Why Worry?

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ? Matthew 6:27

Worrying has been a family tradition for as long as I can remember. My mom at age 85 has mastered the science. My son at age 23 seems well on his way and I at 51 have finally declared - ENOUGH!

For all the worrying I have done in my life what has it really gained me? I mean did the worrying actually change the outcome? Did it make things better or did it just compound the issue? Is worrying more about control than anything else? I think that is exactly what it is.

In Matthew Jesus challenged his followers and us by extension that we by our worrying cannot add one hour to our lives. I think that makes us angry. I think that we choose to worry because we believe we know better than God. And we sense by our worrying that somehow we can change or impact the outcome. Foolish, silly people we are. How small and insignifcant our desire to control. How unnecessary the hours of sleepless nights thinking about what we could have done differently or should have said differently. How crazy it is to spend time trying to position ourselves in such a way that we would change the outcome. Who are we trying to kid? God is in control. He allows us choices - but ultimately - He knows.

One day ago I saw my daughter off from the train station in Harrisburg as she made her way to New York City. What could I do? I could choose to worry her the whole way there - wondering if she would make the flight from JFK - wondering if she would get to London - wondering - wondering - wondering. But, instead, this time I choose to kiss her goodbye (with tears running down my cheeks!) and commend her into God's hands. There was nothing more I could do. And you know what - I felt FREE!!!!

I am choosing to believe that God has Claire's ultimate good in mind. I am choosing to believe that He will see her through this time away and will give her a renewed love for family and I prayerfully ask that she will find her way back to God. Ultimately, though - all of the choices are up to her. I can only be responsible for my part. My part is to pray for her, love her from a distance and continue to learn how to walk in purity and humilty with my God.

Worrying does no good. It changes nothing. It only adds to the pile of wasted time and energy that eeks away all the vitality of life. Maybe there is hope that the family tradition can stop with me. I believe that it can. I believe that God is teaching me that by faith I can walk. He knows my heart and the footsteps that I will take. And so in faith I will trust. And in faith I will give Him all of my worries. Because I am tired of carrying them and I am tired of being responsible! And I finally realize - He never asked me to be.

The Turning of a Page

You know tomorrow my little girl turns 19. It seems only yesterday I was cleaning up after spills and diapers. Listening to her sing nursery rhymes and learning to count. Binding up cuts and kissing "boo boos". And now, she is a woman. And she is about to set off on the adventure of a life time. It is the turning of a page for her and the end of an era for me.

For a long time I have experienced the cold, hard reality that my children have grown up and really don't "need" me any more. They are pretty self-sufficient and able to survive quite nicely without all of my wisdom - even though I still try and give it. Now, I have become what I never thought I would become - like my mom.

I wring my hands with worry about the decisions that they make. Shake my head in frustration when they don't take all of my sound advice. Wag my tongue at any that will listen when my heart is broken. And pray all the time that God will take the small flicker of hope that I hold that they will return to the One that holds their future.

It is a difficult thing to let go of your children. We say that we surrender them to the Lord when we dedicate them when they are babies but it is a whole different thing to actually trust Him when we must take our hands off and set them free. Trust is something that does not come easy to me. I want to hold onto the strings and keep a tight grip on their comings and goings. I want to protect them from all the evil in the world and more importantly protect them from themselves. But, like my mom with me, I cannot do this. I must sit by and watch and pray.

But, I am going to be different than my mom. I am going to stop worrying. I am going to commit them to God and pray for their well-being knowing that He loves them far more than I ever could. I am going to trust that He will guard their footsteps and put a hedge of protection around them. And I am going to claim the promise of the prodigal son that my children will one day return back to the Father.

And tomorrow, when my little girl turns 19 - I will wish her well. I will put all of the mothering to rest knowing that I have done what I could. I will forgive myself for the mistakes I have made and the hurt that I have caused and put my energy into living a life that my children can respect. They may not always agree with me - or me with them - and that is okay.

Here is to the turning of a page in the book of Claire's life. And here is to the end of an era in my role as mother.

God bless you Claire! I love you.

It's a Small, Small Thing

One of my most difficult life-time struggles has been "people pleasing". It is a hard master and one that brings with it a great deal of pain. I find that I chase myself around in circles trying to make everyone around me happy. And in the meantime, I fall further and further behind.

