Forgiveness

Matthew 18:21-22 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

Lately, I have been thinking alot about forgiveness. I guess it is because I have so much in my life that needs to be forgiven. I also am beginning to recognize just how hard it can be to forgive others - especially when they have injured you in a very deep and profound way.

When Peter came to Jesus to ask Him how often he needed to forgive an offending brother I honestly think that Peter thought Jesus would be content with 7. Not so. Our Lord challenged Peter to forgive not just 7 times but 77 times. Of course, the number is unimportant. It is the concept that no matter how many times a brother or sister offends me I am to forgive.

How hard it is though when I see someone purposely doing hurtful things to me or to others and to realize that God expects me to reach out and forgive one more time. It is a stretch. And sadly, I am not always successful. I feel at times as though I will never be able to get beyond it. But then I am reminded of my own sin. I am reminded of how many times I let others down and wanted their love and forgiveness just the same.

The challenge for me is discerning the difference between forgiveness and enabling. For example, if you know that someone is doing something that is sinful and wrong and even following confrontation about their actions they are unwilling to change - what do you do? Do you forgive? What would Jesus have me to do in that case?

There were challenging times in my past where I was deeply involved in behaviors which brought pain and harm to those that I loved. Some of the consequences of that behavior I have to live with for the rest of my life. And there were some difficult choices that my brothers and sisters in Christ had to make. It hurt. Yet, now looking back on all of it I realize that God was using that to prepare me for restoration. His forgiveness was never in question. He was just waiting for me to come back. He was there all the time.

Recently, I have taken to writing or contacting people who I felt I had hurt. Each and every one of them have extended to me the healing touch of forgiveness. Sometimes it overwhelms me how gracious they all have been. I feel so undeserving. It has been such an emotional rollercoaster. Yet I know that God is using this as a window for me to look out and to see that I too must be willing to forgive others. I must be willing to see past their sin and look only to what God would have me to be in their lives.

I do not think that forgiveness needs to "excuse" poor choices or bad behavior. I know that God has forgiven me. Still there are consequences that I cannot sidestep. They are my reality. This is true of those that I am in relationship with as well. Simply because I choose to forgive (and it is a choice) does not mean that I condon the sin. To be able to walk in truth in these hard things is where the struggle comes in for me.

All in all God is teaching me lessons. He is teaching me that the same hand of forgiveness that I longed for needs to be extended out to others. He is teaching me that His grace is enough. He is teaching me that the love and mercy that He demonstrated toward me is the same that He wants me to shower on those He has put in my life.

"Oh Father, I do pray for forgiveness for not always being willing to forgive others as You have forgiven me. Teach me how to forgive - not as I would - but as You would."

Patterns

Sometimes I find that being an introspective person can be a bit disheartening. Especially when you see patterns that emerge in your life that are neither positive or godly. Why is it that we struggle so much with some strongholds in our lives? Why is it that we cannot learn from one experience and put an end to behaviors which are destructive?

I believe that deep inside of me there is this dark place where the light of God's word still has not penetrated. I allow myself to engage in prideful behavior and also to put myself into places of authority that are only God's. Every time I do this I find it harder and harder to hear the voice of God in my life.

It is time for me to break this pattern and to put an end to those choices and those relationships which threaten to pull me away from my Father. I must learn how to put boundaries around myself. Tonight as I shared my current dilemma with my counselor he reminded me of a verse of scripture that I really need to concentrate on:

Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well

The problem is that I have not been doing this. I have been seeking my own well-being and what makes me feel good about myself. Instead of really seeking God's kingdom and His righteousness I have fallen prey to the desires of the flesh. I pray that God will shine His light into the dark recesses of my heart and expose the sin that lurks there. It is time for me to make the right choices. It is time for me to be obedient and do what God calls me to do.

Forgive me, Father for trying to be something that I am not. Forgive me for trying to be you in the lives of others. How could I ever think that I was capable? You and You alone are God. I am your child and I am weak. Help me to remember that Your strength is made perfect in my weakness.

Sometimes I feel like I am just marking time

Day drifts into day
Night upon night
And still the nagging thoughts
Sometimes I feel like I am just marking time.

Hours turn to days
Days turn to weeks
Weeks turn to years
Sometimes I feel like I am just marking time.

Babies are born
Toddlers mature into children
Children grow to young adults
Sometimes I feel like I am just marking time.

What purpose do I serve
What questions can I answer
What change can I experience
Sometimes I feel like I am just marking time.

Teach me I pray to number my days
Teach me I pray to not dwell in the past
Teach me I pray to not fret over the future
Sometimes I feel like I must stop marking time.

Out of Focus

Philippians 1:21-26 "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me."

This morning in our group at church we talked about Philippians 1. This has been and continues to be one of my favorite passages in all of the New Testament. I have heard sermon after sermon on this text and yet today for some reason it impacted me more deeply than ever before.

