The Fragile Nature of Life

For the longest time it did not seem that I was getting older. I knew that the years were passing by but I felt good and the possibility of death seemed so far off and remote. Even the passing of my dad four years ago seemed appropriate, although sad. After all, he was nearly 85.

But, in the last month two of my family members, contemporaries of mine became ill. My brother-in-law has been quite frail in recent years and my sister is facing many difficult and life-changing decisions in regard to him and his care. On the other hand, my sister-in-law has been robust and ready to face all of life's challenges and so finding out she has a major illness came as quite a blow.

All of a sudden, it seems as though I am feeling tired. Like this is just not a good place to be any more. It feels as though the cold wind of winter is about to blow in on our family and I am not ready for that. I want the warmth of summer to last forever. It makes me feel melancholy. And it feels so out of my control.

Could it be that God is trying to tell me that I need to step up to the plate and make something of life instead of just going through the motions? But, what exactly is His plan for me? I feel adrift. I am aimless and the direction seems so changeable.

This morning I was reading Psalm 112. The psalms have been so real to me of late. I guess because I like the psalmist have felt the joy and the sorrow, the victory and the defeats and the closeness and distance of God.

1 Praise the LORD.
Blessed is the man who fears the LORD,
who finds great delight in his commands.

2 His children will be mighty in the land;
the generation of the upright will be blessed.

3 Wealth and riches are in his house,
and his righteousness endures forever.

4 Even in darkness light dawns for the upright,
for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man.

5 Good will come to him who is generous and lends freely,
who conducts his affairs with justice.

6 Surely he will never be shaken;
a righteous man will be remembered forever.

7 He will have no fear of bad news;
his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.

8 His heart is secure, he will have no fear;
in the end he will look in triumph on his foes.

9 He has scattered abroad his gifts to the poor,
his righteousness endures forever;
his horn will be lifted high in honor.

10 The wicked man will see and be vexed,
he will gnash his teeth and waste away;
the longings of the wicked will come to nothing.

The promises of this psalm calm my wavering heart as I think about them. God promises that the person who fears God and delights in His commands will be blessed. I do have a holy fear of God. I realize more each day how awesome He is and how small I am. I see my weakness and acknowledge His strength. I confess my waywardness as I rejoice in His grace. And yet - I feel adrift.

Is it because I am still seeking out what the world has to offer? Is it because I have not ever really given my life over to the Lordship of Christ and allowed Him to work His will in my life? Is this why I feel somewhat fragile in the face of eternity? Is this why all of this uncertainty surrounding those dear to me shakes me so?

As I read this psalm I realize that the truth is that I have not been faithful to the direction that God has provided over the years. I have chosen my own path and have often times gone the way of sin rather than the way of righteousness. I long to have the confidence that the psalmist had when he wrote that his heart was secure and he had no fear.

And so I must seek out the truth of God for me. I must put my trust in His commands and be obedient to what comes without questioning. All of this uncertainty about the future should be directing me toward God rather than away from Him. In order for my heart to be secure and to have no fear I must put my trust singularly in God. Not in myself, not in others.