Recently, I was listening to a great sermon by James MacDonald of Harvest Church in Illinois and the title of the message was "No more people pleasing". It was by no coincidence that I heard this sermon at this particular point in time. God knew that I really have been struggling with a lot of family issues of late and that I was being torn apart by them. Trying to meet the needs of everyone and finding that I was failing at every turn made me feel more discouraged than I have in a very long time. In fact, as I wrote earlier - I hit the wall.

But, I was reminded that it is a very small thing what others think of me. And it is even a smaller thing what I think of myself. What really matters at the end of the day is what God thinks of me. You can look at me with displeasure because I do not measure up to the standards that you have set for me but it is only God's standard that I have to measure myself with.

God has provided through His mercy, salvation. This gift, which I have unfortunately at times treated very casually has become the focus of my life. I no longer want what the world wants. I want what God wants for my life. I fear what it will be like to stand in front of a righteous God and have nothing to cast at the feet of my Savior.

And so it is a small thing whether or not I am a success here on this earth based on human standards. I want only to be more in love with my Lord. I want only to bring Him pleasure and to become a sweet smelling savor as a sacrifice of praise to HIm.

No Bit or Bridle for Me

Several years ago I had this burning desire to learn how to correctly ride a horse. Along with a friend from work we set off to become equestrians! Little did I know that part of learning to ride was learning how to saddle and bridle the horse. There is a real knack to getting everything precisely done - and believe me - those old nags knew when a novice was readying them for the trail. Needless to say, after the six weeks of lessons I did not rush right out and buy a horse. But, I do have a healthy respect for them and truly appreciate the work that goes into breaking one and making them "willing" to sit a rider.

This morning our pastor was teaching from Psalm 32. What a powerful message of God's forgiveness and the hard lessons that David had to learn because of his sin. Verse 9 really stuck in my mind as I was thinking about the sermon on the way home.

Do not be like the horse or the mule,
which have no understanding
but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you.

Like the horse or mule that David spoke about in this psalm, I have had to be yanked about by the bit and bridle. Often times God must bring correction into the lives of His children. This correction is not pleasant and at times it is embarrassing or painful. But, just as we do not want our earthly children to disobey neither does God. He knows that the disobedience will bring suffering far worse than the correction that He instills.

If you have ever watched a horse though that has a bit in their mouths you can tell that they do not "enjoy" having that metal piece lodged between their jaws. And certainly when the rider pulls them from one side to the other often in rapid succession or with incredible force it must be painful. That would be the only reason that the horse obeys as I am sure they have a lot of other ideas of how they would like to spend their time rather than hauling humans around. Yet, God's word says that without the bit and bridle they would not come to you. In other words - that is the only option.

We though do not have to be like the horse or mule. We can make the choice to obey without having to be yanked about by the bit and bridle that God uses to correct us. I believe that it comes from obedience and willingness to stay hidden in the hiding place that God provides for us. Verses 7 and 8 say:

You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
Selah

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you and watch over you.

His Word is meant to instruct us and wise is the man or woman who listens to the Word and obeys. In the obedience comes deliverance. In the obedience comes real freedom. I pray for that type of obedience. I pray for that type of willingness to go where He leads and no longer be corrected by the bit and bridle of God.

Against the Wall

It has finally happened. I have hit the wall. I am banging my head against it, flailing my arms at it and pushing with all my might and it just won't budge. This is the wall of control. This is the wall of "I want to fix it". This is the wall that has been heading my way for quite some time and finally I am here.

All of this anger and frustration and purposeless living has finally gotten to me. I feel as though nothing I do is going to make any difference. I am battling an enemy that is within my own person. It is not anyone else - it is me. It is the old nature that continues to rear her head and wants to make everybody else happy with her. And the wall says - you can't do it. The wall says - stop. The wall says - you lose.

When will I ever learn that it is not my battle to fight? When will I ever learn that it is not my business? When will I ever learn that God is the one who controls the destiny of those around me? I cannot nor should I even think that I could possibly make things different or better for those around me. I mean after all - look at all the dumb decisions that I have made and the outcomes of each and every one of them.

