You know I am discovering that being a mom does not become easier as your kids get older - it becomes more difficult. That independence that we taught them to exhibit when they were young children is now a fact of life. They want to try new things, go places without us, make decisions without asking advice, marry someone, on and on it goes. And as a parent you just have to learn how to sit back and take it all in.
What a struggle this has been. I want to hold onto the little ones that I brought into the world. I want to have them come running to me when their hearts are broken, or they have a bad day, or they have something joyful to share. But, that does not happen much anymore. So I hurt.
But, as time goes by I am learning that God is prying yet another layer of co-dependence away from me. He is teaching me that I must detach from my kids. They must learn to live on their own, make their own choices and suffer the consequences or reap the rewards of their decisions. Detachment does not mean that I abandon them. It means that I untie the strings that bind and set my birds free. But oh I do hurt.
In this process though, I find myself running to my Father for the comfort that He has so longed to give to me. He is my constant friend - there to guide - there to love - there to encourage. Why has it taken so long for me to run to Him? Why did I fight this battle for so long?
A song by Point of Grace has really touched my heart of late. It is called "Broken Thing" The last part of the song says "You found beauty in this broken thing Made angels dance with wounded wings I can't imagine anything more beautiful. You took the damaged part of me Restored what little dignity was left inside Was left inside this broken thing. I know I'm not worthy of this Never ending perfect love." I am a broken thing. God is restoring my dignity slowly through experiencing the loss of all that was and is familiar. Bit by bit my love for Christ is overshadowing all of the pain of the past. I find my thoughts turn more to living in His presence than finding peace in this present moment.
Yes, I am learning to detach. But, I am not abandoned. My Father, who loves me unconditionally never has left my side.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
2 comments:
Hey, friend.
Thanks for your words, both here and on my blog.
Detached but Not Abandoned: We have to let those we love most go, because until we do they can never choose to come to us on their terms. But the pain in that is so great. Because there is great vulnerability in hope. It gives us such a beautiful picture though of Christ, doesn't it? He loves us no matter how much we leave Him because His love for us is rooted in Him not in us. I want to learn to love others in that way. I'm trying. But it requires carrying a lot of pain at times. It means always extending love, always being willing to be hurt again. Allowing others the time and space they need to deal with their own questions and pain. He never leaves us in the midst of that, you know?
As for me, I was reading Sailing Through the Stars again this week, and there is this part about how Jesus is both the man of sorrows and a man of complete joy.
"He experienced the most extreme joy, the most intense sorrow, the greatest happiness, the deepest grief. His soul is clothed in both the bloodstained fabric of the wounded warrior and the unblemished veil of a bride gleaming white in the afternoon sun. Christianity offers this strange mix of sorrow and joy and hope and regret and confidence and humility--and honesty too, because when you enter the realm of grace, you enter the arena of awareness. You become acutely aware of who you are...both sinner and saint, rebel and ambassador. Both the harlot and the bride.
But a powerful joy is available. A sacred, secret laughter rising from the throat of a slaughtered God. A joy that can crack open the deepest sadness of the world because it knows how to conquer death itself. I too have discovered a people--pierced with truth and drenched with joy--who are able to overcome their circumstances because of a wall that surrounds their souls. They have entered the paradox of pain and joy." Steven James
Hi Carol,
You are beautiful and as Henri Nouwen wrote...You are His Beloved.
Jean
Post a Comment