Of late I have been thinking a lot about focus. What does my attention fall on? Are the circumstances of life my focus or is Christ? Am I more concerned with getting out from underneath the trial than learning the lesson through it? Am I more focused on myself or on my Lord? My life - as I look at it - has been out of focus.

When life is out of focus there is a deep sense of weariness. And I am weary. There has been such a deep-seeded pain for such a long time and I have been unable to rid myself of it. Try as I might to release it I seem incapable. My heart aches because the focus has been all wrong. The pain, the trials, the consequences all seem to be what I focus on. Instead of seeing Christ and glorying in His suffering I have tried to escape what God is trying to teach me. This causes me to be sad. This causes me to look at life through dark glasses. This causes my joy to be stolen away.

Our class leader today spoke of how we need to make Christ the focus of every aspect of our lives. I have heard that hundreds of times and yet today it was like it was all new. Each circumstance, each trial, each decision are all to be weighed in the scale of how will this bring glory and honor to Christ. It is not about me. It is about Christ. Wow - now that is a shift in focus.

It is all about you, Jesus. There is no greater thing. Words to a song that I have sung. Yet without focus. I have spent way too much time focused on myself. It is time to look at the lens of my life and zoom it in on the Master. The Lover of my Soul. The One who died and gave His life for my ransom. All that life holds is for Him. Not me.

Forgive me, Jesus for being out of focus. Forgive me for seeing my wants, my needs, my desires as more important, more valuable than You. Help me to choose You above all else. Teach me that which You would have me to learn about You. And help me to be an example to others of the healing that comes from having a right focus.

Like a Flower in the Snow

Grief is an odd emotion. There really isn't any descriptor that puts the reality of separation into perspective. Sometimes grief feels like salt being ground into a wound. Sometimes it is like a warm cup of coffee touching a cold hand. Sometimes it is like a flower in the snow. It is a jumble of heart, soul and spirit. And as each day passes I struggle with trying to sort it all out.

So many memories that flood my thoughts in the night. And really no one to talk them out with. After all - who but me really wants to remember the funny stories - like the huge TV we just had to have to watch the Super Bowl back in 1996. The one that we really couldn't afford. Or the time we drove the mountain pass in Yosemite and me wondering why it was that Ray always chose the direction with me looking out over the cliffs. Or how about the time when we lived in Florida and I ironed a shirt on the glass table top only to have it fall into Ray's lap. All of those are memories. All of those are like salt ground into an open wound.

What of the man who always listened? It is so hard not to have those ears any more. I have so many questions I want to ask of him. Things that will never be asked. I have so many warm thoughts - times when we shared the deepest of joys and even the deepest of sorrows. I think of the times when we held our little ones while they were sick and wondered if they would get well. I think of the times when we would dream of how they would grow to adulthood and what they would become. Oh how proud he was of them. All of those thoughts and questions are like a warm cup of coffee touching a cold hand.

The past and its changes. I wonder if forgiveness was given? I believe it was. I know that while it was never voiced - it was acted out. The hurt of the past is buried under the blanket of God's forgiveness. The white carpet of snow reminds me of the how my sin, my pain has all been wiped away by the shed blood of God's precious son. And out of all of that pain - all of that hurt - a flower can blossom. And the grief I feel now will give birth to that life. It will help me to remember Ray for the wonderful part of my life he was. I miss him. I miss knowing he was close. I miss knowing that he will not be with us in the days to come. But like a flower that pushes its way up through the snow - there is hope. Hope that we can grow to be more like the Master because of the witness of this precious part of our lives.

Goodbye, Ray

Picture albums are being opened and memories are being recited. I am no different. Sifting through over 20 years of history in the past couple of weeks has brought back so many wonderful and at times very painful memories of my relationship with Ray. Many of my friends have said "you need to write your thoughts down" so here goes.

I chose this picture because it represented a lot about the man that Ray was. Let me explain. First of all, you will notice in this picture a young Japanese boy. We were priviledged to have Takish live with us for 3 weeks one summer to help him learn more about the English language and to be exposed to living in a Christian home. Two things about that are important to this story. First of all - Ray loved to travel and he loved to learn about people groups from various parts of the world. So when I asked if we could be a part of this ministry - he heartily agreed. He brought to Takish's life a brief exposure to what a Christian father was like. And that young man was changed because of it. Secondly, it brought to life the fact that Ray desired that his children learn that it is okay to be different. Growing up in central Pennsyvlania can give kids a very jaded view of the world but Ray was determined that Geoff & Claire know and understand that all of the world is a part of God's creation and that every man, woman and child is loved by the Father.

Ray was also a very neat man. I think about him even now and I think of plaid flannel shirts buttoned down at the collar. I think about how he liked his shirts buttoned when they hung on the hangers. I think about how he always wanted Geoff & Claire to be neat and tidy when they went places or were involved in activities of any type. I can remember his exasperation at Geoff wearing his sneakers to graduation with duct tape all around them. And yet - he could laugh about it. He did not make "big deals" out of things.

