Out of Focus

Philippians 1:21-26 "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me."

This morning in our group at church we talked about Philippians 1. This has been and continues to be one of my favorite passages in all of the New Testament. I have heard sermon after sermon on this text and yet today for some reason it impacted me more deeply than ever before.

Of late I have been thinking a lot about focus. What does my attention fall on? Are the circumstances of life my focus or is Christ? Am I more concerned with getting out from underneath the trial than learning the lesson through it? Am I more focused on myself or on my Lord? My life - as I look at it - has been out of focus.

When life is out of focus there is a deep sense of weariness. And I am weary. There has been such a deep-seeded pain for such a long time and I have been unable to rid myself of it. Try as I might to release it I seem incapable. My heart aches because the focus has been all wrong. The pain, the trials, the consequences all seem to be what I focus on. Instead of seeing Christ and glorying in His suffering I have tried to escape what God is trying to teach me. This causes me to be sad. This causes me to look at life through dark glasses. This causes my joy to be stolen away.

Our class leader today spoke of how we need to make Christ the focus of every aspect of our lives. I have heard that hundreds of times and yet today it was like it was all new. Each circumstance, each trial, each decision are all to be weighed in the scale of how will this bring glory and honor to Christ. It is not about me. It is about Christ. Wow - now that is a shift in focus.

It is all about you, Jesus. There is no greater thing. Words to a song that I have sung. Yet without focus. I have spent way too much time focused on myself. It is time to look at the lens of my life and zoom it in on the Master. The Lover of my Soul. The One who died and gave His life for my ransom. All that life holds is for Him. Not me.

Forgive me, Jesus for being out of focus. Forgive me for seeing my wants, my needs, my desires as more important, more valuable than You. Help me to choose You above all else. Teach me that which You would have me to learn about You. And help me to be an example to others of the healing that comes from having a right focus.

Like a Flower in the Snow

Grief is an odd emotion. There really isn't any descriptor that puts the reality of separation into perspective. Sometimes grief feels like salt being ground into a wound. Sometimes it is like a warm cup of coffee touching a cold hand. Sometimes it is like a flower in the snow. It is a jumble of heart, soul and spirit. And as each day passes I struggle with trying to sort it all out.

So many memories that flood my thoughts in the night. And really no one to talk them out with. After all - who but me really wants to remember the funny stories - like the huge TV we just had to have to watch the Super Bowl back in 1996. The one that we really couldn't afford. Or the time we drove the mountain pass in Yosemite and me wondering why it was that Ray always chose the direction with me looking out over the cliffs. Or how about the time when we lived in Florida and I ironed a shirt on the glass table top only to have it fall into Ray's lap. All of those are memories. All of those are like salt ground into an open wound.

What of the man who always listened? It is so hard not to have those ears any more. I have so many questions I want to ask of him. Things that will never be asked. I have so many warm thoughts - times when we shared the deepest of joys and even the deepest of sorrows. I think of the times when we held our little ones while they were sick and wondered if they would get well. I think of the times when we would dream of how they would grow to adulthood and what they would become. Oh how proud he was of them. All of those thoughts and questions are like a warm cup of coffee touching a cold hand.

The past and its changes. I wonder if forgiveness was given? I believe it was. I know that while it was never voiced - it was acted out. The hurt of the past is buried under the blanket of God's forgiveness. The white carpet of snow reminds me of the how my sin, my pain has all been wiped away by the shed blood of God's precious son. And out of all of that pain - all of that hurt - a flower can blossom. And the grief I feel now will give birth to that life. It will help me to remember Ray for the wonderful part of my life he was. I miss him. I miss knowing he was close. I miss knowing that he will not be with us in the days to come. But like a flower that pushes its way up through the snow - there is hope. Hope that we can grow to be more like the Master because of the witness of this precious part of our lives.