I am missing Claire. Isn't that weird? The past two years have been so difficult and yet I find myself missing the sound of her voice, the opening and closing of her door and yes - even the cutting, sometime hurtful comments. I truly love that girl. And I am so grateful for her role in my life.
In 1999 I began a journey that took me far from my family and friends. It all started out so innocently. And actually it was a result of feeling lonely. I had prayed that God would provide a friend for me - someone who could hear my heart. I believed that He had answered that prayer. I became more and more involved in spending time together, feeding this starving desire to be loved and cared for. And over the course of time the neglect of my kids and husband led to the break up of our family.
Sadly, the pain that Claire has experienced that has brought about so much of her anger has its source in those decisions that I made. It took nearly 8 years for me to wander out of the abyss that I was living in. Claire had to rock my world in order for me to realize that my selfishness had to end.
Claire has challenged me in ways that I never thought I would be challenged. Raising her these last two years has been a struggle and I do not always feel that I have been succesful. But, I do know this - God has used this situation to bring me back to Him. I am choosing to look at this situation as an opportunity for me to grow closer to God and to hopefully grow in a deeper, more meaningful relationship with my daughter.
Yet, this loneliness nags at me. I long to have someone that will answer the deepest needs of my heart. All through the wandering years I know that God was teaching me that the loneliness came from separation from Him. And now as I am growing closer to His heart I need to choose Him first and foremost. I need to seek His love above any others and to listen to His voice above the noise of the world around me. His love and peace is really all that I need.
If in His love for me He would provide healing with Claire that would be an undeserved gift. I pray for that. Not for my own sake but for hers. I want her to learn to seek God above all else and I pray that even in these days when she is so far from family and friends that He will fill her lonely heart with longing for Him. He is greater by far than the chasm that I created. And I am grateful for the bridge that He lay down to bring me back to His heart. And I pray that my dear Claire bear will find the way back before it is too late.
I love you, Claire Elizabeth.
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2 comments:
I'll pray with you, friend.
If Claire didn't love you, she wouldn't be so angry with you. She doesn't understand that yet. And some day, I hope she will have a greater understanding of both love AND forgiveness.
B
Carol,
Thank you for visiting my blog. I like how authentic your writing is.
As to the post, I can agree with rebecca. My relationship with my mother was strained for a lot of years. The short story is that we didn't bond much when I was young, and our personalities are opposite, so we didn't understand each other. Since I became a parent, I finally understand that she did the best she could. And that it's okay for us to be different. Your daughter will have to make her own choices, and it might take becoming a mom herself to really "get it."
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