Ray was a hard working man. My children knew that their father worked - and worked hard. Many a time Ray could be heard answering voice mail or working on paperwork for the company that he faithfully served for 27 years. The work ethic that both of my children have is a direct result of the pattern that they saw portrayed by their father. He was respected by all he worked with. This was evidenced by the many opportunities that were presented to him that furthered his career.

Ray's heart for the Lord grew over time. As the experiences of life taught him - he grew closer and in a deeper fellowship with the Father. I remember when Ray came to faith in Christ. It was like a great awakening. He had been dabbling in many faiths when we first met and we had some pretty intense arguments. He could not buy the fact that God created the world in 6 days. Whew.... for a girl who had lived that truth for a long time - that was a challenge. But, God in His infinite wisdom knew what it would take for Ray to come to truth. And when God brought Ray to live in Pennsylvania when he was all alone and had no one - he found Christ.

His heart for ministry was apparent to all who knew him. Together we served on a couple of mission trips. I can see him even now dabbing grout into the tiles at Black Forest Academy in Germany or handing out tracts at the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta. All of it was for a greater purpose than bringing attention to himself. He wanted to serve the Lord passionately.

Ray loved his children dearly. As we brought each one of them home from the hospital it was wonderful to watch him grow as a dad. His steady influence has been something that both of my children have benefited from. Unlike me, Ray was unflappable. When I would lose control - he would maintain it. When I would get discouraged - he would find positives. His heart always was to have a strong family for Geoff & Claire to grow in. And he accomplished that.

I feel like I have lost a part of myself this week. I guess that is just the way of it. Some would say that divorced people should not feel that way. And maybe some don't. But, I do. I have lost the one person who truly knows my truth. I have lost the one person who remembers bringing home those babies or sending them off to school or off to far off places. I have lost a friend.

But I know in my heart that Ray would not want us to sit around and be sad. He was not like that. He was a person who was joyful. He would want us to reflect on all of the wonderful times, the special memories, the forgiveness and the love that has been shared by all who knew him.

For all the past, I thank you, Ray. You were a gift to me.

The Tattered Quilt

Piece by piece each remnant of cloth is stitched lovingly together. Some of the squares are made from tattered garments worn over time while others are cut from fresh cloth new from the store. The stitches that weave them together are placed appropriately in order to bind them together in a pattern known only to the Quilter. Slowly the artistic pattern takes shape. Its colors as varied as the Maker intends.

The quilt brings warmth to all who know it. They are comforted by its softness and at times amazed at its beauty and its complexity. As the years go by new patches are added and some are replaced. And still the Quilter keeps the pattern intact. There are patches that are taken from one quilt and moved to another but the common threads do not change. Even still are times when the Maker takes a patch and places it within His own quilt adding to its loveliness - a welcome addition to those that have been there before. Those patches leave gaping holes in the original quilt never to be replaced.

The Quilter knows that these holes exist. He knows that no material can be used that will fill the gap and He knows that the threads that once held that patch must now stretch in order to meet the ones left behind. It is that stretching of the threads which brings pain to the quilt. Some threads don't stretch as far as they must and the Maker adds reinforcements. At times He clips away the strands that no longer are used or are no longer able to bear its tension.

The quilt changes over time but is always the work of the Maker. Each piece is sewn in place by His grand design. It is His creation and His to keep - it is only ours to feel its warmth.

Goodbye's

How difficult it can be to say goodbye. I think of how many times I pulled out of my parents driveway with tears streaming down my face. Saying goodbye to them has always been hard. The invisible strings to home always tug at my heart. Saying goodbye to my dad on the day he went home to the Father was so difficult. The man who gave me life was no longer with us. Or saying goodbye to my child as she boarded a train to go to a far off country out of the realm of my sight and control. Knowing that she would be alone and wondering if she would be okay.

Then there was saying goodbye to a dear friend. That was a tough one. I was blessed by her life and how she cared for others including my children. How was I to know that saying goodbye to Nancy would be a lead in to one of the biggest goodbyes yet to come.

Divorce is a type of goodbye. And I know firsthand about that. It is a tearing apart of what was meant to be sealed. It is a saying goodbye to relationship. It is a saying goodbye to pulling together for the common good. It is a saying goodbye to that intimate knowledge of marriage. It is no wonder that God never intended divorce. The pain that it brings is at times unbearable.

Yet, the heart that shared my heart for so long has been there for me - regardless of our no longer being married. I could count on that. Even when there were difficult discussions between us we always ended in a resolution that we would walk as divorced people - but still as a team when it came to the care of our kids. I always knew that there would be that voice at the other end of the line that would remain calm even when I lost control.

And now it appears that barring a miraculous intervention by God that the voice on the other end will be silenced. This goodbye is ripping my heart out. So many things that I wanted to say. So many things I wanted to talk over with him. And I did not want to say goodbye. We are never prepared for this moment.

