It has finally happened. I have hit the wall. I am banging my head against it, flailing my arms at it and pushing with all my might and it just won't budge. This is the wall of control. This is the wall of "I want to fix it". This is the wall that has been heading my way for quite some time and finally I am here.
All of this anger and frustration and purposeless living has finally gotten to me. I feel as though nothing I do is going to make any difference. I am battling an enemy that is within my own person. It is not anyone else - it is me. It is the old nature that continues to rear her head and wants to make everybody else happy with her. And the wall says - you can't do it. The wall says - stop. The wall says - you lose.
When will I ever learn that it is not my battle to fight? When will I ever learn that it is not my business? When will I ever learn that God is the one who controls the destiny of those around me? I cannot nor should I even think that I could possibly make things different or better for those around me. I mean after all - look at all the dumb decisions that I have made and the outcomes of each and every one of them.
So I am done. I am done trying to fix things. I am done trying to make everyone else happy. There comes a point of decision and I am there. I am going to stop beating myself up. I am going to stop sidestepping issues and deal with things head on. I am not a robot nor am I able to just remain aloof from what surrounds me. But, I am also able to relinquish control to my Father. The One and only person who can make things right. The One and only that knows the end from the beginning. The One and only who can calm my fears and free my troubled mind.
Oh God, I am so weary
This load has been so heavy
Take it from me and free my mind
Help me leave it with you and never take it up again
Watch over my soul and keep me in Your will
Keep my mind from being controlled by thoughts I cannot contain
Lead me to your refreshing waters where my soul can be nourished
Help me to wander freely about in the pasture of your grace
Teach me to choose You above all else
Humble me in the shadow of your might
Give me a clean heart that is renewed each day
Foster in me a love that knows no limits
Cleanse my wicked thoughts and purge my iniquities
Grant me the spirit of kindness and remove the spirit of fear.
I love you. I need you. And the wall is way too high. Lift me above it, I pray.
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3 comments:
Carol, I know the walls as well. As I walk my journey and as we journey with others, Psalm 40 is the refuge for my soul. I pray for us a new song and that his tender mercies and love will sustain us and guide us into all truth.
Under His Wings,
Jean
Psalm 40 (Amplified Bible)
1I WAITED patiently and expectantly for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry.
2He drew me up out of a horrible pit [a pit of tumult and of destruction], out of the miry clay (froth and slime), and set my feet upon a rock, steadying my steps and establishing my goings.
3And He has put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many shall see and fear (revere and worship) and put their trust and confident reliance in the Lord.(A)
4Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) is the man who makes the Lord his refuge and trust, and turns not to the proud or to followers of false gods.
5Many, O Lord my God, are the wonderful works which You have done, and Your thoughts toward us; no one can compare with You! If I should declare and speak of them, they are too many to be numbered.
6Sacrifice and offering You do not desire, nor have You delight in them; You have given me the capacity to hear and obey [Your law, a more valuable service than] burnt offerings and sin offerings [which] You do not require.
7Then said I, Behold, I come; in the volume of the book it is written of me;
8I delight to do Your will, O my God; yes, Your law is within my heart.(B)
9I have proclaimed glad tidings of righteousness in the great assembly [tidings of uprightness and right standing with God]. Behold, I have not restrained my lips, as You know, O Lord.
10I have not concealed Your righteousness within my heart; I have proclaimed Your faithfulness and Your salvation. I have not hid away Your steadfast love and Your truth from the great assembly.(C)
11Withhold not Your tender mercy from me, O Lord; let Your loving-kindness and Your truth continually preserve me!
12For innumerable evils have compassed me about; my iniquities have taken such hold on me that I am not able to look up. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart has failed me and forsaken me.
13Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me; O Lord, make haste to help me!
14Let them be put to shame and confounded together who seek and require my life to destroy it; let them be driven backward and brought to dishonor who wish me evil and delight in my hurt!
15Let them be desolate by reason of their shame who say to me, Aha, aha!
16Let all those that seek and require You rejoice and be glad in You; let such as love Your salvation say continually, The Lord be magnified!
17[As for me] I am poor and needy, yet the Lord takes thought and plans for me. You are my Help and my Deliverer. O my God, do not tarry!(D)
I'm praying this with you friend. LOVE your prayer.
Hoping to let myself wander around in grace,
B
People should read this.
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