believe we have heard. Is it because we feel we are not worthy of His voice? Or is it because it has just been safer to be in the box. After all, there is nothing really required of us when we live within the boundaries of the past. It becomes safe. It is easy to condemn ourselves for the failures of the past rather than to move past them. It is easier to be co-dependent on ourselves.

Now that was a new square in the discussion. I have suffered from co-dependent behavior most of my life. There has always been something that I have tried to use to fill the emptiness of my spirit. The co-dependency led to a long dry period in my life where I turned away from God and from a spirit-fed life because I felt let down. Why was it that God had allowed this to happen to me? He said that I was fearfully and wonderfully made. If that is so - why would He make me this way? I realized as I discussed this further with Becky that I have now transferred my co-dependent behavior from other people to a co-dependence on my own failures. As long as I muse through them, softly massaging the memories - I can remain in the box.

But, God brings us freedom. He shouts - Perfectly love casts out fear. Why do you want to be in that box that contains you - that keeps you from living the abundant life? Why are you fearful of being who I made you to be? Why are you afraid to share the freedom from sin that I have provided? Do you love me enough? This makes me think of how Jesus said to Peter, "Peter, do you love me?"

Father - my heart's desire is to be totally in love with You, to hear your voice as you whisper your love to me. I pray for the strength to move out of the boxes that I made and to live in the freedom that only You provide. Let me hear Your voice and teach me to hear it and to respond - trusting that I can hear You. Let my spirit be free from the co-dependence on my past. Help me to live in Your trust.

Bless you, Becky. Bless you for your faithfulness to me even when I ran away. Bless you for your fierce desire to live for God. Bless you for being willing to turn to the wolves and say "No, I will not abandon my Father." May God richly bless you for being His daughter and living your life as transparently as you can. May you continue to hear the voice of the Shepherd.

Soul Hunger

Tonight as I typically do on Monday, I spent time with my counselor, Michael. It was good. Painful, but good. Interestingly enough about midway through the conversation he said, "Carol, you seem happy tonight." But by the end of the session I was in tears. Oh what trails we go down in our discussions.

Have you ever thought about what it means to hunger and thirst after righteousness? What is it that makes our soul hunger for the Lord? Why do we try and fill this emptiness with things that are temporal and fleeting? Do we not see that the temporary fixes of this world only lead us to more hunger and a greater thirst? And do we not see that this ravenous hunger is never fully quenched?

How is it that we can fool ourselves into believing that man's affection or admiration can fill what only God can fill? How can we think that food or drink, or the drug of choice can dull the pain of this empty void that only God can fill?

Jesus said that He is the bread of life. He told the woman at the well that He is the living water. That any who drink of Him would never thirst again. So why do we continue to seek out that which He supplies?

There is no greater longing that I have than to be loved unconditionally. I have sought this out in any manner of ways. Most have led to destruction and pain. Some have brought a temporary, earthly love, like that of a child for his mother. But, rather than allow myself to be fully loved by the Father and to be have my soul hunger fed, I have stumbled about in this world looking for what only He can supply.

How I long to seek Him passionately and to know the power of His love in my life. May I find my soul hunger fed by the one Who does love me for who I am in Him. I pray that I would stop seeking out what can only be found in the Truth. The Vine. The Bread of Life. May I continue to see Him clearly and to be drawn to His likeness as I seek Him.

Detached but Not Abandoned

You know I am discovering that being a mom does not become easier as your kids get older - it becomes more difficult. That independence that we taught them to exhibit when they were young children is now a fact of life. They want to try new things, go places without us, make decisions without asking advice, marry someone, on and on it goes. And as a parent you just have to learn how to sit back and take it all in.

What a struggle this has been. I want to hold onto the little ones that I brought into the world. I want to have them come running to me when their hearts are broken, or they have a bad day, or they have something joyful to share. But, that does not happen much anymore. So I hurt.

But, as time goes by I am learning that God is prying yet another layer of co-dependence away from me. He is teaching me that I must detach from my kids. They must learn to live on their own, make their own choices and suffer the consequences or reap the rewards of their decisions. Detachment does not mean that I abandon them. It means that I untie the strings that bind and set my birds free. But oh I do hurt.

In this process though, I find myself running to my Father for the comfort that He has so longed to give to me. He is my constant friend - there to guide - there to love - there to encourage. Why has it taken so long for me to run to Him? Why did I fight this battle for so long?

A song by Point of Grace has really touched my heart of late. It is called "Broken Thing" The last part of the song says "You found beauty in this broken thing Made angels dance with wounded wings I can't imagine anything more beautiful. You took the damaged part of me Restored what little dignity was left inside Was left inside this broken thing. I know I'm not worthy of this Never ending perfect love." I am a broken thing. God is restoring my dignity slowly through experiencing the loss of all that was and is familiar. Bit by bit my love for Christ is overshadowing all of the pain of the past. I find my thoughts turn more to living in His presence than finding peace in this present moment.

Yes, I am learning to detach. But, I am not abandoned. My Father, who loves me unconditionally never has left my side.