How blessed we have been by this life. How thankful I am for his presence in my life and what he has meant to my children. God is in control. I will rest in His love and say goodbye knowing for certain that I will one day see him again when we are all gathered at the feet of Jesus.

Bloom Where You are Planted

This morning when I was leaving the living room I happened to glance over at my Christmas Cactus that sits near our picture window. The blooms have started to pop open and many more promise to grace our home with their beauty in the coming weeks. I always enjoy their delicate appearance and look forward to seeing them return each year around this time.

This plant was a gift to me from my mom. Actually, she gave it to me in hopes that maybe I could get it to bloom because in the years that she was the owner of it - it never bloomed. She had been given this plant by a dear friend of hers many years ago and for whatever reason it just was not happy at my mom's house.

So I carefully loaded it into my truck and brought it home. I remember it being in a really nasty old pot and so I gingerly lifted the root ball out of the pot and put it into a nice new home and added some fresh soil. I place it in a spot where I knew the light would be just right and carefully watered it. One year went by and no blooms. I was disappointed but not surprised. That summer I took the cactus outside and let it live all summer out on our carport. It seemed to enjoy the warmth of the summer sun and I was concerned about how it would do when it was time to bring it back in.

I decided I would try a new location in our living room. The window in the living room faces east so the plant gets a nice warm touch of the sun each day. And apparently it likes it! For the past two years now we have been blessed with its beauty. Now all I do is water it and rotate it and treat it with tender care. My hope is that I will have this plant to enjoy for many years to come.

This all led me to think about how I have been somewhat like this plant. I have lived many places over the years. Some places I have bloomed and some places I have just sat dormant not blooming at all. There were places where I soaked in the healing rays of the sun and drank the cool waters without much tangible sign of development and change. But, now it seems that God has me in a place where the soil is rich, the light is right and the moisture permeates deep into my soul. I am praying that now I too will bloom where I have been planted. No longer seeking to be moved somewhere else but content to allow the Master Gardener to prune and to feed and to tend to my growth. I will put my roots down deep into His love and pray that I will bloom with the love of the Savior that all who know me will see Him through me.

Walking Away from Regret

Romans 8:1-2 "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death."

For quite sometime now regret has dogged my every step. Everything from eating that one last piece of pie when I knew I didn't need it to reminding myself again and again about the losses sustained in my personal life because of poor choices and outright sinful rebellion. The pile of regret continued to mound up until it took on proportions which blocked my path of growth and joy.

Why is it that we struggle so much with regret when we know that if we have asked God to forgive our sins He is faithful to forgive? Is it because we find it difficult to forgive ourselves and by wallowing in regret it somehow makes us feel better because we punish ourselves? In doing that we are putting our sin, our shame, our disobedience beyond the reach of God's grace. That must wound the heart of our Father.

I have determined that I am through living in regret. I have allowed regret to steal my joy. I realize that the consequences of choices are forever with us. But, God has promised that there is no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus. If I am no longer condemned by the creator of the universe then I have no right to stand in condemnation of myself. The sin is covered. The blood of Jesus Christ covers it all. And to go back and revisit that sin is simply wrong.

And so, the path away from regret is before me. I am wearing shoes that are sturdy. They will see me on this journey and protect me from the onslaught of the evil one as he tempts me to return to regret. These shoes have no tread that leaves a trail back. I cannot go back. I can only move forward. Thankfully, I do not walk alone. The Holy Spirit is there to guide and encourage my walk. Faithful family and friends uphold me in prayer. Regret and its chains no longer bind me. Praise God for the freedom that comes in Christ Jesus!

Autumn Color

Today while walking my dog, BG I came across this beautiful tree arrayed in all its color. The colors of autumn always bring a sense of wonder to me. The seasonal changes of the trees is a reminder to me of the constant and faithful nature of my Father.

The summer has passed away and we are now approaching the cold blasts of winter. Yet in between is this quiet, beautiful period of autumn. It is a restful time. The leaves as they glisten in the sun blow gently down to the ground in the winds that blow. The trees themselves go into a much deserved rest as they prepare for the coming of spring. Year in and year out the cycle of birth, life, death and rest is seen in their limbs.

God is faithful. His mercy is new every day. He provides for us today as He did in ages past. His forgiveness and grace are available today as they were yesterday. The question becomes - will they be available tomorrow? If the Lord tarries then the answer is yes. But we do not know when the Lord will return. We know only that God calls us to be ready. Ready to meet Him. Ready for the judgement that is yet to come. There will come a day when the cycle of life on this earth as we know it will come to an end.


As each year passes I know that I am one year nearer to meeting my Father. I anticipate that. But I also am fearful of that. Not that I fear that I will not be with Him in eternity. Christ paid for my sin with His precious blood. I am saved from the wrath to come by His great grace. I fear being empty-handed. I want to be able to bow at the feet of my Savior with crowns to cast at His feet. Oh that I might put away the foolishness of this life and be pursuing the life that is yet to come.