So I am done. I am done trying to fix things. I am done trying to make everyone else happy. There comes a point of decision and I am there. I am going to stop beating myself up. I am going to stop sidestepping issues and deal with things head on. I am not a robot nor am I able to just remain aloof from what surrounds me. But, I am also able to relinquish control to my Father. The One and only person who can make things right. The One and only that knows the end from the beginning. The One and only who can calm my fears and free my troubled mind.

Oh God, I am so weary
This load has been so heavy

Take it from me and free my mind
Help me leave it with you and never take it up again

Watch over my soul and keep me in Your will
Keep my mind from being controlled by thoughts I cannot contain

Lead me to your refreshing waters where my soul can be nourished
Help me to wander freely about in the pasture of your grace

Teach me to choose You above all else
Humble me in the shadow of your might

Give me a clean heart that is renewed each day
Foster in me a love that knows no limits

Cleanse my wicked thoughts and purge my iniquities
Grant me the spirit of kindness and remove the spirit of fear.

I love you. I need you. And the wall is way too high. Lift me above it, I pray.

The Fragile Nature of Life

For the longest time it did not seem that I was getting older. I knew that the years were passing by but I felt good and the possibility of death seemed so far off and remote. Even the passing of my dad four years ago seemed appropriate, although sad. After all, he was nearly 85.

But, in the last month two of my family members, contemporaries of mine became ill. My brother-in-law has been quite frail in recent years and my sister is facing many difficult and life-changing decisions in regard to him and his care. On the other hand, my sister-in-law has been robust and ready to face all of life's challenges and so finding out she has a major illness came as quite a blow.

All of a sudden, it seems as though I am feeling tired. Like this is just not a good place to be any more. It feels as though the cold wind of winter is about to blow in on our family and I am not ready for that. I want the warmth of summer to last forever. It makes me feel melancholy. And it feels so out of my control.

Could it be that God is trying to tell me that I need to step up to the plate and make something of life instead of just going through the motions? But, what exactly is His plan for me? I feel adrift. I am aimless and the direction seems so changeable.

This morning I was reading Psalm 112. The psalms have been so real to me of late. I guess because I like the psalmist have felt the joy and the sorrow, the victory and the defeats and the closeness and distance of God.

1 Praise the LORD.
Blessed is the man who fears the LORD,
who finds great delight in his commands.

2 His children will be mighty in the land;
the generation of the upright will be blessed.

3 Wealth and riches are in his house,
and his righteousness endures forever.

4 Even in darkness light dawns for the upright,
for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man.

5 Good will come to him who is generous and lends freely,
who conducts his affairs with justice.

6 Surely he will never be shaken;
a righteous man will be remembered forever.

7 He will have no fear of bad news;
his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.

8 His heart is secure, he will have no fear;
in the end he will look in triumph on his foes.

9 He has scattered abroad his gifts to the poor,
his righteousness endures forever;
his horn will be lifted high in honor.

10 The wicked man will see and be vexed,
he will gnash his teeth and waste away;
the longings of the wicked will come to nothing.

The promises of this psalm calm my wavering heart as I think about them. God promises that the person who fears God and delights in His commands will be blessed. I do have a holy fear of God. I realize more each day how awesome He is and how small I am. I see my weakness and acknowledge His strength. I confess my waywardness as I rejoice in His grace. And yet - I feel adrift.

Is it because I am still seeking out what the world has to offer? Is it because I have not ever really given my life over to the Lordship of Christ and allowed Him to work His will in my life? Is this why I feel somewhat fragile in the face of eternity? Is this why all of this uncertainty surrounding those dear to me shakes me so?

As I read this psalm I realize that the truth is that I have not been faithful to the direction that God has provided over the years. I have chosen my own path and have often times gone the way of sin rather than the way of righteousness. I long to have the confidence that the psalmist had when he wrote that his heart was secure and he had no fear.

And so I must seek out the truth of God for me. I must put my trust in His commands and be obedient to what comes without questioning. All of this uncertainty about the future should be directing me toward God rather than away from Him. In order for my heart to be secure and to have no fear I must put my trust singularly in God. Not in myself, not in others.