The colors of autumn brought all of this to mind today. How many more springs will I have? How many more will you? Are you prepared? Have you found your answer in Christ Jesus? No matter where you are in your life stop and think about it. Don't let another day go by without surrendering to His limitless grace. Don't be deceived - judgement day is coming.

I Don't Want to be a Dried Out Sponge

Lately I have been struggling with feeling sort of "blah". Kind of like this sponge. Dry and very useless. Even trying to scrub the sink with a dried up sponge will not get me very far. It is only when that sponge contains water does it take on any useful characteristics. Although even the makeup of the water makes a difference.

So consider this. If you take a sponge and dip it into a bucket of ink and then start to clean with it - wow - you are in for a big mess. Or if the water you are using perhaps has sat for a long time it may make your sponge smelly. It is only when the water is pure and clean that it makes the sponge useful for its intended purpose.

John 7:38
Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him."

Scripture gives us instruction that tells us that living water will flow from the person who believes in Jesus Christ. This is the only way that our lives can be totally full and able to be used. How then do we become dry and useless? I know for me it comes when my attitudes are not what they need to be. When I am struggling with an attitude of complaint, or criticism or coveteousness then I am in danger of not being filled with the living water. Not that I have lost the source - it is that I am not choosing attitudes that would allow the water to flow through me and out to others.

It is a constant struggle for me to deal with the attitudes that have become so ingrained in me. I have found over the past few years that my heart has struggled with having an idolatrous attitude. And the idolatry is that of pride. I have put myself above others and often times above my relationship with God. This prideful attitude is what causes me to feel dry and lifeless. It is only as I disconnect from the brackish water of pride and connect into the living water of humility that I can experience the life giving flow.

I feel like there needs to be a cleansing in my heart. Father, I am praying that you will take this dry heart and remove from me those attitudes that keep me from being connected to your lifegiving water. I pray that my life would be renewed with the attitudes of thankfulness and love. Take from me any of the past that also tends to plague me. Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me.

Ever Try and Go Through Life on E-ZPass?

Many of you can relate to this story. Some of you more than others. But, I have discovered that you can't get very far in life trying to get by on E-ZPass.

E-ZPass has been implemented on many of our nation's toll road systems as a way to eliminate the human element of tollbooth attendants and to help the frequent traveler get to their intended destination without having to stop. Just put that token on your windshield and you can whisk your way from one place to another with nary a care in the world.

Well for those of us who are not the frequent tollroad traveler it can be confusing when negotiating the system. Case in point, several weeks ago my husband, daughter and I were traveling the PA Turnpike over near Philadelphia. We planned on a stop at the IKEA store to do a bit of apartment shopping for my daughter. We exited the NorthEast extension and never came across a tollbooth. Thinking this odd we questioned what had gone wrong but then giggled in delight that we had perhaps outsmarted the turnpike system and saved a little over $3.00 in tolls.

Fast forward three weeks. When heading up to bed, I noted an envelope on the table addressed to me. In it was a photo similar to the one at the top of this page. It was a bill for over $45.00 for failing to stop at the tollbooth and not having an E-ZPass. So much for the delight. We certainly had not outsmarted the system.

This whole episode got me thinking about my life. And this is where the relating thing comes in. Have you ever thought you were outsmarting God? Like you could go through life without paying the "toll". "No one will ever know." "I can get by with this and not get caught." Ever had thoughts like that?

Isaiah 29:15-16 "Woe to those who go to great depths
to hide their plans from the LORD,
who do their work in darkness and think,
"Who sees us? Who will know?"
You turn things upside down,
as if the potter were thought to be like the clay!
Shall what is formed say to him who formed it,
"He did not make me"?
Can the pot say of the potter,
"He knows nothing"?

How foolish we are to think that the all-knowing, all-seeing, ever present creator of the universe would not know every thought and intent of our hearts as well as every action we have either done or contemplated. Just as we discovered with our little turnpike illustration - the price will be paid.

We can rejoice that God loves us despite our failure to consider the cost. He loves us with an everlasting love. His grace is poured out upon us day after day. His mercy is new every morning. But, we ought not to ever think that we can skate by without thinking that He knows. We need to live with the knowledge that whether we like it or not all of our decisions come with consequences, good or bad.

My prayer is that I will not try and outsmart God. What a foolish jesture. And the bill is way too high to pay.

When the Pen gets Cold

My pen has grown cold. Not a literal pen but a figurative one. Try as I might, the past few months were difficult for me to put words to my emotions. I am not sure even now that I can really write effectively.

Life continues to throw curve balls my direction. It makes me wonder at times just what God is up to. Not just some times but most of the time. The path winds down some steep and bumpy slopes fraught with confusion and at times feelings of fear and dread. I know that God promises that He would never leave me nor forsake me but at times it seems as though I walk this journey alone.

Words fail me. I lift up my pen and put it to the paper and find I have little to say. Really. I lift my voice in prayer and murmur confused words of pleading to God asking for a measure of understanding to come over me. How does one respond to circumstances that are out of their control yet impact us so profoundly?

Perhaps it is because I finally have come out of the fog of deception that I lived under for so long. This may explain why I feel so lost now. I am trying to understand living in truth. I am trying to understand how people do not always respond favorably to that position. And I am fervently praying that God will sustain me through this growth process so that I do not regress back into the person I once was.

I am praying for direction. What would God have me write about? What value does my writing have to anyone? Does it even really matter? Is my writing meant to be shared privately with my Father or does He intend me to share my journey more fully, more transparently to others? I want to be a vessel that is used. I want my life to have some real value to others. I want to know that my life has purpose.

In time, maybe the flame of my pen will burn brightly again. I pray that will be true. I pray that my words will be fitly spoken and that they would portray the truth of God's unfailing love to others. More than anything, I pray that my words will be s symphony of praise to my Father.

Remembrance

It has been said that Confederate women were seen decorating the graves of their fallen heroes and continued on to do the same for those of the Union soldiers. This heralded the beginnings of Decoration Day or as we more commonly call it, Memorial Day. The lack of concern about whether or not the fallen were friend or foe truly speaks to the solemn beauty of the day. It is a time for us to remember those who bravely fought and died for the freedom that we enjoy today. And also, those from generations past who greatly influenced the people we have become.

For many years, while growing up, Mom and Dad would load us kids into the Oldsmobile and take off for the different cemeteries where our grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins or friends lay at rest. The trunk of the car would be filled with blossoms of various colors and types all meant to garnish the markers and to let others know that these people were cherished and remembered.

Little American flags waved brightly by the tombstones of soldiers from long ago wars and some were even marked by an occasional medal or remembrance of a particular event in history.

As a child, I must admit, it was not always something that I enjoyed. In fact, sometimes it seemed really like a waste of time and money to go traipsing all over the country going from plot to plot when I would have been much happier playing outside or reading a good book. But, still we went. And now, I am glad that I did because it taught me lessons about life and death and remembering, something that many people don’t do enough of.

While decorating the graves of relatives and friends who have passed away does not carry with it that same significance as decorating the graves of soldiers it does help to bring to mind the brevity of life. How often we take for granted the presence of a loved one only to find them taken from us by the cruelty of death. The small gesture of remembrance is only a token of what could or should be done during the lifetime of those that are near and dear to our hearts.

It has been nearly five years since my father passed away. In recent days memories of my childhood have resurfaced to remind me once again of the principles he lived by and the man of integrity that he was. It has been a time of remembering what was and seeking to understand what is. His influence continues to live on in the lives of his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Remembering that propels me to a greater desire to live the legacy those generations before me lived.

The author of the book of Hebrews wrote a verse that has often come to mind when I think about my Dad and others who have gone on before me. “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” I like to think about my Dad being in that cloud of witnesses, cheering me on, encouraging me when the going gets tough or sometimes even chiding me as he used to when I was a child.

Remembering him as he was is also a lesson to me of many attributes of godliness that I would like to believe is becoming a part of my heritage as well. Integrity, humility and a contrite spirit were all marks of my father. One of the greatest gifts that he gave to our family was a dedication to walk in truth and to teach us about our need of a Savior and the love of God.

Heritage and remembering is so much a part of the essence of Memorial Day. While we watch the parades and listen to rousing speeches of patriotism and honor it would be a good time to take stock of what is going on within our hearts and lives. Are we passing on to our children the same values and virtues of our forefathers or have we so lost our way that we cannot even remember the good of the past? Do we take time to sit down with our children or their children and remind them of the goodness of God? Or have we become so wrapped up in our own way that we have lost the reverence for the One who holds the earth in place?

This is a time to remember. This is a time to put aside the laissez-faire attitude that seems to permeate our country today. The sacrifices, the honor, the desire to put others ahead of self are attributes that were a part of the generations past. Let us put off the foolish behaviors of greed, deceit and selfishness as we honor those who have gone on before.

Load up the cars with your children and the flowers. Decorate the markers of those who have left your earthly life. Remember them for the lives that they lived and the sacrifices they made. Thank God for their lives and then dedicate yourself to live on in a manner that would bring a smile to their lips and a song of praise to their hearts.

What kind of a flower is friendship?

'Be careful what you wish for because it might come true' was an all to true statement for me. For years I had longed for a friend who would be my confidant and soul-mate. Unfortunately, that friendship soon took on characteristics of co-dependency which I was both unable and then later unwilling to see. How can you avoid the pitfalls of this situation and still find God’s heart for you in the matter of friendship?

God has created us to be in relationship. His desire is for us to long for a relationship with Him as our primary and most important one. Unfortunately, we look outside of God’s ideal and attempt to find our needs met by others.

While God includes human relationships as a source of fulfillment they are not to supersede our relationship with Him. Nor are we to place certain human relationships such as friendship ahead of other human relationships such as marriage and parenthood. When this occurs destruction is sure to follow.

Women in general, long for relationships that have meaning and purpose. They are hungry for dialog and support which often time is sorely lacking in their homes. Young mothers in particular are often quite lonely due to the demands of their young children and may find themselves longing for someone to listen to them and to encourage them.

Friendship is something that God designed. Biblical examples of friendship may be used as patterns for us. Jonathon and David were classic examples of true friendship. They were continually looking out for the best interest of the other and were bent on being obedient to God as their primary focus.

When you find yourself in a relationship that begins to take on a level of importance that is higher than your relationship with God then you are treading on a slippery slope. Ask yourself questions like, “Does my friend mean more to me than she should?” “Am I spending more time nourishing this friendship than I am nourishing my relationship with God?” “Are my thoughts drifting more and more to spending time with my friend than in spending time with my family?” If the answer to any of these questions is “yes” then you may have found yourself in a relationship that has become co-dependent.

Have other friends or family members begun to question your relationship? Don’t see this as criticism but see this as an opportunity to review what your priorities are. Look at their statements honestly and be willing to evaluate yourself. Talk to your friend. See how she reacts. Does she become defensive? Does she act in a threatened fashion? If so, these are warning signs that things have become unhealthy.

When well-meaning and caring friends approach you with concerns about your friendship, listen to them. If they are godly friends they have your best interest at heart and may have been drawn to speak to you by the prompting of the Holy Spirit. Realize that they are speaking out of heart of love and not out of a spirit of jealousy. That is one of Satan’s lies.

Do you find yourself becoming less and less responsive to other friendships and more and more focused on an exclusive relationship with one other person? If so, see this as a warning signal. Do not exclude other friends from your life and do not give into the temptation to see this one relationship as the end all and be all of friendship.

Are you sensing uneasiness in your spirit when you consider this friendship? If so, this may be the Holy Spirit leading you to re-evaluate the relationship. Don’t discount this. The Holy Spirit continues to speak but if you are not willing to heed His prompting His voice may become less and less noticeable in your life. When this happens you may have seared your conscience to the point where God no longer speaks to you. This is exactly the place where Satan wants you to be.

If you are finding yourself involved in any relationship which becomes more important to you than your relationship with God, or if you are spending more time with a friend than you are with your spouse and children then you need to question whether or not you are in a co-dependent relationship. At all costs find the help that you need to get yourself extricated from it before any more damage is done. Look into counseling that will help you to find your way out of the darkness that can destroy you, your family and do permanent damage to your testimony for Jesus Christ.

God loves you. Place your need for relationship into His hands and trust that He will fill all of your heart’s needs in ways that you can not even begin to image. He is faithful and He will perform that which He has promised to do.

Bittersweet Parting

1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 "Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. 14We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 15According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18Therefore encourage each other with these words."

A saint has gone home to be with the Lord. And we who knew her grieve our loss but praise God for the healing that our dear sister, Nancy has received. Even now we can picture her going from friend to friend in heaven asking all kinds of questions in the style that Nancy was known for.

I remember when I first met her. My Geoff was in first grade at Mt. Calvary Christian School and Nancy was the 2nd grade teacher. She had a way about her with children. They flocked to her - even though she was a very strict disciplinarian. The kids knew where they stood with her all the time. And they respected and loved her for it. Geoff and his friends were the last 2nd grade class Nancy taught before she became the elementary principal. She always said that class was the one that brought her teaching career to an end. Not sure what she meant by that! :)

When I was working at the school Nancy would periodically come up to my office to visit or check on the status of one of the kids that she was concerned about. More often than not though, I know she was coming to see how I was. Nancy knew that I was struggling with deep problems. Never one to pry, she just would hug me and let me know that I was loved. I missed her when I left the school.

Years passed when I was in the dark time of my great sadness. I often would ask about her and was saddened when I learned that she was diagnosed with cancer. Through it all she continued to minister and work with the children at the school until the treatments and the illness just made it too difficult to continue. It was a sad day for Mt. Calvary when Nancy left her little office for the last time. I have such fond memories of her office with her collection of pigs on the shelves and window sills. Such a cheery place where even the worst offender could find both correction and love.

Just two short months ago we had a surprise birthday party for our friend. She was good that Saturday. Laughing, asking questions about the kids and rejoicing in the fact that I had found my way back from the darkness. It was a wonderful afternoon and something that I will cherish as I go through the years to come.

Hard as it is to say goodbye we are not like those who have no hope. As much as Nancy loved her family and her children at the school - she loved her Lord most of all. And now, she is with Him. I can imagine her looking at His face and asking to see the nail prints in His hand. I can hear her praising Him for His forgiveness and mercy. And I can imagine her looking at us and thinking "just wait till you get to come home!"

We will miss you dear friend! But, we are so thankful that you are even now dancing on the streets of heaven.

Idolatry - a Subtle Foe

I have decided to share my heart at a deeper level. In recent posts I have drawn from events that have surrounded my life but have rarely delved into the inner work that God is doing in my life. Perhaps it will be of no other value than to give me a way to verbalize what I am sensing God is teaching but if it can give anyone else aid then I will see that as a blessing.

Idolatry is a harsh word. And it is one that I believe I have misled myself about all of these years. I wanted to believe that I was not an idolater. And I based that opinion solely on the fact that I never bowed down and worshipped any type of idols. But in recent months I have found myself staring into the mirror and seeing that the very darkness of my heart is wrapped in the cloak of a foe that hides itself in different disguises. Idolatry none-the-less.

Deuteronomy 6:5 "Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength."

This verse makes it very clear to me what idolatry is. Anything that diminishes the love that I have for God is idolatry. WOW! Just let that sink in for a minute. How in the world is it that God commands me to love Him with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my strength and then to love my neighbor as myself? How is that possible?

In and of my own strength it is not possible. My life story has proven that out. In my quest to "love my neighbor" I have allowed that love to become the end in and of itself. What has become most important to me is approval. I have sought the approval of others to the exclusion of being in relationship with the God I purport to love. Many of the choices I have made have come from an unwillingness to truly love God and to let go of the affirmation and love of those who have brought pain and sorrow to my life.

This is the highest form of idolatry. When I put the opinions and approval of others before my love of God and the desire to be obedient to His Word I have become an idolater. This is where my great sorrow comes from. Now - to press into change.

A Lesson from "24"

“Can you believe it?” Andy asked me on Monday morning. “What a shocker! I never would have guessed it of Tony” I replied. In case you are wondering what we were talking about it was the unbelievable turn of events on the TV series “24”. All season long we unwary watchers had been roped into believing that Tony Almeda was a good guy – out to save America from all the ills of terrorism and its accompanying pain. Little did we know that the writers of the program took our natural inclination to judge people based on their outward appearance and actions to dupe us into believing that Tony would be there during Jack and America’s darkest hour.

Within a five minute window of time, Tony went from hero to assassin, from friend to betrayer, from patriot to terrorist. It left me shaken and questioning my ability to really judge the intent of his heart.

The prophet Jeremiah spoke about this very thing when he wrote “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” Humanly speaking we are unable to understand the depth of the depravity of our own hearts let alone the state of another’s. This is why Jesus commanded that we were not to judge one another. He spoke of making sure that we deal with the log in our own eye before we try and extract the splinter from someone else’s.

It is not important what our perceptions are of others. What is important is the genuine honesty of our own heart. God looks at the heart while we look at outward appearances. When we strive to live up to expectations of others we are setting ourselves up for failure. And when others disappoint us we need to keep in mind that they too are frail and unable to meet our needs without the intervention of God in their lives.

God desires that we all come to him with a contrite heart, willing to change any of the deceitful ways that separate us from Him. It is only as we submit to the change that comes from walking in the Light that we will be less likely to judge others.

So next week when I turn on “24” I will look at Tony Almeda from a different view. I will no longer be so naïve that I believe his motives are pure. But then again maybe I won’t even care to question.

Father, teach us to examine our own hearts to ensure that we are walking in the Light of your Truth and in obedience to the way You would have us live. Help us to refrain from judging the thoughts and intents of the hearts of those we come in contact with. May we grow to trust in Your unfailing love.

It's All in Your Perspective

Luke 6:37 - Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

Today I got a real treat. My first ride in a ladder truck. Now that is what I call a vehicle! Everyone on the road respects you. Even the big rigs. Turning corners is certainly an art and not something for the novice driver. Made me appreciate the many hours my husband has spent driving and instructing others in driving these trucks.

While we were out I had a whole different perspective on the road than what I have when driving my pickup truck. You really look down on the other vehicles. And the road is right there in front of you - there is no long hood distorting your vision. There are long mirrors on either side that give the driver the ability to see all of the potential risks on every side. And wow - backing that rig up - now that takes skill. Slick as a knife going through butter, Dave put that truck into reverse and backed it squarely into its stall at the firehouse. Flashing lights and all types of indicators let the driver and crew know the status about all of the various components of the system. At a glance they can tell whether each and every unit of the vehicle is operational.

As I rode along I got to thinking about how life could be like that ladder truck. Sometimes as I ride along I have this habit of looking down on other people as if I could do things better or perhaps have the best advice that could rescue them from all their problems. I judge them for what they do and put it through the sieve of my experiences. Not always a wise thing to do I am finding.

Then there is that ability to see the road right ahead of me. Yes, I am able often to see exactly what is the best course of action but out of my own foolish pride I often times will try and side step it or go off on my own course. That is when those mirrors come in pretty handy. Those friends who are there to admonish or encourage or pray for me and help me get back to the right way.

All along the road there are those flashing lights and indicators that God uses to help us see our way through this troubled life. There are warnings all through the Scripture that when we heed them we will be able to safely get that "vehicle" parked where it belongs - right in the place where God wants us to dwell.

It's all in your perspective.